Loquacious Levity 8-22-2008

Man its been a min right? How have you been? Word? That’s what’s up. I’ve been cool. No, no…you didn’t have to get me anything for the six month-aversary. Just your love is enough. So with out further preamble, let us add to the already super-sized nuggets of inanity, shall we…

Let me start with a few questions:Given that you are advertising 100% white meat and beef now, McDonald’s, just what the hell have you been feeding us the past 60 or so years...actually nevermind...

Hey, now that the levees burst in Iowa earlier this summer, let me ask just who in the hell built our levees? Al Qaeda? Ok, so New Orleans was an accident (that’s a bit glib but roll with it...) but now why haven’t we reinforced them...and if we have, why didn’t we do a better job...Jeeeeezzzuusss. After Katrina, the amount of water it takes to break a levee should make even Noah say damn...but hey, 500 billy in Iraq...When is that third knock coming, again...But it aint even about that today...well not really.

YOOOOOOO....ARE YOU SHITTING ME...are we really questioning Obama's patriotism? How patriotic is it to lie to your constituency(I know us liberals have been railing about the lies told before the Iraq war for a min now, but fuck...how do you not get impeached for that?), how patriotic is it to get rich off the toil of the American people while they starve, how patriotic is it to watch the nation you are supposed to be leading crumbling at the seams and doing nothing about it...I say we have had unpatriotic muthas for the past 8 years...

And besides no one has ever questioned a candidate's patriotism before. Even the ones that skipped out on the draft. Why are we so alert now? Is it b/c Obama is half black? What you think there is some kind of genetic bitterness against this nation instilled in black folk?

Come on now, Really?

Ok there probably is a scintilla, minute, itsy-bitsy innate in us but still it ain't right...

Polygamy??? Why in the hell would you want more wives...you know other than for the obvious reasons...but even THAT is gonna get old eventually and then you just have 6 or 7 biddies around the crib...nice...real nice…

First Carlin and then Bozo...What the hell? Maybe Death really comes in threes...I would watch my back if I were you Will Ferrell you are just too damn funny for this world...

A friend of mine said the nastiest thing I've ever heard the other day. She asked was my mom going through menopause or does she still have periods. First off, why in the hell would I know that? What I'm going to be like "So ma, got those hot flashes yet." Second, seriously what the hell...and Third, my mom is not a woman. SHE'S A MOM! I mean she stopped being a woman when I ruined her figure. She's not a woman. She doesn't have a libido. She doesn't even have a...a...i cant even say it. I repeat: She's a mom dammit...end of discussion.

But this brings up a point though. Men, don't see their moms as women. I've heard women ask would you talk to your momma like that...the reply is always, whether said or unsaid, "you ain't my momma." When you really think about it, before you buy that hooker, boss around your woman or even hit them, if a man thought "would I want some one doing that to my mom?", a lot of the bullshite we pull would not happen. But alas, mothers are not women, they are moms...


Oh and I hate to have a double standard here but uh-ra...when you pass another human being through your orifice...you may wanna think about toning down the style of dress a bit. I mean those tights hug your hips and that top makes your boobies look delightful; however, that stroller ain’t sexy at all...sorry. Again, you are a mom...I dont mean you have to dress like a 55 year old english teacher, but you might wanna leave H&M to the Miley Cyrus-es. I hear Ann Taylor has a nice selection...Not to say there aren’t sexy moms still...Halle por ejemplo, be it MILF would be just someone mispelling milk....

Alrighty, I have officially moved back to NC(Land of fried fat and faded smiles...that's word to Nabokov for that one). By the way, if you are ever thinking of moving, don’t. Just don’t. I moved in with your friend and mine, the guy whose name means receiver of superfluous apostrophes in Celtic, commissioner of RPW, Scoe-says-he Jenkins (not his real name, but sounds good). I ain't gonna lie to ya...its gonna be weird living with a guy after staying with a girl...for the obvious reasons…

Know what I am not going to miss? My damn toilet paper expenditure...jeeebusss...Do y'all have to use it every time? You just cant shake it off like we do? Every damn week and a half...i mean a lot of it goes towards wiping off the toilet, but that's besides the point. Nothing says I love you like a "gold plated" toilet seat cover...

Hey, I look at the WE network a lot (Ladies and gentlemen, its bruce eagle the seahorse). Just going solely off the WE line-up, do women only care about brides and babies?

But I guess you could say the same thing about BET... Just going solely off the videos, do all black men like big butts and scantily clad women gyrating? Of course not...Some black men are gay.

Tell me this. With about 7 billion people on this earth, why do you need something like E-harmony to meet people. This world is full of 'em. Just start talking...

SO SHOOT ME...I like that Viva La Vida by coldplay. Its got heavy rotation on the Ipod. Its a blatant U2 ripoff but still. I see it as a portrait of the evanescence of fame("One minute I held the key. Next the walls were closed on me") and its corrupting influence("It was a wicked and wild wind blew down the doors to let me in" and "People couldn't believe what I have done"). It also brings it back home. Martin is singing "for some reason I can't explain, I know St. Peter will call my name." He saying I may have changed and done some wicked things, but it was the fame, baby! "It wasn't me Pete. It was the fame Godd..oh I mean dammit" I know that's the story I am going with. Now I just have to get famous...Go on tell ya friends dammit. I need to blame some of this stuff on the fame..

I am not even going to lie to you...I still don’t understand what the hell that cross-section of a woman’s anatomy they showed us in Sex Ed is. What in the hell were they trying to show. It looks like a rotten eggplant, but I guess that would explain a lot in the bedroom...

Breaking News: IRREGARDLESS is not a freaking word!!!! for the obvious reasons...

The phrase "gives 110%" irks the hell out of me...first off you can't have over 100% unless you are comparing something. 100% is whole when talking output and lets be feasible here, even if it were possible, no one would do it...lets break this down shall we:

10% off the bat just goes to bathroom and smoke breaks, for the obvious reasons. I ain’t met a brother alive(I guess that's redundant, he would have to be alive to urinate…that pretty much a pre-req..) that can go 8 hrs without peeing…that’s real talk. And there damn sure ain’t no smoker gonna go 8 hrs without a CI…at least without strangling someone…

5% goes to small talk with muthas that a wouldn’t be interesting to a hungry dog if they smelled like snausages…You know the drill…”Oh man that story about you painting your garage was enthralling. I can’t wait to hear the sequel about wallpapering your bathroom…Its gonna be like “Harry Potter”…Nigga, please!!!

5% is getting the runaround from the lazy muthas you work with…”Oh that’s not my job go see so and so…” You get to so and so’s desk and its “Oh he was wrong I do this(in essence, jack shit) go see what’s her face in accounting”…and it goes on and on…

With that above 20% happening in every office everywhere since the beginning of time, how in the hell can you possible give 110%. Its not really a big deal it just represents that empty business rhetoric so many are found of…

Man…I am already at 15 hundred words…Ok time to wrap this baby up. I’ll end it by saying thanks for coming back even though its been a min since the last post. You make the Exchange part of EE possible…For newcomers: what in the hell took you so long to get here? We have been waiting for you…bone up in the archives and join the fun…

Bruce Eagle the full metal…It’s good to be back for the most obvious of reasons!!!

So this is what counts for a post these days...

N.E.R.D's(not quite sure what the acronym stands for, but they are pharrell from the neptunes's group and they are fire!!!) new album, Seeing Sounds, may get a grammy...its mad butter-ful fire!!!! But, in lieu of a review...ill post from my fav song so far, Love Bomb(not usually known for his lyrics, pharrell comes with it on this one).

Sitting here in this white pattern room
imaging im a meteor flying out through the distant space(space)
How this tiny speck called earth destroy tomorrow
so capable of so many things...
...
but I believe
that when you lose your route
just use the sunlight
It can be your guide
No more political dreams
Not another excuse
dont need another love song
we need a LOVE need a LOVE bomb
TO JUST BLOW US AWAY...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. 'Nuff Said!!!

Talking that Blog Smiggidy...

because sometimes you gotta let nuccas know:

I got so many sentences Kotex can't keep up with the periods...

My thoughts cut diamonds...

Reading your blog is like watching paraplegic turtles race...

Your mama loves my sh*t...

Maybe if you practice, you could work your way up to moron...

Your blog makes Marlee Matlin wish she was blind and helen keller glad to be so...

Stephen Hawking wants me to ghostwrite his next book...

Jim Abbott types better than you with one hand tied behind his back...

Corky from Life Goes On called...he wants his blog back...

Google googles me...

You ain't worth the copper ya two cents were stamped on...

I've seen coked up squirrels string thoughts together better than you...

Your blog is like a Eunuch; something is just missing...

You couldn't touch my paragraphs if they were a slutty prom date...

My blog took a dump in your blog's house and left it...

You think salient is some kind of ointment...

That white stuff the gets in the corners of people's mouth has more flavor than you...

Your words secretly sneak over to my blog late at night...they love my sh*t...

Did I mention your mama does too...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Damn, Son!!!

"When will Jesus bring the porkchops...?"-George Carlin

Since he's jewish, probably never...That's just an example of the way George Carlin made us look our foibles and hypocricies. He played with the language. He showed us that when you do something for the sake of apperances (like saying "how are you" but not sticking around for the answer) it will always come off hollow and pedantic. Since he would probably balk at the concept of eulogies, i'll keep this short:

You will be truly missed and thanks for the laughs...Have a good one :)

Gonna party like....

Cliched phrase aside, Yep today's my b-day. I have made it another spin around our yellow ball of gas... and since I really didn't have anything to do with it,

ahem...

I'll let my man Nas speak on it instead...

"I woke up early on my born day I'm [26] its a blessing. The essence of adolescent leaves my body now freshen. My physical form is celebrated cus I made it one quarter through life as something that God created..."

Amen. Here's hoping I live to a Hundred....

Bruce Eagle the Birthday Boy. Yea!!!

This one's for the Commish...

In the last post, I used my friend Scoe, commissioner of Phoenix Rising Wrestling, as a contrast to my reverse jinx of Obama's bid for presidency. Turns out I didn't get it right. So with all due respect to the commissioner, here's his rebuttal. Wow, my first official retraction. I feel like such a journalist.


Commissioner of RPW said...
I dont have a conspiracy theory. That's not what I was saying at all. You ever heard the term "lame duck." This is usually used to describe people in power who have very little power in reality. Without a substantial amount of backing from his fellow politicians, Mr. Obama will be a lame duck president. If that were to occur, which is not outside the realm of possibility, what would happen to the legions of Blacks and other minorities who have got it in their minds that we are on the verge of a "second coming." People are believing that this is the time for the meek to inherit the earth. However, if the shephard is corraled like his flock, who can he save?


BruceEagle the the full metal. Peace!!!

Obama: Mama We made it...

Well, not quite. We still have to get the brother elected. But, congrats on the nomination nonetheless(i must admit when i saw him and McCain sitting at that table on CNN...i got a little hype)

Now, me and my friend Scoe seem to be pessimistic about this nomination in two different directions. He feels wary that "they", his "they" are the clandestine organization that is quietly running our lives(yeah, that "they"), will allow Obama to get into office, but "they" will take every precaution to make his administration a failure and laughingstock. Scoe feels that this will push an already disenfranchised people over the edge thereby quelling any further worry from the black voting bloc as well as any aspirations any further black men/women have of running for office. While this could happen, I just don't see it that way. Why would "they" let us win? Its just as easy to make us lose and prove the same point and you wouldn't have that pesky black president to deal with. Besides, if we can come back to the voting booth after Florida and Ohio, then it stands to reason we are bit more resilient as far as electoral spirituality to have that happen to us. His theory sounds a bit too conspiracy theory for me, but as the movie taught us, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you.

I am pessimistic as well. However, I don't think the brother will even get elected. Not to be outdone by my surrogate brother, I have a "they" driving my theory too. My "they" is an amalgamation of stand alone complexes(i.e. individuals) bound only by their irrational hatred of all brown people(blacks, mexicans, muslims, sugar bear, etc) that will unwittingly bring them together. I envision an increased amount of felonious charges brought against minorities(remember felons can't vote), confusing ballots in areas with a high percentage of elderly people, and the rezoning of districts to invalidate voter registrations(in essence gerrymandering...illegal but not impossible). I repeat, I just don't see it. However, for now I rejoice because:

"They", whatever definition you have of "them", cannot lie to us anymore. They cannot tell little kids that they have to be ballers or entertainers to make a difference or make something of themselves. Now black parents can point to Obama and tell their children that they CAN make a difference. "See, look at Obama. He looks like you. If he can do it, you can do it, too." It has been so long since we have had a black person in the spotlight(not rap or sports either, not that there's anything wrong with that, its just that everyone can't do it) that black kids, inner city or otherwise, could aspire to be. Sure, there are those in the community to look up to(I see you even if no one else does), but you and I know that those on the tele hold a lot more weight...So, while I am a bit pessimistic, I still rejoice and I will continue to do so until...well...you know my vision comes to fruition...

So congrats again, Obama. I am pulling for you. And, lets hope Scoe and I are both wrong...

Bruce Eagle the Reverse Jinxer. Wink!!!