"I am starting to like rap sometimes...but not all the time. Sometimes its just another nigga talking to me that ain't listening"-CP on her budding rap affinity
"Seriously, John did you really think you were going to win"-A campaign manager speaking to a dejected Johm McCain on Election night
"Dee-bah-dum-da...La-di-la-doba-dah-da"...Stan getz "Acqua di Marco(or at least thats what i THINK they are saying...appears to be portuguese)
"Give it to Mikey..."-Molly, jailhouse pimp(ok gonna stop with the Vick in jail jokes they are derivative and trite, regardless to their hilarity)
"No, I don't want to do Playboy...yet"-Sarah Palin weighing her options with her agent
"...you know I've always hated you"-my friend scoe after I knocked over the ashtray...again
"...that don't mean we gonna be having bbq's on the white house lawn every week"-Michael Basden on Obama getting elected
"Remind me how having a brown man in office with an arabic last name is going to INCREASE terror attacks from brown people with arabic last names"-Bruce eagle
"Jesus, I wish these ho's would back up off my MAN"-Michelle Obama, first lady elect
"Its like the OJ trial all over again. Black folks are way TOO happy and white folks are way TOO sad"-My pops on the Obama election
"Seriously, I am so out of date. I'm like Strom Thurman reading poor richards almanac with a vitrola playing in the background. Even I can see THAT"-The 2nd amendment
"Yes, my name is busty mcclure and I am calling about a workers comp claim....UM, yes I lost the use of my right eye in a botched teabagging scene"-Excerpt from a call to AFLAC
"Aaaahhh yeah. I got something to tell you all...umm...About Genesis. Umm...well, it WAS actually SUPPOSED to be Adam and Steve in the bible. My bad, I just caught it...UH-HUH...Jesus Christ, give me a break here. YOU try holding an ever expanding void together with your bare hands...ITS A VOID...Besides its not like it did any harm...It's not like you guys are taking those stories and parables literally or something...oh you are, huh? Well who in the hell told you to do THAT, sure wasnt me"-GOD
Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
You can quote me on that
Friday, October 31, 2008
"We don't believe you...
you need more people." Jay-ZMax Payne as a viable form of entertainment...sorry, you need more people...(Jesus, that movie was awful...Maybe, I didn't get it b/c i didn't really play the ga...nah it was just terrible)
Barack Obama's "redistribution of wealth" line of political theory as socialism...sorry you need more people.(Yes, redistribution of wealth is a tenet of socialism, hence, the SOCIAL part of the "ism", but its not totally socialism. We are not totally capitalist, either. If that were so then AMTRAK wouldn't be owned and operated by the government. No one nation operates purely in one economic theory. Its usually a mix. And besides, what is so damn bad about THAT...how do you think the wealthy get wealthy? hmm? they perform or sell a service or goods(well the legal ones anyway) and we, the public, pay for it. Now, when tax time comes around, the execs and the company itself are taxed easier relative to income than the people who helped make the company and the execs rich. How is that fair? What Obama wants to do is tax the people with the most money MORE and tax the common folk less relative to income, thereby compromising so that the government can makes its money, we commoners can keep ours, and those who can AFFORD it make the bill. Now, if this does happen we will have to make sure that the money is going back into the economy and not some politicians pocket but we'll have to cross that when we come to it).The past 8 years have been the new millennium...sorry you need more people(between the rapidly growing disparity b/t the rich and the poor, the rampant use prescription drugs and Ecstasy(the explosion of crack), a very evil president and cabinet(Reagan administration), and a stock market crash, you can't tell me the last 8 years haven't been the 80's. Could've fooled me)
Arby's...sorry you need more people...(come the hell on now, Arbys. Are you serious? Who in the hell needs that much roast beef?)
KFC as a franchise...sorry you need more people...(No, no no...KFC is not a franchise. They are cold blooded bastards...First we had that melange of arterial blockery with that meal bowl and now they are passing out that Sampler box filled to the brim with stroke fodder. Seriously, doesn't KFC know who they are dealing with? We are Amercians, for Christ Sakes. You put that much food in front of us we are going to eat it! All of it. KFC needs to realize their responsibility and stop giving us so much delicious savory good-oh-so goodness b/f we eat ourselves to death. And do something about that nasty ass gravy, too...on that note...)White gravy...sorry you need more people...(WRAPS!!! Gravy is soul brother brown...you can kill that white gravy noise. Dang, cant we have anything as a people without white folks taking it? First you take our music and now you take our gravy? Well, I am taking a stand: NO MORE WHITE GRAVY!!! Petition at your local CRACKER Barrell...)
Max payne as a viable form of entertainment...sorry, you need more people. (Um... yeah its that bad...)
People that want the game of baseball to stay the same...sorry you need more people(Come on y'all you don't think baseball needs a little tweaking every now and then? It's 150 years old. We even change the damn constitution more than we change Baseball. What else has stayed the same for the last 100 years other than racism and American flag? You can talk to an elderly dementia patient and they will tell you how they still hate the DH rule. Its like you can't touch baseball at all. If you say, "hey maybe we should cut back on the approximately 185 thousand games you play a season." You get aback, "no, no no..." I just don't understand it.)Inspirational Black/white movies as a good idea...sorry you need more people...(Ok, we get it. White folks use to ban black athletes...Black athletes just wanted to play...Black neighborhoods got a much needed boost in confidence and the spirits of an entire race were lifted by that one shot or home run or touchdown catch...Inner City schools are rough...White people cant dance and black people can...Urban youth just need someone who cares...blah blah blah, we get it. Enough already)
Frank Caliendo as a comedic genius...sorry you need more people(I just don't...I just hate this man and I can't even explain it...)
Li'l Wayne as a lyricist of the year nominee...sorry you need more people(come on now...I like wayne songs like the next man, but the negro spent the last 7 mths or so...sighing and speaking unintelligibly. How in the hell are the histrionics lyricism? Entertainer of the year, YES but not lyricist. Niggas, please. NAS needs lyricist of the year for the "Untitled" album. He made an album we needed to hear not wanted to hear. )
Republicans are doing all they can to win this election...sorry you need more people(I am convinced now. The repubs are throwing this election. Its like they are not even trying. The strategy is just awful. The candidates in the primary this year were just awful. And, Sarah Palin. Really? This is the best you can find? She is cute and all, but she ain't that damn cute to get away with being that damn stupid. This is not the repub political machine I am used to. They are treating this like a CLASS president election...)
Iraq has weapons of mass destruction...sorry you need more people(I know I know, it's been proven that they didn't have so much, as chris rock would say, a wiffle ball bat, but I can't let that shit go. EVER. We got gassed and manipulated so hard you would have thought we were a fledgling rap star or something. I reiterate: HOW DO YOU NOT GET IMPEACHED FOR THAT CRAP?On that note...)
Those who believe a soldier is a soldier...sorry you need more people(No, a soldier is not a soldier. A soldier is a HUMAN BEING. Try this: instead of saying over 3500 soldiers have died in the Iraq war, say over 3500 people have died. Doesn't that sound much worse? We look at our soldiers as employees which, to a certain extent, is correct, but what other employee has to go that far beyond the call of duty? Died for FedEx lately? People get up in arms about protesting a war like its disrespecting the troops. NO, this isn't the 70's. Yes, it did get a bit out of hand during the 70's like it was the soldier's fault we were in Vietnam, but not now. And, if you haven't done so just thank a soldier for doing what I and probably you too are too scared to do. But, how about we REALLY respect our troops and send them to fight and win a war that MATTERS? How's that for respect: Dying for a good cause and not for some Geo-economic bullshit. on that note...)
People who say soldiers are dying to protect our freedom...sorry you need more people(Really, who in the hell is threatening our freedoms anyway? Our freedom to be as fat as we want, our freedom to be as greedy as we want, our freedom to carry guns that could take out an aircraft. No, those are safe. Now, I will admit that our freedom to make a living wage, our freedom to have or not have a kid, our freedom to be intoxicated by anything we damn well please, our freedom to have a private phone conversation, our freedom to properly elect a president is being threatened, but by our own government, not any foreign entity. You wanna fight? Fight the branches of government who have quietly been taking our REAL freedoms for decades now. A soldier has not died on foreign soil to "protect our freedoms" since the second World War.)
Bruce Eagle will lose a quarter of his material after this administration...sorry you..actually I will. This last 8 years may have been a rubric for efficient human rights violations, but it has also been a boon for us bloggers. What in the hell are we going to do after this administration? Man, I feel like frank caliendo here...well, at least I can spend more time talking about farts and boobies so maybe its not all bad...
Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
"Out Damned Spot!"
Shakespeare and I haven't really gotten along since we were introduced about, oh, 10 years ago in high school. I don't think his prose is all that special. He's just got the benefit of obsolescent language, which makes it harder to understand thereby giving an esoteric feel to something that, at the time of its creation, was common language. Shakespeare wrote for generally uneducated masses, but he has some of the most timeless topics and issues in his plays and sonnets. He has a sonnet that pretty much reams his old lady a new one for about 14 lines, but the last two are pretty much "she's all I got and I love her so the other crap doesn't matter." Isn't that relationships in a nutshell? Your partner says and does some of the dumbest crap this side of a Texas Air Guard deserter, but at the end of the day, that person makes you happy so nothing else matters in the grand scheme of things.
Nowhere in Shakespeare's writing are the concepts as timeless as his tragedies because Ipod, walkman, phonograph, to traveling minstrel to any other advance or change throughout history, the one constant is tragedy. In each of these tragedies, there is a tragic hero, our protagonist, if you will (if I sound too 11th grade English, just bear with me. There is going to be a point in here somewhere). Some poor smhuck is going to fall victim to one of the timeless pitfalls of humanity. Zealotry (Macbeth), Lovesickness/Heartbreak (Marc Antony), Greed (Lady Macbeth), Treachery from those you thought were your friends (Othello), the Pit falls of being on top/treachery (Hamlet). In essence, Greed and treachery. And, what defines the human experience quite like greed and treachery.
In all of the Shakespeare tragedies, the tragic hero is ALWAYS warned of dangers to come. It's just this danger is usually delivered by a fool, drunkard, witch, hobo, vagabond, hoser, leper, or Cubs fan, which is then summarily tossed aside by the tragic hero. Bad move. ALWAYS. The most important note about this is that the advice/admonishment is ALWAYS dead on. This is a hard fact of life. Many times advice or warnings are shrugged off because the source isn't cool enough or fly enough or wizened enough or old enough or young enough. Think about this: How many times were your parents EXACTLY right when giving advice about life? Advice you didn’t listen to but ultimately should've.
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Take in all information you recieve at first. Roll it around a bit. Research it if you deem necessary. If it isn't a complete load of horse hockey, then swallow it down. If its hot gah-bage, spit it back. Ask the right questions. Challenge people. "Hey, a snot rocket to the eye socket doesn't sound like it will cure cancer." "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t think we should give folks who just lost billions of dollars more billions and think its going to be alright." But, give it a chance first. Just because a republican said it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Just because a democrat said it doesn’t make it Gospel and vice versa depending on your affiliation.
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Correlation is not causation. At first glance, the answer to all those questions would be yes; however upon further investigation, they are empty questions and the answers prove absolutely nothing about future events. Its election year with the big day soon at hand and you will hear a WHOLE lot of erroneous, loosely analogous accusations that at first thought sound reasonable, but don't hold water upon further inspection.
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I am not telling you who to vote for. I am telling you what to do before you walk into that booth. Think, really think, about what you feel is important and which candidate gives it to you. If you love health care but hate black people, vote for Barack! If you like the status quo and feel we shouldn't change power during an unstable economy, but you hate women, go ahead a vote for McCain. It’s the MOST important thing to you. I hate broccoli but if a brother was starving you can cool believe I am eating the damn broccoli. And, ladies and gentlemen this country is starving.
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Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Loquacious Levity 10-15-2008
Hey, Did you know that in February 2009 that cable is switching to digital? So, if you have an analog box or a t.v. with rabbit ears...
So, How bout those Yankees...hahaha, i guess Torre was your good luck charm...
Have you ever went out drinking on Thursday night and got hammered and the only way you can remember what happened is through sudden flashbacks like the dude from Memento? So you are at your computer at work the next day and all of a sudden its…OH MY GOD, I peed my pants last night…No? Me neither…
Here let me have a minute with my man Juice…Orenthal James SIMPSON…What the in the flying fuck at a rolling donut(big ups to Vonnegut for that one) is wrong with you!!!! YOU LET THEM GET YOU …Damn, juice we all know you did it. That aint the point. The point was it was so obvious that you did it and GOT away with it…All the lynchings, all the violations of due process black folk had to deal with for centuries and we had finally got one over after all these years!!!…Juice you didn’t win that for you. YOU WON IT FOR US… …And you let them get you anyway…Its not for murder true, some b.s. theft and kidnapping charge…but THEY GOT YOU nonetheless…Fuck it, Juice. I am through with you…Foreshadowing: Baaaaaa....only sorry you got c-aaaaaaa-aught
Is it just me or has McCain's campaign been immensely unrepublican? I dont mean that its not with out that subtle classist and racist undertone, but where the hell is the political savvy? Say what you want about the Repubs, but those are some political animals...Had us wrapped around their finger for 8 years...oh and lets not even talk about the 80's and the early 90's...Not that I mind this one bit, but i feel like we are being slighted. Like the democrats are beating up on the Republicans, but its like beating the patriots with out tom brady...Phyrric. This victory will be tarnished(and there is sufficient enough time to f-this one up too, but its looking good). Never thought i'd acutally miss Karl Rove...he was a political bad-ass...Did I just call Karl Rove a bad-ass?…wow
For the sake of appearances, literally and figuratively, shouldn't John McCain just drop out of the election? This is the best looking election, well, ever. All the candidates but him are good-looking (no homo). McCain is lowering the beauty quotient...substantially
Theoretically, if guys are going to give the "no homo" if they even allude to the fact that another man might be handsome, shouldn't the same thing go for when they say a nucca is ass-ugly? You are still judging a man…
It only took one of the most laughable caricatures of a politician in Sarah Palin to bring glory back SNL. Its like its Dan quayle all over again...POTATOS!!!!
OH MY GOD, I got shot down by a lady with a mustache and musty armpits…Hey, isn't Frank caliendo going to lose a good third of his act when President B...oh my bad, the soon to be former chief executive who shall remain nameless in this blog (ahh, thats better) steps down(technically, he never really built a platform so I dont know what he would step down from. Ba-dum-ching!! Thank you thank you…). He better hope John Madden lives forever...
You ever just get the feeling that one day you'll wake up and its the first day of Kindergarten? I don’t know if that would suck or not...On one hand you really get to start over and really make a killing on Super Bowl bets, but damn you would have to do everything over again...
And, that would be a really long dream...
OH on that note, will people stop getting so out done over “god damn it” Its not cursing at God, its asking God to curse something…I admit it sounds a bit harsh, but there is no better phrase for being stuck in traffic, getting the wrong food after you drive away from the drive thru, getting out the frustrations at work, or when Steve Smith drops a pass that bastard should have caught…I mean, it was right in your hands, its was a crisp pass and you dropped it…we could have gotten back into the game you bum…GODDAMN IT!!! See? (seriously though, Steve smith is so nice on the field, I would marry his hands if I could…)
No homo, btw…
What if we are as smart as we are ever going to be as infants? The only thing we are missing is speech. It would appear that all evidence in adults substantiates the claim...
How in the hell do we know we only use 10% of our brains. Isnt it our brain that’s telling us that? How do we even know the other 90% is useable? It could just be the biological equivalent of packaging Styrofoam…I don’t know, man…F-it, Juice…Ima stick with you…I can’t stay mad at you…You were Norberg for Christs Sake…
Aren't all questions answered by rhetoric rhetorical questions?
OH MY GOD, I sung Everybody Hurts at Karaoke last night and cried so much I couldn’t finish the song…
People say don't waste your breath, but we dont know how many breathes we get...Shoot if I live to 100(doubt that, either the 'Ports or the man's or some pissed off badger’s (don't even ask) gonna do me in), what's a few breaths here and there...I think St. Peter does some accounting when you reach the gates anyway. Like he sees you gave some breath to charity here...someone owed you some breath there...and he sends you back for a few more months to get those breathes back...Whenever you see a depiction of heaven, there is always a line...I like the metaphor because everyone wants to get to heaven, but one would think the most perfect place in existence would be more efficient...Hey, maybe there's beauracracy even there...Like you have to have Peter sign you in, then you go to another line where Jesus has to sign take your...ahh, f-it, you get the point...
Hey, what if every religion gets a heaven...I wonder would a buddist heaven have a buffet with buddah ladeling out clear broth and salisbury steak...
Word Power: Smollette- noun (SMOW-let), the situation that arises when person’s finger breaks through the toilet paper and slids into the anus…
I am still trying to figure out if Keanu Reeves can act. I mean, what if the back story for every character he’s ever played is a guy who flunked out of acting school? Even Neo (that’s why he had to work in that office, cus he didn’t make it as an actor)…If that’s true, then he is a genius!!!!I could have sworn Rihanna could sing. She ripped that "Unfaithful" track she had a while back. I mean, she won’t no Whitney in her prime but who is? Jeeezus, now she sounds like a sheep doing a Keith Sweat impersonation.
What is it about male feces that just makes it stick to the bottom of our underwear (It happens to us all...Don't EVEN front)...I think it’s the high beef content...
Am I the only one that wants the steroid era in baseball back?
ok...ok...The top five things that need to stop right f-ing now...
5. The Voicebox in music-Guys it was pretty cool at first. It had an eighties throwback feel to it and Kanye's verse on that "Put on" wouldn't be as hot with out it("I put ooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnn), but does it really need to be in every song now? Everything in moderation people...4. The skinny jeans on men-Word, so you mean to tell me all this time I could have been wearing straight leg jeans? I dissed Lee jeans all this time for nothing! F-THAT...and put a few more inches on that waistseam homie...I can see your unborn babies...
3. Women that think all they have to offer in a relationship is poon-Ok I am willing to concede that some of this is due to men's overvaluing of vagina...and us paying exorbitantly to get it(yes, TI it IS tricking if you got it, cus you tricking her into thinking that poon is all she has to offer). I mean, most women my age don’t even know how to cook that well (hey did that read as 1950’s as it sounded in my head?) They go out to party with no money (the cute ones anyway). They dont pay bills...hold up…that’s a pretty sweet gig now that I think about it...shoot, ladies I cant even hate...ok so...
3. Gas stations with no Gas-so your primary function is to provide gas right...so WHY THE HELL AINT YOU GOT ANY...? Wow, man...10 years ago if you would have told me I could go to exxon for gas and there wouldnt be any...wow...does this scare the shit out of anyone but me? They dont call 'em fossil fuels, cus they make ugly ass watches...Once its gone...well, you know the rest
2. Baseball taking its sweet damn time-I like baseball, i really do. There is no better way to spend a summer day than to overpay for hot dogs and sweat your butt off at a ball park. But, come on yall you dont care that a nigga got to go to work tomorrow? The batter has to knock the dirt of his cleats(never really got that one...you have to put your foot right back in the dirt), spit, swing the bat a few times, fart, call his mama, and pay some bills...and that is just between pitches when the pitcher actually deems it worthy to finally throw the ball...I guess baseball really is america's game...You have people complaining about the number of hispanics(really just peep the subtly when someone calls in to a sports radio show about the Mets), it takes for ever for something to get done(a hit), and when it does there is no guarantee that it will pay off(stranded runners), Only a few people are doing something at one time and the rest just stand around and watching(that’s pretty much Congress right there…)
1. Bruce Eagle taking a month between posts-my bad...I'll get better I promise(but what is a bruce eagle promise...?). Give me a break. I have at least kept my word for about 10 words... See you tomorrow and as always:
Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Call me Part II
House Party:
So your pick
lick yours or mine
aint nothing but space and opportunity
you're beauty sublime
like sunshine in the winter time
no line baby
real talk,
say we...
get a little growner than we are
take a little trip to the car
bed
arms
legs over your head
I love talking but lets walk instead
said she "got a man"...
I say I got beer got beer goggles and a condom
whats the problem, ma'am
"well...I never" she replied
and you never will again keep acting siddified
just let it ride
Baby, and go, go
you know you want it
lets go, go
Oh...hands on her hips, head to the side
eyes rolling
Im going
"i knew I should've lied with tired cliche"
lets replay
I'm Bruce E. way past tipsy
Pardon me
she said "whatever
you cute and clever
plus my man aint got it together
I down for head or better"
but as fast as she spoke those words forbidden
she looked down at my crotch
and said "Naaaahhh...just kidding"
Damn!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Laconic Levity 9/10/2008
Its the tenth of the month! Have YOU paid your rent yet?
Oh, you own a home, uh-huh...You think you better than us or something!!! Ok so I've used that same gimmick for the mouse thing in the first post...Cut a brother a break(i mean, if you clicked on some banner ads...you know if you want to, but only then, a brother could quit his full time job and get right on the Arcanum(btw, its R-CAY-NUM just like it sounds)...
hold up I just felt my sideburns and they are mad uneven(hey, we in a damn recession. You think the kid got dough for haircuts!!!) so ima touch em up and finish this one on mon-yah-nah....
Bruce Eagle the cost-effective barber. Peace!!!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Call me Part I
Bar Scene
So, your pick:
My floors or yours
Outdoors on the balcony, all fours
and no I won't think you're a whore
Thats off topic
Take another sip o' tonic
"Need another drink for her!"
Ill make reality and dreams blur
she thought about it,
Laughed and purred Bruce the conqueror
She had a wrap color ochre over her,
but you can't hide those pretty brown rounds
so my eyes slipped dooowwwwwnnn
She said "OK eyes up here now"
I'm Apologetic,
but to my credit, I'm an assthetic:
see the booty in all things
nah'mean
and like me
she looking to dip
So a little more spit
and we headed to the exit
then the bitch blocks it
Its the best friend, mother hen
saying 'your too bent
we not going th'ough THAT again
say goodbye to him'
Ladies and gents
thats cock-blocking at its finest
Timeless, old as rhyme is...DAMN!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Loquacious Levity 8-22-2008
Man its been a min right? How have you been? Word? That’s what’s up. I’ve been cool. No, no…you didn’t have to get me anything for the six month-aversary. Just your love is enough. So with out further preamble, let us add to the already super-sized nuggets of inanity, shall we…
Let me start with a few questions:Given that you are advertising 100% white meat and beef now, McDonald’s, just what the hell have you been feeding us the past 60 or so years...actually nevermind...
Hey, now that the levees burst in Iowa earlier this summer, let me ask just who in the hell built our levees? Al Qaeda? Ok, so New Orleans was an accident (that’s a bit glib but roll with it...) but now why haven’t we reinforced them...and if we have, why didn’t we do a better job...Jeeeeezzzuusss. After Katrina, the amount of water it takes to break a levee should make even Noah say damn...but hey, 500 billy in Iraq...When is that third knock coming, again...But it aint even about that today...well not really.
YOOOOOOO....ARE YOU SHITTING ME...are we really questioning Obama's patriotism? How patriotic is it to lie to your constituency(I know us liberals have been railing about the lies told before the Iraq war for a min now, but fuck...how do you not get impeached for that?), how patriotic is it to get rich off the toil of the American people while they starve, how patriotic is it to watch the nation you are supposed to be leading crumbling at the seams and doing nothing about it...I say we have had unpatriotic muthas for the past 8 years...
And besides no one has ever questioned a candidate's patriotism before. Even the ones that skipped out on the draft. Why are we so alert now? Is it b/c Obama is half black? What you think there is some kind of genetic bitterness against this nation instilled in black folk?
Come on now, Really?
Ok there probably is a scintilla, minute, itsy-bitsy innate in us but still it ain't right...Polygamy??? Why in the hell would you want more wives...you know other than for the obvious reasons...but even THAT is gonna get old eventually and then you just have 6 or 7 biddies around the crib...nice...real nice…
First Carlin and then Bozo...What the hell? Maybe Death really comes in threes...I would watch my back if I were you Will Ferrell you are just too damn funny for this world...
A friend of mine said the nastiest thing I've ever heard the other day. She asked was my mom going through menopause or does she still have periods. First off, why in the hell would I know that? What I'm going to be like "So ma, got those hot flashes yet." Second, seriously what the hell...and Third, my mom is not a woman. SHE'S A MOM! I mean she stopped being a woman when I ruined her figure. She's not a woman. She doesn't have a libido. She doesn't even have a...a...i cant even say it. I repeat: She's a mom dammit...end of discussion.
But this brings up a point though. Men, don't see their moms as women. I've heard women ask would you talk to your momma like that...the reply is always, whether said or unsaid, "you ain't my momma." When you really think about it, before you buy that hooker, boss around your woman or even hit them, if a man thought "would I want some one doing that to my mom?", a lot of the bullshite we pull would not happen. But alas, mothers are not women, they are moms...Oh and I hate to have a double standard here but uh-ra...when you pass another human being through your orifice...you may wanna think about toning down the style of dress a bit. I mean those tights hug your hips and that top makes your boobies look delightful; however, that stroller ain’t sexy at all...sorry. Again, you are a mom...I dont mean you have to dress like a 55 year old english teacher, but you might wanna leave H&M to the Miley Cyrus-es. I hear Ann Taylor has a nice selection...Not to say there aren’t sexy moms still...Halle por ejemplo, be it MILF would be just someone mispelling milk....
Alrighty, I have officially moved back to NC(Land of fried fat and faded smiles...that's word to Nabokov for that one). By the way, if you are ever thinking of moving, don’t. Just don’t. I moved in with your friend and mine, the guy whose name means receiver of superfluous apostrophes in Celtic, commissioner of RPW, Scoe-says-he Jenkins (not his real name, but sounds good). I ain't gonna lie to ya...its gonna be weird living with a guy after staying with a girl...for the obvious reasons…Know what I am not going to miss? My damn toilet paper expenditure...jeeebusss...Do y'all have to use it every time? You just cant shake it off like we do? Every damn week and a half...i mean a lot of it goes towards wiping off the toilet, but that's besides the point. Nothing says I love you like a "gold plated" toilet seat cover...
Hey, I look at the WE network a lot (Ladies and gentlemen, its bruce eagle the seahorse). Just going solely off the WE line-up, do women only care about brides and babies?
But I guess you could say the same thing about BET... Just going solely off the videos, do all black men like big butts and scantily clad women gyrating? Of course not...Some black men are gay.
Tell me this. With about 7 billion people on this earth, why do you need something like E-harmony to meet people. This world is full of 'em. Just start talking...
SO SHOOT ME...I like that Viva La Vida by coldplay. Its got heavy rotation on the Ipod. Its a blatant U2 ripoff but still. I see it as a portrait of the evanescence of fame("One minute I held the key. Next the walls were closed on me") and its corrupting influence("It was a wicked and wild wind blew down the doors to let me in" and "People couldn't believe what I have done"). It also brings it back home. Martin is singing "for some reason I can't explain, I know St. Peter will call my name." He saying I may have changed and done some wicked things, but it was the fame, baby! "It wasn't me Pete. It was the fame Godd..oh I mean dammit" I know that's the story I am going with. Now I just have to get famous...Go on tell ya friends dammit. I need to blame some of this stuff on the fame..I am not even going to lie to you...I still don’t understand what the hell that cross-section of a woman’s anatomy they showed us in Sex Ed is. What in the hell were they trying to show. It looks like a rotten eggplant, but I guess that would explain a lot in the bedroom...
Breaking News: IRREGARDLESS is not a freaking word!!!! for the obvious reasons...The phrase "gives 110%" irks the hell out of me...first off you can't have over 100% unless you are comparing something. 100% is whole when talking output and lets be feasible here, even if it were possible, no one would do it...lets break this down shall we:
10% off the bat just goes to bathroom and smoke breaks, for the obvious reasons. I ain’t met a brother alive(I guess that's redundant, he would have to be alive to urinate…that pretty much a pre-req..) that can go 8 hrs without peeing…that’s real talk. And there damn sure ain’t no smoker gonna go 8 hrs without a CI…at least without strangling someone…
5% goes to small talk with muthas that a wouldn’t be interesting to a hungry dog if they smelled like snausages…You know the drill…”Oh man that story about you painting your garage was enthralling. I can’t wait to hear the sequel about wallpapering your bathroom…Its gonna be like “Harry Potter”…Nigga, please!!!
5% is getting the runaround from the lazy muthas you work with…”Oh that’s not my job go see so and so…” You get to so and so’s desk and its “Oh he was wrong I do this(in essence, jack shit) go see what’s her face in accounting”…and it goes on and on…
With that above 20% happening in every office everywhere since the beginning of time, how in the hell can you possible give 110%. Its not really a big deal it just represents that empty business rhetoric so many are found of…
Man…I am already at 15 hundred words…Ok time to wrap this baby up. I’ll end it by saying thanks for coming back even though its been a min since the last post. You make the Exchange part of EE possible…For newcomers: what in the hell took you so long to get here? We have been waiting for you…bone up in the archives and join the fun…
Bruce Eagle the full metal…It’s good to be back for the most obvious of reasons!!!
Friday, July 11, 2008
So this is what counts for a post these days...
imaging im a meteor flying out through the distant space(space)
How this tiny speck called earth destroy tomorrow
so capable of so many things...
...
but I believe
that when you lose your route
just use the sunlight
It can be your guide
No more political dreams
Not another excuse
dont need another love song
we need a LOVE need a LOVE bomb
TO JUST BLOW US AWAY...
Bruce Eagle the full metal. 'Nuff Said!!!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Talking that Blog Smiggidy...
because sometimes you gotta let nuccas know:I got so many sentences Kotex can't keep up with the periods...
My thoughts cut diamonds...
Reading your blog is like watching paraplegic turtles race...
Your mama loves my sh*t...
Maybe if you practice, you could work your way up to moron...
Your blog makes Marlee Matlin wish she was blind and helen keller glad to be so...
Stephen Hawking wants me to ghostwrite his next book...
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6eIJZfAvU_b9RLoH3MFa1umBcnRZP6VfW7Ijw_wHUhdVlY-bISuunHKwZoiZ1swyEEyvz2-jYL0dcuYMvzfI2lKIlsEkQt9LMwzEuYmgA0TSoCKatqsXCouVtYCd0X16mbrtpDF1Fr-w/s200/fullmetal.jpg)
Jim Abbott types better than you with one hand tied behind his back...
Corky from Life Goes On called...he wants his blog back...
Google googles me...
You ain't worth the copper ya two cents were stamped on...
I've seen coked up squirrels string thoughts together better than you...
Your blog is like a Eunuch; something is just missing...
You couldn't touch my paragraphs if they were a slutty prom date...
My blog took a dump in your blog's house and left it...
You think salient is some kind of ointment...
That white stuff the gets in the corners of people's mouth has more flavor than you...
Your words secretly sneak over to my blog late at night...they love my sh*t...
Monday, June 23, 2008
"When will Jesus bring the porkchops...?"-George Carlin
Since he's jewish, probably never...That's just an example of the way George Carlin made us look our foibles and hypocricies. He played with the language. He showed us that when you do something for the sake of apperances (like saying "how are you" but not sticking around for the answer) it will always come off hollow and pedantic. Since he would probably balk at the concept of eulogies, i'll keep this short:
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Gonna party like....
Cliched phrase aside, Yep today's my b-day. I have made it another spin around our yellow ball of gas... and since I really didn't have anything to do with it,
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
This one's for the Commish...
In the last post, I used my friend Scoe, commissioner of Phoenix Rising Wrestling, as a contrast to my reverse jinx of Obama's bid for presidency. Turns out I didn't get it right. So with all due respect to the commissioner, here's his rebuttal. Wow, my first official retraction. I feel like such a journalist.
Commissioner of RPW said...
I dont have a conspiracy theory. That's not what I was saying at all. You ever heard the term "lame duck." This is usually used to describe people in power who have very little power in reality. Without a substantial amount of backing from his fellow politicians, Mr. Obama will be a lame duck president. If that were to occur, which is not outside the realm of possibility, what would happen to the legions of Blacks and other minorities who have got it in their minds that we are on the verge of a "second coming." People are believing that this is the time for the meek to inherit the earth. However, if the shephard is corraled like his flock, who can he save?
BruceEagle the the full metal. Peace!!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Obama: Mama We made it...
Well, not quite. We still have to get the brother elected. But, congrats on the nomination nonetheless(i must admit when i saw him and McCain sitting at that table on CNN...i got a little hype)
I am pessimistic as well. However, I don't think the brother will even get elected. Not to be outdone by my surrogate brother, I have a "they" driving my theory too. My "they" is an amalgamation of stand alone complexes(i.e. individuals) bound only by their irrational hatred of all brown people(blacks, mexicans, muslims, sugar bear, etc) that will unwittingly bring them together. I envision an increased amount of felonious charges brought against minorities(remember felons can't vote), confusing ballots in areas with a high percentage of elderly people, and the rezoning of districts to invalidate voter registrations(in essence gerrymandering...illegal but not impossible). I repeat, I just don't see it. However, for now I rejoice because:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilIbGdVWJqyYY5L8R9CpJap3M0A-vqwhfju3ylP00mnY12cMtB2npu_DOs9Nj4XBf0oFTrPuP0uALQyfhQRksO_IV-zleGoebVp1iroeTo04VMudUX8T8k6XCJkPt12Z9XGC4V1LLD_sw/s320/Obama.jpg)
So congrats again, Obama. I am pulling for you. And, lets hope Scoe and I are both wrong...
Bruce Eagle the Reverse Jinxer. Wink!!!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Loquacious Levity-5/22/2008
I love Sci-fi almost as I love music and copious amounts of peanut M&M’s. And just to day, “not a minute b/f you blew a hole in the door” (sorry couldn’t resist the Kill Bill quote), I just came to the realization (you may have long done so) that time travel is impossible. *Sigh*. It came on the epiphany that time is not tangible. Time is just a word we invented to measure the length of periods of somethingness (yep, I wrote it.) book-ended by periods of nothingness. You can’t touch it. It is, in essence, abstact. How can you travel to something abstract?
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuY-6e1_1hpgHAMrOXv__6fESD5JWgmQhEJVRaREoXx-tjVK33IQZTdnGSzPwPhiaR4pkII7DrbfqlQCmp_fqoQbtqxSi79Jy6ihBZ44arpjT5ifgD6XPRQr4TSZhMTuYP6LxviEMyyqw/s320/LMH.jpg)
Aren’t we just a little embarrassed by all these erectile dysfunction commercials? I mean, if it means I gotta wait around for some pill to kick in so that I could have relations with my old lady, maybe making it past 45 aint so hot?
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRrVq8vF3-kDviMqz_p30A8gVJGpG-gm-EcZVuEvVq8C1AP6tq5ngl3V1E4fy1ZJQgke5018RAaVuesrSbDhBQJUnPP7KXdyicVKh0cpGjzhDOhtT_Q7ZpdHslBuQp6M6tqUV2Sh_us4Q/s320/wwii+poster.jpg)
It’s a paradox that with all the increase in quality of life technology has given us, it will most likely be the end of us. I am pretty sure cell phones cause cancer and even if they don’t, scientists say that the cell phone wireless waves are screwing with the bees. They can’t stand it. Think about it. Seen a bee lately? I don’t think we are going to create artificial intelligence that could overrun the human race a la T2 or Matrix (I don’t think we are smart enough to create something smarter than us or at least too narcissistic). No, that won’t be the end. If its not the extinction of bees thereby bringing an end to flowers subsequently killing our dwindling food supply, consequently ending us, it’ll probably be the fact that we are losing our intelligence as a species, dumbed down by all the niceties.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfCtucONXj_t7Y8NFa_05_e0HmizpF2U98qKv5TRr15fsRnSEu_yw0q5254pdcMjgUNOnSLDmsrGzA04M7I8ufU5nPXEkqA-AzDC55JDN76AzotKVHWynCiOo_OTYCS5nzhdgISjDFDH0/s320/NRA2.jpg)
Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
God, you know I just be saying that to get you mad…
Seriously, though. If you count gunfire as fire, then well, it may not be too far off. Bigger, better weapons. Technology: aint it grand.
"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal." – the soon to be former chief executive explaining why he has given up golf until the Iraq war is over(big up Jim Caple, ESPN for the quote.)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7JVxtrOqAAWm0I0TCjpuzQPOByi4PGAlkTGjLTkiF-Ez_S8FPqSuR3eSFhYydHk2yeYBCE8-bWV7weWAUkyuM2anz0CwVBA1eNNp729iRdUg9ZQldmEV0ANWfd8z1t64Ria-Yl1M9rn8/s320/cook.jpg)
I just found out that my Mans “Michael” from “The Wire” is going to be on 90210(good looks to one Mr. Bill Simmons for that tidbit, ok so I went to ESPN.com today!)…Damn Mike…I thought having your stepdad killed was bad…
Hey, my friend scoe, writer, editor and senior wrestling analyst for Phoenix rising wrestling blog, coined a new term for a certain type of rap. Its called Swag Rap. Its when the rapper aint really saying nothing hot but the way he presents him/herself just carries the song. Like Jeezy, I don’t think the man has ever made a clever simile, but he’s just hot for some reason. It’s the swag talking. It’s really a talent to implant your hubris onto a track to make it tangible. On that note…
Ok, Ok: Top five swag rappers (this is no way supercedes the top five MC’s listed in the second post. Nooooo. No way in hell)
5. Rick Ross-I just don’t know how to classify this man as anything other than swag rapper. That new cut he has with T. Pain is hot but I just don’t know why (can say that about a lot of T. Pain tracks.)
4. Fabolous-He staddles the line of punchline/swag rapper. If fab never made any albums but kept his mixtape game up, he would undoubtedly make my top ten rappers( or at least garner an honorable mention). He is a monster on mixtapes(that triangle offense with him, cain and buddens way back: da shite!!!) but since he cant really make a consistent album but always finds a way to make some bangers, he makes this list. That and the fact he caused a whole generation of hip-hop heads to spell fabulous wrong for the rest of their lives…
3. Jeezy- he was the reason for this whole countdown. So yeah.
2. Ludacris-I don’t think he has ever made a song I liked as far as lyrical content (now features on the other hand are monstrous and runaway love was poignant, kinda), but this man has just got hits, his bravado is palpable on every track. It can’t be any reason other than he is one of the illest swag rappers out there…and finally…
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVPd39qrfHs_rw1xWXjEjBT0FRBPq3ZNfvj-zlgJQzdQ1I22ZKd75QB9yXPrrgKC3aDA2OgIapgIP5PzVWXKsXesS3bzu-Y6TA2sTgtirdPKW56l1JjONIGGXmapLZhvybGeAMAi1ThIE/s320/slick.jpg)
1. Slick Rick and Big Daddy Kane-Now, rick and kane are beasts don’t get me wrong. Rick is one of the best hip-hop griots ever (btw, the spell check in Word doesn’t recognize Griot. Its spelling suggestion? Grits! Artificial intelligence, my arse!) and Kane revolutionized rap flow and cadence, but when you talk swag rap, the essence of just getting on the mic and talking that smiggidy, these two gentlemen invented and perfected it. On many a rappers best day, they are just doing an impersonation of Kane on his worst. Many rappers telling a story are just doing a Children’s Story remix. Gotta give it up. This will probably be the number one spot indefinitely. That is until Jay-Z’s kid is born…
I think I am going to be the first swag blogger…given there is no real content on this site, yet its rather hot...on that note(last one, I promise):
Friday, May 16, 2008
Versus: Not giving a S**t vs. Not giving a F**K
Oh, btw going to tone down the cursing a bit. My moms got a load of the site and said it was "raunchy." Given Ima mama's boy through and through, gotta keep it to a min. for momma that is until I feel like dropping an F-BOMB...but for now its cool...
Now, we try to keep your word game up here at EE so let's start this "versus" series off right with differentiating between not giving a s**t and not giving a f**K. I hear people use both of these terms interchangeably. This is a fallacy, my friends. Both of these term connote a certain level of disinterest in a certain situation, topic, etc., but not giving a f**k is much more severe than not giving a s**t. For instance:
-If you see a guy throw his cup out of his car window when he is finished with his coffee...that's not giving a s**t
-If you see that same guy take a dump out of his car window when his coffee is finished with him...well then that's not giving a f**k
-If you see a dude on the street curse out a some sassy-lipped kid...that's not giving a s**t
-If you see that same dude slap the fire out of that kid...well then that's not giving a f**k
-If you wear a dirty shirt...that's not giving a s**t
-If you wear dirty underwear...well then that's not giving a f**k(seriously, i know cats who would put on dirty underwear...dude your arse stinks...what you think it smells like roses everyday? Either wash your damn draws...or free-ball...geesh!)
-If you hear about your boy screwing the ugliest, sluttiest chick in town...that's not giving a s**t
-If you hear about your boy screwing the ugliest, sluttiest chick in town with no rubber...well, then that's not giving a f**k(literally it is, but you know...)
-If you are drunk and you step to some scrawny dude at the bar...that's not giving a s**t
-If you are drunk and you step to the bouncer with out actually being one yourself...well then that's not giving a f**k
-If you take a two-hour lunch break...that's not giving a s**t
-If you just don't come back after lunch...well then that's not giving a f**k
-If your little sister listens in or your phone call after you tell her not to...that's not giving a s**t
-If your presidential administration listens in on your phone call without asking you...well then that's not giving a f**k
-If you are a mediocre player who risked using steroids just to make it to the big leagues...that's not giving a s**t
-If you are a superstar player who risked using steroids to prolong an already HOF career, sold out a good friend, sued said friend, had trysts with under aged girls and STILL lied to a federal grand jury...well then Mr. Clemens its quite obvious you don't give a f**k
Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
You can quote me on that...Life imitates Art Edition
Art often imitates life because what better muse is there than the pain and prosper that is life itself? What is disheartening and inspiring is that authors from about 25 years ago up to hundreds of years past still prophetically speak to the ills and joys of life as it relates to today. Does this represent past authors pinpointing some fundamental predisposition inherent in all humans, those to come and those present? Maybe. Does it mean that no matter what has happened, how many items have been destroyed, how much carnage is amassed that humans are forever fated to continually make the same mistakes? Probably. But, when we finally destroy ourselves(i hope I'm looking down, not looking on) I truly hope that the quotes and contexts shown below, as well as many other nuggets of wisdom from authors past, survive as our epitaph so when that amoeba decides to evolve and start this whole process over again, man will look back at the legacy from today and heed our inadvertent warning. But, alas probably not...
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0CetCBtz9Efynghd5I-5-OD6K3tZCvhM2PpDmRPsZjXJq5u-pckbO5T_a3QwCmk412OnxE4u1gzRdl8dhdITDHek_LXnUoA0n26Nw4KSiYBuyAxWO1x9ExHTiBOt58XgzgTusxZxYcE/s320/miltonv2.jpg)
-John Milton "Paradise Lost"-1667( the gas crunch, the cries for moral legislation, the rampant drug use. Hey, just because you call yours Prozac and a junkie calls his LSD doesn't make you two any different. Remind you of the seventies? We just love to repeat history, don't we? On that note...)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHuDi4TSaVvqF4-4hjhDS6wyrN5SqM5wbvNdywl7UoNOf0P-G_11tGRtEIdP6U2xPrl6AC3jKPhDOkQh_N94__Vn4nBOaI0VjBbOBRU_aaxZBZVbYmYQdtFFpY28v22HF3jTDWBOLZIiE/s320/vietnamv2.jpg)
-Kurt Vonnegut "Hocus Pocus"-1990(OK, so this isn't exactly "25 years ago up to hundreds of years past" but I thought it was a perfect example of history repeating itself. This was written before the first Gulf war and the New Millennium Equivalent to Vietnam and was probably meant to warn against the mindset that led to and perpetuated the Vietnam war. However, like the loading dock scene in the movie “The Mist”, no one listens to the Artist.)
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnjFNq9n1uJ_ONHjp6TXscRXxl4PoP0iXIoGVYPHED6RG9flOrmYD_WO0MDU_C-z_VbNH3_oglwUflheahmcaY19LSoUqjLQ7U_IgLSN-FBnvF5PXUOe6jZ0Yl9bQb1ZFElCoYM22x33c/s320/orwell.jpg)
"It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing"
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXqnBoI3S-gLK1kSjBqABoDxD6soF8Ja5VtjNB4-NMEtEGJkKV1zEvDTAFAY16bvcUuReEYTXg9dTDcEQJS6K8QBtBjl5cROaN9rY-WanQfbaamrLhvtKdgSLtvFKvZeylvaT0hfPlYTw/s200/nothing.jpg)
"...That is [the] premise This story will draw a conclusion from it and show at the same time that the premise is incorrect. That will be a new thing in logic."
-O. Henry "A Service of Love"-1912(A nice one for the whole "War for Oil" sentiment some seem to have. This premise tells us that if we go to War in Iraq, recipient, by genetic and logistic fortuity, of 1/5 of the world's oil reserve, we will ease the price of gas, oil's derivative. Now, that is our premise: acquisition of commodity by force. The conclusion: No one will win this war. It is evil and strains resources that could be put to better use. Using myriad vital resources to acquire one. Uh-huh. However, you and I know gas prices are 4 bones per gallon now( I like the correlation with “4 bones” and a fossil fuel). I started driving almost ten years ago between the first Gulf conflict and the present one. Gas was 99 cents. But, this war's going to keep gas affordable. Uh-huh. Guess that's that "new thing in logic")
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIFPSmkc9Rm6h-FbuOyg3LgIAVQ3z-3fitPomForujFK-yQrq5xpp-xvQA5-BdhiJvTxcL1vi9BNNssufOSMxzLLlq6F0wP8oLtuRY2r_hCt0wqZ_O0UjdFCo5rxG6o-X4qVLhzLtd77Y/s320/Dubois.jpg)
"O wonder!
Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!