I love going to Harlem. Its the epitome of free enterprise, a laisse-faire if you will. You want cigarettes. They got 'em. You want some bootleg porn, they got it. Anything you need is up for sale. Its like a swap meet, you know except with a whole bunch of black people. I love that part. Its like I am back in school(went to an HBCU NC A&T BABY!!! dont know what an HBCU is? Go look it up...) So the main drag of Harlem is a befitting title for a post giving free stuff. I wanted to do this off the bat but I wanted to lay low, nah'mean. I think this is a good time. Now, if you have been reading me, you know I am not gonna make this easy. I am going to give you a riddle and if you can figure it out youll know what the download is or you COULD just download it and find out, but you want a challenge, dont you? So...
What you need, money. I got:
A record from a member of one of the most influential rap groups of all time. His voice, in his own words, is "a little moist but choice". Known for his "crying" style and eccentric at best, nonsensical at worst, lyrical content, he has had the most success out of his pioneering brethren. This is the latest offering from this gentleman and judging by the title, his overall success has him in need of some sort of rehab for it. Enjoy...
Saturday, March 1, 2008
125th and Lenox Ave.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Anesthesia part 1...
So its been about a month and a half since this whole crazy blog experiment started. BTW, Thanks for forgetting our month-iversary, but its cool. One of the reason for starting this, outside of, you know, changing the world, was to have a proving ground for my budding writing career. Well, here it is: my first short story. I will come right out and say that prose is not exactly my forte. I am more of an editorial/expository kind of writer, but hey, that never stopped chris webber from rapping, snoop dogg from acting(he's actually not that bad), etc etc. So, without further preamble...ok a little preamble So this will be like a 4 parter(b/c of space constraints and I havent finished writing the damn thing) and at the end ill tell you what I was going for and will see if it matches up. Ok here we go:
Anesthesia part 1“Where am I,” the man asks himself after sitting bolt upright in a pool of indiscernible liquid. The heat is unbearable there. It sits upon his skin like a sweater, thick and encompassing. The ground around him is soft and caresses his back and legs gently. The man looks around and sees a vast expanse of nothingness. No buildings. No people. No one at all. Solitude is a bitter pill when expected but when one wakes up to it suddenly, it is terrifying. Accordingly, the man’s hands shake. He looks down at his chest and sees 4 holes in his abdomen. These holes do not spill blood rather pulse in a reddish hue. “Where the HELL am I,” he speaks aloud. No one answers. The man disregards the light emanating from his chest, again looks at his surroundings, and decides he must set off. He stands with the awkwardness of a fawn attempting to walk for the first time, warily. As he is in the crouch position, calves flexing with the effort to stand, the glow from his chest gets brighter as if unknown energy was flowing into his chest cavity. “AAAAAAAHHH, the man exclaims as rivulets of pain cascade through his nerves. There was no echo only expansive abyss.
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“Baby, you gotta get up. I know it’s hard but you gotta get up and get ready,” a middle aged woman yells from the kitchen towards the back of the apartment. She stands in the middle of the kitchen holding a plate filled with sausages slick with animal fat. Already on the table: a serving dish piled with scrambled eggs, three large bowls of grits, an ovular dish of bacon, and a box of cereal. Normally, the family would fend for themselves for breakfast, but this is a special occasion. Today is the funeral for the patriarch of this nuclear family. A sad story as any death would appear to be.
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The father, a supervisor at a local manufacturing plant, after years and years of surviving unsafe work conditions, high blood pressure, and just being a black man in America, fell to the ground suddenly outside the local corner store. Dead: aneurysm, they say. “They” never speak of the “why” part of death just the “what” and the confirmation of its occurrence. “They” is the omnipresent group of somebodys that convene to regulate and monitor all colloquialisms, gossip, crimes perpetrated on the public, and etc.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“I WAS BORN BY THE RIV-AH...IN A LITTLE TENT...,” Mr. Sam Cooke sings. Mr. Cooke emanates from a small radio in the corner of the bedroom. However, he is singing for an audience of one. Johnny sits in his bedroom in a rather melancholy and inebriated state. Like his mother, he is now getting ready for his father’s funeral. Or should be. He put on his pants about 15 minutes ago and was in the process of buttoning his starched, white shirt until he saw his countenance in the dresser mirror. His eyes, bloodshot and twitching, were of a watery sort but not tearful.
After he was ridiculed by his classmates for crying vociferously after a violent asthma attack, he swore at age 8, a sensitive and tender boy by all accounts, that he was never going to cry again. EVER. He was gonna get strong and never have to deal with being weak again. He was upholding his promise sustained only with the assistance of one of his father's whiskey bottles. He stared at the man staring back at him, his eyes twitched harder.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“Hellooooooooo,” the man calls in futile effort to find Life. He has calmed down in the last 15 minutes. Or at least it had seemed like 15 minutes. It could have been 15 seconds or 15 days. The ground, soft and sponge-like, sinks in with each new step. The holes in his chest still glow with an ethereal intensity. “Helloooo,” he calls. The thought should have occurred to him that in a place as empty and vast as this, there should be some sort of echo, but rational, level-headed thinking was never his forte. Maybe it’s for the best this time though. He counts his steps. He has been 100 steps since he decided to start counting his steps. “one-oh-one, one-oh-two, 1-oh-ahh---” The extreme heat is taking its toll as he tries to breathe normally. He wheezes. He coughs. He vomits.
“Now that’s just nasty,” says a blurred apparition, new to the situation. “I know your mother taught you better than that.”
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“Cut ‘hat mu’ic off and ‘ome on,” the mother yells, hot bacon and eggs spilling out of her mouth. “We gon’ be ‘ate ‘amn it.” She swallows her food hard, reaches for more bacon, and shoves it into her mouth quickly. “Now that would be a sight. The man’s own family late to his funeral. Damn shame that would be. Damn shame,” the mother thinks to herself. She then swallows her food hard, reaches for more grits, and shoves a spoonful of them into her mouth. She looks up to the ceiling languidly assuming that her husband was good enough to get up There or at least slick enough to talk the Big Guy into letting him in. Her husband was always a slick talker, smooth as eggs, but about as tough as burnt bacon. She finally lets her mind guide her. It floats gently to the first time they met:
She worked by day at the neighborhood dry cleaners as the register girl. Every week her future husband would come in and would bring her the same pair of dress pants to clean every time. She said to him finally, “Don’t you got no more dress pants than these. The crotch is wearing thin,” she asks, pointing just below the zipper. “Well, it does have a heavy load to carry day in and day out,” he shot back, “and, besides, these ain’t my pants no way. They are my cousin’s.”
“Huh,” she exclaimed quizzically, “then why you always bringing them in?”
“How else would I see you,” he asked with a hundred watt smile.
During her revelry, the kitchen clock, slave to fastidiousness, chimes melodically. “Bing-Bong, Bing-Bong,” it reports not realizing the musings of wall clocks are not appreciated at the moment. Nonetheless, it’s 8 o’clock. The clock’s chimes throw her back to the present. “Where the hell is that boy,” she thinks to herself. She looks down at the table while a thick fog of loneliness descends on her. “Tic, Tic, Tic,” says the other constant in life beside death.
“They” speak about soul mates in life, a special someone for everyone. The wife never really believed in that mumbo-jumbo. But, she felt a connection with THAT man. She could feel it every time he spoke. His velvety, bass-filled voice would enter her ear, snake down her spine and rattle in the depths of her womanhood. She never liked to be alone for too long. There was always someone around. A mother, a sister, or a friend. If left to her own devices, all her fears, worries, and off-kilter thoughts would consume her; she referred to this internally as the Darkness. There were many nights she opened her balcony window just to let the sounds of civilization envelope her. She confided in her husband about this darkness, this consumer of hapiness. Her husband understood this and he stayed with her, laid on the bed sheets with her even if he wasn’t tired. Not like all the other men she met. Nobody understood her like him. She swallows her food hard, reaches for sausage, and shoves it into her mouth quickly, furiously. The fog thickens. The Darkness is coming.“Tic, Tic, Tic,” says time. Its screams at her, pounds in her ears. It is now 8:01-too early in the morning to cry; too late to say goodbye. In lieu of this, she slams her hand forcefully on the table. “Bam”, it reports. It shakes; the eggs fall to the floor, the box of cereal topples. “You son of a b***h….You son of a b***h...”
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Letter to Shareholders-Acme Industries's
Dear Shareholder,
As you may know there has been a lot activity during this fiscal year. We will begin with our recent achievements. We are pleased to inform you that we are now officially "green" in all of our factories. We have gotten rid of the previous asbestos-spewing air conditioning units and the toxic waste conveyor belt we've used the first 99 years of our existence, but we go by the law: "better late than never".
In an unrelated note, employee mortality rates are at their lowest level in our 100 year history. Also for the first time ever, we have a health care plan for factory workers(originally just for executives) to back up this claim. Yes, the factories are loving their new Baflack/HMO. These recent employee changes will decrease our bottom line, but the safety and health of our employees has always been paramount. We are also pleased to inform you that our stock price is now at 1,000 dollars per share, but we aim to get that number up to 1500 per share by optimizing our factory space in addressing a long standing employee-overcrowding issue.
As well as our recent successes, Acme has been embroiled in a few minor legal conflicts. We want to instill in you our confidence that the recent lawsuit filed by one, Mr. Wil E. Coyote, is frivolous and unfounded. We have a legacy of over 100 years of providing quality products and services. We take pride in our creations and go to great lengths to ensure their safety with proper use. We also have pending litigation from a midwestern contingent of megalomanical farmers who want to rid the world of gophers. The lawsuit contends that the farmers were given cancer because we included toxic materials from china in an attempt to increase profits. We want to stand by our defense that we were not aware that the same Chinese factory that makes dog food and toothpaste also makes the buttons for our Rocket powered artillery division. Here at Acme, we want our products to be deadly not toxic.
In an unrelated bit of good news, we are purchasing a Chinese dog food and toothpaste company to diversify our already large firm. Our holdings in MotherFlurbers, makers of .9 mm baby pacifiers, and ClassRoles, makers of explosive file folders for teenagers, will not be affected by this new acquisition.
Lastly, we made 100 Billion dollars in profit for the year. In a related note in light of this record breaking profit, the Board of Directors has authorized bonuses and raises for the entire executive team.
As always, it is our goal to do everything in our power to make the shareholders happy. After all, you are our favorite customers.
Sincerely,
B. Astards III, CEO and Chairman, WEa, pHd mbU, ReT. lieUtenant-Armed Forces.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
"We don't believe you...
"you need more people"-Jay-ZRoger Clemens is a non-juicer...sorry, you need more people...(this along with "do you have the job security of Isaiah"...will be a running item until it is irrelevant and Roger confesses. And, judging from the way all this has played out thus far...I think it should be relevant for years to come)
“Crank Dat Batman” is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(umm, YEAH...hey man i know every song aint gotta suit my fancy, but hot damn...that is a terrible fucking song. I mean its so bad that if i ever see these dudes...Im punching them square in the face and thats "word to my seed-dah". I like the whole "snap song" trend, its catchy and gives you something to dance to. Its not big on lyrical content but hey everything has its place. This right hurr dough...is not...its just not...F it...im moving on)The Showtime/CBS show, Dexter, is not one of the best shows on TV...sorry, you need more people...(here i go again with the righteous "you should watch this show...blah blah"..but man, this show is on another level. Its clever, well-acted, and very engaging. Its a bit gory, but thats cool you should be used to it on network TV by now. Give it a shot, pretty puh-lease...)
Crank Dat Batman is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(yeah i had to run this one twice...)
America is still the most powerful country in the world...sorry you need more people...(I guess this is technically right given there is no one country more powerful in the world, for better or worse, but you gotta admit we are slipping as a dominant country. With the way we botched the Iraq war why should anybody fear us let alone respect us anymore? The dollar isnt the strongest currency(we are behind the Euro and if you can believe the canadian dollar). We dont make the best anything anymore either. No food, no toys, no clothes, no toothpaste, for Christ's Sake, we dont even do our own customer service anymore. How do you outsource a call? Damn thats bad. All that aside though, recent war "win"/loss record and all, we still have the most nukes though if you anybody wanna take it there(or at least i hope. I have a hunch that pakistan is slowly building a nuclear arsenal better than ours under the radar, hahaha what you know about parens inside of parens. this is history ppl)...but lets hope not...No point being the most powerful nation in the world again if there aint no world...but i digress)
The Patriots are the 2004 Superbowl Champions...sorry you need more people...(I thought we went over this in the last LL post. Those bastards cheated! It wasnt just against the Rams...Oh so they found a successful way to win but they just decided to get ethical in the face of a team that could beat them? BULLFEATHERS...They are co-champs with the Panthers...matter of fact this is gonna be another runnning item until everybody comes to their senses. Write your congressperson. Petition at the courthouse. We need to make this happen. Oh and while you're writing and petitioning, feel free to picket something like increased funding for stem cell research too, but STAY FOCUSED on this people...! Ill be watching...)Atheists...sorry you need more people...( I dont have the time to delve too deep into this one right now. I think ima do a "mythbusters" post on this topic, but really? I know, religion can be disenfranchising at times, but NO GOD at all? really? Do you know that your heart on average beats 70 times per minute? Try doing that with your hand? Hurts like hell dont it? Have you seen a sunset? Evolution, even? Come on, we can explain why we walk upright, the heart, sunsets etc, etc, but you dont feel that there is some overall force moving all of this? Call it energy, Call it Akira, Call it God, but there is SOMETHING that is moving the heavens and life itself. To think that we are anything other than a wrinkle on a larger brain is kinda arrogant, but you are entitled to your opinion, but to me, you just need more peeps, quite frankly...On that note:)
An opinion cannot be wrong...sorry you need more people( i know i know by definition an opinion cant be wrong. Isn't that just being nice about people's inner thoughts? By and large, most opinions cant be wrong, i understand. Por Ejemplo, "In my opinion, vanilla ice cream is the best ice cream ever, EVER" How the hell can you disprove that...it cant be wrong. However, what about opinions based on erroneous information? Like if everything that came out about roger clemens so far was false, my opinion that he is a lying, patronizing bastard would be based on erroneous information. I would rescind my previous opine and change it. In theory, my previous opinion would have been technically wrong...but "yall dont hear me, you just wanna dance"...on that note though...UNA VEZ MAS:
Crank Dat Batman is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(and opinion or not this cannot possibly be wrong or refuted so dont even try...)
Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Loquacious Levity 2-25-2008
Someone said that Capitalism is inherently evil. Close but not so. How glorious is capitalism with its ability to let someone be as famous as rich as anything that they can be. There is NO ceiling, at least theoretically. Capitalism tells us that a man can and should earn what his true value is. Its liberating to know you can be anything you want to be and sell it, buy it , or use it when you become IT, at least theoretically...
Now, capitalism as most ecomonic theory(socialism, communism, etc) looks good on paper, no doubt, the problem comes when it is put in practice. Humans, inherently flawed, have no discipline. How can you tell a man a certain amount is "enough money" when there is no cap on it? 1 million? Shit, lets try 1 BILLION and if i have to close my plant in some po-dunk town that will die without it, move it to some third world country, and save millions, so be it. So, capitalism in its theory is glorious...its just the damn implementation thats the problem...With that said, I am a human(yes yes its true) so GIVE ME MY CASH, nucca!!!
The reason we were so scared of communism in the fifties and sixties was what it represented not necessarily the countries that practiced it. It was just that all countries that practiced it were so easy to fear and dislike(korea, russia, etc). But, a communal pot? The community working towards a common goal? F-THAT!!!! You think America was gonna let THAT idea catch on? But, like capitalism and its glorious theory, communism falls flat in practice. The idea of gov't interaction to regulate the people toward a common good, with human frailty, tends to lend itself to demagogues and dictators alike. Too bad, the idea works so well on paper...
Congrats to "No Country for Old Men" for winning best pic last night at the Oscars. Great Movie, well acted, well shot(the cinematography was great. I am glad they didnt waste those beautiful landscapes of the desert). What is going to be lost, on some not all, is that this movie is a parable. Actually, its a reflection, a mirror image. You think NCFOM was too violent? Think it was too gory? Well, the Coen brothers just showed you a snapshot of the world in which you live. Violent, confusing, and at times seemingly meaningless and random(hence the coin flip element to the villian)...
Like Jesus's parables in the bible, the story was just a medium to deliver a message. Yes, this time is violent yes it is random and hard to take. Yes, this country is not built for old men. It takes a strong constitution to stomach this world at times. But, you know what? Its been like that since that first "retarded fish-frog"(copyright South Park) decided to walk upright...However, the Coen brothers did give a ray of hope in this bleak parable: Luellen's wife. She was the moral compass of the movie continually espousing "you dont have to do this..." She says something to that effect multiple times throughout the movie. And she is right. We dont have to do this. Remember yall, it doesnt have to be like this...we can control it and make the world better. That is, you know, if its alright with yall.
For anybody that thinks humans are not animals: take a look at an infant. Not saying that children are animals...actually thats exactly what im saying. Think about it...Infants and children are pure instinct. They dont care you have to go to work in the morning they are hungry and need to be fed. They dont care that its 2 in the morning...They dont care that your boss is at your house they are gonna run around naked(our purest form). Child rearing is just another word for child training. We teach them how to act in our society. Everytime we fuss at them; everytime we pop their hands; everytime we give them a cookie for peeing in the potty; we are conditioning them like a pavlovian dog to act as we act and do what we do.Umm...I know i should feel slighted that flavor flav has tarnished his legacy as a pioneer in one of the most influential, positive rap groups of all time(and if you dont know what group. I think you should leave now...no, no go ahead. You need to leave), but that nucca is HEEE-LARIOUS. The show is so obviously staged but it is HEEE-LARIOUS. Those women are so obviously out to be famous, start a burgeoning video girl career or something, but they are HEEE-LARIOUS...HEY, i never said i was perfect. I have my vices and Flavor of Love is as addictive and seemy as a smack habit...at least there are no needle marks in my arms despite the obvious effects it has on my brain..
HEY MAN, did the hot damn Patriots CHEAT in their Superbowl wins? Thats the new wrinkle in the Spygate saga...Supposedly, actually let me put on my Roger Cossack, ESPN legal analyst hat on, Alledgedly, there is evidence that the Patriots taped the Rams practice before their first Superbowl win(if they cheated in one that means they cheated in all of them. Yep, thats what we are gonna go with). Now, i could give a crap out the damn Rams, but:
DID THOSE BASTARDS CHEAT IN THEIR 2004 SUPERBOWL AGAINST MY BOYS, THE CAROLINA PANTHERS? hmm...did YOU beli-bastard!!!??? Did you? SNIFF, SNIFF. I want my HOTDAMN(im toning down the severity of my curse words...you know for the babies) SUPERBOWL Banner, you bastard!!!You say that "13 panther players were found to have used steroids the following season". First off, thats none of your hot damn business thank you...Second, so Rodney Harrison was juicing too!!!...So guys i am willing to split that title with you. Hey, we'll be doing YOU a favor we COULD just come up there and take it. Ever seen an army of pissed off rednecks(so what we lost the Civil War we've been practicing since then and we are pissed) But, its cool we can share...just bring us the trophy and we can call its square...Good im glad we got this settled. Now i can say:
The Carolina Panthers, 2004 SUPERBOWL CO-CHAMPIONS. Yep, that sounds ‘bout right...Get the T-shirts ready!!!
Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!