Loquacious Levity 8-22-2008

Man its been a min right? How have you been? Word? That’s what’s up. I’ve been cool. No, no…you didn’t have to get me anything for the six month-aversary. Just your love is enough. So with out further preamble, let us add to the already super-sized nuggets of inanity, shall we…

Let me start with a few questions:Given that you are advertising 100% white meat and beef now, McDonald’s, just what the hell have you been feeding us the past 60 or so years...actually nevermind...

Hey, now that the levees burst in Iowa earlier this summer, let me ask just who in the hell built our levees? Al Qaeda? Ok, so New Orleans was an accident (that’s a bit glib but roll with it...) but now why haven’t we reinforced them...and if we have, why didn’t we do a better job...Jeeeeezzzuusss. After Katrina, the amount of water it takes to break a levee should make even Noah say damn...but hey, 500 billy in Iraq...When is that third knock coming, again...But it aint even about that today...well not really.

YOOOOOOO....ARE YOU SHITTING ME...are we really questioning Obama's patriotism? How patriotic is it to lie to your constituency(I know us liberals have been railing about the lies told before the Iraq war for a min now, but fuck...how do you not get impeached for that?), how patriotic is it to get rich off the toil of the American people while they starve, how patriotic is it to watch the nation you are supposed to be leading crumbling at the seams and doing nothing about it...I say we have had unpatriotic muthas for the past 8 years...

And besides no one has ever questioned a candidate's patriotism before. Even the ones that skipped out on the draft. Why are we so alert now? Is it b/c Obama is half black? What you think there is some kind of genetic bitterness against this nation instilled in black folk?

Come on now, Really?

Ok there probably is a scintilla, minute, itsy-bitsy innate in us but still it ain't right...

Polygamy??? Why in the hell would you want more wives...you know other than for the obvious reasons...but even THAT is gonna get old eventually and then you just have 6 or 7 biddies around the crib...nice...real nice…

First Carlin and then Bozo...What the hell? Maybe Death really comes in threes...I would watch my back if I were you Will Ferrell you are just too damn funny for this world...

A friend of mine said the nastiest thing I've ever heard the other day. She asked was my mom going through menopause or does she still have periods. First off, why in the hell would I know that? What I'm going to be like "So ma, got those hot flashes yet." Second, seriously what the hell...and Third, my mom is not a woman. SHE'S A MOM! I mean she stopped being a woman when I ruined her figure. She's not a woman. She doesn't have a libido. She doesn't even have a...a...i cant even say it. I repeat: She's a mom dammit...end of discussion.

But this brings up a point though. Men, don't see their moms as women. I've heard women ask would you talk to your momma like that...the reply is always, whether said or unsaid, "you ain't my momma." When you really think about it, before you buy that hooker, boss around your woman or even hit them, if a man thought "would I want some one doing that to my mom?", a lot of the bullshite we pull would not happen. But alas, mothers are not women, they are moms...


Oh and I hate to have a double standard here but uh-ra...when you pass another human being through your orifice...you may wanna think about toning down the style of dress a bit. I mean those tights hug your hips and that top makes your boobies look delightful; however, that stroller ain’t sexy at all...sorry. Again, you are a mom...I dont mean you have to dress like a 55 year old english teacher, but you might wanna leave H&M to the Miley Cyrus-es. I hear Ann Taylor has a nice selection...Not to say there aren’t sexy moms still...Halle por ejemplo, be it MILF would be just someone mispelling milk....

Alrighty, I have officially moved back to NC(Land of fried fat and faded smiles...that's word to Nabokov for that one). By the way, if you are ever thinking of moving, don’t. Just don’t. I moved in with your friend and mine, the guy whose name means receiver of superfluous apostrophes in Celtic, commissioner of RPW, Scoe-says-he Jenkins (not his real name, but sounds good). I ain't gonna lie to ya...its gonna be weird living with a guy after staying with a girl...for the obvious reasons…

Know what I am not going to miss? My damn toilet paper expenditure...jeeebusss...Do y'all have to use it every time? You just cant shake it off like we do? Every damn week and a half...i mean a lot of it goes towards wiping off the toilet, but that's besides the point. Nothing says I love you like a "gold plated" toilet seat cover...

Hey, I look at the WE network a lot (Ladies and gentlemen, its bruce eagle the seahorse). Just going solely off the WE line-up, do women only care about brides and babies?

But I guess you could say the same thing about BET... Just going solely off the videos, do all black men like big butts and scantily clad women gyrating? Of course not...Some black men are gay.

Tell me this. With about 7 billion people on this earth, why do you need something like E-harmony to meet people. This world is full of 'em. Just start talking...

SO SHOOT ME...I like that Viva La Vida by coldplay. Its got heavy rotation on the Ipod. Its a blatant U2 ripoff but still. I see it as a portrait of the evanescence of fame("One minute I held the key. Next the walls were closed on me") and its corrupting influence("It was a wicked and wild wind blew down the doors to let me in" and "People couldn't believe what I have done"). It also brings it back home. Martin is singing "for some reason I can't explain, I know St. Peter will call my name." He saying I may have changed and done some wicked things, but it was the fame, baby! "It wasn't me Pete. It was the fame Godd..oh I mean dammit" I know that's the story I am going with. Now I just have to get famous...Go on tell ya friends dammit. I need to blame some of this stuff on the fame..

I am not even going to lie to you...I still don’t understand what the hell that cross-section of a woman’s anatomy they showed us in Sex Ed is. What in the hell were they trying to show. It looks like a rotten eggplant, but I guess that would explain a lot in the bedroom...

Breaking News: IRREGARDLESS is not a freaking word!!!! for the obvious reasons...

The phrase "gives 110%" irks the hell out of me...first off you can't have over 100% unless you are comparing something. 100% is whole when talking output and lets be feasible here, even if it were possible, no one would do it...lets break this down shall we:

10% off the bat just goes to bathroom and smoke breaks, for the obvious reasons. I ain’t met a brother alive(I guess that's redundant, he would have to be alive to urinate…that pretty much a pre-req..) that can go 8 hrs without peeing…that’s real talk. And there damn sure ain’t no smoker gonna go 8 hrs without a CI…at least without strangling someone…

5% goes to small talk with muthas that a wouldn’t be interesting to a hungry dog if they smelled like snausages…You know the drill…”Oh man that story about you painting your garage was enthralling. I can’t wait to hear the sequel about wallpapering your bathroom…Its gonna be like “Harry Potter”…Nigga, please!!!

5% is getting the runaround from the lazy muthas you work with…”Oh that’s not my job go see so and so…” You get to so and so’s desk and its “Oh he was wrong I do this(in essence, jack shit) go see what’s her face in accounting”…and it goes on and on…

With that above 20% happening in every office everywhere since the beginning of time, how in the hell can you possible give 110%. Its not really a big deal it just represents that empty business rhetoric so many are found of…

Man…I am already at 15 hundred words…Ok time to wrap this baby up. I’ll end it by saying thanks for coming back even though its been a min since the last post. You make the Exchange part of EE possible…For newcomers: what in the hell took you so long to get here? We have been waiting for you…bone up in the archives and join the fun…

Bruce Eagle the full metal…It’s good to be back for the most obvious of reasons!!!