Letter to Shareholders-Acme Industries's

Dear Shareholder,

As you may know there has been a lot activity during this fiscal year. We will begin with our recent achievements. We are pleased to inform you that we are now officially "green" in all of our factories. We have gotten rid of the previous asbestos-spewing air conditioning units and the toxic waste conveyor belt we've used the first 99 years of our existence, but we go by the law: "better late than never".

In an unrelated note, employee mortality rates are at their lowest level in our 100 year history. Also for the first time ever, we have a health care plan for factory workers(originally just for executives) to back up this claim. Yes, the factories are loving their new Baflack/HMO. These recent employee changes will decrease our bottom line, but the safety and health of our employees has always been paramount. We are also pleased to inform you that our stock price is now at 1,000 dollars per share, but we aim to get that number up to 1500 per share by optimizing our factory space in addressing a long standing employee-overcrowding issue.

As well as our recent successes, Acme has been embroiled in a few minor legal conflicts. We want to instill in you our confidence that the recent lawsuit filed by one, Mr. Wil E. Coyote, is frivolous and unfounded. We have a legacy of over 100 years of providing quality products and services. We take pride in our creations and go to great lengths to ensure their safety with proper use. We also have pending litigation from a midwestern contingent of megalomanical farmers who want to rid the world of gophers. The lawsuit contends that the farmers were given cancer because we included toxic materials from china in an attempt to increase profits. We want to stand by our defense that we were not aware that the same Chinese factory that makes dog food and toothpaste also makes the buttons for our Rocket powered artillery division. Here at Acme, we want our products to be deadly not toxic.

In an unrelated bit of good news, we are purchasing a Chinese dog food and toothpaste company to diversify our already large firm. Our holdings in MotherFlurbers, makers of .9 mm baby pacifiers, and ClassRoles, makers of explosive file folders for teenagers, will not be affected by this new acquisition.

Lastly, we made 100 Billion dollars in profit for the year. In a related note in light of this record breaking profit, the Board of Directors has authorized bonuses and raises for the entire executive team.

As always, it is our goal to do everything in our power to make the shareholders happy. After all, you are our favorite customers.

Sincerely,

B. Astards III, CEO and Chairman, WEa, pHd mbU, ReT. lieUtenant-Armed Forces.

"We don't believe you...

"you need more people"-Jay-Z

Roger Clemens is a non-juicer...sorry, you need more people...(this along with "do you have the job security of Isaiah"...will be a running item until it is irrelevant and Roger confesses. And, judging from the way all this has played out thus far...I think it should be relevant for years to come)

“Crank Dat Batman” is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(umm, YEAH...hey man i know every song aint gotta suit my fancy, but hot damn...that is a terrible fucking song. I mean its so bad that if i ever see these dudes...Im punching them square in the face and thats "word to my seed-dah". I like the whole "snap song" trend, its catchy and gives you something to dance to. Its not big on lyrical content but hey everything has its place. This right hurr dough...is not...its just not...F it...im moving on)

The Showtime/CBS show, Dexter, is not one of the best shows on TV...sorry, you need more people...(here i go again with the righteous "you should watch this show...blah blah"..but man, this show is on another level. Its clever, well-acted, and very engaging. Its a bit gory, but thats cool you should be used to it on network TV by now. Give it a shot, pretty puh-lease...)

Crank Dat Batman is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(yeah i had to run this one twice...)

America is still the most powerful country in the world...sorry you need more people...(I guess this is technically right given there is no one country more powerful in the world, for better or worse, but you gotta admit we are slipping as a dominant country. With the way we botched the Iraq war why should anybody fear us let alone respect us anymore? The dollar isnt the strongest currency(we are behind the Euro and if you can believe the canadian dollar). We dont make the best anything anymore either. No food, no toys, no clothes, no toothpaste, for Christ's Sake, we dont even do our own customer service anymore. How do you outsource a call? Damn thats bad. All that aside though, recent war "win"/loss record and all, we still have the most nukes though if you anybody wanna take it there(or at least i hope. I have a hunch that pakistan is slowly building a nuclear arsenal better than ours under the radar, hahaha what you know about parens inside of parens. this is history ppl)...but lets hope not...No point being the most powerful nation in the world again if there aint no world...but i digress)

The Patriots are the 2004 Superbowl Champions...sorry you need more people...(I thought we went over this in the last LL post. Those bastards cheated! It wasnt just against the Rams...Oh so they found a successful way to win but they just decided to get ethical in the face of a team that could beat them? BULLFEATHERS...They are co-champs with the Panthers...matter of fact this is gonna be another runnning item until everybody comes to their senses. Write your congressperson. Petition at the courthouse. We need to make this happen. Oh and while you're writing and petitioning, feel free to picket something like increased funding for stem cell research too, but STAY FOCUSED on this people...! Ill be watching...)

Atheists...sorry you need more people...( I dont have the time to delve too deep into this one right now. I think ima do a "mythbusters" post on this topic, but really? I know, religion can be disenfranchising at times, but NO GOD at all? really? Do you know that your heart on average beats 70 times per minute? Try doing that with your hand? Hurts like hell dont it? Have you seen a sunset? Evolution, even? Come on, we can explain why we walk upright, the heart, sunsets etc, etc, but you dont feel that there is some overall force moving all of this? Call it energy, Call it Akira, Call it God, but there is SOMETHING that is moving the heavens and life itself. To think that we are anything other than a wrinkle on a larger brain is kinda arrogant, but you are entitled to your opinion, but to me, you just need more peeps, quite frankly...On that note:)

An opinion cannot be wrong...sorry you need more people( i know i know by definition an opinion cant be wrong. Isn't that just being nice about people's inner thoughts? By and large, most opinions cant be wrong, i understand. Por Ejemplo, "In my opinion, vanilla ice cream is the best ice cream ever, EVER" How the hell can you disprove that...it cant be wrong. However, what about opinions based on erroneous information? Like if everything that came out about roger clemens so far was false, my opinion that he is a lying, patronizing bastard would be based on erroneous information. I would rescind my previous opine and change it. In theory, my previous opinion would have been technically wrong...but "yall dont hear me, you just wanna dance"...on that note though...UNA VEZ MAS:

Crank Dat Batman is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(and opinion or not this cannot possibly be wrong or refuted so dont even try...)

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 2-25-2008

Someone said that Capitalism is inherently evil. Close but not so. How glorious is capitalism with its ability to let someone be as famous as rich as anything that they can be. There is NO ceiling, at least theoretically. Capitalism tells us that a man can and should earn what his true value is. Its liberating to know you can be anything you want to be and sell it, buy it , or use it when you become IT, at least theoretically...

Now, capitalism as most ecomonic theory(socialism, communism, etc) looks good on paper, no doubt, the problem comes when it is put in practice. Humans, inherently flawed, have no discipline. How can you tell a man a certain amount is "enough money" when there is no cap on it? 1 million? Shit, lets try 1 BILLION and if i have to close my plant in some po-dunk town that will die without it, move it to some third world country, and save millions, so be it. So, capitalism in its theory is glorious...its just the damn implementation thats the problem...


With that said, I am a human(yes yes its true) so GIVE ME MY CASH, nucca!!!

The reason we were so scared of communism in the fifties and sixties was what it represented not necessarily the countries that practiced it. It was just that all countries that practiced it were so easy to fear and dislike(korea, russia, etc). But, a communal pot? The community working towards a common goal? F-THAT!!!! You think America was gonna let THAT idea catch on? But, like capitalism and its glorious theory, communism falls flat in practice. The idea of gov't interaction to regulate the people toward a common good, with human frailty, tends to lend itself to demagogues and dictators alike. Too bad, the idea works so well on paper...

Congrats to "No Country for Old Men" for winning best pic last night at the Oscars. Great Movie, well acted, well shot(the cinematography was great. I am glad they didnt waste those beautiful landscapes of the desert). What is going to be lost, on some not all, is that this movie is a parable. Actually, its a reflection, a mirror image. You think NCFOM was too violent? Think it was too gory? Well, the Coen brothers just showed you a snapshot of the world in which you live. Violent, confusing, and at times seemingly meaningless and random(hence the coin flip element to the villian)...

Like Jesus's parables in the bible, the story was just a medium to deliver a message. Yes, this time is violent yes it is random and hard to take. Yes, this country is not built for old men. It takes a strong constitution to stomach this world at times. But, you know what? Its been like that since that first "retarded fish-frog"(copyright South Park) decided to walk upright...However, the Coen brothers did give a ray of hope in this bleak parable: Luellen's wife. She was the moral compass of the movie continually espousing "you dont have to do this..." She says something to that effect multiple times throughout the movie. And she is right. We dont have to do this. Remember yall, it doesnt have to be like this...we can control it and make the world better. That is, you know, if its alright with yall.

For anybody that thinks humans are not animals: take a look at an infant. Not saying that children are animals...actually thats exactly what im saying. Think about it...Infants and children are pure instinct. They dont care you have to go to work in the morning they are hungry and need to be fed. They dont care that its 2 in the morning...They dont care that your boss is at your house they are gonna run around naked(our purest form). Child rearing is just another word for child training. We teach them how to act in our society. Everytime we fuss at them; everytime we pop their hands; everytime we give them a cookie for peeing in the potty; we are conditioning them like a pavlovian dog to act as we act and do what we do.

Umm...I know i should feel slighted that flavor flav has tarnished his legacy as a pioneer in one of the most influential, positive rap groups of all time(and if you dont know what group. I think you should leave now...no, no go ahead. You need to leave), but that nucca is HEEE-LARIOUS. The show is so obviously staged but it is HEEE-LARIOUS. Those women are so obviously out to be famous, start a burgeoning video girl career or something, but they are HEEE-LARIOUS...HEY, i never said i was perfect. I have my vices and Flavor of Love is as addictive and seemy as a smack habit...at least there are no needle marks in my arms despite the obvious effects it has on my brain..

HEY MAN, did the hot damn Patriots CHEAT in their Superbowl wins? Thats the new wrinkle in the Spygate saga...Supposedly, actually let me put on my Roger Cossack, ESPN legal analyst hat on, Alledgedly, there is evidence that the Patriots taped the Rams practice before their first Superbowl win(if they cheated in one that means they cheated in all of them. Yep, thats what we are gonna go with). Now, i could give a crap out the damn Rams, but:

DID THOSE BASTARDS CHEAT IN THEIR 2004 SUPERBOWL AGAINST MY BOYS, THE CAROLINA PANTHERS? hmm...did YOU beli-bastard!!!??? Did you? SNIFF, SNIFF. I want my HOTDAMN(im toning down the severity of my curse words...you know for the babies) SUPERBOWL Banner, you bastard!!!

You say that "13 panther players were found to have used steroids the following season". First off, thats none of your hot damn business thank you...Second, so Rodney Harrison was juicing too!!!...So guys i am willing to split that title with you. Hey, we'll be doing YOU a favor we COULD just come up there and take it. Ever seen an army of pissed off rednecks(so what we lost the Civil War we've been practicing since then and we are pissed) But, its cool we can share...just bring us the trophy and we can call its square...Good im glad we got this settled. Now i can say:

The Carolina Panthers, 2004 SUPERBOWL CO-CHAMPIONS. Yep, that sounds ‘bout right...Get the T-shirts ready!!!

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Office of Urinal Ethics and Responsibility

Ok...This is long overdue. And, given my propensity for potty humor every chance i get, I am just the guy for this..

We are gonna sit down here today and just make some general Urinal Ethics and Repsonsibility guidelines. These are not rules, per se, and if you dont follow them, its not like there is some kind of police action that would follow you(although that would be....nah). Its just a friendly list of actions to make our 10-20 secs in front of that open hole in the wall a little better(if there is anything that shows just how unrefined a man can be, it would have to be a urinal...peeing into a hole in the wall...just a layer of porcelain from peeing ON the wall...)

Oh, a little more background on the reason for the document: I am currently working for a bottled water company. As you would expect, the employees get all the bottled water they can drink during the day. Couple my love of free stuff and my inability to hold water(literally and figuratively i would suppose) and you will get a guy in front of a urinal many more times than would be appreciated. A funny note though is that since many employees take advantage of the free water thing, I am being exposed to suprisingly long pee sessions in the b-room, counting me as well. Whats the longest you've ever peed? My record is like 55 secs. May not look long on paper but damn its an eternity. Enough preamble, on to the guidelines:


1. There has to be some kind of time period of friendship for guys talking at the urinal, a statute of intimations, if you will. Like if i havent known you for at least six weeks(really thats being nice), why are we conversing with our pee-pees out? It just doesnt feel right.

So, lets say you have to have known someone at least 2 weeks in a business setting and 6 weeks recreationally to hold a convo(i am not talking about saying "how you doing" or something like that i mean the hard core discussions) at the urinal with them.

You know something...thats really the only one. Oh oh wait, wait...two more

2. Every bathroom has to have some kind of barrier between urinals. I feel like such a heathen peeing without a guard up. What are we the ancient Romans or something?...I am all about building bridges and coming together as a species but can a brother get a little donut when he's got the jewels out?

3. Why the hell are men still pissing in troughs? You remember at the baseball games as a kid and you would go to the b-room and just love peeing in that trough? It was freedom you could pee anywhere you want as long as its was in the trough. No, better yet, remember when you would be out with the fellas playing b-ball or baseball or two-hand touch and one person said they had to pee, then everyone had to pee. You would find a ditch or something and all of you would line up and pee in a ditch.


Done that lately? No, because you are grown now. Its not just paying bills and being miserable that makes you a grown-up...its pissing correctly as well. Funny thing is the last time i peed in a trough was at a supposedly "upscale" manhattan club... So, lets put a ban on the troughs ok...Nah lets keep 'em in preschools and elementary schools. Wouldn't want to take the joy of peeing in troughs from the babies...but all adult establishments, yeah lets go with barrier-infused upright urinals...

Thats just about it. Take these guidelines my padouin learners and lets all have a happy Pee-riod with fun, safe, and up-to-guidelines urinals.

And if you dont follow the guidelines, you will seriously piss me off(did you really expect me not to end on a pee joke? come on now...)


Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

F-ING "A"!

SEALAB IS BACK ON THE AIR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Not new episodes, but still Ill take it.

You havent seen the show? Its a hilarious "Adult Swim", cartoon networks version of "nick at nite", cartoon. And, ill leave you with this and I quote from last night's episode: "I look like an Otter. A sexy Otter" and "Tell it to Queen Dopapoplous..."

Ok, so i dont do it justice just give it a shot. Its on cartoon network 12:15...

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 2-19-2008

I wonder how Al Gore feels on President's Day?

I would surmise a Nobel Prize softens that melancholy he has to be feeling, you know, winning the Presidency and not actually being president and all. However, Nobel Prize Winner does not have quite the zing as "the most powerful man in the world."

But, seriously though, I heard that Al Gore won the Nobel Prize on the news one morning half-sleep. I got up thinking, "That was a weird dream. What the hell am I dreaming about Al Gore for?"...

One thing that solidifies that humans are hell bent on destroying themselves: Alfred Nobel gave the world dynamite. A wonder that can be used to literally move mountains, which was Nobel's purpose. What did we do with this beauty? We used it on each other as if mere rock or stone...

I admit I get disappointed at the human race sometimes, but there are still souls out there that make me believe there is some good in humans: Jesus, MLK jr., Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Al Gore, Ed Begley Jr., Kurt Vonnegut, Ingrid Newkirk(the president of PETA. Hey this chick is crazy, granted, but the love and the ethics are there, albeit for dogs but I am glad she is standing for something)...etc. The list goes on...Thanks guys. You keep me plugging away.

You see that Lindsay Lohan has some nude pics out there? Man, she held out longer than i thought she would though. Seriously, they were pretty tasteful. While viewing them( you know i had to see for myself i just cant report unverified information or at least thats the story im going with) I was ambivalent. On one hand, I hated to see someone with such a promising career not too long ago have to do this to regain her fame. People, out of all the pop starlets out there getting into trouble, Lindsay has the most talent. And, dare I say, she is actually talenTED. I want to see her back in features again(Prarie Home Companion was great and so was "Mean Girls" suprisingly). Lets support a celebutante that has talent even though she may be a bit misguided. Now, on the other hand, I thought the previous, but at the same time i thought, "MAN, she has a great, wonderous, mellifluous, gorgeous, rack." Hey, what can I say, I am a fan(of boobies, anyway. the always classy Bruce Eagle, Ladies and Gentlemen)

I haven't asked this question in a while but i feel everyone out there should use this question to evaluate their career. I will ask this question until it is irrelevant: do you have the job security of Isaiah Thomas?

Shit, i dont. I dont think even God has his job security...

What if Jesus were just a man who heard voices? What if mohammed were just a man who hallucinated? Arent' their words still just as powerful, meaningful, and wise?

BTW, Jesus never preached hate of any one person(thats right abortion clinic bombers, gay haters). Remember, love the sinner, hate the sin? Mohammed never meant for people to kill the "infidels."(infidels represent evil in general not solely non-believers) Do you know the Qu'ran is one of the most poetic, beautiful pieces of work I have ever had the pleasure of reading(not the whole thing mind you, I aint gonna front). Both religions(violent throughout history...christians, remember the inquisition? hmmm...?) have calls to arms for its followers but only when its necessary. Both founders knew that you would have to fight for what you believe in when oppressed by the unenlightened masses. This is not a call to go out and kill b/c someone does not subscribe to your thinking, simply defend YOUR position when it is THREATNED. Everyone has the right to believe what they want, not just you(or shall i say "us"being i am a christian and all)...

Let's say you are on the cusp of the opportunity to make kajillions of dollars, ensuring your family's well-being for generations but you have to irrevocably mar your body(genitalia especially) to get that extra lift to the big time. Would you do it? Ill give you a sec...ok...took you a while didnt it?So, can you really blame some atheletes for doing steroids? Keyser Sose said in the "Usual Suspects", "The man who wins the war is the one who is willing to do what the other man won't." BINGO!!! Arent steroid takers just the ones who won the war?

So, lets cut all the sanctimony towards the individual steroid users. They just wanted it more. You and I could have taken steroids and made it to the bigs, but I like my balls too much, personally. Now, taking steroids is not the biggest problem this country is facing(you could put 1000 syringes end over end and still not touch the gravity of our health care situation), but I admit that we did need to address this issue on a national level(i could have done without all the congressional grandstanding but hey) to let teenagers fully know all the risks involved or have a forum to present such. I hear folks chastise a steroid user on a personal level. You wanna call him or her(haven't forgot you Marion) cheater thats fine, but we all cheat. Wanna call them liars thats fine, but we all lie. Just dont start talking about he is less of a man this and despicable in nature that. Those are pretty strong words for someone who is really only directly hurting himself. However, the one thing that DOES make me mad about all of this steroid talk is:

Being patronized. Now, when someone lies about steroids thats cool(not cool rather tolerable). I mean, what the hell do you expect them to do, but when you start coming all out of your face with utter nonsense(*cough* roger clemens*cough*) and expect me to swallow it like a tablespoon of sugar with a dose of cod liver oil(btw, that shit dont work cod liver oil is still nasty as hell), this is when I get a little pissed. At this point, Roger, you are insulting our intelligence, you bastard. Just ADMIT IT GODDAMN IT AND STOP WITH ALL THIS NONSENSE so we can move on with our lives(or at least stop hearing about this shit. I dont know about you but I am not sitting in my room crying over this. However, I would like to listen to my ESPN radio without ROGE all over) ...

Someone said that "cursing gives people a reason not to listen to you" Umm, whatever. If you have seen a curse word from me and stop reading me, GREAT!!! You were apparently reading too superficially anyway. I use curse words sparingly(hahaha well not as much as Richard Pryor at least) and use them when i want to express the gravity of a situation or intense anger at one. After all, isnt a curse word just a word someone told you NOT to say(except damn and the phrase "go to hell" those are truly the only "words of curse")? If someone told you ice cream was a curse from day one, you would not say that either. Stop being sheep!!! If my words offended you, I am sorry(kinda), but use your judgment in what you truly find offensive in nature not just a few particular words. (ok it was vonnegut who said the previous quote in "Hocus Pocus" i just quote that man entirely too much...)

You ever notice i say "seriously" or "seriously though" and still proceed to make a joke? Weird huh...

Seriously though, Why the fuck dont we have a universal health care system for infants and the elderly, AT LEAST...for Christ's Sake we couldnt start with that and work up? We cant afford that? What the fuck man?...I would PAY MY TAXES FOR THAT...IS THIS NOT A RIGHTEOUS CAUSE??!!!...ok im cool now...sorry. See people can change!!!

I believe the power of the human mind is infinite. You know the saying "We only use 10% of our brain." I think it was Einstein who opined humans would become pure energy if they were to use their mind's full capacity(or i think it was the movie "Powder" but you can never go wrong saying Einstein said something b/c he probably said it at one point or another). I say that to say that if a person believes strongly enough in say an afterlife(heaven, reincarnation, etc), that that person will eventually experience that b/c his or her's mind is attuned to that level of consciousness. Think about it. So maybe what you believe(Christianity, Islam, or absolutely nothing)will eventually be what happens to you. Wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE was technically right?

Wouldn't it be the ultimate irony if all life's questions were answered in the afterlife when you dont need them anymore?

The hardest thing to do with an LL post is find a way to end it...I think this is as good as any though:

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

"Artists use LIES to tell the truth"-Evie Hammond

Everything you are about to read is a LIE...


The Iraq War does not cost one billion dollars a day so WE ARE ABLE TO PROVIDE UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE FOR INFANTS AND THE ELDERLY...

We have not destroyed the planets ecosystem; therefore, THE EARTH WILL LAST FOR GENERATIONS TO COME...

THERE IS ONE AND ONLY ONE REASON FOR SENSELESS GUN VIOLENCE: hip-hop music

THERE IS ONE AND ONLY ONE REASON FOR SENSELESS GUN VIOLENCE: video games...

THERE IS ONE AND ONLY ONE REASON FOR SENSELESS GUN VIOLENCE: heavily medicated, ill-parented teenagers...

The 2ND Amendment gives me the right to carry arms even though I am not in a militia and have no foreseeable reason to defend my suburban neighborhood...

Our nation's weight problem is NOT INDICATIVE of A SOCIETY GROWING MORE AND MORE DEBAUCHEROUS by the minute...

WE ARE HEALTHY AS A NATION...

GLUTTONY IS NOT A SIN...

LUST IS NOT A SIN...

THE HUMAN RACE IS NOT A VIRUS constantly replicating itself until it uses all its host's resources...

There is NO REDEEMABLE GOOD IN HUMANS SO THERE IS NO NEED TO TRY to find it...

EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO NEED TO WORRY...


Yes, my friends every statement above was a lie. I wish the preceeding line was a lie and everything above were true; however, to remove the overcast of lies allowing truth to shine through, one must first realize what exactly the lies are. Then and only then will one be able to desseminate truth from its fraternal twin, fiction. Unless you would rather be lied to...well, if that's the case, this post never happened...

Bruce Eagle the "soothsayer". Peace!!!