Puerile Passages(aka Loquacious Levity) 6-5-2009

Hey, do atheists say T.G.I.F.??

The day I can't laugh at a good fart joke...just strike me down then and there.

What ever happened to underwear with your name in it?

I may be a little biased here but, I would have hated to be a little girl. They don’t get to do ANYTHING...a little boy can come up dipped in mud(been there done dat) and it’s all good, "boys will be boys...but if a little girl did that...it’s a straight AW...

So, my friend and yours, commissioner of RPW wrestling association, the guy whose name means blessed giver of the epidural to the Virgin Mary in Swahili, Scoesese Jenkins, is getting married in a year or so...So, since he is a wrestling fan, we were thinking about cutting promos for his reception entrance...HOW PLAYER IS THAT, MAN!!! "And now hailing from parts unknown, holder of the Intercontinental Leg Lock Championship, Scoesese Jenkins" and he comes in with his groomsman all wearing belts. that would be GANGSTA!!! hahahaha...

Hey, what happened to the Atkins Diet??

If I were up for the death penalty(hey, its possible I'm still young), my last meal would be something like broccoli, a lot of beef, and some apples...just as a last F-you to the world. Imagine what it would smell like("what that smell like"..."unforgivable")...you have burning flesh and an awesome bowel evacuation that would smell like old bus seats and Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear...

I don’t know about you but that last paragraph was HILARIOUS to me...guess I won’t be getting struck down anytime soon!!!

2.5%:percentage of people who are actually sick when they take a sick day at work. With the number of people bringing their germ filled asses to work when they are sick...that’s GOTTA be the number...

Just b/c I can: COOTIES!!!

I am just waiting for a divorce settlement where Facebook is heavily involved..."Your Honor, I knew he was cheating on me(and lets be honest only a man would get caught cheating on facebook) b/c he commented on a bathing suit picture...that b****h didn’t even look that good...He has to be cheating with her...he loves fat women..."

You ever notice at the gym that you can’t get a machine from like spring to September?? But in January you could hurl a free weight and not hit a soul...

I wonder is it grammatically illegal for two homonyms to be together in the same sentence??

You know what one of the funniest word combinations to me is: the words stool and softener...I just love what it implies...Wouldn’t need a stool softener if you didn’t have hard stools...doesn't it just give you visual of someone trying to crap a bar stool??
The always classy Bruce Eagle, lady and gentleman...

-14: the number of people who actually know the second verse to the national anthem...I don’t even think Francis Scott Key knows it...

I wonder what an MRI for Wolverine would look like...would the machine just break or would he get stuck in it??

If you are expecting some hard-hitting, change the world prose in this PP post...You may wanna leave now

HAHAHA, I said PP Post...ill just be putting on my footie pajamas right now...

Dude, how stupid were we in kindergarten not to appreciate nap time...sometimes I just think back to all those naps I shunned and say damn!!!

How long before they start teaching "reality show acting techniques" to drama majors? You know, how to act indignant on the 18th take of you not getting your nonfat caramel mochachino or how to act like you really care that someone ate a piece of you cake in a house full of people or how to act like you are seriously in love with aging rockers or guys who looks like a old chewing gum on the street...Its coming people and its gonna be a sad day...

Hey, What happened to sugar babies??

Ok, watching Kill Bill 2 the other day...and, I was cool with digging yourself out of a grave or pulling out someone's eye, but I am sorry AINT NO CHILD gonna sleep through not one gun shot but TWO...get the bump outta here...

NEWS FLASH: The "l" in Sa"L"mon is silent...Its pronounced CARE-A-mel not Car-Mail...there is no such word as irregardless(seriously, you should ridiculous)...there has never been a fruit called a skrawberry or a sea creature called a skrimp...no one has ever lived on a skreet, EVER...just letting you know...

13: the number of people who get 100 out of 100 on their written driver's test...

249,999,000: the rest of America who barely pass the damn thing...Obviously

Seriously, stop trying to sag straight leg jeans!!! It ain't working playa!!!

I wonder if there are actors at home kicking themselves b/c they turned down something like the wolverine part or Aragon or terminator or rocky or John McClane saying "nah the movie ain’t gonna amount to nothing..."

I always wondered how do you get roosters to fight in a cockfight? Chickens ain’t that aggressive...they are chickenhearted, remember...Do you quietly talk about their mamas? Or step on their Reebok classics or spit on them?? Or do you just say "loser is dinner" and that gets it popping??

Just b/c I can: BOOBIES!!!

It’s funny what puberty does to a little boy...it goes from ewww, girls have cooties to oohhh, girls have boobies...

Can we pass a law that men in pornos have to shut the hell up?? Dude, seriously!!! I always have fantasies all the time where another guy is there moaning...Not cool!!!

True Story: Ok so my manz is making out with this chick at my house. We are about 14 or so at the time. So, the door is closed and I am just chilling playing look out in the den. It's all good until my pops rolls up. Now, we gotta scramble like Cambell right...Mind you, its about 35 steps from My dad's truck to the house and I am fiddling with the back door and I finally get it open and the chick doesn’t wait until I get the screen door open...she runs straight through it like Wil E. Coyote or something...The screen door comes clean off and me and my manz are trying to get it back up when my dad finally walks through the door. He looks and me and says "what happened"...I said "me and my friend were wrestling and we went through the door(hey, it was the best I could do in a split second)" My dad replies, "All that space in the back yard and yall wrestle here?", not believing a word of it...he let it ride though as another silly act from his silly child...ahh, the good ole days...HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, Dad!!!

Seriously, Next time this barista fixes my car-mail macchiato with skrimps instead of skrawberries I will bodyslam him on the skreet, irregardless of whose watching...

Why is 12-5 on Friday even counted as work??

7: the number of blog posts I've written when I WASN'T supposed to be doing something else...

7,123: the number of times I've played Madden when WAS supposed to be doing something else!!

0: Number of girlfriends that actually like the game Madden

Seriously, what’s up with that?....Its like Madden and girlfriends are natural enemies like cheetahs and gazelles...Its always something like "why don’t you get something we both can play" Ok, baby you just hold you breath for me buying that American Idol game...go 'head do it...Itll be tomorrow I promise...

What ever happened to Western Sizzlin?

Have you noticed how big the boobs are in Japanese manga(aka comic books)...I guess they know their audience!!

Would you rather: have sex with Gloria Allred or have carnivorous earwigs gently nibble at your cerebellum...

How can you not like the Kobe and Lebron puppet commercials...Ain’t been this much fun with puppets since Lambchop...

Where in the hell do they get those prices for the "Price is right"?

On that note, when's the last time you used some Doan's...they are always either sponsoring the show or they are in some kinda pricing game...

Is there someone getting into a fight right now trying to defend themselves with Tae-bo?

43%: the percentage of the population with hard stools...

Yep, still funny!!!

Ok, I am getting pissed now!!! Are we ever getting another "Chapelle Show"? Ok, dave, you took a little break but now "YOU GET A JOB"!!!

Can we make "professional student" a paying gig? That would be the best job ever!!

Ima go ahead and say this now: No, I don’t wanna hear about your fantasy football team...

F Vegetables...Matter of fact, F ALL TABLES

Why haven’t made the full conversion to Digital Cable signals yet...

Do you ever think that they lowered the quality of regular television so they are able to charge for HDTV??

Pepsi is the worst...You mean for a limited time I can get REAL SUGAR!!! Why only for a limited time? I ain’t worth real sugar!! A brother can’t get a few cubes here or there? Damn, Pepsi I thought we was tight!

Hey whatever happened to athletic socks? You know, the ones with the three red stripes?

Just b/c I can: Who pooted??

You ever had someone ask you to pick up something for them and you get it wrong, but they get mad at YOU...My bad but you know how you could have gotten exactly what you wanted, perfectly to a "T"? Get it yourself!!
Just b/c I can: Spoinkbucket!!

So now we are in the NBA finals and I like the Lakers b/c Kobes is my manz...How am I a fronter? I root for them all year. I just don’t like to watch regular season B-ball until like 30 games left. Sorry, game 13 in an 82 game season ain’t important enough...I got madden to play and girlfriends to ignore...

Isn’t it fronting to root for the underdog? Especially, if you don’t even think they can win...They are not called UNDERdogs b/c they are a cartoon from the 70's...they are not as good...

So my car got broken into the other day but the thief didn’t take the clothes that were in there(what they ain’t good enough?) or the luggage(again, ain’t good enough?) this NIGGA TOOK MY VITAMINS...THAT’S F-ED UP!!! What, you were low on folic acid? Not enough riboflavin so you gotta go a take my vitamins...Man, the world sometimes, you know?

Doesn’t Stan Van Gundy dress like an old English teacher? Or a kooky art teacher? I can Imagine him saying "people people please...bring some old egg cartons to school tomorrow..."

Hey, What happened to people wondering what happened??

Bruce Eagle the full grown baby. Peace!!!

"We don't believe you...

"...You need more people"-Jay-Z

The NBA as a viable league...sorry you need more people(I knew I only watched the NBA during the playoffs for a reason. These eastern conference finals are really proving that the league is pretty much professional wrestling with more ad-libbing. Ok, has Lebron ever fouled out? EVER?? How can a man that large not commit a foul just by being in the lane? How does dwight howard get so many fouls? How can a man run straight at your chest every time he goes into the lane and gets a foul. Ill concede Lebron is the next Jordan, but he shouldnt be getting all the calls yet. HE HASN'T EARNED IT...Call it right refs!! Having Dwight Howard as the star of the finals isnt so bad...BTW, 27 double doubles in like 31 games...the man is a BEAST(editor's note: HA!! Take that King!! Heavy is the head the wears the crown, huh, Lebron. Its not really even his fault for taking advantage of his stature and the refs favor toward him, but the pouting after losing and the "apology" afterwards was kinda bush jr. league...Hey, live and you lose right??))


People that say American Idol should still be on TV...sorry you need more people(The singers get worse and worse every year. I like a few...Carrie Underwood has some tracks. Big rube can sing and Fantasia is my girl, but come on...we need to stop this now...if for no other reason it gives karaoke rejects such as myself hope for a singing career...sidenote: you should hear my rendition of "smooth" by Carlos santana...you would swear i was rob thomas or maybe bob rhomas...(editor's note: I think this is gonna be like "do you have the job security of Isaiah thomas" theme earlier in the blog...It's been a fun 7 or 8 years, but come on!!!))

Facebook isnt more addictive than a crackberry dipped nicotine...sorry you need more people(wow, there isnt a day that goes by i dont get right on facebook...I doubted it for so long. My bad)
X-men origins: Wolverine as a viable form of entertainment...sorry you need more people(Well, it wasnt that bad. Straight by the books action flick but I dont know, it left me rather dry. Gambit was not done correctly at all. Where's the cajun accent?? Matter of fact, where's the acting...Hugh Jackman...come on buddy...what, being one of the most popular x-men characters for like 10 years isnt doing it for you anymore?? You might as well have been paid 42 cents for that mailed in performance)


"The Hills" as not being interesting...sorry you need more people(I admit i've only watched this show one time, but it was pretty cool...Apparently, empty beauty X is getting married to Prick douchebag A and empty beauty X wants empty beauty Y to be there but empty beauty Y hates prick douchebag A(don't we all!!! i just started watching and he's douchy to me)...INTRIGUE!!! OOOHHH, cant wait for the wedding...not even gonna front(editor's note, I think the wedding finale has already happened, but I aint seen it yet. I have to catch up this weekend..Sad, i know.))

Those who say softball shouldn't have a pro league...sorry you need more people(watched the women's college world series and it was pretty fun!!! Not gonna lie it was fun seeing a pitcher's butt and there being hips there...John Beckett is awesome but umm the butt shots arent cool. It was exciting...and it was fun to ogle!!! Now i know how women feel when they watch basketball...Brittny lastrapes(thats is her real name no lie) is nice and Nikki Nemitz has a nice butt and they both can BALL. Brittny has .9 on base percentage. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...that is ri-hot damn-diculous. and Nikki pitch a three hitter with 120 some pitches and was still throwing smoke. Aint gonna front the ladies can BALL...(editor's note: Danielle Lawrie is a pitching animal. I wrote this on friday b/f I saw the Player of the year play and she is AWESOME...congrats to her and the Washington Huskies for winning the champion-chip...) )

Those last two entries were manly...sorry you need more people(nah, not in the first, but hey...we are all women at one point...(editor's note: Nah, still aint manly...) )

Men and women are the same...sorry you need more people(Take sex for example. Women have to concentrate to have an orgasm(well, not all and if you dont then GOOD FOR YOU) Men have to concentrate NOT to have a orgasm(again, not all and GOOD FOR YOU)...We're opposites. And that is cool. Look at the way we are designed: Men to fit in women. We fit naturally like fingers interwoven. The problem comes when we try to put each other in the same box. Men try to turn women into us and Women try to turn us into them(worst grammar ever by the way). Isn't it easier to hold your hands together when each finger is in a spot that another finger isnt? Try holding your hands together with no space between the fingers...go head...Harder aint it... So we mess up a beautiful, God given thing by trying force each other to BE each other with no leeway, no space. Its not gonna work that way... I admit its easier to deal with someone more like yourself but WHAT FUN IS THAT? Thats why we date...if you wanted yourself then have yourself...you are with yourself all the time, it shouldnt be that hard to hook up...)

Those who would say that stem cell research is evil...sorry, you need more people(Okay, so the research is primarily driven by aborted fetuses(btw, shouldnt it be fetii?? The english language is so weird to me...) but don't protest the research. I can understand protesting Abortion(i dont agree with the protestation but I can see where someone would...see empathy aint so hard), but stem cell research is the making of lemonade from lemons...Until abortion is abolished, why not get some much needed research and try to help those who have actually formed finger nails, full grown brains and breath oxygen, you know like Michael J. Fox or Muhammed Ali...I'm just saying)

That American hubris isn't one of the economy's biggest problems(This is going to be uber-glib...My editor wants me to keep this under 1 million words so ill keep it short(er). Take the auto industry. GM, for instance, is in bankruptcy, among other things, b/c it was too arrogant to change. It was excessive pride that told GM execs that "no we dont have to make more fuel friendly cars even though Jimmy Carter told us 30 some years ago that we should. No he's an old democratic fart what does he know." It was excessive pride that told execs they should make 500% more than the workers who create the products that create the wealth that pays for their opulence. It was hubris to think that you could bury your failures deep in the ledger and hope they just go away. What's gonna happen when the partition you're standing behind falls down? Ever think about that?? No, you were going to be long gone before that. The economy is down but it's not THAT down to bankrupt a 100 year old organizataion. Let's stop fronting here. It was hubris that told you to tell us to buy american b/c it keeps american jobs but not try to outperform your competition. WHY DONT YOU MAKE A CAR THAT IS BETTER THAN YOUR COMPETITION??? THAT'S CAPITALISM!! THATS A FREE MARKET!!...you were lazy... you were prideful and now thousands of americans have to lose their jobs b/c execs were too prideful to make sound decisions and a greenlight cutting edge products. Pride cometh before the fall and a 1% increase in the unemployment rate comes after that and someone coming into someone elses home comes after that...ad infinitum...until collapse. Its a shame b/c of our pride we made OUR creation, OUR industry, as American as baseball, crumble. Hubris, the new American Pasttime...)

Anyone who says Obama isn't doing a good job...sorry you need more people(Really, what are we like 220 days in? And, he was given a crap sandwich and was told to make a filet mignon...medium rare...again, give the brother a chance)

That when you see someone doing something wierd on the road, i.e. swerving, going slow, or almost rear-ending you that it isnt b/c of the cell phone that person is using..sorry you need more people(I am telling you its going to be the death of the human race...if it's not the death of bees, if its not brain cancer, its gonna be we are all going to be on our cell phones just constantly collilding into each other until there is nothing left...We take for granted just how much concentration it takes to properly drive a vehicle. NOT HITTING SOMEONE SHOULDNT BE YOUR SOLE GOAL...There are, at any given moment, hundreds to thousands of other people alongside of you. Hundreds of people with varying levels of driving skill, eyesight, and reaction times. It is like trying to solve hundreds of algebraic equations at one time. Your actions evoke reactions out of others and vice versa. You dont know WHAT is going to happen. That guy could run that red light, that lady could swerve into your lane at the last moment. One slip up could mean serious injury or death to someone else or yourself. So yeah, lets just occupy our minds with ANOTHER activity on top of that...Ask yourself: would you want your surgeon just b/c he's performed hundreds of surgeries, to be doing a crossword while he's working on you?...)

On that note, those who say they can drive drunk or high...sorry you need more peoplle(I admit I used to be one of those people, but not anymore. Ive realized just how much habit plays into that. You ever been buzzed(dont worry I wont snitch on ya) drove home and afterwards you couldnt remember how you got there? That's b/c your mind due to its impairment switched from thinking mode into habit mode. I found this out first hand in GA last weekend. I was a little buzzed and I went out for some snacks(hey, do what you gotta do) and i got so turned around that its wasnt even funny. Mind you that I was on the same road I was on when I was sober and navigated with no problem, but I added an alteration to my mind and BOOM confused as lab rat in the wild. Again, this is DRIVING we are talking about. Just b/c you didnt die horribly didnt mean you didnt put someone else at risk by not being sharp on the road. It's okay not to drive your car home...its okay to not answer that call and pull over to talk. We have precious lives at stake let's start treating as such...I'll do my part...or try or at least feel bad about it...ahh nevermind...)

That dentists and hygenists dont get a bad rap...sorry you need more people(He let's chill out. That hygenist is not Hitler despite that little mustache she is growing(btw, have you ever seen a MALE dental hygenist??). If we actually did what we were supposed to do in the six months(first off actually going every 6 months is a start) b/t visits our gums wouldn't bleed like a UFC fighter at the slightest touch of floss. We wouldn't have to have root canals if we chill out on the candy and sweets and brush and floss like we are supposed to. With that said, Mrs.(or ms. or even i guess Mr.) dental hygenist my teeth are not Carlo Rizzi and I have not sold out the family. My teeth do not need to be Garroted, you know. Be gentle. My gums reviginized in the 6 mths, er, 4 years since the last time they have been flossed. You know good and damn well I aint doing what i am supposed to be doing...Dammit, i hate you ladyman..ok ok Im cool just having flashbacks..)

That I haven't been writing this post for like 3 days whenever i got bored...sorry... actually that's pretty believable...

Bruce Eagle the full Metal. Peace!!!