Loquacious Levity 3-28-2008

I am sorry, but joking on lame duck presidents just never made sense to me. He doesn't give a crap since he can't be re-elected. Why should we?

Of course, this excludes vice-presidents. Their station is just too funny NOT to joke on...You are essentially a Personal Assistant to the president and a trophy wife to congress. However, it's nice pay for what you are being asked to do...Its kinda like being an NFL kicker. Not much athleticism(or in this case intelligence) needed. Not much effort needed for the pay you receive. BUT, and this is a rather large one, you may get called in, on very short notice, to perform presidential duties and expected to make the best of a terrible situation. Unlike kickers and their last second heroics/bungles, there's not much in the way of assassination-based appointments 'round here lately so not much to worry about Dicky C. Enjoy your last gasps though (i am pretty sure you have so far)...

Hey, isn't a term like douchebag kinda obsolete now? Douches don't have bags anymore or at least i don't think they do...With all the innovations in menstrual accessories, I'm sure a few advancements in douchery have occurred...Yeah, definitely...So, we are going with: He is such a douche-container with aromatic desiccates...nah lets try...He is such a douche pouch with Flumex draining technology...nah, just doesn't have that ba-zing. Obsolete or not "douchebag" just has the right ring to it...ah, well we try to innovate her at EE, but this one's a keeper.

The best part about March Madness so far: getting an appropriate outlet to say the name Longar Longar. I love this name. It just has an alliterative acuity to it, nah'mean...For instance, I get to say that Longar Longar is a center for the OOOOOOOOHKLAHOMA Sooners. Moreover, Longar Longar scored only 2 pts in the recent Sooner Drubbing at the hands of the Louisville Wildcats. Consequently, Longar Longar and his classmates will have to go back OOOOOOOHHHklahoma where the corn is about as high as Longar Longar's left eye...

It really is liberating to write whatever the hell you want when you want...you should try it...

Why is it that it seems all foreign names mean something else? Like Humbaba means blessed giver of epidural to Virgin Mary in Wompeter...Hey, you think you foreigners are so special with your fancy pants names? Everyone's name means something in some language somewhere. Americans are just not pretentious enough to go around telling everyone...Actually, we are pretentious enough to do it we just don’t have the time. For instance, Alvin means noble friend in dutch...Ra'shawd(my best friend's name and author of rising phoenix sports blog. Can you say shameless cross promotion, kids?) means receiver of superfluous apostrophes in Celtic...See we do have meanings...

Whoever it was that broke keisha(i know its spelled wrong but damn it i am taking a stand against weirdly spelled names) cole's heart really did a number on her...She is always singing about heartbreak. For Christ Sake's, she was even talking break-up/heartbreak on that club track with missy elliot. How you gonna talk that on a club track? Did you ever think keisha some of the blame has to be yours? Its quite obvious that you are dating jerks...Why don't you come on 'round to...ah, there i go again hitting on celebs...anyway, i hope it all works our for you, keesh.

How in the hell is it that chickens aren't extinct? We eat their bodies and to top it off, we eat their offspring. How in the hell are there still chickens left. I don't get this at all...

You notice 'round here lately that the number of people a "study" has to have to be legitimate is decreasing? For example, I saw some study about cancer. I don't remember too many specifics, but lets say for the sake of argument that it said "reacharounds" go a long way toward preventing colon cancer...Now, this study only sampled like 150 people? What kind of representative sample is that? On that note, notice that the length of study is also decreasing as well...No, more 1-2 year studies...Get about 50 ppl, take about a month, and boom you get "a snot rocket to the eye socket once a day cures glaucoma." This is probably why the side effects portion of drug TV advertisements is longer than the actual commercial. Not taking enough time to test and reconfigure...

Am I the only one that notices when you are goofing off at work that this is the time when the most people wanna walk past your desk?

Ok...Ok...Sections of the Population with the highest percentage composition of people who just don’t give a shit:

1. Reality Show contestants 99% of respective population- I cant really blame these guys. You mean someone will pay me 500K to watch me ruin my life with a lie detector test…I can lose all these pounds and possibly be famous for it…I get to live in an exotic place where I can walk around half naked and the natives have few sexual taboos…Shoot, why not? Hey, I won’t blame reality show guys fully. The opportunity to be famous is tempting indeed. But, honestly, I just cant put myself through that kind of scrutiny to be famous. Writing a blog that no one reads is as far as Ima take it…

2. DMV workers-92% of respective population. Word. Its like that, huh? Look me in my eye and just sit there? Really?... This is the only place Ive ever seen where people don’t care about looking like they are working or at least acting like they’re trying their best to serve you. You see dudes eating their lunch, talking on the phone, filing their nails all while a line the size of king kong’s intestinal tract is quietly snaking around the building and into the next area code…Come on now…

3 The Elderly-89% of respective population. Man, old people really don’t give a shit...well ill say if they don't know you...Grammies are always the nicest in the family, but don't let her get in that post office line...she will just walk past everyone...really, grammy? That’s what’s hot in the street? An old man will walk right through you. Oh and don't let them get behind the wheel of a car. I kinda feel em though. If I made it that far in life, I’d be like “f-em” too...

4. State Troopers-82% of respective population. This is actually good in the grand scheme of things. But, You get pulled over by a state trooper? Its a wrap. Some of them may let you go sometimes…maybe just maybe…if Jupiter is aligned just right with Mars, but most times you will run into the super trooper that don't give a shit about where you gotta go or who you gotta see. You better have a bleeding body in the back seat(not of own your doing, of course ) like Harvey Keitel in “Reservoir Dogs” or you are getting that ticket. Oh, in Virginia that percentage goes up to 100%. VA troopers don’t play…again it’s a good thing but still…

5. Niggas-80% of the respective population. I will quote Sam Jackson from “The Boondocks” on this one: “I don’t mean nigga in the racial sense. I mean it as a general description for ignorant mutha…” Yeah, niggas don’t give a shit…it would be 100% but I realize some cats do niggerish things out of circumstance…Like that guy who starts pushing you out side the bar…you COULD walk away, but this douche-container with aromatic desiccates(nah still don’t work) is sorely in need of a hearty AW…I feel you…so ima bump this down to 80%, but just know if you see a nigga of any race, just assume that mutha don’t give a shit and walk away. Don’t risk it…

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!