Office of Urinal Ethics and Responsibility

Ok...This is long overdue. And, given my propensity for potty humor every chance i get, I am just the guy for this..

We are gonna sit down here today and just make some general Urinal Ethics and Repsonsibility guidelines. These are not rules, per se, and if you dont follow them, its not like there is some kind of police action that would follow you(although that would be....nah). Its just a friendly list of actions to make our 10-20 secs in front of that open hole in the wall a little better(if there is anything that shows just how unrefined a man can be, it would have to be a urinal...peeing into a hole in the wall...just a layer of porcelain from peeing ON the wall...)

Oh, a little more background on the reason for the document: I am currently working for a bottled water company. As you would expect, the employees get all the bottled water they can drink during the day. Couple my love of free stuff and my inability to hold water(literally and figuratively i would suppose) and you will get a guy in front of a urinal many more times than would be appreciated. A funny note though is that since many employees take advantage of the free water thing, I am being exposed to suprisingly long pee sessions in the b-room, counting me as well. Whats the longest you've ever peed? My record is like 55 secs. May not look long on paper but damn its an eternity. Enough preamble, on to the guidelines:


1. There has to be some kind of time period of friendship for guys talking at the urinal, a statute of intimations, if you will. Like if i havent known you for at least six weeks(really thats being nice), why are we conversing with our pee-pees out? It just doesnt feel right.

So, lets say you have to have known someone at least 2 weeks in a business setting and 6 weeks recreationally to hold a convo(i am not talking about saying "how you doing" or something like that i mean the hard core discussions) at the urinal with them.

You know something...thats really the only one. Oh oh wait, wait...two more

2. Every bathroom has to have some kind of barrier between urinals. I feel like such a heathen peeing without a guard up. What are we the ancient Romans or something?...I am all about building bridges and coming together as a species but can a brother get a little donut when he's got the jewels out?

3. Why the hell are men still pissing in troughs? You remember at the baseball games as a kid and you would go to the b-room and just love peeing in that trough? It was freedom you could pee anywhere you want as long as its was in the trough. No, better yet, remember when you would be out with the fellas playing b-ball or baseball or two-hand touch and one person said they had to pee, then everyone had to pee. You would find a ditch or something and all of you would line up and pee in a ditch.


Done that lately? No, because you are grown now. Its not just paying bills and being miserable that makes you a grown-up...its pissing correctly as well. Funny thing is the last time i peed in a trough was at a supposedly "upscale" manhattan club... So, lets put a ban on the troughs ok...Nah lets keep 'em in preschools and elementary schools. Wouldn't want to take the joy of peeing in troughs from the babies...but all adult establishments, yeah lets go with barrier-infused upright urinals...

Thats just about it. Take these guidelines my padouin learners and lets all have a happy Pee-riod with fun, safe, and up-to-guidelines urinals.

And if you dont follow the guidelines, you will seriously piss me off(did you really expect me not to end on a pee joke? come on now...)


Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!