Puerile Passages(aka Loquacious Levity) 6-5-2009

Hey, do atheists say T.G.I.F.??

The day I can't laugh at a good fart joke...just strike me down then and there.

What ever happened to underwear with your name in it?

I may be a little biased here but, I would have hated to be a little girl. They don’t get to do ANYTHING...a little boy can come up dipped in mud(been there done dat) and it’s all good, "boys will be boys...but if a little girl did that...it’s a straight AW...

So, my friend and yours, commissioner of RPW wrestling association, the guy whose name means blessed giver of the epidural to the Virgin Mary in Swahili, Scoesese Jenkins, is getting married in a year or so...So, since he is a wrestling fan, we were thinking about cutting promos for his reception entrance...HOW PLAYER IS THAT, MAN!!! "And now hailing from parts unknown, holder of the Intercontinental Leg Lock Championship, Scoesese Jenkins" and he comes in with his groomsman all wearing belts. that would be GANGSTA!!! hahahaha...

Hey, what happened to the Atkins Diet??

If I were up for the death penalty(hey, its possible I'm still young), my last meal would be something like broccoli, a lot of beef, and some apples...just as a last F-you to the world. Imagine what it would smell like("what that smell like"..."unforgivable")...you have burning flesh and an awesome bowel evacuation that would smell like old bus seats and Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear...

I don’t know about you but that last paragraph was HILARIOUS to me...guess I won’t be getting struck down anytime soon!!!

2.5%:percentage of people who are actually sick when they take a sick day at work. With the number of people bringing their germ filled asses to work when they are sick...that’s GOTTA be the number...

Just b/c I can: COOTIES!!!

I am just waiting for a divorce settlement where Facebook is heavily involved..."Your Honor, I knew he was cheating on me(and lets be honest only a man would get caught cheating on facebook) b/c he commented on a bathing suit picture...that b****h didn’t even look that good...He has to be cheating with her...he loves fat women..."

You ever notice at the gym that you can’t get a machine from like spring to September?? But in January you could hurl a free weight and not hit a soul...

I wonder is it grammatically illegal for two homonyms to be together in the same sentence??

You know what one of the funniest word combinations to me is: the words stool and softener...I just love what it implies...Wouldn’t need a stool softener if you didn’t have hard stools...doesn't it just give you visual of someone trying to crap a bar stool??
The always classy Bruce Eagle, lady and gentleman...

-14: the number of people who actually know the second verse to the national anthem...I don’t even think Francis Scott Key knows it...

I wonder what an MRI for Wolverine would look like...would the machine just break or would he get stuck in it??

If you are expecting some hard-hitting, change the world prose in this PP post...You may wanna leave now

HAHAHA, I said PP Post...ill just be putting on my footie pajamas right now...

Dude, how stupid were we in kindergarten not to appreciate nap time...sometimes I just think back to all those naps I shunned and say damn!!!

How long before they start teaching "reality show acting techniques" to drama majors? You know, how to act indignant on the 18th take of you not getting your nonfat caramel mochachino or how to act like you really care that someone ate a piece of you cake in a house full of people or how to act like you are seriously in love with aging rockers or guys who looks like a old chewing gum on the street...Its coming people and its gonna be a sad day...

Hey, What happened to sugar babies??

Ok, watching Kill Bill 2 the other day...and, I was cool with digging yourself out of a grave or pulling out someone's eye, but I am sorry AINT NO CHILD gonna sleep through not one gun shot but TWO...get the bump outta here...

NEWS FLASH: The "l" in Sa"L"mon is silent...Its pronounced CARE-A-mel not Car-Mail...there is no such word as irregardless(seriously, you should ridiculous)...there has never been a fruit called a skrawberry or a sea creature called a skrimp...no one has ever lived on a skreet, EVER...just letting you know...

13: the number of people who get 100 out of 100 on their written driver's test...

249,999,000: the rest of America who barely pass the damn thing...Obviously

Seriously, stop trying to sag straight leg jeans!!! It ain't working playa!!!

I wonder if there are actors at home kicking themselves b/c they turned down something like the wolverine part or Aragon or terminator or rocky or John McClane saying "nah the movie ain’t gonna amount to nothing..."

I always wondered how do you get roosters to fight in a cockfight? Chickens ain’t that aggressive...they are chickenhearted, remember...Do you quietly talk about their mamas? Or step on their Reebok classics or spit on them?? Or do you just say "loser is dinner" and that gets it popping??

Just b/c I can: BOOBIES!!!

It’s funny what puberty does to a little boy...it goes from ewww, girls have cooties to oohhh, girls have boobies...

Can we pass a law that men in pornos have to shut the hell up?? Dude, seriously!!! I always have fantasies all the time where another guy is there moaning...Not cool!!!

True Story: Ok so my manz is making out with this chick at my house. We are about 14 or so at the time. So, the door is closed and I am just chilling playing look out in the den. It's all good until my pops rolls up. Now, we gotta scramble like Cambell right...Mind you, its about 35 steps from My dad's truck to the house and I am fiddling with the back door and I finally get it open and the chick doesn’t wait until I get the screen door open...she runs straight through it like Wil E. Coyote or something...The screen door comes clean off and me and my manz are trying to get it back up when my dad finally walks through the door. He looks and me and says "what happened"...I said "me and my friend were wrestling and we went through the door(hey, it was the best I could do in a split second)" My dad replies, "All that space in the back yard and yall wrestle here?", not believing a word of it...he let it ride though as another silly act from his silly child...ahh, the good ole days...HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, Dad!!!

Seriously, Next time this barista fixes my car-mail macchiato with skrimps instead of skrawberries I will bodyslam him on the skreet, irregardless of whose watching...

Why is 12-5 on Friday even counted as work??

7: the number of blog posts I've written when I WASN'T supposed to be doing something else...

7,123: the number of times I've played Madden when WAS supposed to be doing something else!!

0: Number of girlfriends that actually like the game Madden

Seriously, what’s up with that?....Its like Madden and girlfriends are natural enemies like cheetahs and gazelles...Its always something like "why don’t you get something we both can play" Ok, baby you just hold you breath for me buying that American Idol game...go 'head do it...Itll be tomorrow I promise...

What ever happened to Western Sizzlin?

Have you noticed how big the boobs are in Japanese manga(aka comic books)...I guess they know their audience!!

Would you rather: have sex with Gloria Allred or have carnivorous earwigs gently nibble at your cerebellum...

How can you not like the Kobe and Lebron puppet commercials...Ain’t been this much fun with puppets since Lambchop...

Where in the hell do they get those prices for the "Price is right"?

On that note, when's the last time you used some Doan's...they are always either sponsoring the show or they are in some kinda pricing game...

Is there someone getting into a fight right now trying to defend themselves with Tae-bo?

43%: the percentage of the population with hard stools...

Yep, still funny!!!

Ok, I am getting pissed now!!! Are we ever getting another "Chapelle Show"? Ok, dave, you took a little break but now "YOU GET A JOB"!!!

Can we make "professional student" a paying gig? That would be the best job ever!!

Ima go ahead and say this now: No, I don’t wanna hear about your fantasy football team...

F Vegetables...Matter of fact, F ALL TABLES

Why haven’t made the full conversion to Digital Cable signals yet...

Do you ever think that they lowered the quality of regular television so they are able to charge for HDTV??

Pepsi is the worst...You mean for a limited time I can get REAL SUGAR!!! Why only for a limited time? I ain’t worth real sugar!! A brother can’t get a few cubes here or there? Damn, Pepsi I thought we was tight!

Hey whatever happened to athletic socks? You know, the ones with the three red stripes?

Just b/c I can: Who pooted??

You ever had someone ask you to pick up something for them and you get it wrong, but they get mad at YOU...My bad but you know how you could have gotten exactly what you wanted, perfectly to a "T"? Get it yourself!!
Just b/c I can: Spoinkbucket!!

So now we are in the NBA finals and I like the Lakers b/c Kobes is my manz...How am I a fronter? I root for them all year. I just don’t like to watch regular season B-ball until like 30 games left. Sorry, game 13 in an 82 game season ain’t important enough...I got madden to play and girlfriends to ignore...

Isn’t it fronting to root for the underdog? Especially, if you don’t even think they can win...They are not called UNDERdogs b/c they are a cartoon from the 70's...they are not as good...

So my car got broken into the other day but the thief didn’t take the clothes that were in there(what they ain’t good enough?) or the luggage(again, ain’t good enough?) this NIGGA TOOK MY VITAMINS...THAT’S F-ED UP!!! What, you were low on folic acid? Not enough riboflavin so you gotta go a take my vitamins...Man, the world sometimes, you know?

Doesn’t Stan Van Gundy dress like an old English teacher? Or a kooky art teacher? I can Imagine him saying "people people please...bring some old egg cartons to school tomorrow..."

Hey, What happened to people wondering what happened??

Bruce Eagle the full grown baby. Peace!!!

"We don't believe you...

"...You need more people"-Jay-Z

The NBA as a viable league...sorry you need more people(I knew I only watched the NBA during the playoffs for a reason. These eastern conference finals are really proving that the league is pretty much professional wrestling with more ad-libbing. Ok, has Lebron ever fouled out? EVER?? How can a man that large not commit a foul just by being in the lane? How does dwight howard get so many fouls? How can a man run straight at your chest every time he goes into the lane and gets a foul. Ill concede Lebron is the next Jordan, but he shouldnt be getting all the calls yet. HE HASN'T EARNED IT...Call it right refs!! Having Dwight Howard as the star of the finals isnt so bad...BTW, 27 double doubles in like 31 games...the man is a BEAST(editor's note: HA!! Take that King!! Heavy is the head the wears the crown, huh, Lebron. Its not really even his fault for taking advantage of his stature and the refs favor toward him, but the pouting after losing and the "apology" afterwards was kinda bush jr. league...Hey, live and you lose right??))


People that say American Idol should still be on TV...sorry you need more people(The singers get worse and worse every year. I like a few...Carrie Underwood has some tracks. Big rube can sing and Fantasia is my girl, but come on...we need to stop this now...if for no other reason it gives karaoke rejects such as myself hope for a singing career...sidenote: you should hear my rendition of "smooth" by Carlos santana...you would swear i was rob thomas or maybe bob rhomas...(editor's note: I think this is gonna be like "do you have the job security of Isaiah thomas" theme earlier in the blog...It's been a fun 7 or 8 years, but come on!!!))

Facebook isnt more addictive than a crackberry dipped nicotine...sorry you need more people(wow, there isnt a day that goes by i dont get right on facebook...I doubted it for so long. My bad)
X-men origins: Wolverine as a viable form of entertainment...sorry you need more people(Well, it wasnt that bad. Straight by the books action flick but I dont know, it left me rather dry. Gambit was not done correctly at all. Where's the cajun accent?? Matter of fact, where's the acting...Hugh Jackman...come on buddy...what, being one of the most popular x-men characters for like 10 years isnt doing it for you anymore?? You might as well have been paid 42 cents for that mailed in performance)


"The Hills" as not being interesting...sorry you need more people(I admit i've only watched this show one time, but it was pretty cool...Apparently, empty beauty X is getting married to Prick douchebag A and empty beauty X wants empty beauty Y to be there but empty beauty Y hates prick douchebag A(don't we all!!! i just started watching and he's douchy to me)...INTRIGUE!!! OOOHHH, cant wait for the wedding...not even gonna front(editor's note, I think the wedding finale has already happened, but I aint seen it yet. I have to catch up this weekend..Sad, i know.))

Those who say softball shouldn't have a pro league...sorry you need more people(watched the women's college world series and it was pretty fun!!! Not gonna lie it was fun seeing a pitcher's butt and there being hips there...John Beckett is awesome but umm the butt shots arent cool. It was exciting...and it was fun to ogle!!! Now i know how women feel when they watch basketball...Brittny lastrapes(thats is her real name no lie) is nice and Nikki Nemitz has a nice butt and they both can BALL. Brittny has .9 on base percentage. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...that is ri-hot damn-diculous. and Nikki pitch a three hitter with 120 some pitches and was still throwing smoke. Aint gonna front the ladies can BALL...(editor's note: Danielle Lawrie is a pitching animal. I wrote this on friday b/f I saw the Player of the year play and she is AWESOME...congrats to her and the Washington Huskies for winning the champion-chip...) )

Those last two entries were manly...sorry you need more people(nah, not in the first, but hey...we are all women at one point...(editor's note: Nah, still aint manly...) )

Men and women are the same...sorry you need more people(Take sex for example. Women have to concentrate to have an orgasm(well, not all and if you dont then GOOD FOR YOU) Men have to concentrate NOT to have a orgasm(again, not all and GOOD FOR YOU)...We're opposites. And that is cool. Look at the way we are designed: Men to fit in women. We fit naturally like fingers interwoven. The problem comes when we try to put each other in the same box. Men try to turn women into us and Women try to turn us into them(worst grammar ever by the way). Isn't it easier to hold your hands together when each finger is in a spot that another finger isnt? Try holding your hands together with no space between the fingers...go head...Harder aint it... So we mess up a beautiful, God given thing by trying force each other to BE each other with no leeway, no space. Its not gonna work that way... I admit its easier to deal with someone more like yourself but WHAT FUN IS THAT? Thats why we date...if you wanted yourself then have yourself...you are with yourself all the time, it shouldnt be that hard to hook up...)

Those who would say that stem cell research is evil...sorry, you need more people(Okay, so the research is primarily driven by aborted fetuses(btw, shouldnt it be fetii?? The english language is so weird to me...) but don't protest the research. I can understand protesting Abortion(i dont agree with the protestation but I can see where someone would...see empathy aint so hard), but stem cell research is the making of lemonade from lemons...Until abortion is abolished, why not get some much needed research and try to help those who have actually formed finger nails, full grown brains and breath oxygen, you know like Michael J. Fox or Muhammed Ali...I'm just saying)

That American hubris isn't one of the economy's biggest problems(This is going to be uber-glib...My editor wants me to keep this under 1 million words so ill keep it short(er). Take the auto industry. GM, for instance, is in bankruptcy, among other things, b/c it was too arrogant to change. It was excessive pride that told GM execs that "no we dont have to make more fuel friendly cars even though Jimmy Carter told us 30 some years ago that we should. No he's an old democratic fart what does he know." It was excessive pride that told execs they should make 500% more than the workers who create the products that create the wealth that pays for their opulence. It was hubris to think that you could bury your failures deep in the ledger and hope they just go away. What's gonna happen when the partition you're standing behind falls down? Ever think about that?? No, you were going to be long gone before that. The economy is down but it's not THAT down to bankrupt a 100 year old organizataion. Let's stop fronting here. It was hubris that told you to tell us to buy american b/c it keeps american jobs but not try to outperform your competition. WHY DONT YOU MAKE A CAR THAT IS BETTER THAN YOUR COMPETITION??? THAT'S CAPITALISM!! THATS A FREE MARKET!!...you were lazy... you were prideful and now thousands of americans have to lose their jobs b/c execs were too prideful to make sound decisions and a greenlight cutting edge products. Pride cometh before the fall and a 1% increase in the unemployment rate comes after that and someone coming into someone elses home comes after that...ad infinitum...until collapse. Its a shame b/c of our pride we made OUR creation, OUR industry, as American as baseball, crumble. Hubris, the new American Pasttime...)

Anyone who says Obama isn't doing a good job...sorry you need more people(Really, what are we like 220 days in? And, he was given a crap sandwich and was told to make a filet mignon...medium rare...again, give the brother a chance)

That when you see someone doing something wierd on the road, i.e. swerving, going slow, or almost rear-ending you that it isnt b/c of the cell phone that person is using..sorry you need more people(I am telling you its going to be the death of the human race...if it's not the death of bees, if its not brain cancer, its gonna be we are all going to be on our cell phones just constantly collilding into each other until there is nothing left...We take for granted just how much concentration it takes to properly drive a vehicle. NOT HITTING SOMEONE SHOULDNT BE YOUR SOLE GOAL...There are, at any given moment, hundreds to thousands of other people alongside of you. Hundreds of people with varying levels of driving skill, eyesight, and reaction times. It is like trying to solve hundreds of algebraic equations at one time. Your actions evoke reactions out of others and vice versa. You dont know WHAT is going to happen. That guy could run that red light, that lady could swerve into your lane at the last moment. One slip up could mean serious injury or death to someone else or yourself. So yeah, lets just occupy our minds with ANOTHER activity on top of that...Ask yourself: would you want your surgeon just b/c he's performed hundreds of surgeries, to be doing a crossword while he's working on you?...)

On that note, those who say they can drive drunk or high...sorry you need more peoplle(I admit I used to be one of those people, but not anymore. Ive realized just how much habit plays into that. You ever been buzzed(dont worry I wont snitch on ya) drove home and afterwards you couldnt remember how you got there? That's b/c your mind due to its impairment switched from thinking mode into habit mode. I found this out first hand in GA last weekend. I was a little buzzed and I went out for some snacks(hey, do what you gotta do) and i got so turned around that its wasnt even funny. Mind you that I was on the same road I was on when I was sober and navigated with no problem, but I added an alteration to my mind and BOOM confused as lab rat in the wild. Again, this is DRIVING we are talking about. Just b/c you didnt die horribly didnt mean you didnt put someone else at risk by not being sharp on the road. It's okay not to drive your car home...its okay to not answer that call and pull over to talk. We have precious lives at stake let's start treating as such...I'll do my part...or try or at least feel bad about it...ahh nevermind...)

That dentists and hygenists dont get a bad rap...sorry you need more people(He let's chill out. That hygenist is not Hitler despite that little mustache she is growing(btw, have you ever seen a MALE dental hygenist??). If we actually did what we were supposed to do in the six months(first off actually going every 6 months is a start) b/t visits our gums wouldn't bleed like a UFC fighter at the slightest touch of floss. We wouldn't have to have root canals if we chill out on the candy and sweets and brush and floss like we are supposed to. With that said, Mrs.(or ms. or even i guess Mr.) dental hygenist my teeth are not Carlo Rizzi and I have not sold out the family. My teeth do not need to be Garroted, you know. Be gentle. My gums reviginized in the 6 mths, er, 4 years since the last time they have been flossed. You know good and damn well I aint doing what i am supposed to be doing...Dammit, i hate you ladyman..ok ok Im cool just having flashbacks..)

That I haven't been writing this post for like 3 days whenever i got bored...sorry... actually that's pretty believable...

Bruce Eagle the full Metal. Peace!!!

"It's not a hobby..."

"...Don't be sloppy"-MF Doom

One of the few things in this world that proves humans get SOMETHING right in our bastardly ways is MUSIC(that and reproduction, of course). The sweet lilt of a southern belle singing about a new or old love. The casual swagger of a D-boy with cautionary tales of a life in the streets. The tear-ridden soliliquy of a heartbroken romantic. Even, the angst filled wails of a guitar player doing so b/c that's the only way he knows to make the world better. Music is a gift from God that should not be jerked around as it is in the "industry" today. Think about it: how many times has music been there for you? How many times has it gotten you in the mood to party? Consoled your broken heart? Lifted your spirits? Music has been there when noone else was. It listened to me and spoke back with words to soothe a soul. For instance:

When I got grounded for like the hundreth time(My pops was like the judge in the Mick Vick case when i was coming up), this future 20 mil a movie mogul said these famous words to me: "There's no need to worry. Parents just don't understand" Will smith(ahh, the fresh prince!!)

When I was a kid trying to figure out just what this "love" thing everyone was craving was all about, a angelic songtress helped me understand: "Treated me kind. Sweet destiny. Carried me through desperation to the one that was waiting for me" Mariah Carey, "Vision of Love"

When I was searching for the words to say to that honey dip to express my intense longing(or lust which ever you wanna call it), these North Carolinian crooners wisphered the perfect words to me: "Said I'm feenin for you. I don't have a mind. It's all blown on you. Girl I'm so strung out. All I do is wish for you. So tomorrow if you're not here. Then girl I'm down. So I need you near. I JUST WANNA MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT. So hold me tight. Then girl I'm alright"Jodeci "Feenin'"(wow, that worked like GANGBUSTERS!!!)

When I was a teenager with those oh so GRANDIOSE teenage issues(acne, girls, grades, self esteem issues(haha believe it or not, I had them at one point)) a former D-boy with his Brooklyn baritone spoke to me filling me with self-confidence: "Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever/However, I stay Coogi down to the socks Rings and watch filled with rocks/And my jam knock in your Mitsubishi/Girls pee pee when they see me/Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee"-Biggie, "One More Chance Rmx"

When my genetic makeup said that I wasn't gonna get taller than 5'9", these words from a fellow shorty made me feel so much better: "I wish I was a little bit taller/I wish I was a baller/I wish I had a girl who look good I would call her" Skee-lo, "I wish"(you and me too brother!!! Ah, well)

When my teenage mind was in shambles addled by hormones and homework, these guys captured my confusion, anted up and doubled it, but somehow made it all make sense, "aflaksfjoeij foaiuroeanflk feoiajofih feaiyryeoinfai Here we are now...Entertain us lfkajlfk I feel stupid. HEY! ALKFJAL" Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit"(I never understood what the hell Cobain was saying, but it really doesn't matter. Perfect teenage song!!!)

When I was a freshman in College, these lines from this swagger specialist pretty much put the period on my first semester: "So get it together or forget forever when i come at you hard i can get it through leather you act like jigga cant get a whoever...talking you got a man...ok ma, and??" Jay-z Best of me Rmx(dude you couldnt go ANYWHERE without hearing that song...hahah shouts to Terrence J for hosting the freshman talent show...hahaha, even back then he was hosting!!! Great year...Great year...)

When I was paying for my stupidity in my relationship senior year, this poetic patron of prose drunk with me and felt my pain: "The reason that I want to be alone, tired of all the things that went wrong that would've went right if i wouldnve did it on my own...take another swig the more I drink the more I think bad thoughts..." Nas "Drunk by Myself"(used to ride around to that all the time!!!)

When I was lost in my relationships, this tortured songtress wailed along with me: "Something grabbed ahold of me honey. Felt to me, honey, like a ball and chain Yeah!....SAY WHOA OH WHOA OH WHOA honey this cant be...JUST BECAUSE I GOTTA HAVE YOU LOVE Puh-leeaaseeeee PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!" Janis Joplin "Ball and Chain"

You get the point. From the womb to the tomb, music has been and will be there, egging me on(it wasn't me it was the gangsta rap and the peppermint schnapps-eminem), calming me down(Slow down...pump ya brakes, ya speeding money-Mos Def), preparing me for the world("Welcome to the jungle...you can have anything you want but you better not take it for free" Guns N Roses), giving me swagger(Yall dont paint pictures you all trace me"-Jay-Z).

In essence, I don't have to like everything you guys do out there(who the hell am I anyway??), but please before you make that cash grab song, before you take a slot from someone who has something to say, before you fleece young artists, before you jerk over your fans, please know there is more at stake than just a buck here. So much hangs in the balance. This is not some hobby we're talking about. This is Art. This is life. I know its made mine better.

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 5-8-2009

Hey, did you know that the top 100 words used according to Oxford Dictionary does not contain the words "Please" or "Thanks" Says a lot dont it?

I heard Joe Biden was caught with performance enhancing drugs...

Saw the new X-men Movie and i am going to give it the review it deserves: eh...

My mom texted me the other day. Outside the fact my mom is texting in the first place, the weirder thing is that she asked me did i have a spare VCR...umm, no mom...

I think Ben franklin does though...

I think its actually more trendy to say you will never twitter than to twitter...

And then of course signing up and actually twittering...

I dont want people who know me to assume that if they say something interesting I will put it in a blog post...

I want them to KNOW I will...

Seriously though, what happened to the buzz on the Simpsons? Noone talks about it anymore...The episode last sunday satirizing the Teaching shortage as well as Tenure enduced apathy was GREAT!!! I hope this isnt indicative of a dumbening(yep, i said it) of the public. I like family guy like the next man but its a simpler show...doesnt have the complex themes as the simpsons...

That brings up a good point though...why does it seem that humans with the largest thinking capacity of all animals (thats if you believe what we do in our heads is "thinking" hey we made up the definition.) do their damnest NOT to think?

Didn't know satiring isnt a word...its, of course, satirizing...Dang, i guess you dont conversate either...WHO'D THUNK IT!!!

I heard that Apache Indian was caught with performance enhancing drugs and a bag of stolen Handi Snacks...

E-NU-CHUCK!!!

If its true that 85-95% of baseball players use steroids, then those guys AREN'T the anomaly...I say the other 5-15% starts using them so we can finally put this to bed...Seriously, if everyone used them they wouldnt be perfomance enhancing drugs b/c they would, in theory, not enhance anything. To say "enhance", there has to be some comparison there to say something gets better. Without that comparison, they would just be "vitamins" That other 5-15% needs to do their part to clean up performance “enhancing” drugs in baseball.

By far my least used punctuation is the apostrophe...I SAY WE BAN THEM ALL...like we dont know something is missing from cant or arent or wont or rashawd (hahaha, mr. superfluous apostrophe ladies and gentlemen)...

I wasn't about to write this today b/c i figured everyone in America and Mexico was dead from Swine flu...If you are reading this, i am so glad you made it through the "epidemic"

Seriously, not to disrespect anyone who has died from the swine flu, but don't call me until at least 1% of the American public has died from the epidemic...Just getting it isnt the problem, its the DYING from it thats the kicker...So, dont be all up in my news getting me all excited...like "We have a swine flu epidemic. we have 150 cases in the US so far.." word, there are 300 million people here(documented that is...if you believe immigration reformists there are at least 750 million americans). 150 isnt even a drop in a bucket, its a loogey in the ocean...

One thing that’s good about the news driven epidemics...the subsequent scare at least proves SOMEONE is watching the news...

they just aint reading no newspapers...

Hey, for all my 26 and up readers...remember when teachers used to give you an assignment like "watch the news or read the paper and write about what you saw"? What would be the assignment today in this internet driven society?? Follow David souter's twittering and write a report??

On that note, WHO IN THE HELL IS DAVID SOUTER...I mean, good looks for freeing up a Supreme Court spot, but never heard of ya bro...

Why is it that we only see Supreme court justices when they retire?? I know they are not nearly as interesting as Jolie's african babies or miley cyrus or miss California’s untimely outspokenness but these men and women are the final word on many of our rights and liberties. Why do we not care more about them??

BTW, I know the verb for the action of using twitter is “tweet” but F-THAT I am a grown ass man “TWEET” should not be in my vocabulary…

Most obscure sidebar of the day: My cellphone makes the one zach morris's had look like an iPhone...

No homo or anything but i wanted an Easy Bake oven so bad when i was a kid...you mean to tell me i can have brownies ANYTIME I WANT!!! IM THERE!!! No i wasnt a sissy just a fattie...

These LL posts are starting to have some coherence to them…I apologize for that…

BTW, most sarcastic LL POST EVER...and loudest…

Ok, The miss California thing. *Sigh* For all the people against gay marriage: its not that you CANT believe that, its just that what does that mean?? You don’t believe in it. This aint santa claus or the tooth fairy…its two people that love each getting together and shacking up What “nonbelief” is indirectly saying is two things: 1) that what someone feels in their heart is wrong. That something that they can’t help is wrong and THEY are in turn wrong. 2) gays and lesbians are a different class of people that arent sacred enough to take part in marriage(with the divorce rate quietly creeping up to 110%. Is it really that “sacred” anymore??). It’s not a choice. I am sorry. I may not have scientific evidence (do I ever??) but who would CHOOSE that life if they couldn’t help it?? Who wants to get beat up for no reason. Who wants people dictating their personal life? Who WANTS that? The only choice they didn’t make was to deny what they felt.

Ok, I am not gonna lie. Homosexuality, for lack of a better word or want to use one, is icky but if you think about it, isn’t heterosexuality, too?? With all its juices and its nice, slow grinding and its hot and sweaty oh so good nastiness and…sorry about that…I’m back

You can like or dislike homosexuality but you have to respect it b/c if nothing else, all fairness and equality aside, this could be you next!! Its all principle here. If they can isolate a group of people and tell them they can’t do something, whats next?? Who’s next?? People with bacon shaped birthmarks cant vote?? Guys with penises smaller than 5 inches cant buy SUV’s? Support gay marriage if for no reason other than it can be you next…

And yes, that was a slippery slope argument…What you gon’ do about it…

Oh yeah, miss California. If that was the reason she lost, then she deserved to lose. I’m sorry. There was no other reason to end her statement with “the way I was raised…blah blah blah…” She had the perfect answer. I am glad we are in America…blah blah blah we can chose. Apparently, we CANT choose everything, but that’s besides the point. The way you were raised a marriage was between a man and a woman…what??? Oh so that was a fundamental part of your upbringing huh?? “Honey, always remember to say please and thank you, look both ways when you are crossing the street, always wear clean underwear, and marriage is only b/t a man and a woman…” Come on now…and if it were so Christian then why didn’t she mention the Lord or the Bible inher answer?? Hmm?? The next day it was all...”oh she is a Christian this and Christian that…” absent from her statement was guess who: CHRIST(who never said anything about gays btw). That was just her opinion and that’s fine but don’t act like she is some martyr…She chose an improper moment to impart her beliefs. In a job interview, you could say you enjoy kicking puppies off rooftops but why would you say that. It’s the job’s right not to hire you just like its perez hilton’s right NOT to vote for her. She could have very easily not said that last part but she just HAD to impart some judgment and she was summarily judged.

By that same token, Perez Hilton needs to calm the hell down…DAMN bro she aint slap your mama…all b***h this and b***h that wasn’t necessary. You really came out like the bigger man there brother…good job.

Haha, the one person who loves this Miss Cali thing the most is Donald Trump. He loves that people are talking about Miss America again w/out the words “Playboy”and “pictures” involved…And by the way, isn’t Miss North Carolina like Ruben Studdard of Miss America Pagents. She actually won, but we got all this hubbub over Clay aik…er, Miss California.

All of this is beside the point. Miss America is a good way to see pretty women in bathing suits but come on, she is by no means a representative for or of America. How many Americans you know keep a trim bikini line and even own an evening gown let alone walk around the crib in one. Let’s be feasible here…She aint lifting trade embargoes with Cuba or nothing…

I am just waiting for someone to come forward with a steroid allegation like “yeah man I think he’s juicing b/c I was in the shower with him after a game and man his balls are shriveled…”

There is a book about A-rod coming out with anonymous sources accusing him of Steroid use…There is an awful lot at stake here. If you are gonna accuse someone of something that strong and it’s not concerning Presidential theft, you need to be a man and give your name…that’s real Bush Jr. league…

What ever happen to just seeing random ass-whooppings…You know you used to be in your neighborhood or block or local bar and a fight’ll start and you got to see SOMEONE get their ass beat…those were the days…now you just go to funerals…

Most obsurerest sidebar of the second half of an LL post: On a map, doesn’t South Carolina look like North Carolina’s balls??

I heard that Ronald McDonald was caught with performance enhancing drugs, a load of dirty underwear and the Burger king’s head in his trunk…

I wonder how many germs are on a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Is it really news Rick Pitino wants to leave Louisville?? He always wants to leave somewhere. He’d want to leave heaven if the devil had a good enough contract and gave him GM responsibilities…

How to spend a Friday at work by Bruce Eagle:
800-930 Breakfast at desk
930-1015-find something that to do that causes you to walk around...Oh you need some mail dropped off? You need some help with a spreadsheet? My pleasure..

1015-1017-do a little work (“like a boss”)
1017-Noon Page 2 Archives on Espn.com
Noon-145 Lunch
146-245-take a dump
245-300 do a little work
300…well, just leave at 3…

We need Nielsen, Elias, or someone to calculate how many times the words “money” and “sex” have been used in Hip-hop and Rnb the past few months...

Let’s clear the air about something ladies: Men don’t think about sex all the time…if we know where our next sex is coming from…If there is game 7 of the finals on, but a girlfriend wants to get a little freaky…the dude is probably gonna wait until the end of the game and then get it on…He knows its gonna be there. Now if he is single and a woman wants to, well Lakers-Celtics are just gonna have to wait. Think about it. If someone knows where his next meal is coming from he doesn’t think about food so much…Now, if the brother is starving…then well, he’s thinking about pink tacos all day long…

Ahh…double entendres…gotta love em.

How does the easter bunny pay his bills every other time of the year?? I mean he has to have like 135 kids right??? He’s a rabbit…

Did i already say that in an earlier post?? hmm...cant remember...i say so much...

No lie: I was talking to this guy and he was telling me that a guy he knows has so many kids (29 at last count. Christ man CONDOMS!!!) that the judge in family court said it wouldn’t be fair if he couldn’t give child support for all of them. Wow…real talk…

And finally, Happy Mommas day, Mommy…You truly are a saint. The world thanks you for raising me…hahaha

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 4-13-2009

Hey, you know every time you see accolades for cars its usually some kind of JD Power and associates award Well…who in the hell is JD powers, anyway??? And, why should I respect his opinion…He could be a whino or a Tarheel fan for all I know…

Speaking of that…when a sports team name is plural like the Miami Dolphins or the Tampa bay Bumshanks (panthers fan remember???) and you want to refer to a single fan…is it Bumshanks fan or Bumshank fan???

So grammatically it goes, in a set of two choices there is the former (First choice) and the latter (2nd choice)…Do you ever know anyone who chooses the former? Ever?

There is a comedy troupe named “Lonely Island”(pretty much the parody song guys from SNL) and they have a album out now…The first single is “I’m on a boat” with T-pain. CLASSIC("I'm on a boat mutha f***er don't you ever forget it"…Its actually one of the best parody albums ive ever heard…Its pretty much the ONLY parody album I’ve heard but its still surprisingly hot…not just funny but the songs are good too…Even though “D**K in a box”("see i'm wise enough to know when a gift needs giving...ITS MY DICK IN A BOX!!!") is a joke song, its still one of the best I’ve heard in a min. Good job guys…

I was recently asked by a female friend in frustration: with all women have to go through in life, menstruation, pregnancy and childbirth, and then menopause just for a cherry on top, what do men have deal with???”

My response: women…

Relax, it was just a joke, ladies (kinda…)

It’s pretty cool to be someone who tells jokes all the time…if you ever offend someone you could just play it off as a joke

Who in the hell keeps raising the damn tipping percentages??? Can we vote on this, at least?? And, I am, for better or worse, me, so you know I have to go here: 1) if the waiters don’t set menu prices…what does a percentage of my meal have to do with them…I spend 30 dollars on two drinks and two meals…What’s the outstanding work for that!! 2) If it’s damn near mandatory, why are we still calling it a tip?? I would really shut my mouth about this if it were called a service charge…nah, not really. 3) If you are late with our food and we have to hunt you down for more liquids, why do you still think you deserve a tip??

And, I know someone is gonna say, “I was a waiter in college. I would have starved without the tips!!” Tell me how is that MY fault?? When did the onus of actually paying you become MY problem?? I AINT YOUR BOSS. If I am, then let me get your SSN so I can fill out your W2!!…Don’t get me wrong, ill tip for EXEMPLARY service and even regular service, but damn man supporting you shouldn’t be my responsibility. I am just trying to take my old lady out on the town…

And, ok, I am just gonna come out and say it: you are just walking back and forth…come on…do we tip the cooks? Do we tip the restaurant manager?? There are a lot of people that work harder than a waiter in a restaurant that we are not federally mandated to tip… Hey, I worked in a dish room at a buffet. Did ANYONE come back there a tip us for the abundance of clean plates?? I am just saying…get over yourselves

Relax, it was just a joke, waiters (nah, not really…)

With that last rant, I feel like I am in the first scene of Reservoir Dogs…but hey, it’s called Loquacious Levity…not Original Opinions…on that note: Good look, George Carlin for the format…

Tiger Woods or not: golf is still the worst game on earth…Now, miniature golf on the other hand…CLASSIC…

I’m thinking mini golf is actually harder than “real” golf….now THAT would be a sport…Could you imagine how many tourney’s Phil Mickelson would lose if he had a “windmill” hole to deal with?

Reader note #1: didn't really feel like searching for pics today so i am just using random ones from my harddrive...Likey??

Reader note #2:“...my D**K in a box!!!”

Started watching the Tudors with my “new” lady (yep that’s my story and I am sticking to it) and if this show is factually correct then, Henry the VIII was/is the realest nigga on the planet!!!

By the way, if you are new to this, I wouldn’t advise reading this in one shot…all in moderation

Did you know that a work of art is always supposed to be referred to in the present when discussing existence? You can’t say “Jane Eyre” WAS a boring book…you have to say “The Scarlet Letter” IS a boring book…Once its created, bound and published, it cannot be UNCREATED…gotta love that!!!

I am not even gonna lie…I used to read “Ramona” books for accelerated reader in elementary school…Drew the line at babysitters club though…Sometimes…Hey, you can only read so many Encyclopedia Brown and “Goosebumps” books…

Did you know we are “fighting” a war in Afghanistan, too??? Damn, sure was news to me…Dude, we are, as a nation, like that dude you know that’s got a girlfriend and a few on the side…multiple girls?? Ain’t that the brokest nigga you know??? Two wars…wow…

Explains a lot though…

Turns out that even the Postal service is in need of some fundage…They purchased exorbitant homes for their relocation packages some homes even being in the millions…Dude, stamps are 42 cents and when’s the last time you seen a letter?? Where in the hell did they get that kind of money in the first place…

A lot of colons this LL…I think its apt though with all the literary colon cleansing each paragraph represents…

What I really wanna know is: where the hell did all these pirates come from??...

And, what you know about Edward Teach?!?!

Ok, rethinking it: J.D. Powers IS a pretty cool name. A name that cool I guess I wouldn’t mind him Tarheel or not…And wouldn’t it be one of those names where you would just say the whole thing? Like James bond or a tribe called Quest… “Yo, this is my homeboy, skillet…and this is my manz, J.D. Powers from Lagrange”…Now, his associates…not so much…I don’t know them like that…

To all hip-hop artists out there: haven’t we had enough of the club??

To all radio stations out there: haven’t we had enough of the club??

To all the ladies who can get in free but still don’t go: haven’t we had enough sausagefests of the club (I know that didn’t make sense but I am a slave to symmetry…spelling, grammar, and cohesion?? not so much)??

HA, sausagefests…autocorrect THAT, MS WORD!!!

George Orwell said once, Like Christianity, the biggest argument against socialism is its adherents or something like that…That can SOOOO be said about non-smokers…geez, stop bellyaching…you wanna cigarette…

I decided to quit smoking…excuse me, it was decided that I was going to quit smoking…If it weren’t for Sunny T, I would have NEVER even thought about attempting to discuss thinking about quitting…EVER…I’d been smoking through a hole in my neck dammit…If nothing else, just to spite non-smokers…Plus, I feel bad for tobacco farmers. IS ANYONE THINKING ABOUT THEM!!! Huh, little “Truth” commercial ads?? Hmm, whets gonna happen to them if everyone stops??

I hate those sanctimonious “Truth” commercials…Eww…cigarettes have cyanide in them eww…la-di-dah...well, the air has NITROGEN in it…so what??? …Your mother’s mouth has boric acid in it…

Ok…my bad…I’m nic’ing…I’m cool now…

Ok, Ok…In memoriam: the top five things to smoke a cigarette after…Nah, lets run that back: the top five things that make you wanna smoke…F-it good enough:

5. Eating- What’s better after a fine rib dinner than hitting a sweet heater??? You tell me!!!

4. Drinking- What’s better after 7 or 12 Jack and Coke’s than a succulent bogie?? Just gets ya right here!!!

3. Working out-What’s better after a hard core quadriceps workout than savory menthol?? Oh, it’s just me?? Really?? Wow…

2. Getting ya Marley on…-What’s better after a mah-glific (hahaha that’s word to scoe on that one…again, AUTOCORRECT THAT!!!) Phelps slug than a tender C.I.

1. Coitus-what’s better after a 7.835 minute love session than a budweiser-like, monster burger-esque, cell phone brain cancer-ian, SUV fossil fuel guzzler-like, Prescription drug for anything -like(yeah ran out of suffixes…), wonderful, mellifluous drag on a cigarette???

Well screw it, I’ll just have to find something else…

Bruce Eagle the full metal. SMOKE!!!(just kidding...kinda)

"You can quote me on that"-Friends and Family Edition

"Women are like the devil with cramps and super powers"
My roommate, your friend and minz, Scoe pontificating on the feminine mystique "

I just want to crawl into a vagina and yell and see if it will echo"
Scoe's girlfriend, Co-founder of Shackle Free Productions, Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock

"There wouldn't be any echo. I assume it would be like yelling into a damp couch"
A suprisingly sober bruce eagle's retort


"Nah, seriously though...nobody likes Maroon Five"
Colton, lead guitar for No Walls, our house band...be on the look out


"I got dogs and if my house ever smells like that...you need to tell me"
Star commenting on why one of our friend's house smells like dog crap


"Yeah I think he's got some dogs in the back though..."
Scoe's response

"Whew, i was HOPING he did...how many does he have? like 200 hundred?"
Bruce eagle's retort

"the dog excreted some kind of oil on me so I had to jettison the bitch"
Bruce eagle on why he had to drop Milanda's apparently terrified chuihahua to the floor[female dog by the way...]

[aside: the following is an excerpt from a BS, forty-five minute meeting me, scoe, and my friend skip(Tyrell Moten) had with a studio we were trying to use for skip in fayetteville...Oh you aint know, outside of being world class bloggers, me and scoe do artist development...dont worry, you will hear all about it soon enough...read on]

[Begin scene: Bruce Eagle, Scoe-says-he, and Skip are sitting in a basement with the water running in some distant corner like there is some japanese koi pond in the back and cockroaches on the floor. The young lads are on the other side of a desk seating a paunchy man with the skin of burnt butter and a young lady whose front teeth resembles the grill on one of dolomite's cadillacs]

"So, me and my partner here are in artist development and we are trying to front a little studio time for my man skip right here...What do you charge"
Bruce Eagle getting straight to the point...

"Yea thats cool and we will show you around the studio in a minute but you know we also do artist development too...you gonna need press kits, websites, etc...we've been doing this for a minute. We even got these artists that have been doing this for 10 years...You may have heard of them...Darkside Camp[Bruce Eagle's thoughts: NOPE NEVER HEARD OF THEM]We got videos and press kits for them all done here[waving a hand about as if we are in grandiose surroundings]
Cadillac mouth's response...

"So, yeah, what that about studio time. When can we record..."
A frustrated Skip's comment, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here is a song from one of our artists from his webpage...All our artist have a webpages...We do all of it right here [again, gesturing around the broken down basement]"
Cadillac mouth continuing her non-relevant diatribe

"I mean, all thats good but if we aint got nothing to give anybody what are we doing...Can we get some rates for studio time??"
A frustrated Skip's retort, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here's one of our artist's track with Blood Raw...have you ever heard of blood raw"
Cadillac mouth continuing her ever lengthening, non-relevant diatribe

"Oh, that's hot as hell right there"
"[No i haven't heard of Blood Raw...I try not to listen to garbage]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what i was ACTUALLY thinking upon hearing the "track"

"So yea we gon be in contact about the artist development...We need gon' need some press kits for our guys..."
Bruce Eagle just trying to get the hell out of there

"Nice Studio"
"[What the hell is this crap...Protools my a$$...]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what he was ACTUALLY thinking upon seeing their "studio"

"Maaaan, them niggas was wack"
Skip's sentiment upon leaving the studio
[End Scene]

"Aww...I think i am going to start rooting for Michigan State for awhile"
Sunny T, tarheel fan and alumnus, commenting on the NCAA Championship drubbing...

"Lay your heeee-yeaaad on my pill-aaargh"
Sunny T singing al green on the toilet

"Grrrarrrrrarrr"
Blake the snake "griffin" Davis...anytime he sees Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock

"You know your cousin's in jail again...guess what he asked me to get him...a color television...talking about going to wal-mart looking at prices...How is he going to use it?..."
My mom telling me about my crazy cousin

-"And, we're taking dumps all over ya faaaaccceee" [oh there's more]
-"Everybody's momma...ooohh ooohh...had to suck a little d***...had to suck a little d***...we might as well admit it..."[nope, not done yet]
-"And, she's licking on my b***s like she likes it...yeah...yeah...yeah...mmm"
Me and scoe just freestyling the sillest things we could think of...

Just a few reason why everyday's a pleasure...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 3.5.2009

Hey, what the hell is Rush Limbaugh's appeal? I mean are republicans THAT pissed all the time to listen to this blowhard. He's what santa claus would be if he didnt have a heart or a soul...I look at Rush like Bill O'reilly(well slightly, I actually kinda admire O'reilly's balls...when he's not bashing hip-hop that is...). I can't hate him b/c that is EXACTLY what he wants. And, I will not have some fat, pill popping freak of a bastard control my mind. See, no hate at all...

Admiring Bill O'reilly's balls huh...getting this LL started of right!!!...

Do you wonder just how many secret service men are gonna have to follow George Bush? He's gonna have to have that Spartan army on him at all times. Im just saying...You cant really blame one man for all of what we are into but he would be an apt start.

That brings up a good point though: Why aren't more former chief executives(sigh...it feel so good to finally have that man in the FORMER category.) assassinated. They implement policies that last forever or at least for long while. They get to elect, if they are lucky, supreme court justices, forever. Their impact has long reaching affects. Just b/c they are administrative neuters doesn't mean someone aint pissed off they have no home, savings, eldest son or health care. Im suprised someone didnt blow Reagan's ass away as SOOON as he stepped off the lawn...

Random quote #1: "A-fraud", Every publication "cleverly" reporting the Alex rodriguez steroid scandal

A-rod is the perfect example of how we as a public build up to bring down. Ok, so he is the highest paid baseball player ever...Its like that heaps so many things on to him, unfairly...like YOU wouldnt've taken the money too...And just b/c he doesnt have any postseason magic doesnt mean he isn't one of the best baseball players ever...Just b/c he took some steroids doesnt mean he isnt the one of the best baseball players ever...Everybody needs to chill on the steroids thing...Why are you crucifying this man like he is the only one? Like baseball aint been dirty since 1880 something...Like a negative drug test means you AINT on steroids(how many potheads you know pass drug tests...ALOT)...And, what the hell does he have to apologize to US for?

He should've apologized for setting a bad example for the kids and adults who idolize him ...the key word though is "idolize" when ever you worship someone that aint Jesus("who is the master of this house"-How High) they are gonna fall and its gonna seem even worse b/c we put them up so high in the first place...

I tell you what : every player needs to shut his damn mouth about this though...1) there are all these unspoken rules in baseball..dont slide cleat first, if you hit our batter we're hitting yours, etc...what about the one that says don't rat on your fellow players...why are you so adamant about steroids now...you wont saying not a damn thing like 96 and besides, he is your brother. If they can do him like this, dont think for a sec they wont do you like that either...2) do you guys really wanna play against a pissed off A-rod with a chip on his shoulder? He is one of the best to play the game. Steroids or not.

Hey, did anyone ever think we have such a problem with children looking up to spoiled atheletes b/c they see US, grown ups(or "grown up" in my case), looking up to spoiled athletes??

I love those Freecreditreport.com commercials. they are so catchy!!! "...So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant..." Just can't get 'em out of your damn head is all...

OK, so now we have finally converted to full digital after what had to have been a billion dollar marketing campaign...Does you TV look any better?

Women please stop wearing graphic tees...Its either I am actually trying to read whats on your shirt and come off like a perve...or I am actually trying to look at boobs and got all these words in the way...just stick to sweaters please they are so much easier...

Ok, so maybe Heath Ledger really deserved his Oscar. I just saw the Dark Knight the other day(yeah, need to step my movie game up) and the brother pretty much carried the whole movie. True, the movie pretty much centered on Joker but his perfomance was so layered and masterful that you forget you are watching a actor (which is the point but doesnt happen as often as it should).When he had his first scene it felt an AWFUL like Jack Nicholson but after awhile it morphed into something creepy as hell, kinda scary. Don't get me wrong. I loved the first batman to death. Michael Keaton was the best Bruce Wayne/Batman combo until Bale came along and I love me some Timmy Burton, but he's kinda like Poe with his darkness, sharp but not menacing. This joker and this movie is sinister and brooding. This captures and presents in glorious technicolor the evil which begets more evil yet paradoxically creates heroes. It captures the fickle nature of the populace. It captures my favorite superhero in the light he was supposed to have. Kudos to all and a R.I.P to Heath...

Still think Robert Downey should have got SOMETHING for Tropic Thunder...maybe he can find solace in his coveted "Crying Monkey" award.

You ever notice that every one in history that has preached peace and was becoming reasonably successful with it was murdered, quite violently? Guess I need to change my sig, huh...

"Its all because some hacker stole my identity..." DAMMIT!!!

Hey, say what you want about "octomom" but at least she aint putting out no ugly ass babies for the world to look...can't say that about a LOT of folk...

Dude, seriously though, I love kids like the next man but America's long time fascination with "the children" is starting to get a bit pedophilic...Do we really give a crap about octomom's kids? There are HOMELESS CHILDREN out there. Let's start with them first...

I guess the lesson here is: if something bad or tragic or miraculous happens/happened to you, you better damn well make sure you are photogenic!!

My roommate scoe is a world renowed wrasslin' fan. So, I watch a little from time to time(still not a big fan of watching men in underwear grappling but its something to do b/t foghats...) and I got to wondering: You know how wrestlers come out all greased up and what not? Who does that? It can't be them...Is there an online applicating for that? How do you get that job? Is it like whichever intern brings the wrong coffee has to grease down John Cena...?

Random quote #2: "you put gorgeous george in a bare knuckle boxing match. What did you expect to happen? A grease down and a shiatsu?" Jason Statham "Snatch"

So Terrell Owens got released from the Cowboys. Dude, how much of a arrogant bastard do you have to be to be fired by one of the most arrogant bastards ever?

I dont know about you but I am just worried about the Dallas strip club and sit-up equipment markets now that Pacman and TO are gone...

You heard it here first: "Don't be that guy" will be this millenium's "whoop there it is". 'Member back when that song was out and everyone was using it like puncuation..."Yea, dont be that guy" is gonna be that...get ready for it...

I'm still partial to the always funny "Don't tazer me, bro" but it doesnt always fit...well, unless you're getting tazered of course...then its PERFECT...

Analogy: Michael Steele is to straight up p****y as...nah, nothing like that chump of a RNC chairman...tsk, tsk mike...Ask condoleeza how lying down with dogs will turn out for ya...taking the rap alone...again, tsk tsk...Hope you like your gun and anti-abortion laws when Rush and the rest of the RNC are hanging you out to dry...

Funny thing again though: When another organization is in ruin(and the RNC is in definite ruin) what do they do? Give it to a black man...

You know the phrase "shit rolls down hill", said whenever lower level employees have to take crap from management...WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT PHRASE COME FROM?? Does shit even roll? Mine pretty much sticks to where it is...What the hell do you have to be eating to cause such an intense bowel movement you gotta do it on a hill, like right then and there....and who was at the bottom of the hill and noticed the shit was rolling? Was he astounded? Frightened? We know what rihanna is doing at any given moment but we cant take the time find this out?

Random quote #3: "They use our dung for fertilizer!" Snowball, "Animal Farm"(hahaha read that line in eighth grade and didnt stop giggling until the end of the day...ah much simpler times...)

I sure missed you guy and gal since I been gone...wont take another two months I PROMISE(kinda...)

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Umm about that!!!

Vivid Vignettes: "Hyperbole Aside"

He took a drink to steel his resolve. "this is going to be hard, " he thought, " the hardest thing I've ever had to do." This was an understatement, of course. Throughout his travels, the slightly jaded, forever engaged man about town that he was, would dabble in any and everything he could. The attempt was to savor life to its fullest. No Fear. No inhibitions. Except, when it came to love. He could jump out of an airplane with no parachute and land safely on guts and heart alone, but he could never bring himself to fully love. Let alone tell anyone he did or even allude to the fact. He had been in love of course. The first time left him jaded and the second left him broken.

So, yes, This was going to be hard for him. Seconds danced with infinity as the the ice in his whiskey(on the rocks always) shifted glacially. Waiters moved like erosion on an old mountain. He could see the sinew in his steak soften. "Jesus, he thought, I sure wish this tympani in my chest would quiet down. Pianissimo, big fella pianissimo." Wit was easy in his head, but then again, his brain wasn't nearly as breathtaking as his companion before him. Not in the first.

"HELL-OH," his companion blurted. "You said you had something to say and then you just went blank." Damn, he thought she would just let it go when the waiter brought her duck with cranberries. But, no, the spitfire pressed on. She was going to make him say this. Wasn't she? Couldn't she see in his eyes that his love for her stretched to an infant star whose light had yet to reach earth. Didn't she feel, telepathically, the longing and need when he was away from her; the permanence of passion; the ubiquitous yearning. Simply, she was his drug. He would have to climb Everest in mammoth skin to reach the height and warmth of her being and her presence. Why couldn't she just SEE it. Why did he have to SAY it. Words come a dime a dozen and are worth about as much as a teet with no nipple in the face of action. Action. That was no problem. It was the words. It was the risk that she would break him again, leaving the jumper with no parachute, guts, or heart as he plummeted back down from Everest.

It was worth the risk. The only risk he thought twice about. She made him kiss the sky and savor the vapor as he flew. She was his atmosphere when there was no air. She was his earth when he was unstable. She was his water when the aridness of a single life parched the skin. She was his..."Ahhh, I hate it when you do that. Stop stalling and tell me, " she spoke, interrupting the reverie. He needed one last sip; the fire of the liquor started a furnace inside him. It raged in him like the fury of an unruly sea, like a petulant child deprived of his candy filling his void of courage. Say it, you bastard. Just say it, he thought. "I know I've said a lot of things to you in our time together half of it bull and the other half shit, but hyperbole aside my dear, I..."

"You can quote me on that"-Family and Friends Edition

"Women are like the devil with cramps and super powers"
My roommate, your friend and mine Scoe pontificating on the feminine mystique


"I just want to crawl into a vagina and yell and see if it will echo"
Scoe's girlfriend, Co-founder of Shackle Free Productions, Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock


"There wouldn't be any echo. I assume its like yelling into a damp couch"
A suprisingly sober bruce eagle's retort


"Nah, seriously though...nobody likes Maroon Five"
Colton, lead guitar for No Walls

"I got dogs and if my house ever smells like that...you need to tell me"
Star commenting on why one of our friend's house smells like dog crap

"Yeah I think he's got some dogs in the back though..."
Scoe's response

"Whew, i was HOPING he did...how many does he have? like 200 hundred?"
Bruce eagle's retort

"the dog excreted some kind of oil on me so I had to jettison the bitch"
Bruce eagle on why he had to drop Milanda's apparently terrified chuihahua

[aside: the following is an excerpt from a BS, forty-five minute meeting me, scoe, and my friend skip had with a studio we were trying to use for skip in fayetteville...Oh you aint know, outside of being world class bloggers, me and scoe do artist development...dont worry you will hear all about it soon enough...read on]

[Begin scene: Bruce Eagle, Scoe-says-he, and Skip are sitting in a basement with the water running in some distant corner of the basement and cockroaches on the floor. The young lads are on the other side of a desk seating a paunchy man with the skin of burnt butter and a young lady whose front teeth resembles the grill on one of dolomite's cadillacs]

"So, me and my partner here are in artist development and we are trying to front a little studio time for my man skip right here...What are your rates"
Bruce Eagle getting straight to the point...

"Yea thats cool and we will show you around the studio in a minute but you know we also do artist development too...you gonna need press kits, websites, etc...we've been doing this for a minute. We even got these artists that have been doing this for 10 years...You may have heard of them..."Darkside Camp"[Bruce Eagle's thoughts: NOPE NEVER HEARD OF THEM]We got videos and press kits for them all done here[waving a hand about as if we are in grandiose surroundings]
Cadillac mouth's response...

"So, yeah, what that about studio time. When can we record..."
A frustrated Skip's retort, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here is a song from one of our artists from his webpage...All our artist have a webpages...We do all of it right here [again, gesturing around the broken down basement]"
Cadillac mouth continuing her non-relevant diatribe

"I mean, all thats good but if we aint got nothing to give anybody what are we doing...Can we get some rates for studio time??"
A frustrated Skip's retort, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here's one of our artist's track with Blood Raw...have you ever heard of blood raw"
Cadillac mouth continuing her ever lengthening, non-relevant diatribe

"Oh, that's hot as hell right there"

"[No i haven't heard of Blood Raw...I try not to listen to garbage]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what i was ACTUALLY thinking upon hearing the "track"

"So yea we gon be in contact about the artist development...We need gon' need some press kits for our guys..."
Bruce Eagle just trying to get the hell out of there

"Nice Studio"

"[What the hell is this crap...Protools my ass...]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what i was ACTUALLY thinking upon seeing their "studio"

"Maaaan, them niggas was wack"
Skip's sentiment upon leaving the studio
[End Scene]

"Aww...I think i am going to start rooting for Michigan State for awhile"
Sunny T, tarheel fan and alumnus, commenting on the NCAA Championship drubbing...

"Lay your heeee-yeaaad on my pill-aaargh"
Sunny T singing al green on the toilet

"Grrrarrrrrarrr"
Blake the snake "griffin" Davis...anytime he sees Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock

"You know your cousin's in jail again...guess what he asked me to get him...a color television...talking about going to wal-mart about prices...How is he going to use it?..."
My mom telling me about my crazy cousin

"And, were taking dumps all over ya faaaaccceee" [oh there's more]

"Everybody's momma...ooohh ooohh...had to suck a little d***...had to suck a little d***...we might as well admit it..."[nope, not done yet]

"And, she's licking on my b***s like she likes it...yeah...yeah...yeah...mmm"
Me and scoe just freestyling the sillest things we could think of...

Just a few reason why everyday's a pleasure...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 1-9-2009

YOOO!!! Merry New Year People. YA BOY IS BACK!!! How have the first 9 days been treating you?

Hey, Um I dont know if you are aware of this but: There is a African-American President elect...Don't know how you get you information with out LL but yea...

Is there a female equivalent to "blue balls"? Pink ovaries? Or would it be Red Pads??

Need a loan? I suggest you start an automobile company or bank and run that mutha straight into the ground...I think that'll do the trick...

I don't think Oedipus was so bad...Maybe the brother just had a hot mom...and as far as killing his pops...how do YOU get rid of Your competition...Seems pretty efficient to me...

Obscure Tangent #1(technically every paragraph is but hey): I dont know about you but I would have Loved to be the officers giving Charles Barkley his sobriety test before he got arrested for his DUI recently. He was probably walking in a crooked line talking crap about how the officer needs to shut up and work on his pepper spray fundamentals...

How can a game be called a neutral site game(BCS Championship game, Tampa) when one of the teams is from that same STATE...Oklahoma probably still would have gotten beat b/c Tebow is just too much of a threat(you put a QB spy on him and he throws to a reciever; drop more men in coverage he just runs again) add that with a defense with the speed of the Flash on amphetimines and well you get an L for the opponents...still doesnt seem fair though...Oh, we may need to think about some Counsel or therapy for OU fans. THATS FIVE STRAIGHT BCS losses for the burgandy bandits...Jee-bus what in the hell does Stoopes have to do to get fired? Slap Moses?


Peep the subtle reverse racism: When a black quarterback can run and is moderately accurate, then THAT brother is the #1 pick, but when a white quaterback(Tebow) does it, that w-other gets "oh he'll never make it in the NFL as a quarterback..."...Hey, WHITE FOLKS CAN RUN TOO...just b/c white running backs and recievers are about as common as a hookers without herpes...that doesn't mean they can't be athletic...


Hookers Without Herpes...hmm, wouldnt that be a good name for an Indie Rock group...

Between Jasmine Sullivan's "I bust the windows out your car"(oh word, I bust the teeth out of your face...not saying I condone that but umm...messing with a man's car isnt exactly the best way to get a brother to act rationally) and Beyonce talking about "did i mention, don't pay him any attention(oook...B but that nigga is over there massaging a cat like Dr. Claw, laughing maniacally and twirling a live hand grenade...Kinda hard NOT to notice him), somebody's relationship is gonna end in murder...I'm just saying ladies...niggas are crazy!!!


Oh, btw TROPIC THUNDER MAYBE THE FUNNIEST MOVIE SINCE ANCHORMAN...If Robert Downey, Jr. doesnt get an Oscar for that, I will lose faith in humanity. How can you be in the 2008 equivalent to blackface and STILL get a laugh out of black folk...The movie was funny all the way through(you know how comedies eventually stop being funny and start trying to tell a story...) and poked fun at Nelly...Gotta love that!

Apparently, Obama is already meeting opposition from various interest groups...The Feminists(or pre-lesbians as I like to call 'em...nah, j/k ladies...kinda) say he is already going back on promises and the Gays are like he never really cared b/c he's recruited Rick Warren to do his invocation...Really, guys? The brother aint even PRESIDENT YET!!! Jeee-buss!!!, its gonna be an interesting 4 years, I tell you what(tm Hank Hill)...I dont care how the next 4 years go, quite frankly. Just seeing white folk trying to hide their fear and disappointment the next day was WELL worth it...even though black folk probably would have rioted if we lost...Shoot I know brothers that were like "i HOPE this nigga loses...I need a new TV!"

I wonder what the temperature of a fat man's fart in a sauna would be? 175 degrees? 273?

I am convinced that the country will NEVER be truly happy until we get a BCS Playoff in place...You know until its actually in place and we bitch about that too...Screw economic solvency and unemployment rates!!!

Seriously though, why are people asking OBAMA to change the BCS? Why do we even care? Have these people seen a paper lately?

Actually, with all these newspapers folding, probably not ...

Gas is back below 2 bones(Thank ya, Jee-Bus!!!)...So all that conservation crap I was talking a few months back...SCREW IT. If OPEC can cut oil production and gas drops, then apparently we must have enough to spare. Hey, stock market speculators are pretty spot on so that MUST be the reason...Look at how they predicted the housing crash!!

How many of your new years resolutions did you end up keeping for 2008? I was at about a .5 success rate...And, nine days in, '09 resolutions aint looking to be kept either...

True Story: So, this man gives his wife his kidney. Nothing out of the ordinary. Generally want to keep your wife alive, right? However, it turns out she ran around on this man and they end up getting divorce. The brother wants his kidney back or the cash equivalent. HAHAHA YOU GO BOY!!! I hope he wins! Divorce laws are biased towards men(true we're usually the ones f-ing up but still it aint right). Plus, it will set a HELL of a precedent. Sure, you can get custody of the kids, but i want custody of your organs, BEE-YOTCH!!! or the cash equivalent of my heart you ripped and stepped on...


Homeboy is better than me though...F the cash equivalent. Give me my damn kidney back!!! I wouldnt even have it reinstalled in my lower back...I'd just keep it in a jar and send her pictures of it every month like " how's your urinary system!!!"

Of course, this man could've been an asshole with one good deed in his whole life...most likely...Still pulling for ya though, bruh!


Obsure tangent #2: How in the hell could ANYbody deny the Holocaust? Really? "Hey man, 6 million people just got on trains for a friendly trip. That's all. Just because you never heard anything from the majority of them again doesn't mean they just up and disappeared. Not to mention the pollution in Germany was just really bad at the time. That was in NO way the ash of human flesh" Wow, the mind can convince itself of anything. ..

Whoopi Goldberg is sexy as hell!! Pot is a dangerous drug and detriment to society as a whole!! Trickle down economics work!! Ok, so maybe not all the time

It must suck to be a sports talk radio host sometimes...Its one of those jobs that everyone with a voice box thinks he/she could do. Many great jobs are like that(acting, rapping, etc) but that is the only one where people can call you and actually tell you about it...

Another time travel fantasy: I want to go back in just spy on some of this hallowed atheletes of the past. Like the only one we really hear that was a straight bastard was Ty Cobb and that's only b/c that nigga was epic! Most athletes of today that AREN'T named Adam "Pacman" Jones are getting into trouble that we all get into from time to time. You get caught slipping with a little too much alcohol or pot...you have a few too many babies out of wedlock...you know, the usual. Then, come the media talking "oh these athletes today are out of control" The egos yes, but its not just them. We are ALL out of control...its just that everyone doesnt have a camera on them all the time...You would probably see things infinitely more evil than what some of these athletes do if you follow the average person around. I bet if you followed Jonny Unitas around all the time, he would F up too...

Now that we gonna have a black president(lets hope.. its a long 12 days from now), can we put an end to the "nigga" thing? It is now officially ok for white folks to use "nigga" in the colloquial sense . To tell the truth, we always knew when white folks meant it as a slang term. We just really had nothing else to hold over you. And, the slavery thing was getting a little old...That is not to say saying NIGGER wont get you an old fashioned AW...Still, might wanna hold off on that one...still too soon

Someone had the NERVE, the UNMITIGTED GALL, the BRASS BALLS, to even insinuate that SLASH from Guns 'n' Roses made the group legendary. Granted, "November Rain" nor "Estranged"nor "Welcome to the Jungle" would have been epic without slash's GHEE-TAR solos, but lets be feasible here...I like curly-haired Jewish guitarists like the next man, but THIS IS AXEL FUCKING ROSE we are talking about here...I just dont buy...especially if its the new album...If axel is on the mic and he doesnt rock, that would ruin a GREAT childhood mancrush...ON that note...

The five best lead singers of a rock band...

5. Anthony Kedis-Wow Kedis ROCKS!!! He is to this day the only rocker who dropped heroin and got BETTER...and the brother can sing, never wears a shirt, and has probably the most kick-ass tattoo covering his back...If that ain't rock and roll, I dont know what is...

4. Scott Weiland-And a close second for the guy who got better when he dropped heroin...it was touch and go there for a minute, but he has found new life with "Velvet Revolver"and I am happy for him...I still think Stone Temple Pilots had the BEST MTV's Unplugged album ever. Jee-bus the acoustic version of "Plush" will change your life...

3. Kurt Kobain-Nirvana's songs were like 4 minute fever dreams with nothing really making sense(well, to me anyway), but it did not matter in the first. The pure angst in the words and the pain in his voice made every song an adventure. In a paradox, the same pain that made his voice great swallowed him whole. As is often the case, the weight of genius only benefits the populace, not the carrier...

2. Robert Plant-I know, I know...I just de-legitimized my little countdown by putting one of the greatest rock singers ever at number 2. This man is awesome, just awesome. You wanna know how to sing the blues? Listen to "Since I've been loving you" You wanna know how to wail? Listen to "The Rain Song". Its just hard to quantify his raw ethos on the mic. The man just makes me feel something with every song. My mind is mere putty. Mold me Robbie!!! I just can't give him number one for 2 reasons...2)Even though he made it his own, he just kinda copied american rhythm and blues and of course, literally the number 1 reason is :

(1) Axel Fucking Rose-Come on now, man crush!!!

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!