Equivalent Exchange

Puerile Passages(aka Loquacious Levity) 6-5-2009

2009-06-05T10:13:00.009-04:00

Hey, do atheists say T.G.I.F.??

The day I can't laugh at a good fart joke...just strike me down then and there.

What ever happened to underwear with your name in it?

I may be a little biased here but, I would have hated to be a little girl. They don’t get to do ANYTHING...a little boy can come up dipped in mud(been there done dat) and it’s all good, "boys will be boys...but if a little girl did that...it’s a straight AW...

So, my friend and yours, commissioner of RPW wrestling association, the guy whose name means blessed giver of the epidural to the Virgin Mary in Swahili, Scoesese Jenkins, is getting married in a year or so...So, since he is a wrestling fan, we were thinking about cutting promos for his reception entrance...HOW PLAYER IS THAT, MAN!!! "And now hailing from parts unknown, holder of the Intercontinental Leg Lock Championship, Scoesese Jenkins" and he comes in with his groomsman all wearing belts. that would be GANGSTA!!! hahahaha...

Hey, what happened to the Atkins Diet??

If I were up for the death penalty(hey, its possible I'm still young), my last meal would be something like broccoli, a lot of beef, and some apples...just as a last F-you to the world. Imagine what it would smell like("what that smell like"..."unforgivable")...you have burning flesh and an awesome bowel evacuation that would smell like old bus seats and Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear...

I don’t know about you but that last paragraph was HILARIOUS to me...guess I won’t be getting struck down anytime soon!!!

2.5%:percentage of people who are actually sick when they take a sick day at work. With the number of people bringing their germ filled asses to work when they are sick...that’s GOTTA be the number...

Just b/c I can: COOTIES!!!

I am just waiting for a divorce settlement where Facebook is heavily involved..."Your Honor, I knew he was cheating on me(and lets be honest only a man would get caught cheating on facebook) b/c he commented on a bathing suit picture...that b****h didn’t even look that good...He has to be cheating with her...he loves fat women..."

You ever notice at the gym that you can’t get a machine from like spring to September?? But in January you could hurl a free weight and not hit a soul...

I wonder is it grammatically illegal for two homonyms to be together in the same sentence??

You know what one of the funniest word combinations to me is: the words stool and softener...I just love what it implies...Wouldn’t need a stool softener if you didn’t have hard stools...doesn't it just give you visual of someone trying to crap a bar stool??
The always classy Bruce Eagle, lady and gentleman...

-14: the number of people who actually know the second verse to the national anthem...I don’t even think Francis Scott Key knows it...

I wonder what an MRI for Wolverine would look like...would the machine just break or would he get stuck in it??

If you are expecting some hard-hitting, change the world prose in this PP post...You may wanna leave now

HAHAHA, I said PP Post...ill just be putting on my footie pajamas right now...

Dude, how stupid were we in kindergarten not to appreciate nap time...sometimes I just think back to all those naps I shunned and say damn!!!

How long before they start teaching "reality show acting techniques" to drama majors? You know, how to act indignant on the 18th take of you not getting your nonfat caramel mochachino or how to act like you really care that someone ate a piece of you cake in a house full of people or how to act like you are seriously in love with aging rockers or guys who looks like a old chewing gum on the street...Its coming people and its gonna be a sad day...

Hey, What happened to sugar babies??

Ok, watching Kill Bill 2 the other day...and, I was cool with digging yourself out of a grave or pulling out someone's eye, but I am sorry AINT NO CHILD gonna sleep through not one gun shot but TWO...get the bump outta here...

NEWS FLASH: The "l" in Sa"L"mon is silent...Its pronounced CARE-A-mel not Car-Mail...there is no such word as irregardless(seriously, you should ridiculous)...there has never been a fruit called a skrawberry or a sea creature called a skrimp...no one has ever lived on a skreet, EVER...just letting you know...

13: the number of people who get 100 out of 100 on their written driver's test...

249,999,000: the rest of America who barely pass the damn thing...Obviously

Seriously, stop trying to sag straight leg jeans!!! It ain't working playa!!!

I wonder if there are actors at home kicking themselves b/c they turned down something like the wolverine part or Aragon or terminator or rocky or John McClane saying "nah the movie ain’t gonna amount to nothing..."

I always wondered how do you get roosters to fight in a cockfight? Chickens ain’t that aggressive...they are chickenhearted, remember...Do you quietly talk about their mamas? Or step on their Reebok classics or spit on them?? Or do you just say "loser is dinner" and that gets it popping??

Just b/c I can: BOOBIES!!!

It’s funny what puberty does to a little boy...it goes from ewww, girls have cooties to oohhh, girls have boobies...

Can we pass a law that men in pornos have to shut the hell up?? Dude, seriously!!! I always have fantasies all the time where another guy is there moaning...Not cool!!!

True Story: Ok so my manz is making out with this chick at my house. We are about 14 or so at the time. So, the door is closed and I am just chilling playing look out in the den. It's all good until my pops rolls up. Now, we gotta scramble like Cambell right...Mind you, its about 35 steps from My dad's truck to the house and I am fiddling with the back door and I finally get it open and the chick doesn’t wait until I get the screen door open...she runs straight through it like Wil E. Coyote or something...The screen door comes clean off and me and my manz are trying to get it back up when my dad finally walks through the door. He looks and me and says "what happened"...I said "me and my friend were wrestling and we went through the door(hey, it was the best I could do in a split second)" My dad replies, "All that space in the back yard and yall wrestle here?", not believing a word of it...he let it ride though as another silly act from his silly child...ahh, the good ole days...HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, Dad!!!

Seriously, Next time this barista fixes my car-mail macchiato with skrimps instead of skrawberries I will bodyslam him on the skreet, irregardless of whose watching...

Why is 12-5 on Friday even counted as work??

7: the number of blog posts I've written when I WASN'T supposed to be doing something else...

7,123: the number of times I've played Madden when WAS supposed to be doing something else!!

0: Number of girlfriends that actually like the game Madden

Seriously, what’s up with that?....Its like Madden and girlfriends are natural enemies like cheetahs and gazelles...Its always something like "why don’t you get something we both can play" Ok, baby you just hold you breath for me buying that American Idol game...go 'head do it...Itll be tomorrow I promise...

What ever happened to Western Sizzlin?

Have you noticed how big the boobs are in Japanese manga(aka comic books)...I guess they know their audience!!

Would you rather: have sex with Gloria Allred or have carnivorous earwigs gently nibble at your cerebellum...

How can you not like the Kobe and Lebron puppet commercials...Ain’t been this much fun with puppets since Lambchop...

Where in the hell do they get those prices for the "Price is right"?

On that note, when's the last time you used some Doan's...they are always either sponsoring the show or they are in some kinda pricing game...

Is there someone getting into a fight right now trying to defend themselves with Tae-bo?

43%: the percentage of the population with hard stools...

Yep, still funny!!!

Ok, I am getting pissed now!!! Are we ever getting another "Chapelle Show"? Ok, dave, you took a little break but now "YOU GET A JOB"!!!

Can we make "professional student" a paying gig? That would be the best job ever!!

Ima go ahead and say this now: No, I don’t wanna hear about your fantasy football team...

F Vegetables...Matter of fact, F ALL TABLES

Why haven’t made the full conversion to Digital Cable signals yet...

Do you ever think that they lowered the quality of regular television so they are able to charge for HDTV??

Pepsi is the worst...You mean for a limited time I can get REAL SUGAR!!! Why only for a limited time? I ain’t worth real sugar!! A brother can’t get a few cubes here or there? Damn, Pepsi I thought we was tight!

Hey whatever happened to athletic socks? You know, the ones with the three red stripes?

Just b/c I can: Who pooted??

You ever had someone ask you to pick up something for them and you get it wrong, but they get mad at YOU...My bad but you know how you could have gotten exactly what you wanted, perfectly to a "T"? Get it yourself!!
Just b/c I can: Spoinkbucket!!

So now we are in the NBA finals and I like the Lakers b/c Kobes is my manz...How am I a fronter? I root for them all year. I just don’t like to watch regular season B-ball until like 30 games left. Sorry, game 13 in an 82 game season ain’t important enough...I got madden to play and girlfriends to ignore...

Isn’t it fronting to root for the underdog? Especially, if you don’t even think they can win...They are not called UNDERdogs b/c they are a cartoon from the 70's...they are not as good...

So my car got broken into the other day but the thief didn’t take the clothes that were in there(what they ain’t good enough?) or the luggage(again, ain’t good enough?) this NIGGA TOOK MY VITAMINS...THAT’S F-ED UP!!! What, you were low on folic acid? Not enough riboflavin so you gotta go a take my vitamins...Man, the world sometimes, you know?

Doesn’t Stan Van Gundy dress like an old English teacher? Or a kooky art teacher? I can Imagine him saying "people people please...bring some old egg cartons to school tomorrow..."

Hey, What happened to people wondering what happened??

Bruce Eagle the full grown baby. Peace!!!

"We don't believe you...

2009-06-03T16:39:00.005-04:00

"...You need more people"-Jay-Z

The NBA as a viable league...sorry you need more people(I knew I only watched the NBA during the playoffs for a reason. These eastern conference finals are really proving that the league is pretty much professional wrestling with more ad-libbing. Ok, has Lebron ever fouled out? EVER?? How can a man that large not commit a foul just by being in the lane? How does dwight howard get so many fouls? How can a man run straight at your chest every time he goes into the lane and gets a foul. Ill concede Lebron is the next Jordan, but he shouldnt be getting all the calls yet. HE HASN'T EARNED IT...Call it right refs!! Having Dwight Howard as the star of the finals isnt so bad...BTW, 27 double doubles in like 31 games...the man is a BEAST(editor's note: HA!! Take that King!! Heavy is the head the wears the crown, huh, Lebron. Its not really even his fault for taking advantage of his stature and the refs favor toward him, but the pouting after losing and the "apology" afterwards was kinda bush jr. league...Hey, live and you lose right??))

People that say American Idol should still be on TV...sorry you need more people(The singers get worse and worse every year. I like a few...Carrie Underwood has some tracks. Big rube can sing and Fantasia is my girl, but come on...we need to stop this now...if for no other reason it gives karaoke rejects such as myself hope for a singing career...sidenote: you should hear my rendition of "smooth" by Carlos santana...you would swear i was rob thomas or maybe bob rhomas...(editor's note: I think this is gonna be like "do you have the job security of Isaiah thomas" theme earlier in the blog...It's been a fun 7 or 8 years, but come on!!!))

Facebook isnt more addictive than a crackberry dipped nicotine...sorry you need more people(wow, there isnt a day that goes by i dont get right on facebook...I doubted it for so long. My bad)
X-men origins: Wolverine as a viable form of entertainment...sorry you need more people(Well, it wasnt that bad. Straight by the books action flick but I dont know, it left me rather dry. Gambit was not done correctly at all. Where's the cajun accent?? Matter of fact, where's the acting...Hugh Jackman...come on buddy...what, being one of the most popular x-men characters for like 10 years isnt doing it for you anymore?? You might as well have been paid 42 cents for that mailed in performance)

"The Hills" as not being interesting...sorry you need more people(I admit i've only watched this show one time, but it was pretty cool...Apparently, empty beauty X is getting married to Prick douchebag A and empty beauty X wants empty beauty Y to be there but empty beauty Y hates prick douchebag A(don't we all!!! i just started watching and he's douchy to me)...INTRIGUE!!! OOOHHH, cant wait for the wedding...not even gonna front(editor's note, I think the wedding finale has already happened, but I aint seen it yet. I have to catch up this weekend..Sad, i know.))

Those who say softball shouldn't have a pro league...sorry you need more people(watched the women's college world series and it was pretty fun!!! Not gonna lie it was fun seeing a pitcher's butt and there being hips there...John Beckett is awesome but umm the butt shots arent cool. It was exciting...and it was fun to ogle!!! Now i know how women feel when they watch basketball...Brittny lastrapes(thats is her real name no lie) is nice and Nikki Nemitz has a nice butt and they both can BALL. Brittny has .9 on base percentage. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...that is ri-hot damn-diculous. and Nikki pitch a three hitter with 120 some pitches and was still throwing smoke. Aint gonna front the ladies can BALL...(editor's note: Danielle Lawrie is a pitching animal. I wrote this on friday b/f I saw the Player of the year play and she is AWESOME...congrats to her and the Washington Huskies for winning the champion-chip...) )

Those last two entries were manly...sorry you need more people(nah, not in the first, but hey...we are all women at one point...(editor's note: Nah, still aint manly...) )

Men and women are the same...sorry you need more people(Take sex for example. Women have to concentrate to have an orgasm(well, not all and if you dont then GOOD FOR YOU) Men have to concentrate NOT to have a orgasm(again, not all and GOOD FOR YOU)...We're opposites. And that is cool. Look at the way we are designed: Men to fit in women. We fit naturally like fingers interwoven. The problem comes when we try to put each other in the same box. Men try to turn women into us and Women try to turn us into them(worst grammar ever by the way). Isn't it easier to hold your hands together when each finger is in a spot that another finger isnt? Try holding your hands together with no space between the fingers...go head...Harder aint it... So we mess up a beautiful, God given thing by trying force each other to BE each other with no leeway, no space. Its not gonna work that way... I admit its easier to deal with someone more like yourself but WHAT FUN IS THAT? Thats why we date...if you wanted yourself then have yourself...you are with yourself all the time, it shouldnt be that hard to hook up...)

Those who would say that stem cell research is evil...sorry, you need more people(Okay, so the research is primarily driven by aborted fetuses(btw, shouldnt it be fetii?? The english language is so weird to me...) but don't protest the research. I can understand protesting Abortion(i dont agree with the protestation but I can see where someone would...see empathy aint so hard), but stem cell research is the making of lemonade from lemons...Until abortion is abolished, why not get some much needed research and try to help those who have actually formed finger nails, full grown brains and breath oxygen, you know like Michael J. Fox or Muhammed Ali...I'm just saying)

That American hubris isn't one of the economy's biggest problems(This is going to be uber-glib...My editor wants me to keep this under 1 million words so ill keep it short(er). Take the auto industry. GM, for instance, is in bankruptcy, among other things, b/c it was too arrogant to change. It was excessive pride that told GM execs that "no we dont have to make more fuel friendly cars even though Jimmy Carter told us 30 some years ago that we should. No he's an old democratic fart what does he know." It was excessive pride that told execs they should make 500% more than the workers who create the products that create the wealth that pays for their opulence. It was hubris to think that you could bury your failures deep in the ledger and hope they just go away. What's gonna happen when the partition you're standing behind falls down? Ever think about that?? No, you were going to be long gone before that. The economy is down but it's not THAT down to bankrupt a 100 year old organizataion. Let's stop fronting here. It was hubris that told you to tell us to buy american b/c it keeps american jobs but not try to outperform your competition. WHY DONT YOU MAKE A CAR THAT IS BETTER THAN YOUR COMPETITION??? THAT'S CAPITALISM!! THATS A FREE MARKET!!...you were lazy... you were prideful and now thousands of americans have to lose their jobs b/c execs were too prideful to make sound decisions and a greenlight cutting edge products. Pride cometh before the fall and a 1% increase in the unemployment rate comes after that and someone coming into someone elses home comes after that...ad infinitum...until collapse. Its a shame b/c of our pride we made OUR creation, OUR industry, as American as baseball, crumble. Hubris, the new American Pasttime...)

Anyone who says Obama isn't doing a good job...sorry you need more people(Really, what are we like 220 days in? And, he was given a crap sandwich and was told to make a filet mignon...medium rare...again, give the brother a chance)

That when you see someone doing something wierd on the road, i.e. swerving, going slow, or almost rear-ending you that it isnt b/c of the cell phone that person is using..sorry you need more people(I am telling you its going to be the death of the human race...if it's not the death of bees, if its not brain cancer, its gonna be we are all going to be on our cell phones just constantly collilding into each other until there is nothing left...We take for granted just how much concentration it takes to properly drive a vehicle. NOT HITTING SOMEONE SHOULDNT BE YOUR SOLE GOAL...There are, at any given moment, hundreds to thousands of other people alongside of you. Hundreds of people with varying levels of driving skill, eyesight, and reaction times. It is like trying to solve hundreds of algebraic equations at one time. Your actions evoke reactions out of others and vice versa. You dont know WHAT is going to happen. That guy could run that red light, that lady could swerve into your lane at the last moment. One slip up could mean serious injury or death to someone else or yourself. So yeah, lets just occupy our minds with ANOTHER activity on top of that...Ask yourself: would you want your surgeon just b/c he's performed hundreds of surgeries, to be doing a crossword while he's working on you?...)

On that note, those who say they can drive drunk or high...sorry you need more peoplle(I admit I used to be one of those people, but not anymore. Ive realized just how much habit plays into that. You ever been buzzed(dont worry I wont snitch on ya) drove home and afterwards you couldnt remember how you got there? That's b/c your mind due to its impairment switched from thinking mode into habit mode. I found this out first hand in GA last weekend. I was a little buzzed and I went out for some snacks(hey, do what you gotta do) and i got so turned around that its wasnt even funny. Mind you that I was on the same road I was on when I was sober and navigated with no problem, but I added an alteration to my mind and BOOM confused as lab rat in the wild. Again, this is DRIVING we are talking about. Just b/c you didnt die horribly didnt mean you didnt put someone else at risk by not being sharp on the road. It's okay not to drive your car home...its okay to not answer that call and pull over to talk. We have precious lives at stake let's start treating as such...I'll do my part...or try or at least feel bad about it...ahh nevermind...)

That dentists and hygenists dont get a bad rap...sorry you need more people(He let's chill out. That hygenist is not Hitler despite that little mustache she is growing(btw, have you ever seen a MALE dental hygenist??). If we actually did what we were supposed to do in the six months(first off actually going every 6 months is a start) b/t visits our gums wouldn't bleed like a UFC fighter at the slightest touch of floss. We wouldn't have to have root canals if we chill out on the candy and sweets and brush and floss like we are supposed to. With that said, Mrs.(or ms. or even i guess Mr.) dental hygenist my teeth are not Carlo Rizzi and I have not sold out the family. My teeth do not need to be Garroted, you know. Be gentle. My gums reviginized in the 6 mths, er, 4 years since the last time they have been flossed. You know good and damn well I aint doing what i am supposed to be doing...Dammit, i hate you ladyman..ok ok Im cool just having flashbacks..)

That I haven't been writing this post for like 3 days whenever i got bored...sorry... actually that's pretty believable...

Bruce Eagle the full Metal. Peace!!!

"It's not a hobby..."

2009-05-29T07:49:00.006-04:00

"...Don't be sloppy"-MF Doom

One of the few things in this world that proves humans get SOMETHING right in our bastardly ways is MUSIC(that and reproduction, of course). The sweet lilt of a southern belle singing about a new or old love. The casual swagger of a D-boy with cautionary tales of a life in the streets. The tear-ridden soliliquy of a heartbroken romantic. Even, the angst filled wails of a guitar player doing so b/c that's the only way he knows to make the world better. Music is a gift from God that should not be jerked around as it is in the "industry" today. Think about it: how many times has music been there for you? How many times has it gotten you in the mood to party? Consoled your broken heart? Lifted your spirits? Music has been there when noone else was. It listened to me and spoke back with words to soothe a soul. For instance:

When I got grounded for like the hundreth time(My pops was like the judge in the Mick Vick case when i was coming up), this future 20 mil a movie mogul said these famous words to me: "There's no need to worry. Parents just don't understand" Will smith(ahh, the fresh prince!!)

When I was a kid trying to figure out just what this "love" thing everyone was craving was all about, a angelic songtress helped me understand: "Treated me kind. Sweet destiny. Carried me through desperation to the one that was waiting for me" Mariah Carey, "Vision of Love"

When I was searching for the words to say to that honey dip to express my intense longing(or lust which ever you wanna call it), these North Carolinian crooners wisphered the perfect words to me: "Said I'm feenin for you. I don't have a mind. It's all blown on you. Girl I'm so strung out. All I do is wish for you. So tomorrow if you're not here. Then girl I'm down. So I need you near. I JUST WANNA MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT. So hold me tight. Then girl I'm alright"Jodeci "Feenin'"(wow, that worked like GANGBUSTERS!!!)

When I was a teenager with those oh so GRANDIOSE teenage issues(acne, girls, grades, self esteem issues(haha believe it or not, I had them at one point)) a former D-boy with his Brooklyn baritone spoke to me filling me with self-confidence: "Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever/However, I stay Coogi down to the socks Rings and watch filled with rocks/And my jam knock in your Mitsubishi/Girls pee pee when they see me/Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee"-Biggie, "One More Chance Rmx"

When my genetic makeup said that I wasn't gonna get taller than 5'9", these words from a fellow shorty made me feel so much better: "I wish I was a little bit taller/I wish I was a baller/I wish I had a girl who look good I would call her" Skee-lo, "I wish"(you and me too brother!!! Ah, well)

When my teenage mind was in shambles addled by hormones and homework, these guys captured my confusion, anted up and doubled it, but somehow made it all make sense, "aflaksfjoeij foaiuroeanflk feoiajofih feaiyryeoinfai Here we are now...Entertain us lfkajlfk I feel stupid. HEY! ALKFJAL" Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit"(I never understood what the hell Cobain was saying, but it really doesn't matter. Perfect teenage song!!!)

When I was a freshman in College, these lines from this swagger specialist pretty much put the period on my first semester: "So get it together or forget forever when i come at you hard i can get it through leather you act like jigga cant get a whoever...talking you got a man...ok ma, and??" Jay-z Best of me Rmx(dude you couldnt go ANYWHERE without hearing that song...hahah shouts to Terrence J for hosting the freshman talent show...hahaha, even back then he was hosting!!! Great year...Great year...)

When I was paying for my stupidity in my relationship senior year, this poetic patron of prose drunk with me and felt my pain: "The reason that I want to be alone, tired of all the things that went wrong that would've went right if i wouldnve did it on my own...take another swig the more I drink the more I think bad thoughts..." Nas "Drunk by Myself"(used to ride around to that all the time!!!)

When I was lost in my relationships, this tortured songtress wailed along with me: "Something grabbed ahold of me honey. Felt to me, honey, like a ball and chain Yeah!....SAY WHOA OH WHOA OH WHOA honey this cant be...JUST BECAUSE I GOTTA HAVE YOU LOVE Puh-leeaaseeeee PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!" Janis Joplin "Ball and Chain"

You get the point. From the womb to the tomb, music has been and will be there, egging me on(it wasn't me it was the gangsta rap and the peppermint schnapps-eminem), calming me down(Slow down...pump ya brakes, ya speeding money-Mos Def), preparing me for the world("Welcome to the jungle...you can have anything you want but you better not take it for free" Guns N Roses), giving me swagger(Yall dont paint pictures you all trace me"-Jay-Z).

In essence, I don't have to like everything you guys do out there(who the hell am I anyway??), but please before you make that cash grab song, before you take a slot from someone who has something to say, before you fleece young artists, before you jerk over your fans, please know there is more at stake than just a buck here. So much hangs in the balance. This is not some hobby we're talking about. This is Art. This is life. I know its made mine better.

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 5-8-2009

2009-05-08T09:05:00.005-04:00

Hey, did you know that the top 100 words used according to Oxford Dictionary does not contain the words "Please" or "Thanks" Says a lot dont it?

I heard Joe Biden was caught with performance enhancing drugs...

Saw the new X-men Movie and i am going to give it the review it deserves: eh...

My mom texted me the other day. Outside the fact my mom is texting in the first place, the weirder thing is that she asked me did i have a spare VCR...umm, no mom...

I think Ben franklin does though...

I think its actually more trendy to say you will never twitter than to twitter...

And then of course signing up and actually twittering...

I dont want people who know me to assume that if they say something interesting I will put it in a blog post...

I want them to KNOW I will...

Seriously though, what happened to the buzz on the Simpsons? Noone talks about it anymore...The episode last sunday satirizing the Teaching shortage as well as Tenure enduced apathy was GREAT!!! I hope this isnt indicative of a dumbening(yep, i said it) of the public. I like family guy like the next man but its a simpler show...doesnt have the complex themes as the simpsons...

That brings up a good point though...why does it seem that humans with the largest thinking capacity of all animals (thats if you believe what we do in our heads is "thinking" hey we made up the definition.) do their damnest NOT to think?

Didn't know satiring isnt a word...its, of course, satirizing...Dang, i guess you dont conversate either...WHO'D THUNK IT!!!

I heard that Apache Indian was caught with performance enhancing drugs and a bag of stolen Handi Snacks...

E-NU-CHUCK!!!

If its true that 85-95% of baseball players use steroids, then those guys AREN'T the anomaly...I say the other 5-15% starts using them so we can finally put this to bed...Seriously, if everyone used them they wouldnt be perfomance enhancing drugs b/c they would, in theory, not enhance anything. To say "enhance", there has to be some comparison there to say something gets better. Without that comparison, they would just be "vitamins" That other 5-15% needs to do their part to clean up performance “enhancing” drugs in baseball.

By far my least used punctuation is the apostrophe...I SAY WE BAN THEM ALL...like we dont know something is missing from cant or arent or wont or rashawd (hahaha, mr. superfluous apostrophe ladies and gentlemen)...

I wasn't about to write this today b/c i figured everyone in America and Mexico was dead from Swine flu...If you are reading this, i am so glad you made it through the "epidemic"

Seriously, not to disrespect anyone who has died from the swine flu, but don't call me until at least 1% of the American public has died from the epidemic...Just getting it isnt the problem, its the DYING from it thats the kicker...So, dont be all up in my news getting me all excited...like "We have a swine flu epidemic. we have 150 cases in the US so far.." word, there are 300 million people here(documented that is...if you believe immigration reformists there are at least 750 million americans). 150 isnt even a drop in a bucket, its a loogey in the ocean...

One thing that’s good about the news driven epidemics...the subsequent scare at least proves SOMEONE is watching the news...

they just aint reading no newspapers...

Hey, for all my 26 and up readers...remember when teachers used to give you an assignment like "watch the news or read the paper and write about what you saw"? What would be the assignment today in this internet driven society?? Follow David souter's twittering and write a report??

On that note, WHO IN THE HELL IS DAVID SOUTER...I mean, good looks for freeing up a Supreme Court spot, but never heard of ya bro...

Why is it that we only see Supreme court justices when they retire?? I know they are not nearly as interesting as Jolie's african babies or miley cyrus or miss California’s untimely outspokenness but these men and women are the final word on many of our rights and liberties. Why do we not care more about them??

BTW, I know the verb for the action of using twitter is “tweet” but F-THAT I am a grown ass man “TWEET” should not be in my vocabulary…

Most obscure sidebar of the day: My cellphone makes the one zach morris's had look like an iPhone...

No homo or anything but i wanted an Easy Bake oven so bad when i was a kid...you mean to tell me i can have brownies ANYTIME I WANT!!! IM THERE!!! No i wasnt a sissy just a fattie...

These LL posts are starting to have some coherence to them…I apologize for that…

BTW, most sarcastic LL POST EVER...and loudest…

Ok, The miss California thing. *Sigh* For all the people against gay marriage: its not that you CANT believe that, its just that what does that mean?? You don’t believe in it. This aint santa claus or the tooth fairy…its two people that love each getting together and shacking up What “nonbelief” is indirectly saying is two things: 1) that what someone feels in their heart is wrong. That something that they can’t help is wrong and THEY are in turn wrong. 2) gays and lesbians are a different class of people that arent sacred enough to take part in marriage(with the divorce rate quietly creeping up to 110%. Is it really that “sacred” anymore??). It’s not a choice. I am sorry. I may not have scientific evidence (do I ever??) but who would CHOOSE that life if they couldn’t help it?? Who wants to get beat up for no reason. Who wants people dictating their personal life? Who WANTS that? The only choice they didn’t make was to deny what they felt.

Ok, I am not gonna lie. Homosexuality, for lack of a better word or want to use one, is icky but if you think about it, isn’t heterosexuality, too?? With all its juices and its nice, slow grinding and its hot and sweaty oh so good nastiness and…sorry about that…I’m back

You can like or dislike homosexuality but you have to respect it b/c if nothing else, all fairness and equality aside, this could be you next!! Its all principle here. If they can isolate a group of people and tell them they can’t do something, whats next?? Who’s next?? People with bacon shaped birthmarks cant vote?? Guys with penises smaller than 5 inches cant buy SUV’s? Support gay marriage if for no reason other than it can be you next…

And yes, that was a slippery slope argument…What you gon’ do about it…

Oh yeah, miss California. If that was the reason she lost, then she deserved to lose. I’m sorry. There was no other reason to end her statement with “the way I was raised…blah blah blah…” She had the perfect answer. I am glad we are in America…blah blah blah we can chose. Apparently, we CANT choose everything, but that’s besides the point. The way you were raised a marriage was between a man and a woman…what??? Oh so that was a fundamental part of your upbringing huh?? “Honey, always remember to say please and thank you, look both ways when you are crossing the street, always wear clean underwear, and marriage is only b/t a man and a woman…” Come on now…and if it were so Christian then why didn’t she mention the Lord or the Bible inher answer?? Hmm?? The next day it was all...”oh she is a Christian this and Christian that…” absent from her statement was guess who: CHRIST(who never said anything about gays btw). That was just her opinion and that’s fine but don’t act like she is some martyr…She chose an improper moment to impart her beliefs. In a job interview, you could say you enjoy kicking puppies off rooftops but why would you say that. It’s the job’s right not to hire you just like its perez hilton’s right NOT to vote for her. She could have very easily not said that last part but she just HAD to impart some judgment and she was summarily judged.

By that same token, Perez Hilton needs to calm the hell down…DAMN bro she aint slap your mama…all b***h this and b***h that wasn’t necessary. You really came out like the bigger man there brother…good job.

Haha, the one person who loves this Miss Cali thing the most is Donald Trump. He loves that people are talking about Miss America again w/out the words “Playboy”and “pictures” involved…And by the way, isn’t Miss North Carolina like Ruben Studdard of Miss America Pagents. She actually won, but we got all this hubbub over Clay aik…er, Miss California.

All of this is beside the point. Miss America is a good way to see pretty women in bathing suits but come on, she is by no means a representative for or of America. How many Americans you know keep a trim bikini line and even own an evening gown let alone walk around the crib in one. Let’s be feasible here…She aint lifting trade embargoes with Cuba or nothing…

I am just waiting for someone to come forward with a steroid allegation like “yeah man I think he’s juicing b/c I was in the shower with him after a game and man his balls are shriveled…”

There is a book about A-rod coming out with anonymous sources accusing him of Steroid use…There is an awful lot at stake here. If you are gonna accuse someone of something that strong and it’s not concerning Presidential theft, you need to be a man and give your name…that’s real Bush Jr. league…

What ever happen to just seeing random ass-whooppings…You know you used to be in your neighborhood or block or local bar and a fight’ll start and you got to see SOMEONE get their ass beat…those were the days…now you just go to funerals…

Most obsurerest sidebar of the second half of an LL post: On a map, doesn’t South Carolina look like North Carolina’s balls??

I heard that Ronald McDonald was caught with performance enhancing drugs, a load of dirty underwear and the Burger king’s head in his trunk…

I wonder how many germs are on a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Is it really news Rick Pitino wants to leave Louisville?? He always wants to leave somewhere. He’d want to leave heaven if the devil had a good enough contract and gave him GM responsibilities…

How to spend a Friday at work by Bruce Eagle:
800-930 Breakfast at desk
930-1015-find something that to do that causes you to walk around...Oh you need some mail dropped off? You need some help with a spreadsheet? My pleasure..

1015-1017-do a little work (“like a boss”)
1017-Noon Page 2 Archives on Espn.com
Noon-145 Lunch
146-245-take a dump
245-300 do a little work
300…well, just leave at 3…

We need Nielsen, Elias, or someone to calculate how many times the words “money” and “sex” have been used in Hip-hop and Rnb the past few months...

Let’s clear the air about something ladies: Men don’t think about sex all the time…if we know where our next sex is coming from…If there is game 7 of the finals on, but a girlfriend wants to get a little freaky…the dude is probably gonna wait until the end of the game and then get it on…He knows its gonna be there. Now if he is single and a woman wants to, well Lakers-Celtics are just gonna have to wait. Think about it. If someone knows where his next meal is coming from he doesn’t think about food so much…Now, if the brother is starving…then well, he’s thinking about pink tacos all day long…

Ahh…double entendres…gotta love em.

How does the easter bunny pay his bills every other time of the year?? I mean he has to have like 135 kids right??? He’s a rabbit…

Did i already say that in an earlier post?? hmm...cant remember...i say so much...

No lie: I was talking to this guy and he was telling me that a guy he knows has so many kids (29 at last count. Christ man CONDOMS!!!) that the judge in family court said it wouldn’t be fair if he couldn’t give child support for all of them. Wow…real talk…

And finally, Happy Mommas day, Mommy…You truly are a saint. The world thanks you for raising me…hahaha

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 4-13-2009

2009-04-13T15:36:00.008-04:00

Hey, you know every time you see accolades for cars its usually some kind of JD Power and associates award Well…who in the hell is JD powers, anyway??? And, why should I respect his opinion…He could be a whino or a Tarheel fan for all I know…

Speaking of that…when a sports team name is plural like the Miami Dolphins or the Tampa bay Bumshanks (panthers fan remember???) and you want to refer to a single fan…is it Bumshanks fan or Bumshank fan???

So grammatically it goes, in a set of two choices there is the former (First choice) and the latter (2nd choice)…Do you ever know anyone who chooses the former? Ever?

There is a comedy troupe named “Lonely Island”(pretty much the parody song guys from SNL) and they have a album out now…The first single is “I’m on a boat” with T-pain. CLASSIC("I'm on a boat mutha f***er don't you ever forget it"…Its actually one of the best parody albums ive ever heard…Its pretty much the ONLY parody album I’ve heard but its still surprisingly hot…not just funny but the songs are good too…Even though “D**K in a box”("see i'm wise enough to know when a gift needs giving...ITS MY DICK IN A BOX!!!") is a joke song, its still one of the best I’ve heard in a min. Good job guys…

I was recently asked by a female friend in frustration: with all women have to go through in life, menstruation, pregnancy and childbirth, and then menopause just for a cherry on top, what do men have deal with???”

My response: women…

Relax, it was just a joke, ladies (kinda…)

It’s pretty cool to be someone who tells jokes all the time…if you ever offend someone you could just play it off as a joke

Who in the hell keeps raising the damn tipping percentages??? Can we vote on this, at least?? And, I am, for better or worse, me, so you know I have to go here: 1) if the waiters don’t set menu prices…what does a percentage of my meal have to do with them…I spend 30 dollars on two drinks and two meals…What’s the outstanding work for that!! 2) If it’s damn near mandatory, why are we still calling it a tip?? I would really shut my mouth about this if it were called a service charge…nah, not really. 3) If you are late with our food and we have to hunt you down for more liquids, why do you still think you deserve a tip??

And, I know someone is gonna say, “I was a waiter in college. I would have starved without the tips!!” Tell me how is that MY fault?? When did the onus of actually paying you become MY problem?? I AINT YOUR BOSS. If I am, then let me get your SSN so I can fill out your W2!!…Don’t get me wrong, ill tip for EXEMPLARY service and even regular service, but damn man supporting you shouldn’t be my responsibility. I am just trying to take my old lady out on the town…

And, ok, I am just gonna come out and say it: you are just walking back and forth…come on…do we tip the cooks? Do we tip the restaurant manager?? There are a lot of people that work harder than a waiter in a restaurant that we are not federally mandated to tip… Hey, I worked in a dish room at a buffet. Did ANYONE come back there a tip us for the abundance of clean plates?? I am just saying…get over yourselves

Relax, it was just a joke, waiters (nah, not really…)

With that last rant, I feel like I am in the first scene of Reservoir Dogs…but hey, it’s called Loquacious Levity…not Original Opinions…on that note: Good look, George Carlin for the format…

Tiger Woods or not: golf is still the worst game on earth…Now, miniature golf on the other hand…CLASSIC…

I’m thinking mini golf is actually harder than “real” golf….now THAT would be a sport…Could you imagine how many tourney’s Phil Mickelson would lose if he had a “windmill” hole to deal with?

Reader note #1: didn't really feel like searching for pics today so i am just using random ones from my harddrive...Likey??

Reader note #2:“...my D**K in a box!!!”

Started watching the Tudors with my “new” lady (yep that’s my story and I am sticking to it) and if this show is factually correct then, Henry the VIII was/is the realest nigga on the planet!!!

By the way, if you are new to this, I wouldn’t advise reading this in one shot…all in moderation

Did you know that a work of art is always supposed to be referred to in the present when discussing existence? You can’t say “Jane Eyre” WAS a boring book…you have to say “The Scarlet Letter” IS a boring book…Once its created, bound and published, it cannot be UNCREATED…gotta love that!!!

I am not even gonna lie…I used to read “Ramona” books for accelerated reader in elementary school…Drew the line at babysitters club though…Sometimes…Hey, you can only read so many Encyclopedia Brown and “Goosebumps” books…

Did you know we are “fighting” a war in Afghanistan, too??? Damn, sure was news to me…Dude, we are, as a nation, like that dude you know that’s got a girlfriend and a few on the side…multiple girls?? Ain’t that the brokest nigga you know??? Two wars…wow…

Explains a lot though…

Turns out that even the Postal service is in need of some fundage…They purchased exorbitant homes for their relocation packages some homes even being in the millions…Dude, stamps are 42 cents and when’s the last time you seen a letter?? Where in the hell did they get that kind of money in the first place…

A lot of colons this LL…I think its apt though with all the literary colon cleansing each paragraph represents…

What I really wanna know is: where the hell did all these pirates come from??...

And, what you know about Edward Teach?!?!

Ok, rethinking it: J.D. Powers IS a pretty cool name. A name that cool I guess I wouldn’t mind him Tarheel or not…And wouldn’t it be one of those names where you would just say the whole thing? Like James bond or a tribe called Quest… “Yo, this is my homeboy, skillet…and this is my manz, J.D. Powers from Lagrange”…Now, his associates…not so much…I don’t know them like that…

To all hip-hop artists out there: haven’t we had enough of the club??

To all radio stations out there: haven’t we had enough of the club??

To all the ladies who can get in free but still don’t go: haven’t we had enough sausagefests of the club (I know that didn’t make sense but I am a slave to symmetry…spelling, grammar, and cohesion?? not so much)??

HA, sausagefests…autocorrect THAT, MS WORD!!!

George Orwell said once, Like Christianity, the biggest argument against socialism is its adherents or something like that…That can SOOOO be said about non-smokers…geez, stop bellyaching…you wanna cigarette…

I decided to quit smoking…excuse me, it was decided that I was going to quit smoking…If it weren’t for Sunny T, I would have NEVER even thought about attempting to discuss thinking about quitting…EVER…I’d been smoking through a hole in my neck dammit…If nothing else, just to spite non-smokers…Plus, I feel bad for tobacco farmers. IS ANYONE THINKING ABOUT THEM!!! Huh, little “Truth” commercial ads?? Hmm, whets gonna happen to them if everyone stops??

I hate those sanctimonious “Truth” commercials…Eww…cigarettes have cyanide in them eww…la-di-dah...well, the air has NITROGEN in it…so what??? …Your mother’s mouth has boric acid in it…

Ok…my bad…I’m nic’ing…I’m cool now…

Ok, Ok…In memoriam: the top five things to smoke a cigarette after…Nah, lets run that back: the top five things that make you wanna smoke…F-it good enough:

5. Eating- What’s better after a fine rib dinner than hitting a sweet heater??? You tell me!!!

4. Drinking- What’s better after 7 or 12 Jack and Coke’s than a succulent bogie?? Just gets ya right here!!!

3. Working out-What’s better after a hard core quadriceps workout than savory menthol?? Oh, it’s just me?? Really?? Wow…

2. Getting ya Marley on…-What’s better after a mah-glific (hahaha that’s word to scoe on that one…again, AUTOCORRECT THAT!!!) Phelps slug than a tender C.I.

1. Coitus-what’s better after a 7.835 minute love session than a budweiser-like, monster burger-esque, cell phone brain cancer-ian, SUV fossil fuel guzzler-like, Prescription drug for anything -like(yeah ran out of suffixes…), wonderful, mellifluous drag on a cigarette???

Well screw it, I’ll just have to find something else…

Bruce Eagle the full metal. SMOKE!!!(just kidding...kinda)

"You can quote me on that"-Friends and Family Edition

2009-04-09T09:29:00.005-04:00

"Women are like the devil with cramps and super powers"
My roommate, your friend and minz, Scoe pontificating on the feminine mystique "

I just want to crawl into a vagina and yell and see if it will echo"
Scoe's girlfriend, Co-founder of Shackle Free Productions, Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock

"There wouldn't be any echo. I assume it would be like yelling into a damp couch"
A suprisingly sober bruce eagle's retort

"Nah, seriously though...nobody likes Maroon Five"
Colton, lead guitar for No Walls, our house band...be on the look out

"I got dogs and if my house ever smells like that...you need to tell me"
Star commenting on why one of our friend's house smells like dog crap

"Yeah I think he's got some dogs in the back though..."
Scoe's response

"Whew, i was HOPING he did...how many does he have? like 200 hundred?"
Bruce eagle's retort

"the dog excreted some kind of oil on me so I had to jettison the bitch"
Bruce eagle on why he had to drop Milanda's apparently terrified chuihahua to the floor[female dog by the way...]

[aside: the following is an excerpt from a BS, forty-five minute meeting me, scoe, and my friend skip(Tyrell Moten) had with a studio we were trying to use for skip in fayetteville...Oh you aint know, outside of being world class bloggers, me and scoe do artist development...dont worry, you will hear all about it soon enough...read on]

[Begin scene: Bruce Eagle, Scoe-says-he, and Skip are sitting in a basement with the water running in some distant corner like there is some japanese koi pond in the back and cockroaches on the floor. The young lads are on the other side of a desk seating a paunchy man with the skin of burnt butter and a young lady whose front teeth resembles the grill on one of dolomite's cadillacs]

"So, me and my partner here are in artist development and we are trying to front a little studio time for my man skip right here...What do you charge"
Bruce Eagle getting straight to the point...

"Yea thats cool and we will show you around the studio in a minute but you know we also do artist development too...you gonna need press kits, websites, etc...we've been doing this for a minute. We even got these artists that have been doing this for 10 years...You may have heard of them...Darkside Camp[Bruce Eagle's thoughts: NOPE NEVER HEARD OF THEM]We got videos and press kits for them all done here[waving a hand about as if we are in grandiose surroundings]
Cadillac mouth's response...

"So, yeah, what that about studio time. When can we record..."
A frustrated Skip's comment, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here is a song from one of our artists from his webpage...All our artist have a webpages...We do all of it right here [again, gesturing around the broken down basement]"
Cadillac mouth continuing her non-relevant diatribe

"I mean, all thats good but if we aint got nothing to give anybody what are we doing...Can we get some rates for studio time??"
A frustrated Skip's retort, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here's one of our artist's track with Blood Raw...have you ever heard of blood raw"
Cadillac mouth continuing her ever lengthening, non-relevant diatribe

"Oh, that's hot as hell right there"
"[No i haven't heard of Blood Raw...I try not to listen to garbage]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what i was ACTUALLY thinking upon hearing the "track"

"So yea we gon be in contact about the artist development...We need gon' need some press kits for our guys..."
Bruce Eagle just trying to get the hell out of there

"Nice Studio"
"[What the hell is this crap...Protools my a$$...]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what he was ACTUALLY thinking upon seeing their "studio"

"Maaaan, them niggas was wack"
Skip's sentiment upon leaving the studio
[End Scene]

"Aww...I think i am going to start rooting for Michigan State for awhile"
Sunny T, tarheel fan and alumnus, commenting on the NCAA Championship drubbing...

"Lay your heeee-yeaaad on my pill-aaargh"
Sunny T singing al green on the toilet

"Grrrarrrrrarrr"
Blake the snake "griffin" Davis...anytime he sees Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock

"You know your cousin's in jail again...guess what he asked me to get him...a color television...talking about going to wal-mart looking at prices...How is he going to use it?..."
My mom telling me about my crazy cousin

-"And, we're taking dumps all over ya faaaaccceee" [oh there's more]
-"Everybody's momma...ooohh ooohh...had to suck a little d***...had to suck a little d***...we might as well admit it..."[nope, not done yet]
-"And, she's licking on my b***s like she likes it...yeah...yeah...yeah...mmm"
Me and scoe just freestyling the sillest things we could think of...

Just a few reason why everyday's a pleasure...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 3.5.2009

2009-03-05T08:17:00.029-05:00

Hey, what the hell is Rush Limbaugh's appeal? I mean are republicans THAT pissed all the time to listen to this blowhard. He's what santa claus would be if he didnt have a heart or a soul...I look at Rush like Bill O'reilly(well slightly, I actually kinda admire O'reilly's balls...when he's not bashing hip-hop that is...). I can't hate him b/c that is EXACTLY what he wants. And, I will not have some fat, pill popping freak of a bastard control my mind. See, no hate at all...

Admiring Bill O'reilly's balls huh...getting this LL started of right!!!...

Do you wonder just how many secret service men are gonna have to follow George Bush? He's gonna have to have that Spartan army on him at all times. Im just saying...You cant really blame one man for all of what we are into but he would be an apt start.

That brings up a good point though: Why aren't more former chief executives(sigh...it feel so good to finally have that man in the FORMER category.) assassinated. They implement policies that last forever or at least for long while. They get to elect, if they are lucky, supreme court justices, forever. Their impact has long reaching affects. Just b/c they are administrative neuters doesn't mean someone aint pissed off they have no home, savings, eldest son or health care. Im suprised someone didnt blow Reagan's ass away as SOOON as he stepped off the lawn...

Random quote #1: "A-fraud", Every publication "cleverly" reporting the Alex rodriguez steroid scandal

A-rod is the perfect example of how we as a public build up to bring down. Ok, so he is the highest paid baseball player ever...Its like that heaps so many things on to him, unfairly...like YOU wouldnt've taken the money too...And just b/c he doesnt have any postseason magic doesnt mean he isn't one of the best baseball players ever...Just b/c he took some steroids doesnt mean he isnt the one of the best baseball players ever...Everybody needs to chill on the steroids thing...Why are you crucifying this man like he is the only one? Like baseball aint been dirty since 1880 something...Like a negative drug test means you AINT on steroids(how many potheads you know pass drug tests...ALOT)...And, what the hell does he have to apologize to US for?

He should've apologized for setting a bad example for the kids and adults who idolize him ...the key word though is "idolize" when ever you worship someone that aint Jesus("who is the master of this house"-How High) they are gonna fall and its gonna seem even worse b/c we put them up so high in the first place...

I tell you what : every player needs to shut his damn mouth about this though...1) there are all these unspoken rules in baseball..dont slide cleat first, if you hit our batter we're hitting yours, etc...what about the one that says don't rat on your fellow players...why are you so adamant about steroids now...you wont saying not a damn thing like 96 and besides, he is your brother. If they can do him like this, dont think for a sec they wont do you like that either...2) do you guys really wanna play against a pissed off A-rod with a chip on his shoulder? He is one of the best to play the game. Steroids or not.

Hey, did anyone ever think we have such a problem with children looking up to spoiled atheletes b/c they see US, grown ups(or "grown up" in my case), looking up to spoiled athletes??

I love those Freecreditreport.com commercials. they are so catchy!!! "...So why am I dressed up like a pirate in this restaurant..." Just can't get 'em out of your damn head is all...

OK, so now we have finally converted to full digital after what had to have been a billion dollar marketing campaign...Does you TV look any better?

Women please stop wearing graphic tees...Its either I am actually trying to read whats on your shirt and come off like a perve...or I am actually trying to look at boobs and got all these words in the way...just stick to sweaters please they are so much easier...

Ok, so maybe Heath Ledger really deserved his Oscar. I just saw the Dark Knight the other day(yeah, need to step my movie game up) and the brother pretty much carried the whole movie. True, the movie pretty much centered on Joker but his perfomance was so layered and masterful that you forget you are watching a actor (which is the point but doesnt happen as often as it should).When he had his first scene it felt an AWFUL like Jack Nicholson but after awhile it morphed into something creepy as hell, kinda scary. Don't get me wrong. I loved the first batman to death. Michael Keaton was the best Bruce Wayne/Batman combo until Bale came along and I love me some Timmy Burton, but he's kinda like Poe with his darkness, sharp but not menacing. This joker and this movie is sinister and brooding. This captures and presents in glorious technicolor the evil which begets more evil yet paradoxically creates heroes. It captures the fickle nature of the populace. It captures my favorite superhero in the light he was supposed to have. Kudos to all and a R.I.P to Heath...

Still think Robert Downey should have got SOMETHING for Tropic Thunder...maybe he can find solace in his coveted "Crying Monkey" award.

You ever notice that every one in history that has preached peace and was becoming reasonably successful with it was murdered, quite violently? Guess I need to change my sig, huh...

"Its all because some hacker stole my identity..." DAMMIT!!!

Hey, say what you want about "octomom" but at least she aint putting out no ugly ass babies for the world to look...can't say that about a LOT of folk...

Dude, seriously though, I love kids like the next man but America's long time fascination with "the children" is starting to get a bit pedophilic...Do we really give a crap about octomom's kids? There are HOMELESS CHILDREN out there. Let's start with them first...

I guess the lesson here is: if something bad or tragic or miraculous happens/happened to you, you better damn well make sure you are photogenic!!

My roommate scoe is a world renowed wrasslin' fan. So, I watch a little from time to time(still not a big fan of watching men in underwear grappling but its something to do b/t foghats...) and I got to wondering: You know how wrestlers come out all greased up and what not? Who does that? It can't be them...Is there an online applicating for that? How do you get that job? Is it like whichever intern brings the wrong coffee has to grease down John Cena...?

Random quote #2: "you put gorgeous george in a bare knuckle boxing match. What did you expect to happen? A grease down and a shiatsu?" Jason Statham "Snatch"

So Terrell Owens got released from the Cowboys. Dude, how much of a arrogant bastard do you have to be to be fired by one of the most arrogant bastards ever?

I dont know about you but I am just worried about the Dallas strip club and sit-up equipment markets now that Pacman and TO are gone...

You heard it here first: "Don't be that guy" will be this millenium's "whoop there it is". 'Member back when that song was out and everyone was using it like puncuation..."Yea, dont be that guy" is gonna be that...get ready for it...

I'm still partial to the always funny "Don't tazer me, bro" but it doesnt always fit...well, unless you're getting tazered of course...then its PERFECT...

Analogy: Michael Steele is to straight up p****y as...nah, nothing like that chump of a RNC chairman...tsk, tsk mike...Ask condoleeza how lying down with dogs will turn out for ya...taking the rap alone...again, tsk tsk...Hope you like your gun and anti-abortion laws when Rush and the rest of the RNC are hanging you out to dry...

Funny thing again though: When another organization is in ruin(and the RNC is in definite ruin) what do they do? Give it to a black man...

You know the phrase "shit rolls down hill", said whenever lower level employees have to take crap from management...WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT PHRASE COME FROM?? Does shit even roll? Mine pretty much sticks to where it is...What the hell do you have to be eating to cause such an intense bowel movement you gotta do it on a hill, like right then and there....and who was at the bottom of the hill and noticed the shit was rolling? Was he astounded? Frightened? We know what rihanna is doing at any given moment but we cant take the time find this out?

Random quote #3: "They use our dung for fertilizer!" Snowball, "Animal Farm"(hahaha read that line in eighth grade and didnt stop giggling until the end of the day...ah much simpler times...)

I sure missed you guy and gal since I been gone...wont take another two months I PROMISE(kinda...)

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Umm about that!!!

Vivid Vignettes: "Hyperbole Aside"

2009-02-23T12:35:00.005-05:00

He took a drink to steel his resolve. "this is going to be hard, " he thought, " the hardest thing I've ever had to do." This was an understatement, of course. Throughout his travels, the slightly jaded, forever engaged man about town that he was, would dabble in any and everything he could. The attempt was to savor life to its fullest. No Fear. No inhibitions. Except, when it came to love. He could jump out of an airplane with no parachute and land safely on guts and heart alone, but he could never bring himself to fully love. Let alone tell anyone he did or even allude to the fact. He had been in love of course. The first time left him jaded and the second left him broken.

So, yes, This was going to be hard for him. Seconds danced with infinity as the the ice in his whiskey(on the rocks always) shifted glacially. Waiters moved like erosion on an old mountain. He could see the sinew in his steak soften. "Jesus, he thought, I sure wish this tympani in my chest would quiet down. Pianissimo, big fella pianissimo." Wit was easy in his head, but then again, his brain wasn't nearly as breathtaking as his companion before him. Not in the first.

"HELL-OH," his companion blurted. "You said you had something to say and then you just went blank." Damn, he thought she would just let it go when the waiter brought her duck with cranberries. But, no, the spitfire pressed on. She was going to make him say this. Wasn't she? Couldn't she see in his eyes that his love for her stretched to an infant star whose light had yet to reach earth. Didn't she feel, telepathically, the longing and need when he was away from her; the permanence of passion; the ubiquitous yearning. Simply, she was his drug. He would have to climb Everest in mammoth skin to reach the height and warmth of her being and her presence. Why couldn't she just SEE it. Why did he have to SAY it. Words come a dime a dozen and are worth about as much as a teet with no nipple in the face of action. Action. That was no problem. It was the words. It was the risk that she would break him again, leaving the jumper with no parachute, guts, or heart as he plummeted back down from Everest.

It was worth the risk. The only risk he thought twice about. She made him kiss the sky and savor the vapor as he flew. She was his atmosphere when there was no air. She was his earth when he was unstable. She was his water when the aridness of a single life parched the skin. She was his..."Ahhh, I hate it when you do that. Stop stalling and tell me, " she spoke, interrupting the reverie. He needed one last sip; the fire of the liquor started a furnace inside him. It raged in him like the fury of an unruly sea, like a petulant child deprived of his candy filling his void of courage. Say it, you bastard. Just say it, he thought. "I know I've said a lot of things to you in our time together half of it bull and the other half shit, but hyperbole aside my dear, I..."

"You can quote me on that"-Family and Friends Edition

2009-02-16T18:55:00.004-05:00

"Women are like the devil with cramps and super powers"
My roommate, your friend and mine Scoe pontificating on the feminine mystique

"I just want to crawl into a vagina and yell and see if it will echo"
Scoe's girlfriend, Co-founder of Shackle Free Productions, Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock

"There wouldn't be any echo. I assume its like yelling into a damp couch"
A suprisingly sober bruce eagle's retort

"Nah, seriously though...nobody likes Maroon Five"
Colton, lead guitar for No Walls

"I got dogs and if my house ever smells like that...you need to tell me"
Star commenting on why one of our friend's house smells like dog crap

"Yeah I think he's got some dogs in the back though..."
Scoe's response

"Whew, i was HOPING he did...how many does he have? like 200 hundred?"
Bruce eagle's retort

"the dog excreted some kind of oil on me so I had to jettison the bitch"
Bruce eagle on why he had to drop Milanda's apparently terrified chuihahua

[aside: the following is an excerpt from a BS, forty-five minute meeting me, scoe, and my friend skip had with a studio we were trying to use for skip in fayetteville...Oh you aint know, outside of being world class bloggers, me and scoe do artist development...dont worry you will hear all about it soon enough...read on]

[Begin scene: Bruce Eagle, Scoe-says-he, and Skip are sitting in a basement with the water running in some distant corner of the basement and cockroaches on the floor. The young lads are on the other side of a desk seating a paunchy man with the skin of burnt butter and a young lady whose front teeth resembles the grill on one of dolomite's cadillacs]

"So, me and my partner here are in artist development and we are trying to front a little studio time for my man skip right here...What are your rates"
Bruce Eagle getting straight to the point...

"Yea thats cool and we will show you around the studio in a minute but you know we also do artist development too...you gonna need press kits, websites, etc...we've been doing this for a minute. We even got these artists that have been doing this for 10 years...You may have heard of them..."Darkside Camp"[Bruce Eagle's thoughts: NOPE NEVER HEARD OF THEM]We got videos and press kits for them all done here[waving a hand about as if we are in grandiose surroundings]
Cadillac mouth's response...

"So, yeah, what that about studio time. When can we record..."
A frustrated Skip's retort, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here is a song from one of our artists from his webpage...All our artist have a webpages...We do all of it right here [again, gesturing around the broken down basement]"
Cadillac mouth continuing her non-relevant diatribe

"I mean, all thats good but if we aint got nothing to give anybody what are we doing...Can we get some rates for studio time??"
A frustrated Skip's retort, trying his damnest to be calm

"Here's one of our artist's track with Blood Raw...have you ever heard of blood raw"
Cadillac mouth continuing her ever lengthening, non-relevant diatribe

"Oh, that's hot as hell right there"

"[No i haven't heard of Blood Raw...I try not to listen to garbage]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what i was ACTUALLY thinking upon hearing the "track"

"So yea we gon be in contact about the artist development...We need gon' need some press kits for our guys..."
Bruce Eagle just trying to get the hell out of there

"Nice Studio"

"[What the hell is this crap...Protools my ass...]"
Bruce Eagle's spoken sentence and what i was ACTUALLY thinking upon seeing their "studio"

"Maaaan, them niggas was wack"
Skip's sentiment upon leaving the studio
[End Scene]

"Aww...I think i am going to start rooting for Michigan State for awhile"
Sunny T, tarheel fan and alumnus, commenting on the NCAA Championship drubbing...

"Lay your heeee-yeaaad on my pill-aaargh"
Sunny T singing al green on the toilet

"Grrrarrrrrarrr"
Blake the snake "griffin" Davis...anytime he sees Shayla "ladies and gentlemen, Shayla Mutha-flurbing Peacock" Peacock

"You know your cousin's in jail again...guess what he asked me to get him...a color television...talking about going to wal-mart about prices...How is he going to use it?..."
My mom telling me about my crazy cousin

"And, were taking dumps all over ya faaaaccceee" [oh there's more]

"Everybody's momma...ooohh ooohh...had to suck a little d***...had to suck a little d***...we might as well admit it..."[nope, not done yet]

"And, she's licking on my b***s like she likes it...yeah...yeah...yeah...mmm"
Me and scoe just freestyling the sillest things we could think of...

Just a few reason why everyday's a pleasure...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 1-9-2009

2009-01-09T10:56:00.016-05:00

YOOO!!! Merry New Year People. YA BOY IS BACK!!! How have the first 9 days been treating you?

Hey, Um I dont know if you are aware of this but: There is a African-American President elect...Don't know how you get you information with out LL but yea...

Is there a female equivalent to "blue balls"? Pink ovaries? Or would it be Red Pads??

Need a loan? I suggest you start an automobile company or bank and run that mutha straight into the ground...I think that'll do the trick...

I don't think Oedipus was so bad...Maybe the brother just had a hot mom...and as far as killing his pops...how do YOU get rid of Your competition...Seems pretty efficient to me...

Obscure Tangent #1(technically every paragraph is but hey): I dont know about you but I would have Loved to be the officers giving Charles Barkley his sobriety test before he got arrested for his DUI recently. He was probably walking in a crooked line talking crap about how the officer needs to shut up and work on his pepper spray fundamentals...

How can a game be called a neutral site game(BCS Championship game, Tampa) when one of the teams is from that same STATE...Oklahoma probably still would have gotten beat b/c Tebow is just too much of a threat(you put a QB spy on him and he throws to a reciever; drop more men in coverage he just runs again) add that with a defense with the speed of the Flash on amphetimines and well you get an L for the opponents...still doesnt seem fair though...Oh, we may need to think about some Counsel or therapy for OU fans. THATS FIVE STRAIGHT BCS losses for the burgandy bandits...Jee-bus what in the hell does Stoopes have to do to get fired? Slap Moses?

Peep the subtle reverse racism: When a black quarterback can run and is moderately accurate, then THAT brother is the #1 pick, but when a white quaterback(Tebow) does it, that w-other gets "oh he'll never make it in the NFL as a quarterback..."...Hey, WHITE FOLKS CAN RUN TOO...just b/c white running backs and recievers are about as common as a hookers without herpes...that doesn't mean they can't be athletic...

Hookers Without Herpes...hmm, wouldnt that be a good name for an Indie Rock group...

Between Jasmine Sullivan's "I bust the windows out your car"(oh word, I bust the teeth out of your face...not saying I condone that but umm...messing with a man's car isnt exactly the best way to get a brother to act rationally) and Beyonce talking about "did i mention, don't pay him any attention(oook...B but that nigga is over there massaging a cat like Dr. Claw, laughing maniacally and twirling a live hand grenade...Kinda hard NOT to notice him), somebody's relationship is gonna end in murder...I'm just saying ladies...niggas are crazy!!!

Oh, btw TROPIC THUNDER MAYBE THE FUNNIEST MOVIE SINCE ANCHORMAN...If Robert Downey, Jr. doesnt get an Oscar for that, I will lose faith in humanity. How can you be in the 2008 equivalent to blackface and STILL get a laugh out of black folk...The movie was funny all the way through(you know how comedies eventually stop being funny and start trying to tell a story...) and poked fun at Nelly...Gotta love that!

Apparently, Obama is already meeting opposition from various interest groups...The Feminists(or pre-lesbians as I like to call 'em...nah, j/k ladies...kinda) say he is already going back on promises and the Gays are like he never really cared b/c he's recruited Rick Warren to do his invocation...Really, guys? The brother aint even PRESIDENT YET!!! Jeee-buss!!!, its gonna be an interesting 4 years, I tell you what(tm Hank Hill)...I dont care how the next 4 years go, quite frankly. Just seeing white folk trying to hide their fear and disappointment the next day was WELL worth it...even though black folk probably would have rioted if we lost...Shoot I know brothers that were like "i HOPE this nigga loses...I need a new TV!"

I wonder what the temperature of a fat man's fart in a sauna would be? 175 degrees? 273?

I am convinced that the country will NEVER be truly happy until we get a BCS Playoff in place...You know until its actually in place and we bitch about that too...Screw economic solvency and unemployment rates!!!

Seriously though, why are people asking OBAMA to change the BCS? Why do we even care? Have these people seen a paper lately?

Actually, with all these newspapers folding, probably not ...

Gas is back below 2 bones(Thank ya, Jee-Bus!!!)...So all that conservation crap I was talking a few months back...SCREW IT. If OPEC can cut oil production and gas drops, then apparently we must have enough to spare. Hey, stock market speculators are pretty spot on so that MUST be the reason...Look at how they predicted the housing crash!!

How many of your new years resolutions did you end up keeping for 2008? I was at about a .5 success rate...And, nine days in, '09 resolutions aint looking to be kept either...

True Story: So, this man gives his wife his kidney. Nothing out of the ordinary. Generally want to keep your wife alive, right? However, it turns out she ran around on this man and they end up getting divorce. The brother wants his kidney back or the cash equivalent. HAHAHA YOU GO BOY!!! I hope he wins! Divorce laws are biased towards men(true we're usually the ones f-ing up but still it aint right). Plus, it will set a HELL of a precedent. Sure, you can get custody of the kids, but i want custody of your organs, BEE-YOTCH!!! or the cash equivalent of my heart you ripped and stepped on...

Homeboy is better than me though...F the cash equivalent. Give me my damn kidney back!!! I wouldnt even have it reinstalled in my lower back...I'd just keep it in a jar and send her pictures of it every month like " how's your urinary system!!!"

Of course, this man could've been an asshole with one good deed in his whole life...most likely...Still pulling for ya though, bruh!

Obsure tangent #2: How in the hell could ANYbody deny the Holocaust? Really? "Hey man, 6 million people just got on trains for a friendly trip. That's all. Just because you never heard anything from the majority of them again doesn't mean they just up and disappeared. Not to mention the pollution in Germany was just really bad at the time. That was in NO way the ash of human flesh" Wow, the mind can convince itself of anything. ..

Whoopi Goldberg is sexy as hell!! Pot is a dangerous drug and detriment to society as a whole!! Trickle down economics work!! Ok, so maybe not all the time

It must suck to be a sports talk radio host sometimes...Its one of those jobs that everyone with a voice box thinks he/she could do. Many great jobs are like that(acting, rapping, etc) but that is the only one where people can call you and actually tell you about it...

Another time travel fantasy: I want to go back in just spy on some of this hallowed atheletes of the past. Like the only one we really hear that was a straight bastard was Ty Cobb and that's only b/c that nigga was epic! Most athletes of today that AREN'T named Adam "Pacman" Jones are getting into trouble that we all get into from time to time. You get caught slipping with a little too much alcohol or pot...you have a few too many babies out of wedlock...you know, the usual. Then, come the media talking "oh these athletes today are out of control" The egos yes, but its not just them. We are ALL out of control...its just that everyone doesnt have a camera on them all the time...You would probably see things infinitely more evil than what some of these athletes do if you follow the average person around. I bet if you followed Jonny Unitas around all the time, he would F up too...

Now that we gonna have a black president(lets hope.. its a long 12 days from now), can we put an end to the "nigga" thing? It is now officially ok for white folks to use "nigga" in the colloquial sense . To tell the truth, we always knew when white folks meant it as a slang term. We just really had nothing else to hold over you. And, the slavery thing was getting a little old...That is not to say saying NIGGER wont get you an old fashioned AW...Still, might wanna hold off on that one...still too soon

Someone had the NERVE, the UNMITIGTED GALL, the BRASS BALLS, to even insinuate that SLASH from Guns 'n' Roses made the group legendary. Granted, "November Rain" nor "Estranged"nor "Welcome to the Jungle" would have been epic without slash's GHEE-TAR solos, but lets be feasible here...I like curly-haired Jewish guitarists like the next man, but THIS IS AXEL FUCKING ROSE we are talking about here...I just dont buy...especially if its the new album...If axel is on the mic and he doesnt rock, that would ruin a GREAT childhood mancrush...ON that note...

The five best lead singers of a rock band...

5. Anthony Kedis-Wow Kedis ROCKS!!! He is to this day the only rocker who dropped heroin and got BETTER...and the brother can sing, never wears a shirt, and has probably the most kick-ass tattoo covering his back...If that ain't rock and roll, I dont know what is...

4. Scott Weiland-And a close second for the guy who got better when he dropped heroin...it was touch and go there for a minute, but he has found new life with "Velvet Revolver"and I am happy for him...I still think Stone Temple Pilots had the BEST MTV's Unplugged album ever. Jee-bus the acoustic version of "Plush" will change your life...

3. Kurt Kobain-Nirvana's songs were like 4 minute fever dreams with nothing really making sense(well, to me anyway), but it did not matter in the first. The pure angst in the words and the pain in his voice made every song an adventure. In a paradox, the same pain that made his voice great swallowed him whole. As is often the case, the weight of genius only benefits the populace, not the carrier...

2. Robert Plant-I know, I know...I just de-legitimized my little countdown by putting one of the greatest rock singers ever at number 2. This man is awesome, just awesome. You wanna know how to sing the blues? Listen to "Since I've been loving you" You wanna know how to wail? Listen to "The Rain Song". Its just hard to quantify his raw ethos on the mic. The man just makes me feel something with every song. My mind is mere putty. Mold me Robbie!!! I just can't give him number one for 2 reasons...2)Even though he made it his own, he just kinda copied american rhythm and blues and of course, literally the number 1 reason is :

(1) Axel Fucking Rose-Come on now, man crush!!!

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

You can quote me on that

2008-11-12T12:30:00.009-05:00

"I am starting to like rap sometimes...but not all the time. Sometimes its just another nigga talking to me that ain't listening"-CP on her budding rap affinity

"Seriously, John did you really think you were going to win"-A campaign manager speaking to a dejected Johm McCain on Election night

"Dee-bah-dum-da...La-di-la-doba-dah-da"...Stan getz "Acqua di Marco(or at least thats what i THINK they are saying...appears to be portuguese)

"Give it to Mikey..."-Molly, jailhouse pimp(ok gonna stop with the Vick in jail jokes they are derivative and trite, regardless to their hilarity)

"No, I don't want to do Playboy...yet"-Sarah Palin weighing her options with her agent

"...you know I've always hated you"-my friend scoe after I knocked over the ashtray...again

"...that don't mean we gonna be having bbq's on the white house lawn every week"-Michael Basden on Obama getting elected

"Remind me how having a brown man in office with an arabic last name is going to INCREASE terror attacks from brown people with arabic last names"-Bruce eagle

"Jesus, I wish these ho's would back up off my MAN"-Michelle Obama, first lady elect

"Its like the OJ trial all over again. Black folks are way TOO happy and white folks are way TOO sad"-My pops on the Obama election

"Seriously, I am so out of date. I'm like Strom Thurman reading poor richards almanac with a vitrola playing in the background. Even I can see THAT"-The 2nd amendment

"Yes, my name is busty mcclure and I am calling about a workers comp claim....UM, yes I lost the use of my right eye in a botched teabagging scene"-Excerpt from a call to AFLAC

"Aaaahhh yeah. I got something to tell you all...umm...About Genesis. Umm...well, it WAS actually SUPPOSED to be Adam and Steve in the bible. My bad, I just caught it...UH-HUH...Jesus Christ, give me a break here. YOU try holding an ever expanding void together with your bare hands...ITS A VOID...Besides its not like it did any harm...It's not like you guys are taking those stories and parables literally or something...oh you are, huh? Well who in the hell told you to do THAT, sure wasnt me"-GOD

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

"We don't believe you...

2008-10-31T10:04:00.014-04:00

you need more people." Jay-Z

Max Payne as a viable form of entertainment...sorry, you need more people...(Jesus, that movie was awful...Maybe, I didn't get it b/c i didn't really play the ga...nah it was just terrible)

Barack Obama's "redistribution of wealth" line of political theory as socialism...sorry you need more people.(Yes, redistribution of wealth is a tenet of socialism, hence, the SOCIAL part of the "ism", but its not totally socialism. We are not totally capitalist, either. If that were so then AMTRAK wouldn't be owned and operated by the government. No one nation operates purely in one economic theory. Its usually a mix. And besides, what is so damn bad about THAT...how do you think the wealthy get wealthy? hmm? they perform or sell a service or goods(well the legal ones anyway) and we, the public, pay for it. Now, when tax time comes around, the execs and the company itself are taxed easier relative to income than the people who helped make the company and the execs rich. How is that fair? What Obama wants to do is tax the people with the most money MORE and tax the common folk less relative to income, thereby compromising so that the government can makes its money, we commoners can keep ours, and those who can AFFORD it make the bill. Now, if this does happen we will have to make sure that the money is going back into the economy and not some politicians pocket but we'll have to cross that when we come to it).

The past 8 years have been the new millennium...sorry you need more people(between the rapidly growing disparity b/t the rich and the poor, the rampant use prescription drugs and Ecstasy(the explosion of crack), a very evil president and cabinet(Reagan administration), and a stock market crash, you can't tell me the last 8 years haven't been the 80's. Could've fooled me)

Arby's...sorry you need more people...(come the hell on now, Arbys. Are you serious? Who in the hell needs that much roast beef?)

KFC as a franchise...sorry you need more people...(No, no no...KFC is not a franchise. They are cold blooded bastards...First we had that melange of arterial blockery with that meal bowl and now they are passing out that Sampler box filled to the brim with stroke fodder. Seriously, doesn't KFC know who they are dealing with? We are Amercians, for Christ Sakes. You put that much food in front of us we are going to eat it! All of it. KFC needs to realize their responsibility and stop giving us so much delicious savory good-oh-so goodness b/f we eat ourselves to death. And do something about that nasty ass gravy, too...on that note...)

White gravy...sorry you need more people...(WRAPS!!! Gravy is soul brother brown...you can kill that white gravy noise. Dang, cant we have anything as a people without white folks taking it? First you take our music and now you take our gravy? Well, I am taking a stand: NO MORE WHITE GRAVY!!! Petition at your local CRACKER Barrell...)

Max payne as a viable form of entertainment...sorry, you need more people. (Um... yeah its that bad...)

People that want the game of baseball to stay the same...sorry you need more people(Come on y'all you don't think baseball needs a little tweaking every now and then? It's 150 years old. We even change the damn constitution more than we change Baseball. What else has stayed the same for the last 100 years other than racism and American flag? You can talk to an elderly dementia patient and they will tell you how they still hate the DH rule. Its like you can't touch baseball at all. If you say, "hey maybe we should cut back on the approximately 185 thousand games you play a season." You get aback, "no, no no..." I just don't understand it.)

Inspirational Black/white movies as a good idea...sorry you need more people...(Ok, we get it. White folks use to ban black athletes...Black athletes just wanted to play...Black neighborhoods got a much needed boost in confidence and the spirits of an entire race were lifted by that one shot or home run or touchdown catch...Inner City schools are rough...White people cant dance and black people can...Urban youth just need someone who cares...blah blah blah, we get it. Enough already)

Frank Caliendo as a comedic genius...sorry you need more people(I just don't...I just hate this man and I can't even explain it...)

Li'l Wayne as a lyricist of the year nominee...sorry you need more people(come on now...I like wayne songs like the next man, but the negro spent the last 7 mths or so...sighing and speaking unintelligibly. How in the hell are the histrionics lyricism? Entertainer of the year, YES but not lyricist. Niggas, please. NAS needs lyricist of the year for the "Untitled" album. He made an album we needed to hear not wanted to hear. )

Republicans are doing all they can to win this election...sorry you need more people(I am convinced now. The repubs are throwing this election. Its like they are not even trying. The strategy is just awful. The candidates in the primary this year were just awful. And, Sarah Palin. Really? This is the best you can find? She is cute and all, but she ain't that damn cute to get away with being that damn stupid. This is not the repub political machine I am used to. They are treating this like a CLASS president election...)

Iraq has weapons of mass destruction...sorry you need more people(I know I know, it's been proven that they didn't have so much, as chris rock would say, a wiffle ball bat, but I can't let that shit go. EVER. We got gassed and manipulated so hard you would have thought we were a fledgling rap star or something. I reiterate: HOW DO YOU NOT GET IMPEACHED FOR THAT CRAP?On that note...)

Those who believe a soldier is a soldier...sorry you need more people(No, a soldier is not a soldier. A soldier is a HUMAN BEING. Try this: instead of saying over 3500 soldiers have died in the Iraq war, say over 3500 people have died. Doesn't that sound much worse? We look at our soldiers as employees which, to a certain extent, is correct, but what other employee has to go that far beyond the call of duty? Died for FedEx lately? People get up in arms about protesting a war like its disrespecting the troops. NO, this isn't the 70's. Yes, it did get a bit out of hand during the 70's like it was the soldier's fault we were in Vietnam, but not now. And, if you haven't done so just thank a soldier for doing what I and probably you too are too scared to do. But, how about we REALLY respect our troops and send them to fight and win a war that MATTERS? How's that for respect: Dying for a good cause and not for some Geo-economic bullshit. on that note...)

People who say soldiers are dying to protect our freedom...sorry you need more people(Really, who in the hell is threatening our freedoms anyway? Our freedom to be as fat as we want, our freedom to be as greedy as we want, our freedom to carry guns that could take out an aircraft. No, those are safe. Now, I will admit that our freedom to make a living wage, our freedom to have or not have a kid, our freedom to be intoxicated by anything we damn well please, our freedom to have a private phone conversation, our freedom to properly elect a president is being threatened, but by our own government, not any foreign entity. You wanna fight? Fight the branches of government who have quietly been taking our REAL freedoms for decades now. A soldier has not died on foreign soil to "protect our freedoms" since the second World War.)

Bruce Eagle will lose a quarter of his material after this administration...sorry you..actually I will. This last 8 years may have been a rubric for efficient human rights violations, but it has also been a boon for us bloggers. What in the hell are we going to do after this administration? Man, I feel like frank caliendo here...well, at least I can spend more time talking about farts and boobies so maybe its not all bad...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

"Out Damned Spot!"

2008-10-30T09:29:00.012-04:00

Shakespeare and I haven't really gotten along since we were introduced about, oh, 10 years ago in high school. I don't think his prose is all that special. He's just got the benefit of obsolescent language, which makes it harder to understand thereby giving an esoteric feel to something that, at the time of its creation, was common language. Shakespeare wrote for generally uneducated masses, but he has some of the most timeless topics and issues in his plays and sonnets. He has a sonnet that pretty much reams his old lady a new one for about 14 lines, but the last two are pretty much "she's all I got and I love her so the other crap doesn't matter." Isn't that relationships in a nutshell? Your partner says and does some of the dumbest crap this side of a Texas Air Guard deserter, but at the end of the day, that person makes you happy so nothing else matters in the grand scheme of things.

Nowhere in Shakespeare's writing are the concepts as timeless as his tragedies because Ipod, walkman, phonograph, to traveling minstrel to any other advance or change throughout history, the one constant is tragedy. In each of these tragedies, there is a tragic hero, our protagonist, if you will (if I sound too 11th grade English, just bear with me. There is going to be a point in here somewhere). Some poor smhuck is going to fall victim to one of the timeless pitfalls of humanity. Zealotry (Macbeth), Lovesickness/Heartbreak (Marc Antony), Greed (Lady Macbeth), Treachery from those you thought were your friends (Othello), the Pit falls of being on top/treachery (Hamlet). In essence, Greed and treachery. And, what defines the human experience quite like greed and treachery.

In all of the Shakespeare tragedies, the tragic hero is ALWAYS warned of dangers to come. It's just this danger is usually delivered by a fool, drunkard, witch, hobo, vagabond, hoser, leper, or Cubs fan, which is then summarily tossed aside by the tragic hero. Bad move. ALWAYS. The most important note about this is that the advice/admonishment is ALWAYS dead on. This is a hard fact of life. Many times advice or warnings are shrugged off because the source isn't cool enough or fly enough or wizened enough or old enough or young enough. Think about this: How many times were your parents EXACTLY right when giving advice about life? Advice you didn’t listen to but ultimately should've.

It doesn't matter where the knowledge comes from as long as it comes. The medium by which information is delivered IS NOT more important than the information itself. Where, as a people, did we get to the point that if our information does not come from a flashy format we do not take it as valid? We are thinking with our eyes and not our mind. If Gabrielle union is wearing a trash bag, at the end of the day, isn’t she still gabby freaking union? This is not to say that you should be getting your medical advice from the guy outside the liquor store or legal advice from the neighbor's drunk uncle, but at least take the time to process the information before you write it off. Look at it like the difference between cigar and cigarette smoke. Cigarette smoke is inhaled (swallowed) while cigar smoke is exhaled without fully swallowing the smoke.

Take in all information you recieve at first. Roll it around a bit. Research it if you deem necessary. If it isn't a complete load of horse hockey, then swallow it down. If its hot gah-bage, spit it back. Ask the right questions. Challenge people. "Hey, a snot rocket to the eye socket doesn't sound like it will cure cancer." "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t think we should give folks who just lost billions of dollars more billions and think its going to be alright." But, give it a chance first. Just because a republican said it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Just because a democrat said it doesn’t make it Gospel and vice versa depending on your affiliation.

The main point in all of this is thinking. Proper assessment of the validity of what you are being told requires thought. Is it cigarette or cigar smoke? Holy or hockey? If you think about it, does knowing a person that did something wrong 25-30 years ago mean that you are prone to doing the same thing? Does the fact that a man befriends a plumber mean he cares about the working class? Does the fact that a man is black mean the same thing? Does the fact that a person voted against Martin Luther King Day in his state mean he is racist.

Correlation is not causation. At first glance, the answer to all those questions would be yes; however upon further investigation, they are empty questions and the answers prove absolutely nothing about future events. Its election year with the big day soon at hand and you will hear a WHOLE lot of erroneous, loosely analogous accusations that at first thought sound reasonable, but don't hold water upon further inspection.

Let us think America, for once. You know the reason that the framers of the constitution didn't put the election of the president directly in the people's hands: they said we were fickle and seldom knew what we wanted. This election is TOO important for us to be lollygagging around talking about plumbers and preachers. We need to clean up our economy. We need to mend fences with the entire world. So black folk, I want a black man as president as much as any other brother, but if you don’t feel he is capable, then please don't vote for him. White folk, don’t vote for him b/c he has the right amount of grey hair or he LOVES the working man (really? really? what in the hell about repub's, would lead ANYONE to believe they are for the common man? What is the last thing repub's did for the common man? Free the slaves? Damn, I wanted to write this straight up, but come on! We are not even trying here.) or because he is white.

I am not telling you who to vote for. I am telling you what to do before you walk into that booth. Think, really think, about what you feel is important and which candidate gives it to you. If you love health care but hate black people, vote for Barack! If you like the status quo and feel we shouldn't change power during an unstable economy, but you hate women, go ahead a vote for McCain. It’s the MOST important thing to you. I hate broccoli but if a brother was starving you can cool believe I am eating the damn broccoli. And, ladies and gentlemen this country is starving.

We can do this America! We were manipulated. We were scared and mislead the last 8 years with fake terror "plots" and the like, but it’s never too late to change. Please vote for the right reasons. Reasons that matter to our NATION as a whole not just you, because that is what is at stake. Our National infrastructure, Our Future. Black, White, Hispanic, or Jedi, let's get it right. To have another 4-8 years like the preceding ones would be, well, tragic.

Sincerely, A.B.F.

Loquacious Levity 10-15-2008

2008-10-15T15:50:00.010-04:00

Hey, Did you know that in February 2009 that cable is switching to digital? So, if you have an analog box or a t.v. with rabbit ears...

So, How bout those Yankees...hahaha, i guess Torre was your good luck charm...

Have you ever went out drinking on Thursday night and got hammered and the only way you can remember what happened is through sudden flashbacks like the dude from Memento? So you are at your computer at work the next day and all of a sudden its…OH MY GOD, I peed my pants last night…No? Me neither…

Here let me have a minute with my man Juice…Orenthal James SIMPSON…What the in the flying fuck at a rolling donut(big ups to Vonnegut for that one) is wrong with you!!!! YOU LET THEM GET YOU …Damn, juice we all know you did it. That aint the point. The point was it was so obvious that you did it and GOT away with it…All the lynchings, all the violations of due process black folk had to deal with for centuries and we had finally got one over after all these years!!!…Juice you didn’t win that for you. YOU WON IT FOR US… …And you let them get you anyway…Its not for murder true, some b.s. theft and kidnapping charge…but THEY GOT YOU nonetheless…Fuck it, Juice. I am through with you…

Foreshadowing: Baaaaaa....only sorry you got c-aaaaaaa-aught

Is it just me or has McCain's campaign been immensely unrepublican? I dont mean that its not with out that subtle classist and racist undertone, but where the hell is the political savvy? Say what you want about the Repubs, but those are some political animals...Had us wrapped around their finger for 8 years...oh and lets not even talk about the 80's and the early 90's...Not that I mind this one bit, but i feel like we are being slighted. Like the democrats are beating up on the Republicans, but its like beating the patriots with out tom brady...Phyrric. This victory will be tarnished(and there is sufficient enough time to f-this one up too, but its looking good). Never thought i'd acutally miss Karl Rove...he was a political bad-ass...

Did I just call Karl Rove a bad-ass?…wow

For the sake of appearances, literally and figuratively, shouldn't John McCain just drop out of the election? This is the best looking election, well, ever. All the candidates but him are good-looking (no homo). McCain is lowering the beauty quotient...substantially

Theoretically, if guys are going to give the "no homo" if they even allude to the fact that another man might be handsome, shouldn't the same thing go for when they say a nucca is ass-ugly? You are still judging a man…

It only took one of the most laughable caricatures of a politician in Sarah Palin to bring glory back SNL. Its like its Dan quayle all over again...POTATOS!!!!

OH MY GOD, I got shot down by a lady with a mustache and musty armpits…

Hey, isn't Frank caliendo going to lose a good third of his act when President B...oh my bad, the soon to be former chief executive who shall remain nameless in this blog (ahh, thats better) steps down(technically, he never really built a platform so I dont know what he would step down from. Ba-dum-ching!! Thank you thank you…). He better hope John Madden lives forever...

You ever just get the feeling that one day you'll wake up and its the first day of Kindergarten? I don’t know if that would suck or not...On one hand you really get to start over and really make a killing on Super Bowl bets, but damn you would have to do everything over again...

And, that would be a really long dream...

OH on that note, will people stop getting so out done over “god damn it” Its not cursing at God, its asking God to curse something…I admit it sounds a bit harsh, but there is no better phrase for being stuck in traffic, getting the wrong food after you drive away from the drive thru, getting out the frustrations at work, or when Steve Smith drops a pass that bastard should have caught…I mean, it was right in your hands, its was a crisp pass and you dropped it…we could have gotten back into the game you bum…GODDAMN IT!!! See? (seriously though, Steve smith is so nice on the field, I would marry his hands if I could…)

No homo, btw…

What if we are as smart as we are ever going to be as infants? The only thing we are missing is speech. It would appear that all evidence in adults substantiates the claim...

How in the hell do we know we only use 10% of our brains. Isnt it our brain that’s telling us that? How do we even know the other 90% is useable? It could just be the biological equivalent of packaging Styrofoam…

I don’t know, man…F-it, Juice…Ima stick with you…I can’t stay mad at you…You were Norberg for Christs Sake…

Aren't all questions answered by rhetoric rhetorical questions?

OH MY GOD, I sung Everybody Hurts at Karaoke last night and cried so much I couldn’t finish the song…

People say don't waste your breath, but we dont know how many breathes we get...Shoot if I live to 100(doubt that, either the 'Ports or the man's or some pissed off badger’s (don't even ask) gonna do me in), what's a few breaths here and there...I think St. Peter does some accounting when you reach the gates anyway. Like he sees you gave some breath to charity here...someone owed you some breath there...and he sends you back for a few more months to get those breathes back...

Whenever you see a depiction of heaven, there is always a line...I like the metaphor because everyone wants to get to heaven, but one would think the most perfect place in existence would be more efficient...Hey, maybe there's beauracracy even there...Like you have to have Peter sign you in, then you go to another line where Jesus has to sign take your...ahh, f-it, you get the point...

Hey, what if every religion gets a heaven...I wonder would a buddist heaven have a buffet with buddah ladeling out clear broth and salisbury steak...

Word Power: Smollette- noun (SMOW-let), the situation that arises when person’s finger breaks through the toilet paper and slids into the anus…

I am still trying to figure out if Keanu Reeves can act. I mean, what if the back story for every character he’s ever played is a guy who flunked out of acting school? Even Neo (that’s why he had to work in that office, cus he didn’t make it as an actor)…If that’s true, then he is a genius!!!!

I could have sworn Rihanna could sing. She ripped that "Unfaithful" track she had a while back. I mean, she won’t no Whitney in her prime but who is? Jeeezus, now she sounds like a sheep doing a Keith Sweat impersonation.

What is it about male feces that just makes it stick to the bottom of our underwear (It happens to us all...Don't EVEN front)...I think it’s the high beef content...

Am I the only one that wants the steroid era in baseball back?

ok...ok...The top five things that need to stop right f-ing now...

5. The Voicebox in music-Guys it was pretty cool at first. It had an eighties throwback feel to it and Kanye's verse on that "Put on" wouldn't be as hot with out it("I put ooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnn), but does it really need to be in every song now? Everything in moderation people...

4. The skinny jeans on men-Word, so you mean to tell me all this time I could have been wearing straight leg jeans? I dissed Lee jeans all this time for nothing! F-THAT...and put a few more inches on that waistseam homie...I can see your unborn babies...

3. Women that think all they have to offer in a relationship is poon-Ok I am willing to concede that some of this is due to men's overvaluing of vagina...and us paying exorbitantly to get it(yes, TI it IS tricking if you got it, cus you tricking her into thinking that poon is all she has to offer). I mean, most women my age don’t even know how to cook that well (hey did that read as 1950’s as it sounded in my head?) They go out to party with no money (the cute ones anyway). They dont pay bills...hold up…that’s a pretty sweet gig now that I think about it...shoot, ladies I cant even hate...ok so...

3. Gas stations with no Gas-so your primary function is to provide gas right...so WHY THE HELL AINT YOU GOT ANY...? Wow, man...10 years ago if you would have told me I could go to exxon for gas and there wouldnt be any...wow...does this scare the shit out of anyone but me? They dont call 'em fossil fuels, cus they make ugly ass watches...Once its gone...well, you know the rest

2. Baseball taking its sweet damn time-I like baseball, i really do. There is no better way to spend a summer day than to overpay for hot dogs and sweat your butt off at a ball park. But, come on yall you dont care that a nigga got to go to work tomorrow? The batter has to knock the dirt of his cleats(never really got that one...you have to put your foot right back in the dirt), spit, swing the bat a few times, fart, call his mama, and pay some bills...and that is just between pitches when the pitcher actually deems it worthy to finally throw the ball...I guess baseball really is america's game...You have people complaining about the number of hispanics(really just peep the subtly when someone calls in to a sports radio show about the Mets), it takes for ever for something to get done(a hit), and when it does there is no guarantee that it will pay off(stranded runners), Only a few people are doing something at one time and the rest just stand around and watching(that’s pretty much Congress right there…)

1. Bruce Eagle taking a month between posts-my bad...I'll get better I promise(but what is a bruce eagle promise...?). Give me a break. I have at least kept my word for about 10 words... See you tomorrow and as always:

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Call me Part II

2008-09-18T12:52:00.003-04:00

House Party:
So your pick
lick yours or mine
aint nothing but space and opportunity
you're beauty sublime
like sunshine in the winter time
no line baby
real talk,
say we...
get a little growner than we are
take a little trip to the car
bed
arms
legs over your head
I love talking but lets walk instead
said she "got a man"...
I say I got beer got beer goggles and a condom
whats the problem, ma'am
"well...I never" she replied
and you never will again keep acting siddified
just let it ride
Baby, and go, go
you know you want it
lets go, go
Oh...hands on her hips, head to the side
eyes rolling
Im going
"i knew I should've lied with tired cliche"
lets replay
I'm Bruce E. way past tipsy
Pardon me
she said "whatever
you cute and clever
plus my man aint got it together
I down for head or better"
but as fast as she spoke those words forbidden
she looked down at my crotch
and said "Naaaahhh...just kidding"
Damn!

Laconic Levity 9/10/2008

2008-09-10T20:44:00.003-04:00

Its the tenth of the month! Have YOU paid your rent yet?

Oh, you own a home, uh-huh...You think you better than us or something!!! Ok so I've used that same gimmick for the mouse thing in the first post...Cut a brother a break(i mean, if you clicked on some banner ads...you know if you want to, but only then, a brother could quit his full time job and get right on the Arcanum(btw, its R-CAY-NUM just like it sounds)...

hold up I just felt my sideburns and they are mad uneven(hey, we in a damn recession. You think the kid got dough for haircuts!!!) so ima touch em up and finish this one on mon-yah-nah....

Bruce Eagle the cost-effective barber. Peace!!!

Call me Part I

2008-09-04T12:52:00.008-04:00

Bar Scene
So, your pick:
My floors or yours
Outdoors on the balcony, all fours
and no I won't think you're a whore
Thats off topic
Take another sip o' tonic
"Need another drink for her!"
Ill make reality and dreams blur
she thought about it,
Laughed and purred Bruce the conqueror
She had a wrap color ochre over her,
but you can't hide those pretty brown rounds
so my eyes slipped dooowwwwwnnn
She said "OK eyes up here now"
I'm Apologetic,
but to my credit, I'm an assthetic:
see the booty in all things
nah'mean

...She feeling that slow drip

like an IV
and like me
she looking to dip
So a little more spit
and we headed to the exit
then the bitch blocks it
Its the best friend, mother hen
saying 'your too bent
we not going th'ough THAT again
say goodbye to him'
Ladies and gents
thats cock-blocking at its finest
Timeless, old as rhyme is...DAMN!

Loquacious Levity 8-22-2008

2008-08-22T13:07:00.013-04:00

Man its been a min right? How have you been? Word? That’s what’s up. I’ve been cool. No, no…you didn’t have to get me anything for the six month-aversary. Just your love is enough. So with out further preamble, let us add to the already super-sized nuggets of inanity, shall we…

Let me start with a few questions:Given that you are advertising 100% white meat and beef now, McDonald’s, just what the hell have you been feeding us the past 60 or so years...actually nevermind...

Hey, now that the levees burst in Iowa earlier this summer, let me ask just who in the hell built our levees? Al Qaeda? Ok, so New Orleans was an accident (that’s a bit glib but roll with it...) but now why haven’t we reinforced them...and if we have, why didn’t we do a better job...Jeeeeezzzuusss. After Katrina, the amount of water it takes to break a levee should make even Noah say damn...but hey, 500 billy in Iraq...When is that third knock coming, again...But it aint even about that today...well not really.

YOOOOOOO....ARE YOU SHITTING ME...are we really questioning Obama's patriotism? How patriotic is it to lie to your constituency(I know us liberals have been railing about the lies told before the Iraq war for a min now, but fuck...how do you not get impeached for that?), how patriotic is it to get rich off the toil of the American people while they starve, how patriotic is it to watch the nation you are supposed to be leading crumbling at the seams and doing nothing about it...I say we have had unpatriotic muthas for the past 8 years...

And besides no one has ever questioned a candidate's patriotism before. Even the ones that skipped out on the draft. Why are we so alert now? Is it b/c Obama is half black? What you think there is some kind of genetic bitterness against this nation instilled in black folk?

Come on now, Really?

Ok there probably is a scintilla, minute, itsy-bitsy innate in us but still it ain't right...

Polygamy??? Why in the hell would you want more wives...you know other than for the obvious reasons...but even THAT is gonna get old eventually and then you just have 6 or 7 biddies around the crib...nice...real nice…

First Carlin and then Bozo...What the hell? Maybe Death really comes in threes...I would watch my back if I were you Will Ferrell you are just too damn funny for this world...

A friend of mine said the nastiest thing I've ever heard the other day. She asked was my mom going through menopause or does she still have periods. First off, why in the hell would I know that? What I'm going to be like "So ma, got those hot flashes yet." Second, seriously what the hell...and Third, my mom is not a woman. SHE'S A MOM! I mean she stopped being a woman when I ruined her figure. She's not a woman. She doesn't have a libido. She doesn't even have a...a...i cant even say it. I repeat: She's a mom dammit...end of discussion.

But this brings up a point though. Men, don't see their moms as women. I've heard women ask would you talk to your momma like that...the reply is always, whether said or unsaid, "you ain't my momma." When you really think about it, before you buy that hooker, boss around your woman or even hit them, if a man thought "would I want some one doing that to my mom?", a lot of the bullshite we pull would not happen. But alas, mothers are not women, they are moms...

Oh and I hate to have a double standard here but uh-ra...when you pass another human being through your orifice...you may wanna think about toning down the style of dress a bit. I mean those tights hug your hips and that top makes your boobies look delightful; however, that stroller ain’t sexy at all...sorry. Again, you are a mom...I dont mean you have to dress like a 55 year old english teacher, but you might wanna leave H&M to the Miley Cyrus-es. I hear Ann Taylor has a nice selection...Not to say there aren’t sexy moms still...Halle por ejemplo, be it MILF would be just someone mispelling milk....

Alrighty, I have officially moved back to NC(Land of fried fat and faded smiles...that's word to Nabokov for that one). By the way, if you are ever thinking of moving, don’t. Just don’t. I moved in with your friend and mine, the guy whose name means receiver of superfluous apostrophes in Celtic, commissioner of RPW, Scoe-says-he Jenkins (not his real name, but sounds good). I ain't gonna lie to ya...its gonna be weird living with a guy after staying with a girl...for the obvious reasons…

Know what I am not going to miss? My damn toilet paper expenditure...jeeebusss...Do y'all have to use it every time? You just cant shake it off like we do? Every damn week and a half...i mean a lot of it goes towards wiping off the toilet, but that's besides the point. Nothing says I love you like a "gold plated" toilet seat cover...

Hey, I look at the WE network a lot (Ladies and gentlemen, its bruce eagle the seahorse). Just going solely off the WE line-up, do women only care about brides and babies?

But I guess you could say the same thing about BET... Just going solely off the videos, do all black men like big butts and scantily clad women gyrating? Of course not...Some black men are gay.

Tell me this. With about 7 billion people on this earth, why do you need something like E-harmony to meet people. This world is full of 'em. Just start talking...

SO SHOOT ME...I like that Viva La Vida by coldplay. Its got heavy rotation on the Ipod. Its a blatant U2 ripoff but still. I see it as a portrait of the evanescence of fame("One minute I held the key. Next the walls were closed on me") and its corrupting influence("It was a wicked and wild wind blew down the doors to let me in" and "People couldn't believe what I have done"). It also brings it back home. Martin is singing "for some reason I can't explain, I know St. Peter will call my name." He saying I may have changed and done some wicked things, but it was the fame, baby! "It wasn't me Pete. It was the fame Godd..oh I mean dammit" I know that's the story I am going with. Now I just have to get famous...Go on tell ya friends dammit. I need to blame some of this stuff on the fame..

I am not even going to lie to you...I still don’t understand what the hell that cross-section of a woman’s anatomy they showed us in Sex Ed is. What in the hell were they trying to show. It looks like a rotten eggplant, but I guess that would explain a lot in the bedroom...

Breaking News: IRREGARDLESS is not a freaking word!!!! for the obvious reasons...

The phrase "gives 110%" irks the hell out of me...first off you can't have over 100% unless you are comparing something. 100% is whole when talking output and lets be feasible here, even if it were possible, no one would do it...lets break this down shall we:

10% off the bat just goes to bathroom and smoke breaks, for the obvious reasons. I ain’t met a brother alive(I guess that's redundant, he would have to be alive to urinate…that pretty much a pre-req..) that can go 8 hrs without peeing…that’s real talk. And there damn sure ain’t no smoker gonna go 8 hrs without a CI…at least without strangling someone…

5% goes to small talk with muthas that a wouldn’t be interesting to a hungry dog if they smelled like snausages…You know the drill…”Oh man that story about you painting your garage was enthralling. I can’t wait to hear the sequel about wallpapering your bathroom…Its gonna be like “Harry Potter”…Nigga, please!!!

5% is getting the runaround from the lazy muthas you work with…”Oh that’s not my job go see so and so…” You get to so and so’s desk and its “Oh he was wrong I do this(in essence, jack shit) go see what’s her face in accounting”…and it goes on and on…

With that above 20% happening in every office everywhere since the beginning of time, how in the hell can you possible give 110%. Its not really a big deal it just represents that empty business rhetoric so many are found of…

Man…I am already at 15 hundred words…Ok time to wrap this baby up. I’ll end it by saying thanks for coming back even though its been a min since the last post. You make the Exchange part of EE possible…For newcomers: what in the hell took you so long to get here? We have been waiting for you…bone up in the archives and join the fun…

Bruce Eagle the full metal…It’s good to be back for the most obvious of reasons!!!

So this is what counts for a post these days...

2008-07-11T23:22:00.006-04:00

N.E.R.D's(not quite sure what the acronym stands for, but they are pharrell from the neptunes's group and they are fire!!!) new album, Seeing Sounds, may get a grammy...its mad butter-ful fire!!!! But, in lieu of a review...ill post from my fav song so far, Love Bomb(not usually known for his lyrics, pharrell comes with it on this one).

Sitting here in this white pattern room
imaging im a meteor flying out through the distant space(space)
How this tiny speck called earth destroy tomorrow
so capable of so many things...
...
but I believe
that when you lose your route
just use the sunlight
It can be your guide
No more political dreams
Not another excuse
dont need another love song
we need a LOVE need a LOVE bomb
TO JUST BLOW US AWAY...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. 'Nuff Said!!!

Talking that Blog Smiggidy...

2008-06-25T19:50:00.013-04:00

because sometimes you gotta let nuccas know:

I got so many sentences Kotex can't keep up with the periods...

My thoughts cut diamonds...

Reading your blog is like watching paraplegic turtles race...

Your mama loves my sh*t...

Maybe if you practice, you could work your way up to moron...

Your blog makes Marlee Matlin wish she was blind and helen keller glad to be so...

Stephen Hawking wants me to ghostwrite his next book...

Jim Abbott types better than you with one hand tied behind his back...

Corky from Life Goes On called...he wants his blog back...

Google googles me...

You ain't worth the copper ya two cents were stamped on...

I've seen coked up squirrels string thoughts together better than you...

Your blog is like a Eunuch; something is just missing...

You couldn't touch my paragraphs if they were a slutty prom date...

My blog took a dump in your blog's house and left it...

You think salient is some kind of ointment...

That white stuff the gets in the corners of people's mouth has more flavor than you...

Your words secretly sneak over to my blog late at night...they love my sh*t...

Did I mention your mama does too...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Damn, Son!!!

"When will Jesus bring the porkchops...?"-George Carlin

2008-06-23T21:00:00.003-04:00

Since he's jewish, probably never...That's just an example of the way George Carlin made us look our foibles and hypocricies. He played with the language. He showed us that when you do something for the sake of apperances (like saying "how are you" but not sticking around for the answer) it will always come off hollow and pedantic. Since he would probably balk at the concept of eulogies, i'll keep this short:

You will be truly missed and thanks for the laughs...Have a good one :)

Gonna party like....

2008-06-11T18:31:00.006-04:00

Cliched phrase aside, Yep today's my b-day. I have made it another spin around our yellow ball of gas... and since I really didn't have anything to do with it,

ahem...

I'll let my man Nas speak on it instead...

"I woke up early on my born day I'm [26] its a blessing. The essence of adolescent leaves my body now freshen. My physical form is celebrated cus I made it one quarter through life as something that God created..."

Amen. Here's hoping I live to a Hundred....

Bruce Eagle the Birthday Boy. Yea!!!

This one's for the Commish...

2008-06-10T19:34:00.006-04:00

In the last post, I used my friend Scoe, commissioner of Phoenix Rising Wrestling, as a contrast to my reverse jinx of Obama's bid for presidency. Turns out I didn't get it right. So with all due respect to the commissioner, here's his rebuttal. Wow, my first official retraction. I feel like such a journalist.

Commissioner of RPW said...
I dont have a conspiracy theory. That's not what I was saying at all. You ever heard the term "lame duck." This is usually used to describe people in power who have very little power in reality. Without a substantial amount of backing from his fellow politicians, Mr. Obama will be a lame duck president. If that were to occur, which is not outside the realm of possibility, what would happen to the legions of Blacks and other minorities who have got it in their minds that we are on the verge of a "second coming." People are believing that this is the time for the meek to inherit the earth. However, if the shephard is corraled like his flock, who can he save?

BruceEagle the the full metal. Peace!!!

Obama: Mama We made it...

2008-06-08T10:43:00.005-04:00

Well, not quite. We still have to get the brother elected. But, congrats on the nomination nonetheless(i must admit when i saw him and McCain sitting at that table on CNN...i got a little hype)

Now, me and my friend Scoe seem to be pessimistic about this nomination in two different directions. He feels wary that "they", his "they" are the clandestine organization that is quietly running our lives(yeah, that "they"), will allow Obama to get into office, but "they" will take every precaution to make his administration a failure and laughingstock. Scoe feels that this will push an already disenfranchised people over the edge thereby quelling any further worry from the black voting bloc as well as any aspirations any further black men/women have of running for office. While this could happen, I just don't see it that way. Why would "they" let us win? Its just as easy to make us lose and prove the same point and you wouldn't have that pesky black president to deal with. Besides, if we can come back to the voting booth after Florida and Ohio, then it stands to reason we are bit more resilient as far as electoral spirituality to have that happen to us. His theory sounds a bit too conspiracy theory for me, but as the movie taught us, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you.

I am pessimistic as well. However, I don't think the brother will even get elected. Not to be outdone by my surrogate brother, I have a "they" driving my theory too. My "they" is an amalgamation of stand alone complexes(i.e. individuals) bound only by their irrational hatred of all brown people(blacks, mexicans, muslims, sugar bear, etc) that will unwittingly bring them together. I envision an increased amount of felonious charges brought against minorities(remember felons can't vote), confusing ballots in areas with a high percentage of elderly people, and the rezoning of districts to invalidate voter registrations(in essence gerrymandering...illegal but not impossible). I repeat, I just don't see it. However, for now I rejoice because:

"They", whatever definition you have of "them", cannot lie to us anymore. They cannot tell little kids that they have to be ballers or entertainers to make a difference or make something of themselves. Now black parents can point to Obama and tell their children that they CAN make a difference. "See, look at Obama. He looks like you. If he can do it, you can do it, too." It has been so long since we have had a black person in the spotlight(not rap or sports either, not that there's anything wrong with that, its just that everyone can't do it) that black kids, inner city or otherwise, could aspire to be. Sure, there are those in the community to look up to(I see you even if no one else does), but you and I know that those on the tele hold a lot more weight...So, while I am a bit pessimistic, I still rejoice and I will continue to do so until...well...you know my vision comes to fruition...

So congrats again, Obama. I am pulling for you. And, lets hope Scoe and I are both wrong...

Bruce Eagle the Reverse Jinxer. Wink!!!

Loquacious Levity-5/22/2008

2008-05-22T15:03:00.010-04:00

I love Sci-fi almost as I love music and copious amounts of peanut M&M’s. And just to day, “not a minute b/f you blew a hole in the door” (sorry couldn’t resist the Kill Bill quote), I just came to the realization (you may have long done so) that time travel is impossible. *Sigh*. It came on the epiphany that time is not tangible. Time is just a word we invented to measure the length of periods of somethingness (yep, I wrote it.) book-ended by periods of nothingness. You can’t touch it. It is, in essence, abstact. How can you travel to something abstract?

Been to the theory of relativity lately? To time travel, in the Sci-fi sense meaning physically transporting yourself to a particular moment in time(of course, you are free to do it Billy Pilgrim style, in your mind, all you like), that would mean that “time” would have to leave some kind of tangible snail trail for one to pinpoint. It would mean that the past never ends; forever pasted on to some abstract celluloid sheet. Where is the last 20 “seconds” of your life you used to read the preceding lines? Can you find it? How can you get back to it. You cant. Not to mention the pesky “transport and dissolution of large quantities of matter” issue. It’s just not going to happen. I think I am more telling myself than telling you. Again, sigh…

Wanna know where I would go if I could go back in time? Two places: I would travel back to about an hour before my birth and strike up a conversation with my pops while in Lenoir Memorial Hospital waiting room (btw, a bunch of bums. I am the only thing they got right, if that is any testament to their ineptitude). See where his head was. See what hopes and dreams he had for his then in-utero son. See if the dreams reconciled with the post-utero verision. And, I would also go to the delivery room and see myself being born. That would be trippy right?

Aren’t we just a little embarrassed by all these erectile dysfunction commercials? I mean, if it means I gotta wait around for some pill to kick in so that I could have relations with my old lady, maybe making it past 45 aint so hot?

You know I was just kidding about that, God? Right…? Right?

Foreshadowing: ROSS!!!!

Have you ever spoken with someone that grew up in like the 40-50’s and just felt like a little candy-arse? They had a world war fresh off a prior one, got by on slim rations back home on everything from stamps to food to garden hoses, they endured a national tragedy but actually held their patriotic fervor longer than 2 years. I freak out if I am stuck on a train without my Ipod. My generation is so soft(in the presence of the greatest generation, yeah you too)…On that note…

It’s a paradox that with all the increase in quality of life technology has given us, it will most likely be the end of us. I am pretty sure cell phones cause cancer and even if they don’t, scientists say that the cell phone wireless waves are screwing with the bees. They can’t stand it. Think about it. Seen a bee lately? I don’t think we are going to create artificial intelligence that could overrun the human race a la T2 or Matrix (I don’t think we are smart enough to create something smarter than us or at least too narcissistic). No, that won’t be the end. If its not the extinction of bees thereby bringing an end to flowers subsequently killing our dwindling food supply, consequently ending us, it’ll probably be the fact that we are losing our intelligence as a species, dumbed down by all the niceties.

Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest comes into play here. As far a physique, humans are damn near at the bottom of the totem pole. We are not even in the top 25 or most ferocious animals (at least in the physical sense) Our bodies are relatively frail, but what keeps us at the top of the food chain is our huge brain. Our intelligence to outsmart that bear or that alligator or that phython. What happens if we lose our only competitive advantage over the lion eat dog eat mouse world of nature? It’s a wrap. Well, technology is gonna get us there…At least we could pick on the mouse…

Or the end could just be fire like the Bible says. If you believe in that sort of thing…

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

God, you know I just be saying that to get you mad…

Seriously, though. If you count gunfire as fire, then well, it may not be too far off. Bigger, better weapons. Technology: aint it grand.

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal." – the soon to be former chief executive explaining why he has given up golf until the Iraq war is over(big up Jim Caple, ESPN for the quote.)

Yep. You read that one right…kinda got that one backwards don’t ya, slick? Play golf and leave Iraq! Fuck’s wrong with you?! Moreover, Playing golf on a posh course while many in your country starve is kind of an affront as well don’t you think? The balls on this one could choke an elephant. Jeeee-zus!

Congrats, david cook for winning American Idol beating out David Archuleta (aka trout mouth.) Now, arch can sing his butt off and frankly should have won on the basis of pure singing, but hey…the kid is actually a kid at 17. The little bugger is still a minor. You can’t have an American Idol who still has his provisional driver’s license. Can you? Guess not. Congrats again, Cook. I bet Chris Daughtry is flattered.

I just found out that my Mans “Michael” from “The Wire” is going to be on 90210(good looks to one Mr. Bill Simmons for that tidbit, ok so I went to ESPN.com today!)…Damn Mike…I thought having your stepdad killed was bad…

Hey, my friend scoe, writer, editor and senior wrestling analyst for Phoenix rising wrestling blog, coined a new term for a certain type of rap. Its called Swag Rap. Its when the rapper aint really saying nothing hot but the way he presents him/herself just carries the song. Like Jeezy, I don’t think the man has ever made a clever simile, but he’s just hot for some reason. It’s the swag talking. It’s really a talent to implant your hubris onto a track to make it tangible. On that note…
Ok, Ok: Top five swag rappers (this is no way supercedes the top five MC’s listed in the second post. Nooooo. No way in hell)

5. Rick Ross-I just don’t know how to classify this man as anything other than swag rapper. That new cut he has with T. Pain is hot but I just don’t know why (can say that about a lot of T. Pain tracks.)

4. Fabolous-He staddles the line of punchline/swag rapper. If fab never made any albums but kept his mixtape game up, he would undoubtedly make my top ten rappers( or at least garner an honorable mention). He is a monster on mixtapes(that triangle offense with him, cain and buddens way back: da shite!!!) but since he cant really make a consistent album but always finds a way to make some bangers, he makes this list. That and the fact he caused a whole generation of hip-hop heads to spell fabulous wrong for the rest of their lives…

3. Jeezy- he was the reason for this whole countdown. So yeah.

2. Ludacris-I don’t think he has ever made a song I liked as far as lyrical content (now features on the other hand are monstrous and runaway love was poignant, kinda), but this man has just got hits, his bravado is palpable on every track. It can’t be any reason other than he is one of the illest swag rappers out there…and finally…

1. Slick Rick and Big Daddy Kane-Now, rick and kane are beasts don’t get me wrong. Rick is one of the best hip-hop griots ever (btw, the spell check in Word doesn’t recognize Griot. Its spelling suggestion? Grits! Artificial intelligence, my arse!) and Kane revolutionized rap flow and cadence, but when you talk swag rap, the essence of just getting on the mic and talking that smiggidy, these two gentlemen invented and perfected it. On many a rappers best day, they are just doing an impersonation of Kane on his worst. Many rappers telling a story are just doing a Children’s Story remix. Gotta give it up. This will probably be the number one spot indefinitely. That is until Jay-Z’s kid is born…

I think I am going to be the first swag blogger…given there is no real content on this site, yet its rather hot...on that note(last one, I promise):

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!(told ya)

Versus: Not giving a St vs. Not giving a FK

2008-05-16T18:23:00.011-04:00

Oh, btw going to tone down the cursing a bit. My moms got a load of the site and said it was "raunchy." Given Ima mama's boy through and through, gotta keep it to a min. for momma that is until I feel like dropping an F-BOMB...but for now its cool...

Now, we try to keep your word game up here at EE so let's start this "versus" series off right with differentiating between not giving a s**t and not giving a f**K. I hear people use both of these terms interchangeably. This is a fallacy, my friends. Both of these term connote a certain level of disinterest in a certain situation, topic, etc., but not giving a f**k is much more severe than not giving a s**t. For instance:

-If you see a guy throw his cup out of his car window when he is finished with his coffee...that's not giving a s**t
-If you see that same guy take a dump out of his car window when his coffee is finished with him...well then that's not giving a f**k

-If you see a dude on the street curse out a some sassy-lipped kid...that's not giving a s**t
-If you see that same dude slap the fire out of that kid...well then that's not giving a f**k

-If you wear a dirty shirt...that's not giving a s**t
-If you wear dirty underwear...well then that's not giving a f**k(seriously, i know cats who would put on dirty underwear...dude your arse stinks...what you think it smells like roses everyday? Either wash your damn draws...or free-ball...geesh!)

-If you hear about your boy screwing the ugliest, sluttiest chick in town...that's not giving a s**t
-If you hear about your boy screwing the ugliest, sluttiest chick in town with no rubber...well, then that's not giving a f**k(literally it is, but you know...)

-If you are drunk and you step to some scrawny dude at the bar...that's not giving a s**t
-If you are drunk and you step to the bouncer with out actually being one yourself...well then that's not giving a f**k

-If you take a two-hour lunch break...that's not giving a s**t
-If you just don't come back after lunch...well then that's not giving a f**k

-If your little sister listens in or your phone call after you tell her not to...that's not giving a s**t
-If your presidential administration listens in on your phone call without asking you...well then that's not giving a f**k

-If you are a mediocre player who risked using steroids just to make it to the big leagues...that's not giving a s**t

-If you are a superstar player who risked using steroids to prolong an already HOF career, sold out a good friend, sued said friend, had trysts with under aged girls and STILL lied to a federal grand jury...well then Mr. Clemens its quite obvious you don't give a f**k

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

You can quote me on that...Life imitates Art Edition

2008-05-06T17:28:00.020-04:00

Art often imitates life because what better muse is there than the pain and prosper that is life itself? What is disheartening and inspiring is that authors from about 25 years ago up to hundreds of years past still prophetically speak to the ills and joys of life as it relates to today. Does this represent past authors pinpointing some fundamental predisposition inherent in all humans, those to come and those present? Maybe. Does it mean that no matter what has happened, how many items have been destroyed, how much carnage is amassed that humans are forever fated to continually make the same mistakes? Probably. But, when we finally destroy ourselves(i hope I'm looking down, not looking on) I truly hope that the quotes and contexts shown below, as well as many other nuggets of wisdom from authors past, survive as our epitaph so when that amoeba decides to evolve and start this whole process over again, man will look back at the legacy from today and heed our inadvertent warning. But, alas probably not...

"Woe to the inhabitants on Earth! that now, While time was, our first parents had been warned"
-John Milton "Paradise Lost"-1667( the gas crunch, the cries for moral legislation, the rampant drug use. Hey, just because you call yours Prozac and a junkie calls his LSD doesn't make you two any different. Remind you of the seventies? We just love to repeat history, don't we? On that note...)

"We were a demonstration of abnormal psychology...That was when we should have packed up our things and gotten out of there...We were worst than dishonest. We were ridiculous...'Dad, I think we better get out of here. We made a mistake'...He said, 'we certainly weren't going to go home with out tails between our legs.’ Vietnam!"
-Kurt Vonnegut "Hocus Pocus"-1990(OK, so this isn't exactly "25 years ago up to hundreds of years past" but I thought it was a perfect example of history repeating itself. This was written before the first Gulf war and the New Millennium Equivalent to Vietnam and was probably meant to warn against the mindset that led to and perpetuated the Vietnam war. However, like the loading dock scene in the movie “The Mist”, no one listens to the Artist.)

"Big Brother is watching you"

-George Orwell "1984"-1948(Given that Orwell wrote 1984 about Stalinism and its namesake's treatment of Russian Socialists, I am not going to be so hard on the soon-to-be-former-chief executive who shall remain nameless's administration. Call him dumb, call him redneck, call him anything but the SOB is better than Stalin. I know that's like saying I would rather be stabbed in the arm than shot in the stomach, but hey. Even though Orwell's novel is hyperbolic not prophetic(God I really hope that's true), there is a correlation between the Gov't's habit of listening to our phone calls, peeping what books we check out of the library, scanning emails for buzzwords and "Big Brother's" creation of telescreens and its other methods of monitoring the people of Oceania...

Even though Orwell's novel is hyperbolic and hopefully not prophetic, there is a correlation between the Gov't's habit of making words and phrases taboo and Big Brother's act of changing or deleting words from the lexicon. Like liberal. How in the hell can you make the word liberal out to be bad. A word that means generous, a connotation that means caring...That is some slick shit, I tell you. Comparing this administration to "Big Brother" may be a bit overzealous and cheapens "1984" a little bit, but you gotta admit there are some similarities...)

"It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing"

-William Shakespeare "Macbeth"1603-(I know I touched on this in the last LL post but I had to put this one up here. It was the impetus for this whole post. What in the hell is going on at the airport. Let's not even talk about the Chapter 11's in the airline industry or how its quite apparent that the major airlines could give a good shit about our comfort, but let's talk about the "security". Why do I have to take off my got damn shoes? I know i have a foot odor problem but it still doesn't make any sense. Don't we have metal detectors? Why can't I walk through with my damn shoes on? I used to blame that ugly arse shoe bomber but its been like 3 yrs. since that incident and no change in the shoe shit. OK, that was just venting...

I assume all of this is because of 9/11. Its crazy that the cause of all this was a bunch of pissed off, ball-heavy terrorists. They didn't sneak a bomb on the damn plane. They Hijacked it with box cutters. All the signs were there, people. They went to flight school but didn't care about learning to land...For Christ's Sake, half of them didn't even have sufficient paper work to be Americans. They didn't give a shit. They knew how lazy we were and that we would pass right over them. I say that to say that if we really had our shit tight, they would have been deported before 9/11 because they didn't have the right documentation. We didn't check. We didn't ask. The funny thing is that the immigration debate never brings this up(that's how i know its more about taxation than security). The airline security doesn't get paid enough to check 110% all the time, barely even enough for 85%. They don't give shit either. What the hell does showing my ID 4 fucking times have to do with airline security? I guess a terrorist can't get a fake ID, huh...

It is merely a deterrent not security. There's a difference. It wouldn't get me so incensed if this were highway speeding or shoplifting we were trying to deter, but this is national fucking security here, man. Can't we get some profile specialists, some body language analysts, some highly trained guys/gals with AK'S waiting for shit to pop off? Now, THAT'S security. What we have now’s not security just an inconvenience. Sound and fury; signifying nothing. IRAQ!)

"...That is [the] premise This story will draw a conclusion from it and show at the same time that the premise is incorrect. That will be a new thing in logic."
-O. Henry "A Service of Love"-1912(A nice one for the whole "War for Oil" sentiment some seem to have. This premise tells us that if we go to War in Iraq, recipient, by genetic and logistic fortuity, of 1/5 of the world's oil reserve, we will ease the price of gas, oil's derivative. Now, that is our premise: acquisition of commodity by force. The conclusion: No one will win this war. It is evil and strains resources that could be put to better use. Using myriad vital resources to acquire one. Uh-huh. However, you and I know gas prices are 4 bones per gallon now( I like the correlation with “4 bones” and a fossil fuel). I started driving almost ten years ago between the first Gulf conflict and the present one. Gas was 99 cents. But, this war's going to keep gas affordable. Uh-huh. Guess that's that "new thing in logic")

"One ever feels his twoness-an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder. "

-W.E.B DuBois "The Souls of Black Folk"-1903(We had to read this for summer reading at NCAT's(AGGIE PRIDE!!!) Honors Program. What pissed me off the most about that book was the book's a HUNDRED YEARS OLD and the same nonsense is still going on. If you ever had the glorious pleasure or genetic misadventure of being black in America, YOU know exactly what Mr. DuBois is talking about. Dead On!)

"O wonder!

How many goodly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is!

O brave new world

That has such people in’t!"

-William Shakespeare "The Tempest"-1623 (this pretty much sums up the love and caring we humans are capable of when we want to try. Take Katrina for example. There were people where I lived -Stamford, CT-that were taking time off work to drive supplies down to N.O. Not to mention how this describes our firefighters, policemen, teachers, soldiers, and etc. sacrificing everyday to make life a little better for all. Indeed, how beauteous mankind is...or can be)

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Fighting Tyler Durden-Ghostwriting in Hip-hop

2008-04-26T14:36:00.014-04:00

The mark of a truly intelligent mind is the ability to understand two opposing viewpoints at the same time. As Bill Maher says, “O. J. killed his wife AND the cops are crooked. ” However, for one reason or another the world doesn’t like this. You have to have only one viewpoint. They'll call you finicky, whishy-washy, or fickle otherwise. Don’t worry. I understand you. After all, I am a Gemini. With that said, this segment will analyze the pro and the con viewpoints of the world’s many polarizing topics with the hopes that we can make a decision. If not, you can take solace in the fact that ambivalence is better than apathy.

Today's Topic: Ghostwriting-Hip-hop Scourge or Savior?

Pro: Ghostwriting ain’t so bad. First of all, Ghostwriting allows writers to get their words out to the masses that would otherwise go unheard. There are many people out there that have something to say, whose words will help that confused teen or that world-weary adult. Unfortunately, everyone’s words don’t get the opportunity to shine. I love hip-hop but I admit that the mainstream tends to skew towards the superficial. Not only do you have to be hot but you have to have that “look”. Well, everyone ain’t pretty and everyone can’t make it big in this game regardless of what they have to say. This is where ghostwriting provides a necessary service.

It allows, for lack of better terms, un-cute or uncharismatic people to help the masses with their words. Secondly, ghostwriting, in a sense, makes hip-hop better. Think of it as literary steroids. Let’s use one of the best employers of ghostwriters in the biz as an example: Sean “P-Diddy” Combs, Mr. “If I don’t write it, I recite it well”. So, its 1996 and arguably the best rapper in the game, Biggie Smalls, has just been struck down in a hail of bullets. The hip-hop world was devastated. We were angry, sad, confused, and most of all, lost. What we needed was a tribute song to help mend our wounds, to help us move on. Think about if Puff tried to write that song by himself. It would have been undoubtedly wack (no offense puff, but come one now). Enter Jadakiss to save the day and help create the best tribute song ever(sorry “candle in the wind“…you just ain‘t hot enough). How can something that makes the universal solvent of music better be so bad? Ghostwriting is a hip-hop savior, providing work for those who can’t make it as a rapper but can as a writer and making the hip-hop world a hotter place. Gotta love that!

Con: Ghostwriting is the worst thing that happened to the rap game since…well, ever! My mom would say she hated rap because it doesn’t take any talent to talk. While she has no idea how hard it is to write a song, she kind of has a point. The main talent for a rapper is what he or she says. If you don’t write your verse, just what exactly is your purpose? You are nothing but a delivery guy/gal. Plus, how can a musical medium that so ardently desires the “real” tolerate such fakeness? It’s a travesty, I tell you, travesty. Additionally, the pro argument would have you believe that ghostwriting provides work for needy writers. No, it’s the exact opposite. Generally, the writer of a verse sells that verse to the “artist” for a respectable sum. Said “artist” turns around and makes millions or more. What part of the game is that? I bet Jadakiss was well compensated for “missing you”, but think about the money Puff made off that song?

Ghostwriting is exploitative in nature and denies good, salient writers the chance to earn their worth. Moreover, ghostwriting helps further the industry’s superficial nature. So what this writer looks like Quasimodo on a bad hair day? His music is good. Ghostwriting gives the hip-hop industry a reason to keep talented writers out of the spotlight. How can we ever make a change if the industry can create “rappers” by using good looks and someone else’s words. Its not fair. No one is more affected by this more than female rappers. Take Jean Grae. This lady is a beast on the mic, but ghostwriters make sex kittens like Foxy brown, li’l Mama, or li’l Kim into phony lyricists while the real lyricist goes unnoticed. Ghostwriting is a pox on the entire hip-hop industry and should be abolished. Write your congressperson. Petition at the courthouse. We need ghostwriting in hip-hop to stop.

Decision: Pretty good arguments on both sides, gentlemen. Ghostwriting does pretty much contradict the realness of hip-hop and makes stars out of people who, for all intents and purposes, are untalented. However, Ghostwriting does give people a chance to get their words to millions of people who may either want to eschew the limelight or aren’t quite built for it. Plus, it does make hip-hop game in the long run. I’m going to have to go with the PRO side on this one. My love of good music will trump authenticity and exploitation every time. How about you?

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 4-22-2008

2008-04-22T13:55:00.016-04:00

Goldfish. What in the hell is wrong with them. So what I put too much food in your tank. You have to eat it all until you die? Damn. But hey, if you want to teach your kids about life and death, get 'em a damn goldfish(I'm a little bitter yes..I loved that damn goldfish)...I bring up goldfish because as frustrating as it is to own them just to watch them die, its a perfect metaphor for the dangers of gluttony. Too much money will be the death of you(obtaining it or showing too much of it). Too much food will be the death of you(did we really need "Super Size Me" to tell us that McDonald's will kill you? For Christ's sake, too much celery will kill ya). Contrarily, too much of this blog will cause

intentional incidents of intellect stimulus or it'll kill ya...a toss-up really.

On that note, the only valid reason to criminalize marijuana would be if humans died like goldfish when they ate too much (indirectly, yes you will of course, but it wont be as instant as a goldfish. Probably lose a foot or something first). Can you imagine the widespread carnage when the munchies hit after a Grateful Dead Concert? OD'ing off Twinkies!!! It would be horrid!!! Luckily that ain't the case...HAPPY BELATED 4/20, to all my Potheads out there.

If you didn't know how random I can be by these LL posts, let me help you visualize: on my coffee table right now is a bowl of chicken bones and a bottle of acetone...Delicious!!!

Isaiah Thomas has been let go as coach of the NY Knicks. 'Bout F-ing time... He wasn't fired from the organization altogether however he was given another position in the organization. In this newly created position, he cannot have contact with the team(to many a knick fans delight), he has no one reporting to him, and he will not make any decisions. Sounds like a crock right? BOLLOCKS!!! Even though he is an administrative neuter, the brother still gets paid 18 Million for doing AB-SO-LUTE-LEEEEE NOTHING!!!!! Hahaha, sweet! So I don't have to stop asking the Isaiah Thomas job security question after all(woo, that was close), but I will tweak it a little...

Ask yourself: Don't you wish you had Isaiah Thomas's job? 18 million for doing jack shit...cant beat that with a flat-footed, slow center with a heart problem.

When Shakespeare said in Macbeth "it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing", do you think he was talking about Airport Security? 300 and some years earlier. Damn, the man was good.

I consider myself a wordsmith but I could have never come up with such a clinical and sterile term for the slaughter of millions of people. The term is Ethic Cleansing...I sarcastically tip my hat to you Slobodan...

I guess to his defense, if you name your son slobodan, you kinda gotta figure he's gonna wild out eventually.

I heard the the Pope, with all solemnity, finished his Mass at Yankee Stadium with "Fuck da Sox." I don't know though. It sounds fishy. Can I get some confirmation on this? You'd think he would be an Anaheim Angels fan, but hey anything is possible (Oh yeah, just bought my ticket to hell with that one).

OK, so Obscure Countdown week kinda petered out. I went of vacation. Hey, being a lazy blogger with unorthodox prose is tiring DAMMIT! But uh-ra...ima start it back next month, definitely...probably...certainly...maybe...

On that note...You know what phrase many people(i think even Shakespeare) use from time to time that makes absolutely no sense(no, not "irregardless"...)? Its when someone says, "when and if something happens..." "When" represents certainty and "If" represents probability. It can't occur at the same time...either its certain or its not...It confuses the hell out of me...like "When and If we get married..." What? Are you telling me its definitively probable or probably definitive? Its like verbally hedging your bets. Pick a side dammit.

Will people stop saying that "if we weren't in Iraq, gas prices would be even higher" because that is COMPLETE bullshit...We have been in and out of the middle east for one reason or another since Reagan and gas prices have just now gotten out of control...To say that, to even think that, will continue to give commodity crazy presidents a reason to start wars for oil over there...and the need for oil is only gonna get worse, people. Oil reserves are dwindling...When there's scarcity, there will be blood...no "if" just a matter of "when". We do not need empty rhetoric to make things worse ....so let's nip this little sentiment in the bud now, shall we, before OUR kids are fighting over there, too

Man, I turn 26 in a few months...its gonna suck not to be in the hot demographic anymore(18-25)...Does this mean that Budweiser commercials won't be funny to me anymore? Maxim magazine will lose its "feel" or better yet I will lose my feel on me hovering over it?? Well, i guess....we'll...just..see about the Budweiser commercials, anyway. I don't think I will ever grow out of scantily clad women. Just don't see it.

Barack Obama recently made some comments about small town xenophobia that we're DEAD FUCKING ON...I am from a small town(Kinston, NC...BABY!!!) and what he said about hating immigrants or minorities b/c they are easier to blame one's problems on and that the general disenfranchisement of the proletariat(sorry reading "1984" now...the general population) towards the government causes them to focus on inane issues is, I repeat, dead fucking on!!! We don't like change. We don't like outsiders. Most people are broke where I come from. The blacks blame the whites for their situation. The whites blames the blacks. They both blame the immigrants. The apathy towards government is staggering. Nothing ever changes. Our whole fucking state is broke, etc, etc, etc. But, politicians look at us and call us the "salt of the earth" like we fucking like our situations. Like it fucking makes up for the lack of state funding, the way farmers can't pay their bills anymore, the way you only listen to us every 4 yrs. Yes, we are pissed, but we dont know where to channel our anger. Most politicians just try to placate us instead of actually helping us...

Of course, Obama's refreshing and insightful comments were taken the wrong way. However, I like how he never rescinded his statement just clarified it. He never backed down or compromised his overall stance. A politician with BALLS(the metaphorical kind pretty sure most of them have the anatomical ones...). GOT DAMN that is refreshing, but alas...*SIGH*I really liked you, Obama, but you are not gonna make it very far telling the public what they NEED to hear instead than telling them what they WANT to hear...too bad though...he would have made a GREAT president when and if he was elected...

See it doesn't make any sense...

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Obscure countdown week: "Punch a nucca on sight" countdown

2008-04-14T17:08:00.009-04:00

Hello ladies and gentleman, ok gentleman. All this week i will be doing countdowns of obscure topics. I know you get tired of those conventional countdowns, hottest celebs, best rappers...Well, look no further for innovation. All this week I will be hitting ya with exclusive countdowns of the most inane topics ever to grace the internet. So, let's get the ball rolling with this gem:

Today's listing is a countdown of individuals who I vow to punch on sight if I ever meet them. I mean, no "hello", no "oh, i loved your..."straight swinging...Hey, i believe in non-violent resolutions like the next man, but some nuccas just have it coming. These nuccas to be precise. While this list is of a purely selfish nature and Ill probably never meet these people in person, please feel free to give a quick sock for the good ol' full metal if you ever happen upon them...

5. Soulja Boy-First, spell your got damn name right. Fuck's wrong with you...Second, that "Superman" song is one of the worst pieces of audio excrement that I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. Ugh. Maybe its the Atari reject beat or maybe its the hat-cat-bat rhyme scheme. I dont know. What I do know is that it literally hurts my ears. I have been party to many a terrible song, even liked a few, but this song is just too much. You know what? It aint even really his fault, but I am still punching this nucca on sight just off GP...

4. Tyler Hansbrough-This is actually kind of a compliment. This dude has beasted my favorite college basketball team, Duke, for 3 yrs now...This SOB continues to come down court and hit the weirdest shots i have ever seen. Not only that, he also finds a way to drop like 40 pts likes its nothing. I respect his game dont get me wrong, but you cant just put up 28-12 on Duke for 3 years and not expect a Cam Crazy to do something, well, crazy...on second thought, he's got like a good foot and a half on me so uh-ra...

4. Adam Vinatieri-Yeah that's better...I know the man was just doing his job but he took our Superbowl away(2004-Carolina panthers for you newcomers...And, yes I am still bitter about it!!!) so my man gotta feel something off the strength ...actually, a punch in the gut wouldn't be fair...maybe Ill just give him a charlie horse or something, but its gotta be something.

3. Jeremiah Wright-If you haven't heard, this is Presidential candidate Barack Obama's church pastor who was recently recorded saying grossly inappropriate comments(in church no less) both racial and gender based that would make Farrakhan blush. Now, I generally don't make it a habit of assailing men of the cloth but this nucca is wilding. I have a problem with anyone that uses religion to further personal preferences or beliefs, but its more than that. Doesn't this man realize what the hell we're trying to do here? Doesn't he realize what kind of historic precedent we can accomplish in Novemeber? SHUT THE HELL UP... Barack already has enough problems with his Arabic name, the republican political machine, and a reliably superficial American constituency without you and your silly ass comments giving his opponents fodder. Hey, I would usually blame a voting public for caring about superficial topics instead of hardcore issues but I don't see that fact changing for a while(ill do my best to help this but I am not making any promises). Until we care about the issues(the economy, foreign policy, etc) instead of silliness(what someone said like 25 yrs ago, what someone did like 25 years ago, etc) you need to keep your yap shut. Expect a swift punch in the gut if i ever see you...Oh, it might behoove you to read the Red Writing in the Bible before you go off on your racist(yes, black folks can be racist, too) tirades...Jeeeeee-zus i can't believe this nucca...Let's just keep it moving...

2. Anyone who passes judgement on hip-hop without even listening-Man, I get so fucking tired of people who got something to say about rap when its obvious that they don't even listen to it. This means you Oprah, Bill Ho-Reilly, Delores tucker(old school reference i know but she still pisses me off...congressional hearing? For Tupac? Really?) All they know is that the public is outraged about something so they feel the need to join in on the protest. I know that rappers can be homophobic and misogynistic at times but damn, there are rappers who don't speak even curse , have a range of topics and try to raise consciousness about the black struggle. Why don't you talk about them? Hmm? Besides, most rappers refer to just hoes and bitches in their music. Man, a ho is a ho; a bitch is a bitch(peep Jay-z's "niggas and bitches"for a distinct clarification). They just happen to be women b/c most rappers are men. They are not talking about all women, geesh. Whats the impetus to even take it there? Moreover, to extrapolate to a population, don't you need a representative sample? A few rappers is not enough to assume in the first damn place. I know these people don't really listen to hip-hop because if they really gave a listen to whats out there, they wouldn't just give a blanket generalization of the music. There are a lot of things wrong with hip-hop(as well as rock and pop) but we got it. The fans will try and fix it ourselves. We don't need your help because its obvious that you don't understand whats going on ...ooooooooooo, you guys so got a jab coming...I cant even think straight. Let's just move on....

1. The soon to be former chief executive that shall remain nameless in this blog-Unless you have been on the planet Trafalmadore with Billy Pilgrim for the past seven years, you know exactly who I am talking about and exactly why I wanna slug him. Unlike the other selections on the list that may eventually be removed or trumped, its on like popcorn forever with this man...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Requiem for a Rut

2008-04-08T19:59:00.011-04:00

Highway Hypnosis is a phenomenon experienced by drivers navigating the American Highway System. When this occurs, drivers are lulled into a dreamlike state by a homogeneous American landscape. This causes a driver to lose track of his/her surroundings while driving. This could simply cause the driver to arrive at his or her destination without realizing it or it could lead to a devastating accident. It’s a coin flip. C’est La Vie, no?…

Now, have you ever felt like a personality neuter, meaning you just felt devoid of any creativity, opinions, zest, pain, or even joy? Good, me too. As a result, I haven’t written anything in a few days. I just haven’t had the inspiration or energy, and I would rather not ramble for the sake of rambling, despite HTML evidence to the contrary. The colloquial term for this is called “a rut.” It was the same thing every morning: Wake, Smoke, Shower, Iron, Commute, Smoke, Arrive, Work, Eat, Smoke, Work, Commute, Smoke, Arrive, Dine, Be a Boyfriend (couldn’t quite find the verb for that one), Sleep.

This was accompanied, or you could say facilitated, by four days of moist overcast in Stamford, CT. It was as if the Earth were crying and I was empathetic. In other words, I was in a rut. That was until sunlight broke the overcast like happy memories slicing through grief. On that day (yesterday actually) I saw a sunset. Call me a hippie, but there is nothing quite as beautiful, as humbling, as miraculous as a sunset.

Let me to help you visualize: A rock weighing trillions of tons in mass revolved around a sphere of pure energy in a formless void. The subsequent effect that day as with every before it was the movement of said ball of energy across our sky. Atmospheric Gases and Refracted beams of white light blend into one. Purple, Red, and Indigo all swimming around a yellow nucleus. It was beautiful. All that was missing was Bob Ross and his “happy little trees”. Upon viewing, I was instantly struck by a joke to write. Rut broken.

A rut is highway hypnosis on the trip from our first dream to our eternal one. A sustained rut may simply take you to your deathbed without realizing it or it may cause a devastating accident: your children become adults but are strangers to you, your significant other leaves for lack of the love he/she needs/deserves, you just don’t enjoy life anymore, etc. There is so much pain and suffering in this world that we have drifted into our own dream-like states, medians to separate ourselves from the hideous highway of life. Life is hard, as is anything worth having, but there is so much beauty and joy in life to let it just zoom by.

Find your own sunset, be it a college basketball game(if that Mario Chalmers shot in the national championship game last night didn’t snap you out of a funk…I don’t know what to tell ya), the laughter of your children, the love of a significant other. Find something to help you pay attention to life before it passes you by because when its gone...well you know the rest. As for me: nothing but sunny skies the rest of the week. That should hold me for awhile.

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Happy Driving!!!(By the way, be on the look out for “Obscure countdown week” starting Monday)

The Second Knock...

2008-04-03T21:46:00.011-04:00

Tupac Shakur. Have you ever heard this man speak? He is eloquent. He is full of pathos and heart, but many would rather focus on the kind of music he chose to make, which is nothing more than a snapshot of the world you gave him and the man you made him become. I say that to say that Mr. Shakur gave an analogy one time for the angst of the disenfranchised toward a prosperous government that exacerbates their already bleak situations. He said “we knock on your door politely to ask for food. You say ‘there isn’t any’, but we smell something cooking. We knock a second time a little less politely asking for food and again you tell us ‘there is no food’, yet we see you throwing sausages around in the back having a good time. Now, that third time will not be so friendly. This time we are kicking the door down.” In essence, how can you look us in the eye and tell us the cupboard is bare when we both know that is a lie. Moreover:

Knowing the Iraq War has cost over $500 billion since its inception, how can you look us in the eye and say that:

We are in a recession and there is nothing you can do about it- We are definitely in one, no doubt. But how in the hell did we get here? 100 billion a year? Money that could have been put back in to the economy for, I don’t know, more after school programs for at-risk youth or increased spending on welfare and clinical research programs. Or how about reinvesting some of that in the housing market so that I-banks wont have to lay off thousands of people (you know who you are company that rhymes with UPS)…that would have been nice…

My generation and the ones preceding will not have Social Security- I repeat: 100 billion a year…

Knowing that the war on drugs, censorship on television and in movies, etc. is for “the sake of the children” and that the Iraq war has cost $500 billion since its inception, how can you look us in the eye and say that:

We cannot afford universal healthcare for children-Everything we go through nowadays is for the kids. Oh so I have to have a damn 7 sec delay on all sporting events and congressional hearings on music and video games all to protect the babies, but you guys recently passed on a bill that could give health care to children in america. Uh-huh. When it comes to censorship of adults and everything else that is thrown in under the guise of “helping the children”, its cool, but when you have to put money up, its F the kids…Nice, real nice…

Knowing that Oil companies have made collectively over 120 billion in profits this year and that “The Fight for the substantial portion of the World’s Oil reserves” aka The Iraq war has cost $500 billion since its inception, how can you look us in the eye and say that:

Gas prices cannot be at LEAST a dollar cheaper-Its not just at the pump man. Although that hurts like hell too. Its more than that. Increasing gas prices have affected damn near ever facet of our society. Consumer goods: That Gatorade is now 50 cents more expensive b/c it now costs more to get the damn bottle to the stores. Travel: airlines tickets are more expensive because the fuel’s more expensive. Everything that has to be shipped is now more expensive because of gas and you SOB’s are making 120 BILLION dollars in profit. Come the hell on now. What part of the game is that? You say prices are the way they are because of the volatility of the oil market and I feel you on that. Oil’s a bitch, constantly fluctuating. But, you SOB’s are making 120 billion dollars in profit. Seriously, gas cant be 2.50 and you guys get 115 billion? Cut us a break or “for Christ’s sake cut [us] check”…(Before you get all Bernake on me, I know that many oil companies have diverse holdings in other areas that could contribute to their overall bottom line. But, lets be feasible here. They are not called oil companies because they have substantial stake in the Jheri curl market.)

Knowing that there are people who go without food day after day, that there are people that have to live on the streets, that there are people that work 10 hrs a day and still cant support a family, that there are people arrested for taking drugs just to make the day slightly better, that billions are being spent to take a picture of a red rock on mars, you still spent 500 billion dollars on the Iraq war. Now, how in the fuck can you look us in our tired, poor, and huddled eyes with any kind of self-respect and tell us that:

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE.

Consider this your Second Knock.

Loquacious Levity 3-28-2008

2008-03-28T16:48:00.006-04:00

I am sorry, but joking on lame duck presidents just never made sense to me. He doesn't give a crap since he can't be re-elected. Why should we?

Of course, this excludes vice-presidents. Their station is just too funny NOT to joke on...You are essentially a Personal Assistant to the president and a trophy wife to congress. However, it's nice pay for what you are being asked to do...Its kinda like being an NFL kicker. Not much athleticism(or in this case intelligence) needed. Not much effort needed for the pay you receive. BUT, and this is a rather large one, you may get called in, on very short notice, to perform presidential duties and expected to make the best of a terrible situation. Unlike kickers and their last second heroics/bungles, there's not much in the way of assassination-based appointments 'round here lately so not much to worry about Dicky C. Enjoy your last gasps though (i am pretty sure you have so far)...

Hey, isn't a term like douchebag kinda obsolete now? Douches don't have bags anymore or at least i don't think they do...With all the innovations in menstrual accessories, I'm sure a few advancements in douchery have occurred...Yeah, definitely...So, we are going with: He is such a douche-container with aromatic desiccates...nah lets try...He is such a douche pouch with Flumex draining technology...nah, just doesn't have that ba-zing. Obsolete or not "douchebag" just has the right ring to it...ah, well we try to innovate her at EE, but this one's a keeper.

The best part about March Madness so far: getting an appropriate outlet to say the name Longar Longar. I love this name. It just has an alliterative acuity to it, nah'mean...For instance, I get to say that Longar Longar is a center for the OOOOOOOOHKLAHOMA Sooners. Moreover, Longar Longar scored only 2 pts in the recent Sooner Drubbing at the hands of the Louisville Wildcats. Consequently, Longar Longar and his classmates will have to go back OOOOOOOHHHklahoma where the corn is about as high as Longar Longar's left eye...

It really is liberating to write whatever the hell you want when you want...you should try it...

Why is it that it seems all foreign names mean something else? Like Humbaba means blessed giver of epidural to Virgin Mary in Wompeter...Hey, you think you foreigners are so special with your fancy pants names? Everyone's name means something in some language somewhere. Americans are just not pretentious enough to go around telling everyone...Actually, we are pretentious enough to do it we just don’t have the time. For instance, Alvin means noble friend in dutch...Ra'shawd(my best friend's name and author of rising phoenix sports blog. Can you say shameless cross promotion, kids?) means receiver of superfluous apostrophes in Celtic...See we do have meanings...

Whoever it was that broke keisha(i know its spelled wrong but damn it i am taking a stand against weirdly spelled names) cole's heart really did a number on her...She is always singing about heartbreak. For Christ Sake's, she was even talking break-up/heartbreak on that club track with missy elliot. How you gonna talk that on a club track? Did you ever think keisha some of the blame has to be yours? Its quite obvious that you are dating jerks...Why don't you come on 'round to...ah, there i go again hitting on celebs...anyway, i hope it all works our for you, keesh.

How in the hell is it that chickens aren't extinct? We eat their bodies and to top it off, we eat their offspring. How in the hell are there still chickens left. I don't get this at all...

You notice 'round here lately that the number of people a "study" has to have to be legitimate is decreasing? For example, I saw some study about cancer. I don't remember too many specifics, but lets say for the sake of argument that it said "reacharounds" go a long way toward preventing colon cancer...Now, this study only sampled like 150 people? What kind of representative sample is that? On that note, notice that the length of study is also decreasing as well...No, more 1-2 year studies...Get about 50 ppl, take about a month, and boom you get "a snot rocket to the eye socket once a day cures glaucoma." This is probably why the side effects portion of drug TV advertisements is longer than the actual commercial. Not taking enough time to test and reconfigure...

Am I the only one that notices when you are goofing off at work that this is the time when the most people wanna walk past your desk?

Ok...Ok...Sections of the Population with the highest percentage composition of people who just don’t give a shit:

1. Reality Show contestants 99% of respective population- I cant really blame these guys. You mean someone will pay me 500K to watch me ruin my life with a lie detector test…I can lose all these pounds and possibly be famous for it…I get to live in an exotic place where I can walk around half naked and the natives have few sexual taboos…Shoot, why not? Hey, I won’t blame reality show guys fully. The opportunity to be famous is tempting indeed. But, honestly, I just cant put myself through that kind of scrutiny to be famous. Writing a blog that no one reads is as far as Ima take it…

2. DMV workers-92% of respective population. Word. Its like that, huh? Look me in my eye and just sit there? Really?... This is the only place Ive ever seen where people don’t care about looking like they are working or at least acting like they’re trying their best to serve you. You see dudes eating their lunch, talking on the phone, filing their nails all while a line the size of king kong’s intestinal tract is quietly snaking around the building and into the next area code…Come on now…

3 The Elderly-89% of respective population. Man, old people really don’t give a shit...well ill say if they don't know you...Grammies are always the nicest in the family, but don't let her get in that post office line...she will just walk past everyone...really, grammy? That’s what’s hot in the street? An old man will walk right through you. Oh and don't let them get behind the wheel of a car. I kinda feel em though. If I made it that far in life, I’d be like “f-em” too...

4. State Troopers-82% of respective population. This is actually good in the grand scheme of things. But, You get pulled over by a state trooper? Its a wrap. Some of them may let you go sometimes…maybe just maybe…if Jupiter is aligned just right with Mars, but most times you will run into the super trooper that don't give a shit about where you gotta go or who you gotta see. You better have a bleeding body in the back seat(not of own your doing, of course ) like Harvey Keitel in “Reservoir Dogs” or you are getting that ticket. Oh, in Virginia that percentage goes up to 100%. VA troopers don’t play…again it’s a good thing but still…

5. Niggas-80% of the respective population. I will quote Sam Jackson from “The Boondocks” on this one: “I don’t mean nigga in the racial sense. I mean it as a general description for ignorant mutha…” Yeah, niggas don’t give a shit…it would be 100% but I realize some cats do niggerish things out of circumstance…Like that guy who starts pushing you out side the bar…you COULD walk away, but this douche-container with aromatic desiccates(nah still don’t work) is sorely in need of a hearty AW…I feel you…so ima bump this down to 80%, but just know if you see a nigga of any race, just assume that mutha don’t give a shit and walk away. Don’t risk it…

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

A drop of paint...

2008-03-24T18:52:00.010-04:00

As winter and spring start to blur
We dream of things that never were
Solstice to solstice we move each year
Has come millenia 'fore and when we're no longer here

It takes seasons changing their space
To put us humans in our proper place
We can no more stop the earth's rotation
than we can change our worldly station

For we are specks on a larger plane
mere wrinkles on a larger brain
This is NOT our world to mar and maim
Some legal birthright ours to claim

Rather its a divine gift
our home before Heaven's lift
We are mere tenets to a Master's lease
a drop of paint in God's masterpiece

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Appreciate!!!

Ummm...yeah about that...

2008-03-19T22:07:00.003-04:00

Get this: the guy that replaced Eliot Spitzer or as i like to refer to him "a pimp named slickback" has had extra marital affairs...hahahaha classic. The guy that got replaced for wet willing has been replaced by another iceberg slim...hahaha, either the governor position really is cursed or:

men really are pieces of shit...maybe its a little of both. So, uh-ra disregard that last post...

Quick thought...

2008-03-16T19:20:00.003-04:00

Just one quick thought and I'm going to get out of here, but OK:

I know what Eliot Spitzer did was against the law. I know he brought embarrassment to himself and his family. BUT, can we get off this kick of making the wife the saint? Its not even her fault. Its just that every time a man steps out on a woman, women get all "you betrayed my trust." OK that maybe true. But it was implicit in the marriage vows that you will take care of a man's "needs" Wasn't it? There is about a 7 to 1 ratio of women to men. If you don't, there are many that will...

Now, taking a marriage vow is sacred to me(with the divorce rate over 50% one would not think so...that's what adds so much comedy to this situation). You are making a promise to God, remember Him? So, I am not condoning infidelity. What I am condoning is for women to hold up their end of the bargain, too. You cant get married and stop having sex with your husband. What part of the game is that? I said in an earlier post that given humans are animals, why is it so hard to believe men are predisposed to spreading their seed? While there is no discernible mating season for humans, men have an inherent urge to spread or in this case bed as many women as possible. Monogamy is a human creation....

With that said, before everyone gets all self righteous on the morals front(you can be that way all you want on the legal side, the bastard did break the law), lets find out what is going on in that household...Case in point: now that you have met Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail and seen that even at her best she comes off as icy, can you really blame Bill for his indiscretions? Take a look at Silda Spitzer. Does she strike you as the romantic, sexual type?

You see its not that i don't think Eliot broke the law or even broke his promise to God. Its more than that. I get tired of this bullshit ass double standard. When a women steps out on a man, its "oh she must have needed more attention, he wasn't there for her. Good for her for finding love"...but when a man steps out, its "hes a dog he is despicable". No, the SOB just needed some "attention"... If you do all you can to make a man happy(sex, food, family, the works) and he still steps out, then the SOB IS a dog and despicable. Many times this is the case, i will admit...but if you don't take care of a man's needs, well then, this type of shit is gonna happen. I am sorry.

What i don't get is: why doesn't sex fall into a wife's duties? Society says that a wife is supposed to do a lot of things And most of all a wife bears a man's children, which takes two to make but carrying and bearing children is so dangerous. I would like to take this time to bestow my infinite thanks to women everywhere for that. But, sex HAS to be part of the deal, FOREVER. It just does...so before everyone jumps on the wife's bandwagon, lets just take a deeper look...

One more thing, umm, all these politicians need to be real careful with the vitriol here. Hey, there were a lot of politicians frequenting that Prostitution Ring...so uh-ra you might want to be Pro-Spitzer. You know, just in case

hmm...I wanted to come off pro-male but i think i just came off like a dick...but hey, not exactly new territory...

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Abstain!!!

Headlines...

2008-03-16T14:16:00.004-04:00

Bill Clinton to Electorate: "See, don't you kinda feel where I was coming from now?"

Adam "Pac-Man" Jones to recruit Eliot Spitzer for posse

Effigists in foreign countries excited at the opportunity to burn an American president of color in effigy

Report confirms John McCain's 71 years of age said to be "Reagan-esque"; did not confirm Alzheimer's

Kevin Federline said to be father of Jamie-lynn Spears's baby

NYPD Calls off search for Knicks Team's heart; James Dolan's common sense

Joseph said to have been a bit skeptical at his wife's Virginity

God confesses that he has never done anything to affect the outcome of a sporting event however is flattered by the assumption...

Taco Bell is said to have no comment on its recent "Most Racist Franchise" Award

The guy who was shot by Dick Cheney admits he was kinda being a dick that day...

Chicken eats whole human; said it tasted like his brother...

Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama: "Yo' Momma"

February and April have an intervention for March; reports Madness affecting relationship...

Alleged clever blogger makes up ridiculous headlines; no one reads them...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Desiderata...

2008-03-12T15:54:00.002-04:00

Cherish your birth it gets worse
Maybe cursed from the get-go
Reap, Sow, Peep flow...

If you seek the american dream but can't sleep
everyday's a hustle making moves on the street
and you're struggling to make ends meet
aint even close enough to speak to one another,
Switch drummers, changes beats and...

Make your own groove
to stand alone you have to bury 'em all
so keep heat close to you, stand tall
What a man's supposed to do
and if all else fails, go postal
Keep your heart local but think global
Stack dough but stay negro
with nigga tendencies
Life symmetry ebb and flow
goes through all entities
Respect it it respects you.
Love your enemies
But keep close
Think before you raise toast
Death is Permanent
Roll the herbal and toke, yeah you learning it

Can't float through life
you gonna need a boat
and its gonna be trife sometimes but keep hope
give enough rope
They'll hang you
think of all ways to bang you
But stay true...To my black babies

Desiderata: this is stuff you gotta know
To make life a little better 'fore you go
Cop the tape, rewind it, and peep flow
I hope your mind grows...

Loquacious Levity 3-11-08

2008-03-11T15:59:00.009-04:00

I am not even gonna lie to you. The Iran situation scares the shit out of me. I knew Iran was always a wildcard but I did not know their leader,Mahmoud Ahmadinejad., was a crazy son of a bitch...I didnt really peep it until he came to Columbia. Ill admit students showed out too much with hyperbolic insults and just general snobbery, for lack of a better word. But, what struck me as odd was the smirk he kept on his face like, "keep talking America , I got something for ya"...I mean really, this mutha just seems like the type that wouldnt mind starting WW III just to go down in history for starting it...

He is just a wild card, megalomanic(knows one when i sees one). I am not sure if we should send him some Omaha Steaks or come to his rest 3 in the morning "just us and the guns." With crazy muthas you never really know...I do know, as hypocritical as it sounds, that SOB does NOT need any nuclear weapons...We definitely need to see to that...On that note

North Korea is a bit scary too just because they have been a bit too quiet lately. It always rubbed me the wrong way that NK wouldn't let the UN investigate. ..It could have just been NK had a junkie house and didnt want company over or NK could just be stock piling nukes... Who knows...but Innocents have nothing to hide. Besides, that missle launch they had not too long ago just seemed a bit too innocuous...Kim Jong Il isnt exactly free from mental defects himself. Can someone have a napolean AND an inferiority complex at the same time...Il just seems like he wants to wild out...Ditto for NK on the nuclear front...just in case

Man, Ive have never come off THAT elitist before...broke knew ground on that one...

Here let me have a one on one with Eliot Spitzer...I am disappointed in you Eliot! Its not the whole prostitution thing. Hey, you are a politician. Whores and Lobbyists are your thing. But, EL you were ATTORNEY F-ING GENERAL...you dont know how to skirt the law? You are a freaking lawyer for Christ's sake......man, the way you went after stealing execs and the way you cleaned up the NY justice system made me have tons of respect for you, eliot...but hey, now you are just another disgraced govenor

Is it just me or does the governor position just seemed to be cursed...You had Mcgreevey, Corzine almost died trying to go to that Imus/rutgers "apology" thing, now Spit...I like to lead like the next man, but you can have the govenor position

Is guiness really trying to make St Pat's a national holiday? Why not the superbowl? Cats probably drink more alcohol that day than St Pats...actually, nevermind...no contest. God Speed guiness, God Speed

My nickname should be comma fault...

Its a damn shame the internet and its expansive libraries of porn has really caused the younger generation to miss out on the joy of a victoria secret catalog...Tyra used to hold a brother down...

Hold up, though... The vicky secret catalog came to my house addressed to my momma...[*lets the thought sink in*] ewwwwwww......never really thought about that before....

Terrible thought; horrible thought...

Nah, still not out of my head yet...

Ok ok...Best Accents worldwide.
1. British-I mean they can say the moon is just a spotlight from an intergalactic titty bar and itll sound smart...just cant beat that
2. French-everything sounds sexy in a french accent...
3. Spanish-same as above, but the spanish language is so passionate that even the accent sounds full of vigor...
4.Boston-hilarious accent. I love it.
5. Southern...i admit its an accent that doesnt lend itself to an intelligence connotation, but you can get anything you want with it. Ppl are just naturally nice to people with southern accents. It may not sound smart like a brits, but you can just hear the empathy and caring in it. Try this, the next time you need something done, try giving a southern accent and see if it doesnt get done faster...its better than a bribe...well not better but close...

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

The Grand Arcanum...

2008-03-10T12:49:00.015-04:00

The grand Arcanum is a method by which the Philosopher's Stone is made in the science of Alchemy (this is within the anime show "Full Metal Alchemist" I guess this is two pieces of the puzzle). The term "Alchemy" is generally used to describe the process of turning lead into gold. While that is a piece, the theory behind alchemy is basically the breaking down of an element (remember matter cannot be destroyed) and its subsequent recreation as something else.

Alchemy has rules. And as with every science, it is mainly about balance. In essence, "to obtain something of equal value must be lost." That is the first law of alchemy. There is no lion without a gazelle. There is no water without a balance between Hydrogen and Oxygen. For example, you cannot turn a dime into a skyscraper without the necessary matter to do so, sacrificing the necessary effort to balance the equation. However, the Philosopher's stone bypasses those laws so to speak. With the Philosopher's Stone, one does not need a medium(transmutation circle in this case) as a catalyst, one does not need to sacrifice, one does not need balance. Everything you need is already stored in the Stone.

While the show "Full Metal Alchemist" is quite obviously fantasy, there is a metaphor behind it. The Philosopher's Stone is the mind. A tool, if properly created and cultivated, is limitless. A mind can bypass the laws of physics. How a person can walk over hot coals and not get burned? How can a spirit continue to exist without a body? All of this is capable through the mind. With that said, there is a philosopher's stone in all of us. Its just what you are willing to sacrifice to cultivate it, be it hours spent pouring over tomes or time with loved ones, partying, etc.

The Grand Arcanum calls for 10, 000 souls for the creation of a philosophers stone. The pain, the heartbreak, the essence of humanity, is captured in this tiny red stone. Just like your mind. Your mind is partly the sum of your experiences as a human. The schooling, the rearing, the pain, the joy, etc is all trapped in there. The other part is an untapped source of potential energy waiting to be unlocked. The issue is just what you chose to use it for.

This blog is my Grand Arcanum. The sum of all my experiences(my essence: what I am and am to be, if you will) with the hope that I can create a collective philosopher's stone out of the minds of the masses. It is a grandiose undertaking, i know(told you i was a megalomaniac the first post). But if we all band together for the common good we can make a utopia, bypassing the limit of human fallibility and onward back to Eden. Combined our voice, our reason, our being will be a force for change.

Destroy whats is To create what should be
Unite through the power of Synergy
THE FULL METAL...

PEACE!!!

Headlines...

2008-03-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

-Congress admits that other problems plauging america too hard to fix, rather focus on steroids

-Brett favre to start a charity org., "A Gunslinger's Hope", dedicated to feeding hungry defensive backs interceptions

-A Roger Clemens's physical did not reveal a third ear rather a third test-ticle

-Tracy McGrady's right eye vows to hit the gym, stop being lazy

-Charles Barkley adds chicken marsala to his fav five

-Fred Taylor's Groin and Ken Griffey's hamstring to start support group for battered athlete body parts.

-A federal investigation is probing whether Barry Bonds lied about stains in his underwear being chocolate

-Global oil reserves dwindling, Quinn Snyder and Pat riley said to be very upset

-Andy Pettite divorces wife and marries A-rod's daughter, Subsequently arrested for pedophilia

-On the Maury Povich show, Bill Belicheck found to be the father of Monayhan's baby, Commissioner Goddell to review sex tape.

-Saints fans who loaned paper bags to Texans fans may need them back

-Timothy McVeigh to start for new Oklahoma City NBA team.

-Fouth person tense created to allow self-centered athletes to quote themselves referring to themselves in past interviews

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

National Bigotry Assoc.

2008-03-05T14:24:00.008-05:00

Begin Scene: The ordinary, run of the mill sports talk show. There are two hosts who sit at a post-modern, polychromatic desk. One is black and one is white. As the two hosts prep for the upcoming broadcast reading the copy info in front of them, the make-up girl makes the final touches to the multiple layers of clairol cake on the hosts' faces. The producer shoos away the makeup girl and gives the hosts the 30 seconds-to-air warning. 25 seconds later the camera man counts down. 5-4-3-2...He points to the hosts. Its time to go.

Bob, the white host: Welcome to NBA Shootaround. We have a jammed pack show today and we start with the sheer dominance of the Birmingham Pigeonholes, currently undefeated 30 games into the season. Tyrus, just what is the key in their rise to dominance.

Tyrus: Well Bob, the first kudos have to go to the management of this franchise. They have really put together, for lack of a better phrase, a bigoted all-star team with strentghs at every position. Yes, Jimmy Jingoist the president of this franchise has really afforded the GM, Kevin Karat-Kline, all the room and authority to really build a solid team.

Bob: Yes, word around the league Jimmy Jings, as he is affectionately called, only provides the means for Kevin Karat to carry out his day to day duties and lets Kevin make all the moves he needs. I know Kevin K, formerly under the meticulous thumb of owner James Dolan, really appreciates the freedom of Jimmy Jings. I know you been waiting for this Tyrus. Lets go on the court. Just what exactly is the reason for these staggering numbers.

Tyrus: Again, Bob, this is a bigotry all star team we got here. Loads of talent and loads of upside. Lets start with the leader and heart of this team, "the muslim terrorist". While he has not had the numbers he had in his break out season in 2001 , he is still a threat. He is putting up an average of 15.5 hate crimes perpertrated against per game. He averages 21.5 negative mentions on the news per game. And last but not least his sterotype numbers are one of the main reasons for this team's success. This man is the epitome of stereotype ball. Not only does he have the huge "all muslims are terrrorists", encompassing millions across the world, he has the not to shabby sterotype "all arabs are terrorists" going for him as well. Bob, i know many do not expect him to possibly match his stereotype numbers from his record-breaking 2004 november,but I foresee a big Novemeber for him this year even matching or surpassing his 2004 output.

Bob: Ty, it is simply amazing the numbers this star is putting up. With republicans and democrats alike trotting out their terrorist platforms this year, his negative mention numbers should skyrocket as well. I agree that this november may top his record breaking season. However, we would be remiss if we did not mention the other stars of this team. What do you feel that "the token black guy" and "the illegal immigrant mexican" bring to this team.

Tyrus: Jim, like i said this is a bigotry all star team and these two gentleman are no exception. "Token black guy" is putting up staggering negative mention numbers, picking up the slack for "the muslim terrorist" on off nights. His stereotype numbers have been falling since the appearance of more black CEO's and the arrival of more soulful white people. But he has the "big penis" and "thief" stereotypes to fall back on. When that fails he has his patented "chicken and watermelon" routine to bump his numbers. But, my biggest suprise and X-factor night in and night out, is the scrappy rookie, "the illegal immigrant mexican." With the primaries underway, his negative mentions have been soaring. While never a consistent hate crime threat, his stereotype numbers add a big boost to this team. While the frequency of this stereotype is not what you want with the current league landscape, add the influx of hispanic americans, an american tendency to call all darker skin persons of hispanic origin mexicans, and the progandist fear of illegal immigrants and leprosy, his stereotype numbers are huge in the clutch. Plus he always has the "lazy" stereotype to fall back on when immigration concern is low.

Bob: I agree Ty, but i think my X-factor would have to be "the faggot", longtime allstar in this league. I think it was a masterful move by the team to making a trade with the New York Hicks to get this guy and all they had to give up was recently struggling "mafioso italian" and "drunken irishman". Long thought to be aging given he has been in the league since the AIDS/homosexual frenzy of the 80's, "the faggot" still has decent hate crime numbers even if his negative mentions and stereotypes are becoming less potent. Add his numbers with "the jews" solid stereotype and hate crime averages as well as "the hindu customer service rep.'s" stats off the bench, and it makes this team the total package. Great team and record season. Kudos to all.

Tyrus: I agree whole heartedly, Bob.

Bob: Ok when we get back we will be taking a look at the expiring profit sharing agreement under discussion by league owners and bigots, league supporters. Who deserves the money? The bigots who created this league or the owners masterfully capitalize off their fear and hate? We return with comments from various league sources as well as our poll from you.

End Scene

Loquacious Levity 3-4-2008

2008-03-04T13:56:00.036-05:00

Ok, so some dude in a suit walks into a Wendy's and Kills a few folk then kills himself. My first thought after "fuck, man. why the hell would you do that" was: "damn now you cant even trust people in a suit." I know that all the accounting scandals, nee, out right lies that lead to the demise of many companines early in this millenium made you distrust those greedy bastards at the top, rightfully so, but if you did not trust the "suits" in the ethical sense, you were certain that a dude in a suit at LEAST had his head on straight...enough to keep a decent job anyway...

Now this whole situation brought an ugly demon of mind out to the surface. In the coverage of this on the local news(stamford, ct), there was no pic of the shooter. Not even a freaking name...the day before i saw a black perpetrator of a crime's face plastered all over the screen(robbery). When someone kills someone else in cold blood for NO REASON(no scuffed shoes no baby mama drama, etc. I know those are not valid reasons to take a life but its A REASON...) there is no picture. I am not gonna lie to you. This guy had to be white. Not necessarily white, just not black. You know i am the first one to put the race card back in the deck but come the FUCK ON NOW...what kind of unbiased journalism is that?...

You may say that "they withhold the pic in these circumstances to deter anyone who would want to get famous by this method"...uh-huh...Ok, cant you say the same for posting a picture of a robber...? And, its not that said black perpetrator didnt do anything wrong but its hard to dispell the negative "thief" STEREOtype when the only time we see black folk on the news is when we fuck up...i mean give us something here. You will give the camera to Jesse or Al's sensationalist messages(btw, appreciate all youve done for us fellas but its about that time, dont you think?), but when a black man(obama supporter) articulately says the healthcare system is complex and hard to change and subsequently explains why when called on it, it has to be circulated through emails(i got it as a fwd from mom dukes...) Not a sniff of this on the news. Unbiased journalism, huh...on that note:

You know ive never actually seen a phrase turn into an oxymoron before. Usually by time i get to it, it has already happened...like World Peace..."unbiased journalism" is now an oxymoron people. We have witnessed in the past 30 years or so the total bastardization of the 4th estate by ratings-hungry producers and corporate parent companies. With all the trumphed up epidemic scares(remember SARS...it probably killed, what, 200 people world wide? epidemic my ass) to bogus war information with no type of fact-checking, my generation witnessed the degradation of a once fine medium. I wish i would have seen Murrow or Buckley(while i didnt agree with Buck in ideology you gotta admit the man was a wordsmith..) in action back in the day. That would have been a breath of fresh air. Ah-well. If it werent so disheartening it would actually be fascinating from a literary prespective to see the transformation of a truth into a lie, into a mockery, into an oxy moron...

Um...i hate to toot my own horn but have you seen someone string a sentence together like me? Actually not so much sentences as they are random gatherings of polysyllabic words to culminate in a rational thought...yeah thats about right...

Toot ones own horn, huh...Are you gonna toot someone elses? I wouldnt if i were you not until you go on a date first...dont be a slut...

Word of the day: sesquipedalian...

Really man, aint there a way to, you know, abolish all peas from this planet. What has a pea ever done for you.? All it does is piss princesses off and ruin good soup! Lets put a stop to this nonsense. I would like my generation to be the last to have to suffer through the horror that are Peas...

When was the last time you diagrammed a sentence?

That- shit- was -pointless.
prn -noun-verb-adj...

I hope Mickey V. found a nice young man that will make his remaining months a joy...aint love grand...

Hey btw, you know what my dog's name( a "black labrador"/mutt )was growing up? Sprinkles"...and, i know what you are thinking...

Yes that is the gayest name for a dog ever(not that there is anything wrong with that)

But seriously, you got some smiggidy about my dog, man...? Ill cut you over that shit...dont play...

I guess, the whole Mike Vick thing did play out like you would have expected though...People are just irrational when it comes to their dogs...But is there any other being on this earth that wont stab you in the back, generally loves your company, is there for you thick or thin rich or poor fat or more fat, and is your obedient servant no questions asked? Nope. Want one? Get a dog...

Its no coincidence that dog is an anagram for God...I am just saying...think about it...

Alright so ive railed against the media...told a few jokes...gave Peas the business...and likened dogs to God...yep my work's done here today

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

125th and Lenox Ave.

2008-03-01T14:59:00.004-05:00

I love going to Harlem. Its the epitome of free enterprise, a laisse-faire if you will. You want cigarettes. They got 'em. You want some bootleg porn, they got it. Anything you need is up for sale. Its like a swap meet, you know except with a whole bunch of black people. I love that part. Its like I am back in school(went to an HBCU NC A&T BABY!!! dont know what an HBCU is? Go look it up...) So the main drag of Harlem is a befitting title for a post giving free stuff. I wanted to do this off the bat but I wanted to lay low, nah'mean. I think this is a good time. Now, if you have been reading me, you know I am not gonna make this easy. I am going to give you a riddle and if you can figure it out youll know what the download is or you COULD just download it and find out, but you want a challenge, dont you? So...

What you need, money. I got:

A record from a member of one of the most influential rap groups of all time. His voice, in his own words, is "a little moist but choice". Known for his "crying" style and eccentric at best, nonsensical at worst, lyrical content, he has had the most success out of his pioneering brethren. This is the latest offering from this gentleman and judging by the title, his overall success has him in need of some sort of rehab for it. Enjoy...

Anesthesia part 1...

2008-02-29T14:34:00.005-05:00

So its been about a month and a half since this whole crazy blog experiment started. BTW, Thanks for forgetting our month-iversary, but its cool. One of the reason for starting this, outside of, you know, changing the world, was to have a proving ground for my budding writing career. Well, here it is: my first short story. I will come right out and say that prose is not exactly my forte. I am more of an editorial/expository kind of writer, but hey, that never stopped chris webber from rapping, snoop dogg from acting(he's actually not that bad), etc etc. So, without further preamble...ok a little preamble So this will be like a 4 parter(b/c of space constraints and I havent finished writing the damn thing) and at the end ill tell you what I was going for and will see if it matches up. Ok here we go:

Anesthesia part 1
“Where am I,” the man asks himself after sitting bolt upright in a pool of indiscernible liquid. The heat is unbearable there. It sits upon his skin like a sweater, thick and encompassing. The ground around him is soft and caresses his back and legs gently. The man looks around and sees a vast expanse of nothingness. No buildings. No people. No one at all. Solitude is a bitter pill when expected but when one wakes up to it suddenly, it is terrifying. Accordingly, the man’s hands shake. He looks down at his chest and sees 4 holes in his abdomen. These holes do not spill blood rather pulse in a reddish hue. “Where the HELL am I,” he speaks aloud. No one answers. The man disregards the light emanating from his chest, again looks at his surroundings, and decides he must set off. He stands with the awkwardness of a fawn attempting to walk for the first time, warily. As he is in the crouch position, calves flexing with the effort to stand, the glow from his chest gets brighter as if unknown energy was flowing into his chest cavity. “AAAAAAAHHH, the man exclaims as rivulets of pain cascade through his nerves. There was no echo only expansive abyss.
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“Baby, you gotta get up. I know it’s hard but you gotta get up and get ready,” a middle aged woman yells from the kitchen towards the back of the apartment. She stands in the middle of the kitchen holding a plate filled with sausages slick with animal fat. Already on the table: a serving dish piled with scrambled eggs, three large bowls of grits, an ovular dish of bacon, and a box of cereal. Normally, the family would fend for themselves for breakfast, but this is a special occasion. Today is the funeral for the patriarch of this nuclear family. A sad story as any death would appear to be.
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The father, a supervisor at a local manufacturing plant, after years and years of surviving unsafe work conditions, high blood pressure, and just being a black man in America, fell to the ground suddenly outside the local corner store. Dead: aneurysm, they say. “They” never speak of the “why” part of death just the “what” and the confirmation of its occurrence. “They” is the omnipresent group of somebodys that convene to regulate and monitor all colloquialisms, gossip, crimes perpetrated on the public, and etc.
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“I WAS BORN BY THE RIV-AH...IN A LITTLE TENT...,” Mr. Sam Cooke sings. Mr. Cooke emanates from a small radio in the corner of the bedroom. However, he is singing for an audience of one. Johnny sits in his bedroom in a rather melancholy and inebriated state. Like his mother, he is now getting ready for his father’s funeral. Or should be. He put on his pants about 15 minutes ago and was in the process of buttoning his starched, white shirt until he saw his countenance in the dresser mirror. His eyes, bloodshot and twitching, were of a watery sort but not tearful.

After he was ridiculed by his classmates for crying vociferously after a violent asthma attack, he swore at age 8, a sensitive and tender boy by all accounts, that he was never going to cry again. EVER. He was gonna get strong and never have to deal with being weak again. He was upholding his promise sustained only with the assistance of one of his father's whiskey bottles. He stared at the man staring back at him, his eyes twitched harder.
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“Hellooooooooo,” the man calls in futile effort to find Life. He has calmed down in the last 15 minutes. Or at least it had seemed like 15 minutes. It could have been 15 seconds or 15 days. The ground, soft and sponge-like, sinks in with each new step. The holes in his chest still glow with an ethereal intensity. “Helloooo,” he calls. The thought should have occurred to him that in a place as empty and vast as this, there should be some sort of echo, but rational, level-headed thinking was never his forte. Maybe it’s for the best this time though. He counts his steps. He has been 100 steps since he decided to start counting his steps. “one-oh-one, one-oh-two, 1-oh-ahh---” The extreme heat is taking its toll as he tries to breathe normally. He wheezes. He coughs. He vomits.

“Now that’s just nasty,” says a blurred apparition, new to the situation. “I know your mother taught you better than that.”
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“Cut ‘hat mu’ic off and ‘ome on,” the mother yells, hot bacon and eggs spilling out of her mouth. “We gon’ be ‘ate ‘amn it.” She swallows her food hard, reaches for more bacon, and shoves it into her mouth quickly. “Now that would be a sight. The man’s own family late to his funeral. Damn shame that would be. Damn shame,” the mother thinks to herself. She then swallows her food hard, reaches for more grits, and shoves a spoonful of them into her mouth. She looks up to the ceiling languidly assuming that her husband was good enough to get up There or at least slick enough to talk the Big Guy into letting him in. Her husband was always a slick talker, smooth as eggs, but about as tough as burnt bacon. She finally lets her mind guide her. It floats gently to the first time they met:

She worked by day at the neighborhood dry cleaners as the register girl. Every week her future husband would come in and would bring her the same pair of dress pants to clean every time. She said to him finally, “Don’t you got no more dress pants than these. The crotch is wearing thin,” she asks, pointing just below the zipper. “Well, it does have a heavy load to carry day in and day out,” he shot back, “and, besides, these ain’t my pants no way. They are my cousin’s.”

“Huh,” she exclaimed quizzically, “then why you always bringing them in?”

“How else would I see you,” he asked with a hundred watt smile.

During her revelry, the kitchen clock, slave to fastidiousness, chimes melodically. “Bing-Bong, Bing-Bong,” it reports not realizing the musings of wall clocks are not appreciated at the moment. Nonetheless, it’s 8 o’clock. The clock’s chimes throw her back to the present. “Where the hell is that boy,” she thinks to herself. She looks down at the table while a thick fog of loneliness descends on her. “Tic, Tic, Tic,” says the other constant in life beside death.

“They” speak about soul mates in life, a special someone for everyone. The wife never really believed in that mumbo-jumbo. But, she felt a connection with THAT man. She could feel it every time he spoke. His velvety, bass-filled voice would enter her ear, snake down her spine and rattle in the depths of her womanhood. She never liked to be alone for too long. There was always someone around. A mother, a sister, or a friend. If left to her own devices, all her fears, worries, and off-kilter thoughts would consume her; she referred to this internally as the Darkness. There were many nights she opened her balcony window just to let the sounds of civilization envelope her. She confided in her husband about this darkness, this consumer of hapiness. Her husband understood this and he stayed with her, laid on the bed sheets with her even if he wasn’t tired. Not like all the other men she met. Nobody understood her like him. She swallows her food hard, reaches for sausage, and shoves it into her mouth quickly, furiously. The fog thickens. The Darkness is coming.

“Tic, Tic, Tic,” says time. Its screams at her, pounds in her ears. It is now 8:01-too early in the morning to cry; too late to say goodbye. In lieu of this, she slams her hand forcefully on the table. “Bam”, it reports. It shakes; the eggs fall to the floor, the box of cereal topples. “You son of a b***h….You son of a b***h...”
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Letter to Shareholders-Acme Industries's

2008-02-27T12:41:00.006-05:00

Dear Shareholder,

As you may know there has been a lot activity during this fiscal year. We will begin with our recent achievements. We are pleased to inform you that we are now officially "green" in all of our factories. We have gotten rid of the previous asbestos-spewing air conditioning units and the toxic waste conveyor belt we've used the first 99 years of our existence, but we go by the law: "better late than never".

In an unrelated note, employee mortality rates are at their lowest level in our 100 year history. Also for the first time ever, we have a health care plan for factory workers(originally just for executives) to back up this claim. Yes, the factories are loving their new Baflack/HMO. These recent employee changes will decrease our bottom line, but the safety and health of our employees has always been paramount. We are also pleased to inform you that our stock price is now at 1,000 dollars per share, but we aim to get that number up to 1500 per share by optimizing our factory space in addressing a long standing employee-overcrowding issue.

As well as our recent successes, Acme has been embroiled in a few minor legal conflicts. We want to instill in you our confidence that the recent lawsuit filed by one, Mr. Wil E. Coyote, is frivolous and unfounded. We have a legacy of over 100 years of providing quality products and services. We take pride in our creations and go to great lengths to ensure their safety with proper use. We also have pending litigation from a midwestern contingent of megalomanical farmers who want to rid the world of gophers. The lawsuit contends that the farmers were given cancer because we included toxic materials from china in an attempt to increase profits. We want to stand by our defense that we were not aware that the same Chinese factory that makes dog food and toothpaste also makes the buttons for our Rocket powered artillery division. Here at Acme, we want our products to be deadly not toxic.

In an unrelated bit of good news, we are purchasing a Chinese dog food and toothpaste company to diversify our already large firm. Our holdings in MotherFlurbers, makers of .9 mm baby pacifiers, and ClassRoles, makers of explosive file folders for teenagers, will not be affected by this new acquisition.

Lastly, we made 100 Billion dollars in profit for the year. In a related note in light of this record breaking profit, the Board of Directors has authorized bonuses and raises for the entire executive team.

As always, it is our goal to do everything in our power to make the shareholders happy. After all, you are our favorite customers.

Sincerely,

B. Astards III, CEO and Chairman, WEa, pHd mbU, ReT. lieUtenant-Armed Forces.

"We don't believe you...

2008-02-26T11:49:00.001-05:00

"you need more people"-Jay-Z

Roger Clemens is a non-juicer...sorry, you need more people...(this along with "do you have the job security of Isaiah"...will be a running item until it is irrelevant and Roger confesses. And, judging from the way all this has played out thus far...I think it should be relevant for years to come)

“Crank Dat Batman” is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(umm, YEAH...hey man i know every song aint gotta suit my fancy, but hot damn...that is a terrible fucking song. I mean its so bad that if i ever see these dudes...Im punching them square in the face and thats "word to my seed-dah". I like the whole "snap song" trend, its catchy and gives you something to dance to. Its not big on lyrical content but hey everything has its place. This right hurr dough...is not...its just not...F it...im moving on)

The Showtime/CBS show, Dexter, is not one of the best shows on TV...sorry, you need more people...(here i go again with the righteous "you should watch this show...blah blah"..but man, this show is on another level. Its clever, well-acted, and very engaging. Its a bit gory, but thats cool you should be used to it on network TV by now. Give it a shot, pretty puh-lease...)

Crank Dat Batman is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(yeah i had to run this one twice...)

America is still the most powerful country in the world...sorry you need more people...(I guess this is technically right given there is no one country more powerful in the world, for better or worse, but you gotta admit we are slipping as a dominant country. With the way we botched the Iraq war why should anybody fear us let alone respect us anymore? The dollar isnt the strongest currency(we are behind the Euro and if you can believe the canadian dollar). We dont make the best anything anymore either. No food, no toys, no clothes, no toothpaste, for Christ's Sake, we dont even do our own customer service anymore. How do you outsource a call? Damn thats bad. All that aside though, recent war "win"/loss record and all, we still have the most nukes though if you anybody wanna take it there(or at least i hope. I have a hunch that pakistan is slowly building a nuclear arsenal better than ours under the radar, hahaha what you know about parens inside of parens. this is history ppl)...but lets hope not...No point being the most powerful nation in the world again if there aint no world...but i digress)

The Patriots are the 2004 Superbowl Champions...sorry you need more people...(I thought we went over this in the last LL post. Those bastards cheated! It wasnt just against the Rams...Oh so they found a successful way to win but they just decided to get ethical in the face of a team that could beat them? BULLFEATHERS...They are co-champs with the Panthers...matter of fact this is gonna be another runnning item until everybody comes to their senses. Write your congressperson. Petition at the courthouse. We need to make this happen. Oh and while you're writing and petitioning, feel free to picket something like increased funding for stem cell research too, but STAY FOCUSED on this people...! Ill be watching...)

Atheists...sorry you need more people...( I dont have the time to delve too deep into this one right now. I think ima do a "mythbusters" post on this topic, but really? I know, religion can be disenfranchising at times, but NO GOD at all? really? Do you know that your heart on average beats 70 times per minute? Try doing that with your hand? Hurts like hell dont it? Have you seen a sunset? Evolution, even? Come on, we can explain why we walk upright, the heart, sunsets etc, etc, but you dont feel that there is some overall force moving all of this? Call it energy, Call it Akira, Call it God, but there is SOMETHING that is moving the heavens and life itself. To think that we are anything other than a wrinkle on a larger brain is kinda arrogant, but you are entitled to your opinion, but to me, you just need more peeps, quite frankly...On that note:)

An opinion cannot be wrong...sorry you need more people( i know i know by definition an opinion cant be wrong. Isn't that just being nice about people's inner thoughts? By and large, most opinions cant be wrong, i understand. Por Ejemplo, "In my opinion, vanilla ice cream is the best ice cream ever, EVER" How the hell can you disprove that...it cant be wrong. However, what about opinions based on erroneous information? Like if everything that came out about roger clemens so far was false, my opinion that he is a lying, patronizing bastard would be based on erroneous information. I would rescind my previous opine and change it. In theory, my previous opinion would have been technically wrong...but "yall dont hear me, you just wanna dance"...on that note though...UNA VEZ MAS:

Crank Dat Batman is a viable form of music...sorry, you need more people...(and opinion or not this cannot possibly be wrong or refuted so dont even try...)

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 2-25-2008

2008-02-25T10:22:00.000-05:00

Someone said that Capitalism is inherently evil. Close but not so. How glorious is capitalism with its ability to let someone be as famous as rich as anything that they can be. There is NO ceiling, at least theoretically. Capitalism tells us that a man can and should earn what his true value is. Its liberating to know you can be anything you want to be and sell it, buy it , or use it when you become IT, at least theoretically...

Now, capitalism as most ecomonic theory(socialism, communism, etc) looks good on paper, no doubt, the problem comes when it is put in practice. Humans, inherently flawed, have no discipline. How can you tell a man a certain amount is "enough money" when there is no cap on it? 1 million? Shit, lets try 1 BILLION and if i have to close my plant in some po-dunk town that will die without it, move it to some third world country, and save millions, so be it. So, capitalism in its theory is glorious...its just the damn implementation thats the problem...

With that said, I am a human(yes yes its true) so GIVE ME MY CASH, nucca!!!

The reason we were so scared of communism in the fifties and sixties was what it represented not necessarily the countries that practiced it. It was just that all countries that practiced it were so easy to fear and dislike(korea, russia, etc). But, a communal pot? The community working towards a common goal? F-THAT!!!! You think America was gonna let THAT idea catch on? But, like capitalism and its glorious theory, communism falls flat in practice. The idea of gov't interaction to regulate the people toward a common good, with human frailty, tends to lend itself to demagogues and dictators alike. Too bad, the idea works so well on paper...

Congrats to "No Country for Old Men" for winning best pic last night at the Oscars. Great Movie, well acted, well shot(the cinematography was great. I am glad they didnt waste those beautiful landscapes of the desert). What is going to be lost, on some not all, is that this movie is a parable. Actually, its a reflection, a mirror image. You think NCFOM was too violent? Think it was too gory? Well, the Coen brothers just showed you a snapshot of the world in which you live. Violent, confusing, and at times seemingly meaningless and random(hence the coin flip element to the villian)...

Like Jesus's parables in the bible, the story was just a medium to deliver a message. Yes, this time is violent yes it is random and hard to take. Yes, this country is not built for old men. It takes a strong constitution to stomach this world at times. But, you know what? Its been like that since that first "retarded fish-frog"(copyright South Park) decided to walk upright...However, the Coen brothers did give a ray of hope in this bleak parable: Luellen's wife. She was the moral compass of the movie continually espousing "you dont have to do this..." She says something to that effect multiple times throughout the movie. And she is right. We dont have to do this. Remember yall, it doesnt have to be like this...we can control it and make the world better. That is, you know, if its alright with yall.

For anybody that thinks humans are not animals: take a look at an infant. Not saying that children are animals...actually thats exactly what im saying. Think about it...Infants and children are pure instinct. They dont care you have to go to work in the morning they are hungry and need to be fed. They dont care that its 2 in the morning...They dont care that your boss is at your house they are gonna run around naked(our purest form). Child rearing is just another word for child training. We teach them how to act in our society. Everytime we fuss at them; everytime we pop their hands; everytime we give them a cookie for peeing in the potty; we are conditioning them like a pavlovian dog to act as we act and do what we do.

Umm...I know i should feel slighted that flavor flav has tarnished his legacy as a pioneer in one of the most influential, positive rap groups of all time(and if you dont know what group. I think you should leave now...no, no go ahead. You need to leave), but that nucca is HEEE-LARIOUS. The show is so obviously staged but it is HEEE-LARIOUS. Those women are so obviously out to be famous, start a burgeoning video girl career or something, but they are HEEE-LARIOUS...HEY, i never said i was perfect. I have my vices and Flavor of Love is as addictive and seemy as a smack habit...at least there are no needle marks in my arms despite the obvious effects it has on my brain..

HEY MAN, did the hot damn Patriots CHEAT in their Superbowl wins? Thats the new wrinkle in the Spygate saga...Supposedly, actually let me put on my Roger Cossack, ESPN legal analyst hat on, Alledgedly, there is evidence that the Patriots taped the Rams practice before their first Superbowl win(if they cheated in one that means they cheated in all of them. Yep, thats what we are gonna go with). Now, i could give a crap out the damn Rams, but:

DID THOSE BASTARDS CHEAT IN THEIR 2004 SUPERBOWL AGAINST MY BOYS, THE CAROLINA PANTHERS? hmm...did YOU beli-bastard!!!??? Did you? SNIFF, SNIFF. I want my HOTDAMN(im toning down the severity of my curse words...you know for the babies) SUPERBOWL Banner, you bastard!!!

You say that "13 panther players were found to have used steroids the following season". First off, thats none of your hot damn business thank you...Second, so Rodney Harrison was juicing too!!!...So guys i am willing to split that title with you. Hey, we'll be doing YOU a favor we COULD just come up there and take it. Ever seen an army of pissed off rednecks(so what we lost the Civil War we've been practicing since then and we are pissed) But, its cool we can share...just bring us the trophy and we can call its square...Good im glad we got this settled. Now i can say:

The Carolina Panthers, 2004 SUPERBOWL CO-CHAMPIONS. Yep, that sounds ‘bout right...Get the T-shirts ready!!!

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Office of Urinal Ethics and Responsibility

2008-02-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

Ok...This is long overdue. And, given my propensity for potty humor every chance i get, I am just the guy for this..

We are gonna sit down here today and just make some general Urinal Ethics and Repsonsibility guidelines. These are not rules, per se, and if you dont follow them, its not like there is some kind of police action that would follow you(although that would be....nah). Its just a friendly list of actions to make our 10-20 secs in front of that open hole in the wall a little better(if there is anything that shows just how unrefined a man can be, it would have to be a urinal...peeing into a hole in the wall...just a layer of porcelain from peeing ON the wall...)

Oh, a little more background on the reason for the document: I am currently working for a bottled water company. As you would expect, the employees get all the bottled water they can drink during the day. Couple my love of free stuff and my inability to hold water(literally and figuratively i would suppose) and you will get a guy in front of a urinal many more times than would be appreciated. A funny note though is that since many employees take advantage of the free water thing, I am being exposed to suprisingly long pee sessions in the b-room, counting me as well. Whats the longest you've ever peed? My record is like 55 secs. May not look long on paper but damn its an eternity. Enough preamble, on to the guidelines:

1. There has to be some kind of time period of friendship for guys talking at the urinal, a statute of intimations, if you will. Like if i havent known you for at least six weeks(really thats being nice), why are we conversing with our pee-pees out? It just doesnt feel right.

So, lets say you have to have known someone at least 2 weeks in a business setting and 6 weeks recreationally to hold a convo(i am not talking about saying "how you doing" or something like that i mean the hard core discussions) at the urinal with them.

You know something...thats really the only one. Oh oh wait, wait...two more

2. Every bathroom has to have some kind of barrier between urinals. I feel like such a heathen peeing without a guard up. What are we the ancient Romans or something?...I am all about building bridges and coming together as a species but can a brother get a little donut when he's got the jewels out?

3. Why the hell are men still pissing in troughs? You remember at the baseball games as a kid and you would go to the b-room and just love peeing in that trough? It was freedom you could pee anywhere you want as long as its was in the trough. No, better yet, remember when you would be out with the fellas playing b-ball or baseball or two-hand touch and one person said they had to pee, then everyone had to pee. You would find a ditch or something and all of you would line up and pee in a ditch.

Done that lately? No, because you are grown now. Its not just paying bills and being miserable that makes you a grown-up...its pissing correctly as well. Funny thing is the last time i peed in a trough was at a supposedly "upscale" manhattan club... So, lets put a ban on the troughs ok...Nah lets keep 'em in preschools and elementary schools. Wouldn't want to take the joy of peeing in troughs from the babies...but all adult establishments, yeah lets go with barrier-infused upright urinals...

Thats just about it. Take these guidelines my padouin learners and lets all have a happy Pee-riod with fun, safe, and up-to-guidelines urinals.

And if you dont follow the guidelines, you will seriously piss me off(did you really expect me not to end on a pee joke? come on now...)

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

F-ING "A"!

2008-02-20T13:37:00.000-05:00

SEALAB IS BACK ON THE AIR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Not new episodes, but still Ill take it.

You havent seen the show? Its a hilarious "Adult Swim", cartoon networks version of "nick at nite", cartoon. And, ill leave you with this and I quote from last night's episode: "I look like an Otter. A sexy Otter" and "Tell it to Queen Dopapoplous..."

Ok, so i dont do it justice just give it a shot. Its on cartoon network 12:15...

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 2-19-2008

2008-02-19T09:31:00.001-05:00

I wonder how Al Gore feels on President's Day?

I would surmise a Nobel Prize softens that melancholy he has to be feeling, you know, winning the Presidency and not actually being president and all. However, Nobel Prize Winner does not have quite the zing as "the most powerful man in the world."

But, seriously though, I heard that Al Gore won the Nobel Prize on the news one morning half-sleep. I got up thinking, "That was a weird dream. What the hell am I dreaming about Al Gore for?"...

One thing that solidifies that humans are hell bent on destroying themselves: Alfred Nobel gave the world dynamite. A wonder that can be used to literally move mountains, which was Nobel's purpose. What did we do with this beauty? We used it on each other as if mere rock or stone...

I admit I get disappointed at the human race sometimes, but there are still souls out there that make me believe there is some good in humans: Jesus, MLK jr., Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Al Gore, Ed Begley Jr., Kurt Vonnegut, Ingrid Newkirk(the president of PETA. Hey this chick is crazy, granted, but the love and the ethics are there, albeit for dogs but I am glad she is standing for something)...etc. The list goes on...Thanks guys. You keep me plugging away.

You see that Lindsay Lohan has some nude pics out there? Man, she held out longer than i thought she would though. Seriously, they were pretty tasteful. While viewing them( you know i had to see for myself i just cant report unverified information or at least thats the story im going with) I was ambivalent. On one hand, I hated to see someone with such a promising career not too long ago have to do this to regain her fame. People, out of all the pop starlets out there getting into trouble, Lindsay has the most talent. And, dare I say, she is actually talenTED. I want to see her back in features again(Prarie Home Companion was great and so was "Mean Girls" suprisingly). Lets support a celebutante that has talent even though she may be a bit misguided. Now, on the other hand, I thought the previous, but at the same time i thought, "MAN, she has a great, wonderous, mellifluous, gorgeous, rack." Hey, what can I say, I am a fan(of boobies, anyway. the always classy Bruce Eagle, Ladies and Gentlemen)

I haven't asked this question in a while but i feel everyone out there should use this question to evaluate their career. I will ask this question until it is irrelevant: do you have the job security of Isaiah Thomas?

Shit, i dont. I dont think even God has his job security...

What if Jesus were just a man who heard voices? What if mohammed were just a man who hallucinated? Arent' their words still just as powerful, meaningful, and wise?

BTW, Jesus never preached hate of any one person(thats right abortion clinic bombers, gay haters). Remember, love the sinner, hate the sin? Mohammed never meant for people to kill the "infidels."(infidels represent evil in general not solely non-believers) Do you know the Qu'ran is one of the most poetic, beautiful pieces of work I have ever had the pleasure of reading(not the whole thing mind you, I aint gonna front). Both religions(violent throughout history...christians, remember the inquisition? hmmm...?) have calls to arms for its followers but only when its necessary. Both founders knew that you would have to fight for what you believe in when oppressed by the unenlightened masses. This is not a call to go out and kill b/c someone does not subscribe to your thinking, simply defend YOUR position when it is THREATNED. Everyone has the right to believe what they want, not just you(or shall i say "us"being i am a christian and all)...

Let's say you are on the cusp of the opportunity to make kajillions of dollars, ensuring your family's well-being for generations but you have to irrevocably mar your body(genitalia especially) to get that extra lift to the big time. Would you do it? Ill give you a sec...ok...took you a while didnt it?So, can you really blame some atheletes for doing steroids? Keyser Sose said in the "Usual Suspects", "The man who wins the war is the one who is willing to do what the other man won't." BINGO!!! Arent steroid takers just the ones who won the war?

So, lets cut all the sanctimony towards the individual steroid users. They just wanted it more. You and I could have taken steroids and made it to the bigs, but I like my balls too much, personally. Now, taking steroids is not the biggest problem this country is facing(you could put 1000 syringes end over end and still not touch the gravity of our health care situation), but I admit that we did need to address this issue on a national level(i could have done without all the congressional grandstanding but hey) to let teenagers fully know all the risks involved or have a forum to present such. I hear folks chastise a steroid user on a personal level. You wanna call him or her(haven't forgot you Marion) cheater thats fine, but we all cheat. Wanna call them liars thats fine, but we all lie. Just dont start talking about he is less of a man this and despicable in nature that. Those are pretty strong words for someone who is really only directly hurting himself. However, the one thing that DOES make me mad about all of this steroid talk is:

Being patronized. Now, when someone lies about steroids thats cool(not cool rather tolerable). I mean, what the hell do you expect them to do, but when you start coming all out of your face with utter nonsense(*cough* roger clemens*cough*) and expect me to swallow it like a tablespoon of sugar with a dose of cod liver oil(btw, that shit dont work cod liver oil is still nasty as hell), this is when I get a little pissed. At this point, Roger, you are insulting our intelligence, you bastard. Just ADMIT IT GODDAMN IT AND STOP WITH ALL THIS NONSENSE so we can move on with our lives(or at least stop hearing about this shit. I dont know about you but I am not sitting in my room crying over this. However, I would like to listen to my ESPN radio without ROGE all over) ...

Someone said that "cursing gives people a reason not to listen to you" Umm, whatever. If you have seen a curse word from me and stop reading me, GREAT!!! You were apparently reading too superficially anyway. I use curse words sparingly(hahaha well not as much as Richard Pryor at least) and use them when i want to express the gravity of a situation or intense anger at one. After all, isnt a curse word just a word someone told you NOT to say(except damn and the phrase "go to hell" those are truly the only "words of curse")? If someone told you ice cream was a curse from day one, you would not say that either. Stop being sheep!!! If my words offended you, I am sorry(kinda), but use your judgment in what you truly find offensive in nature not just a few particular words. (ok it was vonnegut who said the previous quote in "Hocus Pocus" i just quote that man entirely too much...)

You ever notice i say "seriously" or "seriously though" and still proceed to make a joke? Weird huh...

Seriously though, Why the fuck dont we have a universal health care system for infants and the elderly, AT LEAST...for Christ's Sake we couldnt start with that and work up? We cant afford that? What the fuck man?...I would PAY MY TAXES FOR THAT...IS THIS NOT A RIGHTEOUS CAUSE??!!!...ok im cool now...sorry. See people can change!!!

I believe the power of the human mind is infinite. You know the saying "We only use 10% of our brain." I think it was Einstein who opined humans would become pure energy if they were to use their mind's full capacity(or i think it was the movie "Powder" but you can never go wrong saying Einstein said something b/c he probably said it at one point or another). I say that to say that if a person believes strongly enough in say an afterlife(heaven, reincarnation, etc), that that person will eventually experience that b/c his or her's mind is attuned to that level of consciousness. Think about it. So maybe what you believe(Christianity, Islam, or absolutely nothing)will eventually be what happens to you. Wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE was technically right?

Wouldn't it be the ultimate irony if all life's questions were answered in the afterlife when you dont need them anymore?

The hardest thing to do with an LL post is find a way to end it...I think this is as good as any though:

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

"Artists use LIES to tell the truth"-Evie Hammond

2008-02-17T17:53:00.000-05:00

Everything you are about to read is a LIE...

The Iraq War does not cost one billion dollars a day so WE ARE ABLE TO PROVIDE UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE FOR INFANTS AND THE ELDERLY...

We have not destroyed the planets ecosystem; therefore, THE EARTH WILL LAST FOR GENERATIONS TO COME...

THERE IS ONE AND ONLY ONE REASON FOR SENSELESS GUN VIOLENCE: hip-hop music

THERE IS ONE AND ONLY ONE REASON FOR SENSELESS GUN VIOLENCE: video games...

THERE IS ONE AND ONLY ONE REASON FOR SENSELESS GUN VIOLENCE: heavily medicated, ill-parented teenagers...

The 2ND Amendment gives me the right to carry arms even though I am not in a militia and have no foreseeable reason to defend my suburban neighborhood...

Our nation's weight problem is NOT INDICATIVE of A SOCIETY GROWING MORE AND MORE DEBAUCHEROUS by the minute...

WE ARE HEALTHY AS A NATION...

GLUTTONY IS NOT A SIN...

LUST IS NOT A SIN...

THE HUMAN RACE IS NOT A VIRUS constantly replicating itself until it uses all its host's resources...

There is NO REDEEMABLE GOOD IN HUMANS SO THERE IS NO NEED TO TRY to find it...

EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO NEED TO WORRY...

Yes, my friends every statement above was a lie. I wish the preceeding line was a lie and everything above were true; however, to remove the overcast of lies allowing truth to shine through, one must first realize what exactly the lies are. Then and only then will one be able to desseminate truth from its fraternal twin, fiction. Unless you would rather be lied to...well, if that's the case, this post never happened...

Bruce Eagle the "soothsayer". Peace!!!

"You can quote me on that" -Friends and family edition

2008-02-15T15:28:00.000-05:00

"Mary Kaye[my mom] I do believe that is the ugliest outfit I have ever seen"- My pops in respones to a rather eccentric outfit my mom was wearing

"Yo, man why you never got no dough and never put in on no tree. Niggas' saying you owe like 150 nick bags..."My man neal giving a cypher moocher the business

"Man damn, her breath was STANKING. It smelled like...like...a metallic fart" My man scoe commenting on a young lady's malodorous exhalations

"Chill man, you know that nigga Crunchy Black is hot" My cousin ronald wesley talking about the rapper crunchy black.(if you have ever heard Crunchy Black you would know why that is one of the funniest things ive ever heard)

"...Of course you are welcome around here...you sho' been here long enough[said low and grumbly with a wiff of disdain]"-My aunt faye in response to my girlfriend asking if it was okay to be at a Christmas function

"What??"-my girlfriend's response to the previous remark

"YOU heard me"-my aunt faye's reply to my girlfriend's "What"

"Yo, it look like that nigga got his haircut in a bar fight" my nigga Toby(haha that looks weird on paper) talking about a dude with a particularly fucked up haircut

"The only problem with that is you have to be dead first" my mom's response to my goal of having a street named after me one day

"Oh so you calling somebody now? Shit, nigga we got phones too..." a drunk(is there any other kind?) bruce eagle's retort to a little misunderstanding the crew had outside of a Walmart.

"...[sarcastically]And this is the little girl who was set ablaze by pablo escobar" bruce eagle's response to those silly ass "marijuana=terrorism" commericals circa 2002. (btw, yeah drugs are used by terrorist sects at times, but its opium not marijuana)

"Yo, what the hell is that a nugget shake?" my man skino referring to a container of popcorn chicken i was carrying

"She looks so good i would eat her period off a cracker and i dont even need a ritz. Shit ill do it off a saltine, nigga"-my feelings about Gabrielle Union. Hyperbole, of course. You know, unless she asks me...

"I like her but she has SOOOO many teeth" my girlfriend's friend's comment about the star of "Everyday Italian", giada de laurentis(btw, she does have 435 teeth but hot damn she's a looker)

"I had a girlfriend one time when a black cat crossed in front of her car she got out and chased it right back to the other side. I mean, she was pretty drunk though..."my future brother-n-law's fiancee

"So what you are saying is that you got a "C" health rating because you had hashbrowns in the sink and butter on the floor? So was it just like raw butter on the floor or did yall at least have it in wrappers..."my man calvin's question for a waitress at waffle house(you know what though? we still ate there and the butter didnt taste gritty so ima go with it was still in the wrapper.)

"Yooo, niggas had 5 books and 5 books last game niggas and called it books made[throwing in the hand], but now niggas bid 7 and 4 and yall play it.7 and 4 thats books made"my man bobby davis's half brother(btw, in spades a combined bid total for the 2 competing teams has to equal 11 or greater or the hand gets thrown in. Too bad he wasnt joking )

"Yo, this nigga need some adult classes"my man arrick's response

A little insight into why everyday is a pleasure for me...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

All I'm saying is..

2008-02-15T13:26:00.000-05:00

Valentine's DAY itself is for the women, but Valentine's NIGHT is for the fellas. Not gonna go into too much detail about this rather carnal knowledge, but uh-ra...lets just say I got my annual birthday present early...

Bruce Eagle the Sated. Peace!!!

Oh and...

2008-02-14T11:15:00.000-05:00

"HAPPY VALENTIMES, HAPPY HAPPY VALENTIMES, HAPPY VALENTIMES DAAAAAAA-YAAHHHH..."-Andre 3000

If you dont have a sweetie, thats fine. This day is for love of all kinds. Love your neighbor and please find a chance to love yourself too(i meant figuratively but if thats what floats your boat, jingles your handle...ok ok). Let this be the one day where you arent so hard on yourself, where you dont give the finger to other motorists on the highway, where we all just chill and enjoy each others company. Happy valentines!

Bruce Eros the love machine. Peace!!!

"What you know about dat"

2008-02-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

What you know about-this: "...I caaaannn go anywheeerreee. Just take a look its in a book ITS READING RAINBOOOOOWWWWW?!!" Reading Rainbow was the shite!!! I couldnt wait for it to come on right before naptime. Yep, it was a childrens show that we used to watch the hell out of at summer day camp. You remember that blind guy from Star Trek, Lavar Burton? He was the host. This was one of the silliest shows on the air, but it got kids to read so i guess it met its objective...

What you know about- Naptime?-Remember when you were young and at a day camp or preschool or kindergarten and you had a specified naptime? Why the hell did we stop this tradition? Tell me an hour nap during the day wouldnt set you right? And we had bedtimes back then and still got naptime. I say, we take a note from the spanish, and have siesta time. Like multimillion dollar businesses cant lose an hour or so or so or so...You know what? Maybe its for the best...

What you know about-Butter cookies and Tampico juice? Tampico was some of the nastiest crap ive ever drunk but when you are outside in the sun with no trees playing your ass off, that tampico hit the spot even though water probably would have been better. What you know about those butter cookies that use to have the little hole where you could put your finger in and eat it in a circle? I miss pinky-based food...

What you know about-frying food with Crisco Shortening? Oh you thought this was just to grease your baking pan? Nah, you can straight up fry with it or at least my moms did. I figured out the other day why i was overweight as a kid(or at least one of the reasons): my moms cooked with shortening damn near every meal(yep ima hick). Shortening is, in essence, pure, congealed animal fat. You know what though? That fat was freaking delicious. Moms had to put it down cus my pop's heart was about open his chest and walk off in search of a better life, but it was fat, i mean, fun while it lasted...

What you know about-Sonic the Hedgehodge? Sega was my thing in like 95 and as usual i was the last to get the game system. I missed out on nintendo completely(in retrospect i didnt miss much but it was popping back in the day). Now, for a while, my peeps just could not be convinced how imperative this game system was to my well-being, but they finally broke down and got me one. But, oh no, they couldnt hold a brother down with some controllers and some games or something. It was the bare minimum system that they bought. You know what game came with the system, along with the one controller(i was an only child but damn i did have some friends)? Sonic the mutha-flurbing Hedgehog, "hahaha my nigga". I ended up LOVING THIS GAME. Still to this day havent beaten it but thats besides the point. Wasnt this a metaphor for adult life though? You run as fast as you can and try to get as many gold rings as you can. You have a little help along the way, but tails aint really do crap for you. You had to do it yourself. All while you are doing this, there is this fat overbearing, evil tyrant following you around and trying to stop you from getting your coins...Yeah, that pretty much sums up adult life...

What you know about-Calculus? I aint even gonna front. I kept this secret from my mom who to this day will still bring this up . I got an "A" out of that class but it was given to me. We aint do crap in that class. Seriously though, how has calculus made your life any easier. I know calculus theory is used in engineering and programming but i mean the average everyday person. I can see algebra, it taught you how to back into solutions without full information, but calculus? I aint never needed to know how to...umm...see i cant even remember that crap...

What you know about-duct tape? Outside of compound interest and digital porn, duct tape has to be one of the most useful, seminal inventions of the past 100 years. What cant you use it for? What you know about red duct tape on a broken taillight? What you know about duct tape holding your bed together? What you know about duct tape as the battery cover for a remote? Nuff said...

What you know about-pretty much every post coming down to the same format just with different names? My bad, the government has been doing this for years though...

"What you know about that, I know all about that"-T.I.

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

"We don't believe you...

2008-02-12T12:20:00.001-05:00

You need more people"-Jay-Z

Global Warming...sorry you need more people.

Do you know what the morning (7 am or so) temp was in sunny Stamford, CT 06905 yesterday? ELEVEN DEGREES with a NEGATIVE 8 wind chill...Im calling bullfeathers on that...

Seriously, its not that Global Warming isn’t happening, per se, but its not an accurate term for our situation as a planet. What this term would connote is that the earth is simply getting hotter. Well, the earth, a living organism unto itself, goes through changes every so often as most organisms do. I seem to recall a period in earth's history where the entire planet was ice. So, yeah, the earth gets warmer.

So in essence, the earth would have become warmer or changed climates with out us here. Yep, life can go on without us. It did and will(if there is anything left). This term is catchy and it gave Al Gore something to put on T-shirts, but no, the term Global Warming does not properly reflect what is going on here. We humans have done irrevocable damage to our home. Do you know what irrevocable means? We CANNOT FIX THIS? In the last 100 years, we have consumed more resources than all civilizations that have ever existed combined. I understand that some of this has to do with an influx of technology and population growth; however, explain or excuse all you want that doesn’t change the fact that we have destroyed this planet. The only thing that will save us now is:

CONSERVATION of what little we have left. The consumption of all of our resources have drained mother earth not to mention depleted the ozone layer in the process. That natural UV filter mother earth gave us is GONE. Any semblance of pure air is GONE. We have to not just recycle, but stop using so much. Stop driving so much. Stricter Mandatory gas mileage standards for every car. A less debaucherous lifestyle in general for everyone. I know you remember those reduce, reuse, recycle commercials like 15 yrs ago. Shit, back further than that was Jimmy Carter spouting better gas mileage, more conservation. This concept aint new to us. We didn’t listen then. So, we have to pay now. Its not to say that there haven’t been many people who have contributed to World awareness and there has been recent Clean Air legislation, but this is not enough. These are actions not results. People feel that this is a solution. No it’s support not a solution. People feel that way b/c the term Global warming isn’t strong enough in its reductionist nature.

So yes, Global warming… you need more people and you need more words.
Let’s try: The fact that we have fucked this earth over and cant fix what we have done but we can stop more fuck ups in the future so that our great^10 grand children may actually have something left.

Not quite as catchy but the message is fully stated.

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Conserve!!!

Loquacious Levity 2-11-08

2008-02-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

Ima go ahead and let you know this off the bat: WORST POST EVER...

And, ive set the bar pretty low so far, but i am going to chug along. You're Welcome

Is it just me or has texting totally ruined my regular typing? For some reason i cant type in complete sentences anymore...

or spell your, yours, or you're correctly anymore...

Seriously though, How many fantasy leagues would have nixed that Gasol trade. How was that even fair? I think the lakers gave up a kit-kat and some snapple for him

Did you see the grammys? Word...thats whats up...but they were pretty good this year. With no writers they had more performances, which is really all the grammys should be: a concert version of an All-star game...

Ok, ima say it. I teared up when Kanye did his "Hey Mama" song for his recently deceased mom. DONT LIE YOU ALMOST DID TOO!!!!

A little background: I left my home state after 18 years for the Big Apple in 2004. I am an only child so this was the first time i had really left home. Now, Kanye had a mixtape(or at least thats what im calling bootleg records now) where that song was up there. Oh you thought that was that new-new huh? Nah its pretty old. But i always skipped that song cus it made me miss MY Amama too much. Yeah im pretty much a pussy...

Tina Turner and Beyonce had a good performance too. Albeit, when they performed "Proud Mary" that river ran a little slow...

But give her a break, shit man. Tina got be like a good Buck-fifteen by now...its a wonder she didnt come out in depends...Although that outfit did look a little bulky

I like Amy Winehouse as much as the next man(try her album "Frank" if you like "Back to Black) but 5 grammys? NOONE EVER DESERVED THAT MANY...im talking to you Alicia and Norah, too...Well maybe the "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" but shit she aint even get 5!!!

And i quote, my old lady just referred to someone in the background as "that fat black lady from the website"

When that is your moniker it maybe about time to, you know, hit the treadmill, punch a stairmaster or something...

Punch a stairmaster? wow...that was terrible

And i quote, my old lady just said in the background again "well let me go take a dump cus I had some broccoli...and Happy Yom Kippur..."

Yep, im in love with a real lady...

And the current sounds from out of out bathroom: Spray, Spray, Spray!!! 2 for the bulk and once for the remainder's what i always say...(you really think im making this up dont you? All the quotes were realtime as i was typing this...see sometimes its pays to freestyle blog..but most times it doesnt)

The always classy Bruce ending with a flatulence joke once again...told you this one was gonna be bad.

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Mythbuster:Mary-Ju-Wanna

2008-02-11T22:01:00.000-05:00

This segment will be done time to time to dispell any myths out in the ether. I have put on my little funny hat and grew a goatee. So, lets bust a myth today!

Myth: Mary-Ju-Wanna makes you hungry

Ummm....

Myth: Mary-Ju-Wanna affects your short-term memory

Umm...

Mythbuster: Female Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton

2008-02-05T16:36:00.000-05:00

This segment will be done time to time to dispell any myths out in the ether. I have put on my little funny hat and grew a goatee. So, lets bust a myth today!

A lot of people, for what ever reason, have long spouted myths on why a woman cant be president. This myth is based on a longstanding tradition of male gender bias. We were given the strength, but somehow we feel that makes us better in every aspect of society. WELL, IT DOESN'T! We are no better or worse(well maybe worse depending on who you ask). Lets bust this myth using hillary clinton's bid for presidential election, shall we?

Myth: A female president will lose control over emotions due to menstration...

Buster: I know we have all felt a little bit of "menstral wrath" and i admit it sucks. However, most times you never know when a female is on her period. Do you? Now,that could mean that you are inattentive or it could mean that women, who have menstrated since oh i dont know 13, know how to handle a flux in hormones or that all the poppycock is overexaggerated and there really isnt a negative change in overall demeanor. But all that aside, the average presidential candidate is 55 years old and Hil-dog is 50 since october. Given that menopause, the end of a female's child bearing years, usually brings an end to menstration and begins around 50, i dont think we have to worry about Hillary, to quote family guy, "...menstrating all over the city"

Myth: A female president will not have the tenacity and ferocity of a man, thereby opening up blah blah blah "terrorists"...

First off, i know there are a lot of folks that hate america(not b/c of our freedom but we tend to be dicks from time to time), but lets cool out with the terrorists okay. Yes they are out there and they always have and always will exist but every facet of american society does not have to be affected. If that happens, then, well, the terrorists win. Ok, back to the myth. Second, A female is not physically stronger than a man generally, but possesses an innate painkilling mechanism instilled for childbirth(not to say that doesnt still hurt like the dickens). In essence, the phrase "take it like a man" is erroneous. But thats besides the point, I just wanted to put that out there. Have you ever seen any female of any mammalian species when their young are threaten?...Shit, you better look out. Ever scorned a woman? Shit, hell have no fury. Ever seen a half price sale at Davids Bridal? Shit, there may be blows thrown...

The ferocity is there gentlemen. Its just not expended due to a misplaced step on someone's sneakears or b/c someone said "fuck the redsox"(oh and btw fuck the redsox. just had to get that in there). Have you ever thought that living in a patriarchal society and being physically weaker than men have given women an ability to resolve conflict without the violence. Yeah, you know what they call diplomacy...Diplomacy doesnt stop terrorism, but it sure does curb the creation of new terrorists. Besides, a female president will still have her finger on "the button" for any "one wan' testa". Ask yourself: breasts or penis when one of the most skilled and technologically advance armies ever to walk the planet is waiting in the wings for your call, "whats the difference"?

Myth: Only white males can be president

Buster: Ok, so this one isnt as explictly felt as the other two, but its overt in the voting habits of the public. Christ, for the first 150 years of this country's existence, there were only white men voting. Hey, I am not saying that a woman would be the best president(hard to beat kennedy, lincoln and washington). What i am saying however is that we have voted white males 42 times in this nations history. And, there have been plenty of bad ones(taft, fillmore wasnt all that hot, and the one that shall go unnamed in this column, yeah him too) and good ones. That is to say that greatness isnt always instilled in a cream colored nutsack. Its gonna be a toss up with anyone, regardless of color or ovarian processes. Yes my friends, its about time we give someone else a shot. Don't you think? At least, there wouldnt be any BJ's in the oval office any more. Or at least received anyway. No, i am pretty sure if you reached the presidency you wont have to give 'em any more...

anyway, give hillary a chance if you stand for her principles. Don't let a dearth of testicles affect you. She has the right to be a bad president like the next white,black, mexic..ok who am i kidding white male. Equal ineptitude under the law is what i say!!!! MYTH BUSTED!!!

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 2-5-2008

2008-02-05T15:20:00.001-05:00

I think a rose by any other name would smell different. For thousands of years people have referred to roses as roses. You know the thorns, and you know the colors and of course, you know the smell. There is a certain connotation to the word. Now, lets say we started calling roses- milk and milk- roses. Don't you think milk would start to smell like roses and vice versa?...

So what i guess im saying is...you dont experience words. Just connotations. If you had been told ice cream was poisonous from birth, wouldnt you stay the hell away from ice cream? Wouldnt it smell sour to you regardless of the condition? Or did i just fucking blow your mind...

Or was that the worse theory i have ever had about anything.

Some superbowl commercials cost about 90 grand per 30 seconds...3 grand a second? I understand the price given the number of people that will see it but hot damn i dont think id pay 3 grand/sec for anything. Well, non-sexual that is...

But, that would have to be one hell of a lay though

Happy Black History Month!

I just heard about some virtuous gentleman that was a civil rights activist in the 50's and 60's. Good guy. Powerful speaker, but the poor fellow got shot while he gave a speech. I wonder why I dont hear about him any other time of year? Thats weird.

I know that February is black history month b/c of Lincolns birthday, etc., etc. But, i mean did we have to get the shortest month though? Damn even when america is playing nice, they still fuck us over...

Where the hell is my 40 acres and a mule...

BTW, I would hate to live in an era where 40 acres and a mule represent compensation.

Man, its march 1st and i know i forgot to do something...umm...read some black authors, watched that PBS special about black stars and their ancestors. hmmm what did i forget...

Oh yeah, to bribe my sweetheart for all the fuck-ups thus far and to come...damn...

So if i were broke and couldn't buy a valentine's gift, would that mean i didnt love you...

Of course though if im broke, i probably havent taken you on a date. So shit man you've made it this far...a hug and a lick should do you fine

So its Super Tuesday today. Uh-huh. Riiiighhht....Now remind me why the hell we are voting 9 mths before the presidential election.

Since its Black History Month, lets put a moratorium on the black man=big penis thing. I mean im alright(havent received any complaints) but i get tired of having to live up to the standard...

Oh yeah, another moratorium on the use of the word "racism"in inappropriate circumstances. Just b/c barry bonds has to go to trial, b/c mike vick had to go to jail, b/c a white ref. calls a foul on a black player, or even b/c some jerk like Imus calls someone nappy does not mean that it is racism. No lets reserve that for the inordinate amount of minorities behind bars. Lets reserve that for the lack of minority business loans; the lack of minority home owners. Lets reserve that for our immigration policy, etc, etc. To keep throwing this word around cheapens it. It cheapens everytime a black man was lynched for looking a white woman. It cheapens every time a native american(and thats the only PC term i used on the regular b/c to say indians is actually erroneous given that it was given b/c of a lost explorer) had to walk thousands of miles just to move to another land(the trail of tears: read up on that. it was FUCKED up and my state did that...)...
This word is about hate, unadulterated, turn a good man crazy hate. I spoke earlier on connnotations. Lets not cheapen the connotation of the word. When this word is uttered it should reflect the gravity of the situation it describes...not just b/c you didnt get your way.

This isnt like the term "nigger", niggah, nucca or any of its derivatives, b/c of the fact that the term has been taken back by the people it has been used against(call it empowerment or call it misuse). This changes the connotation of the word...
Now, nigga can be used in its original context, but there again its about connotation. I have no problem with the word used in a slang way. I have a problem though when it is used to convey hate from one to another.

The funny thing is the only difference in physiological terms b/t me and a white man, a hindu man, or an eskimo is the level of melanin in my skin which changes the color of my skin and creates a darker tone.

And, apparently the size of my penis too, but thats up for debate

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

"You tried your very best...

2008-02-04T12:52:00.000-05:00

but i guess your best wasn't good enough"

hahahaha, Man, was that not the best super bowl since NippleGate yesterday?

The titans; The 18-ohmygod Patriots vs. the lowly NFC representative, the Giants. The Super Bowl was supposed to be a foregone conclusion. A mere formality. Lucky for the Giants, the NFL makes you play a game before they hand out the Lombardi trophy.

The funny thing is is that this game did not need to be hyped, especially not for 2 weeks. You had the NY vs. Boston angle. The David vs. Goliath angle. So many stories So much time. And by God the media worked every story to death. By time kickoff came, there was a feeling of "just get this shit over with, please." Frankly, I was rooting for the Giants but was getting prepared for a blowout b/c lets face it: the patriots had the best statistical season ever. Points were nothing for this juggernaut. So, no matter how good you thought the Giants defense was how the hell can they possibly compete with the greatest offense of all time?

But, not only did the Giants slow down the greatest offense ever, they broke the 72 dolphins' champagne bottle over their heads...The Giants defensive line was swarming, penetrating, and relentless. I swear i thought time would stop if Tommy Brady's golden bottom ever touched the ground. However the earth continued to exist after the first brady sack. The giants defensive line like that so much they decided to sack Tommy 4 more times...Eli, formerly referred to as SHE-li, completed one of the greatest plays i have ever seen. You know the play, dont you? You saw it and said "what the fuck is going on". In the fourth quarter, down by 4, the Pats brought beaucoup pressure on Eli, formerly referred to as SHE-li, but Eli never left his feet. He was never planted on his wooden ass. Rather, he shrugged off those blue defenders. Read that line again. This manchild, formerly referred to as SHE-li, formerly referred to as that bum, formerly referred to as "Not as good as the other"Manning, shrugged off 300 lbs men by sheer force of will. Yes, this MANning stood at the cross roads of immortal and irrelevant and threw a frozen rope towards immortality...This pass was then received by David Tyree. Yes, THAT david tyree, the one you've never heard of. This was no common reception. David, in essence, caught the ball with the crown of his helmet and brought it down with a juiced Rodney harrison fighting him all the way down. This play set up the winning score with 30 seconds left...

Eli manning was awarded the super bowl MVP, rightfully so for an award given to one individual. However, this is a misnomer. Eli played amazingly. The defense played astoundingly. Everyone played championship ball. Everyone deserved the MVP. It wasn't that the patriots played a bad game. No, not in the first. They were just as stellar as usual. Albeit, belicheck, formerly referred to as "the genius", should have kicked a field goal when it was 4th and 13, but I am sure Tom Coughlin, formerly referred to as "crotchety old coot", isnt complaining. No, the Giants just played a better game that 9 times out of 10 would have garnered a loss to the 18-ohmygod Patriots, greatest offense of all time.

But, this was the 10th time. This Super Bowl, as most do, changed the entire outlook of the Giants, formerly referred to the "underachieving Giants". Eli will finally have the breathing room he needs to grow into a premier QB. Strahan gets a ring to wear on the set of whatever sports program he eventually joins. It saved Coughlin's job. Yes, there will be a lot of name changes due to this win. The 18-ohmygod Patriots will now be referred to as the 18 and irrelevant Patriots,the "not quite" Patriots. No matter the words the public chooses to describe this Giants Team from the Back page of the NY Post to the muttered utterances of Patriots fans, I think Eli, David Tyree, Michael Strahan and the rest of this team, formerly referred to as "the lowly NFC representatives", will like "Super Bowl Champion New York Giants" the best.

Congrats Gentlemen and Ill see you at the parade tomorrow. GO GIANTS!!!!

"You can quote me on that!!!"

2008-01-31T13:14:00.000-05:00

"If the milk's sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it"- Rory Breaker "Lock, Stock, and Two smoking barrels"

"Take your tongue out of my ass, old Gary"-Brick Top "Snatch"

"The devil planted fear inside the black babies..."-Ghostface

"Beef is not what Jay said to Nas. Beef is when the working folks cant find jobs. So they trying to find niggas to rob. Trying to find bigger guns so that can finish the job" -Mos Def

"Fuck your punk ass daddy"-Snoop Dogg "Baby Boy"

"Marvin, why didn't you tell us someone was in the bathroom with a goddamn hand cannon" Vinnie Vega "Pulp Fiction"

"Whatever the fuck ever, nigga"-Denzel in his "oscar worthy performance" in "Training Day"

"Seriously bitch you need to let me get on that piece of wood with you...take turns or something shit...its freezing out here. "-Leonardo DiCaprio "Titanic the real-life version"

"I belive that sushi will be good once i get past the fact that its raw. But, I cant get past the fact that its raw"- my mom

"Can you spare a dime for a sista"-Lindsay Lohan

"Let me just stick the tip in"-Every 16 yr old male since the beginning of time

"So you mean to tell me some prick named Mitt is beating me?"-Every republican presidential candidate in private moments

"Frankly, i dont think a woman can run the country. What with her bleeding for five days and not dying and all..."-Redneck hick in backwoods Lenoir County, NC

"Hook that mutha fucker straight"-Some cat giving me directions outside of a waffle house

"You better get this bitch 'fore i toss her ass out of that window.."-A drunk bruce eagle's retort to a corpulent young lady's attitude

"Disarm" Kurt Vonnegut "Deadeye Dick"

"Yo, these peanuts are making my turds chunky and it itches on the way out"-Bruce Eagle in his doctoral thesis "This has got to be Too Much Information"

"You can quote me on that" Everyone that i've quoted(yep, thats what they told me so no lawsuits!!!)

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Pinky is very disappointed in you...

2008-01-31T13:10:00.000-05:00

Adam Pac-Man Jones, supposedly named so because of your voracious appetite as a child, I beg you please for the sake of your career:

Just say NO to strip clubs...I like the ladies like the next man but your voracity for nude females is ruining you life. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. And, we are worried about you, Pac. Enroll yourself in a clinic/rehab. Boobies are going to destroy you. You are headed for a very bad place, Pac. You are talented, lucky for you, so you will get another chance, but stop making it so hard for yourself...

Get yourself some help a trenchcoat, some shades and a membership to a discreet adult shop. You can see all the b00bies you want at home. But please just stay at home...it aint worth it.

I hate to see you potentially throw away a good career b/c of stupidity. Talk to mikey see if he wouldnt change everything if he could...Im just saying. I wanna see you on tv for running back I-N-T's not for slapping T-I-T's...

Bruce Eagle the Interventioner. Peace!!!

Need a Lift?

2008-01-31T11:07:00.000-05:00

I am not gonna lie to you. I get a real kick out of reading my blog...I just hope you get the same enjoyment...

But, seriously, The blogosphere is amazing. In this ever-changing world in which we live in(how often do you get to take a Paul McCartney quote and put it in a sentence? 10 dollars to the cat that can name the song) , we have so many avenues to get information, advice, porn, drugs, anything you want. There are blogs out there that just have pictures of people's cats and there are blogs dedicated to giving the public the info that it needs that the evening news is for some reason not doing anymore(gonna go ahead and tell you this aint one of 'em though). So yeah, you have to deal with the bull sometimes(pop-ups, etc) but there is a wealth of information out there and I love it. So if you happen upon this blog in your travels on the superhighway, thanks for stopping by and know that I really didnt mean for this post to come off so smug. Really, I am humble. I wouldn't go as far as humble, but not a prig. Yeah thats the best phrase...Just thought I'd let you know...

So keep thumbing it my friends and I hope you find the Grail you are looking for b/c its out there(did i give it to you? No? Well...yeah its out there). I hope you have as much fun searching as I do providing. Oh, the song was "live and let die". I mean, did you really expect me to give you a chance to get 10 dollars? Its the equivalent exchange, i know, but it aint that real..

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 1-29-08

2008-01-29T09:04:00.000-05:00

I just saw "No Country for Old Men" and stumbled onto one of my fav movie lines: "Whats the most you ever lost on a coin flip" The murderer in the movie asks this to a cashier while deciding whether or not to kill him...

What was so great about that scene was how the actors played it, subtle and nuanced. It was funny (if it were real, then of course it wouldnt be funny. What? Do you think I'm heartless) after the murderer asks the coin question, how the cashier's whole demeanor(previously congenial in that way only us southerners can be) changed. Classic, exactly how anyone wouldve acted if asked that question.

This movie is an open ended type of movie. The type where it isn't overwritten. You know, when the movie DOESNT have to spoonfeed you every detail you need to know. The Deer Hunter, Eastern Promises, The Departed and No Country are examples of movies where you have to read into the character's emotions. And, if you have great actors you dont have to spoonfeed the audience. We will be able to read into their emotions. Its refreshing to have to think sometimes...

But, other times it's not.

Jay-z says his "American Ganster" album was what he was feeling while thinking about the life of Frank Lucas. That's all fine and good. Its hot. We actually got a "Reasonable Doubt" album out of a man thats far removed from the "Reasonable Doubt" lifestyle. Now, when Nas did a sort of theme album in "It was written" after the classic "Illmatic" he was chastised for it...Im just saying

Say what you want about Dave Mays and Benzino. I miss the hell out of "The Source". I mean that was the hip-hop bible in like '96. For Christ Sakes, its called "The Source." If you walked into a classroom before class started(I guess i am dating myself abit) and saw a huddle of guys around desk and it wasn't an Eastbay Catalog(mail order sneaker catalog. I never understood that. Guys going gaga over shoes? I mean jordans are hot and all, but it aint that real) they were looking at, it was a Source. Man, where else could you go for all that is hip-hop. The Hip-hop Quotable, the Unsigned hype, the interviews back when they werent biased. It all added up to, for lack of the a better word or lack of want to use one, the shit. What pisses me off the most about the demise of the one of the most pervasive elements in my hip-hop rearing was how they went out, bitchy and petty. With the Benzino's "beefs" with Eminem and 50 and the petty, classless, uncreative shots he took at them in the mag, he comprised the integrity of the bible and for that, I will never forgive him. The Source is under new management now, but it just aint the same. The source in the new millenium is like Jordan out of his 2nd retirement. You still peep the source from time to time because it's the Source, but its sad to see what was become what is...

How close is Bill Clinton to using up all his goodwill with black folks...Its not that he is dowNing Barack hard or something, but its very subtle. Remember, this cat is a Rhodes Scholar so he will never come out of his face all wrong and inarticulate. But, it feels like he is close to saying the wrong thing. Hilary should just lock him in a bunker with a 6 month supply of fetish porn, lotions, nuts and grains, and his saxaphone because right now the black vote(notoriously non-existent, but when its there...its a bump) is split b/t Barack(the black man) and the Clinton family(honorary black folk). If hilary loses the black support its a wrap. In fact, it may already be a wrap. She has thousands of years of male gender bias(and female, but lets keep that on the low) to overcome. Its gonna be a hump...

But quite frankly Barack and Hilary should run together. What hil lacks in likability, Barack wholeheartedly makes up for in charisma. The only other politician I've seen in my lifetime with the sheer level of charisma was, coincidentally, Bill Clinton. The man oozed charm. What Barack lacks in Pennsylvania Ave experience, Hil makes up for. I am not talking about the Senate. I mean the White House. I know she wasnt in the oval office with Bill(hahaha the Starr Report made that quite obvious) but you have to pick up SOMETHING at least by osmosis by just being there for eight years.

Ok, guys how bout this: let's try this time to elect a candidate that you wholeheartedly feel can manage a nation. Let's keep faith based voting out of it this time around( and i am a christian myself but it doesnt belong in politics). I dont want to tell you how to vote, thats personal, but please gay people and fetuses(barely even bigger than you fingernail) dont have SHIT to do with the world climate(weather and terrorism, for instance). Lets elect an intelligent, articulate diplomat. When the hell did we stop shooting for the moon with the "most powerful man in the world"? We need a man or woman to mend fences with the entire FUCKING WORLD, we dont need some fuck-nuts or fuck-lips in the white house...I am not judging you, but still...

I am not gonna lie to you. If McCain gets the nomination (highly unlikely, but still), I might vote for him. I like this guy. I like his stand on sports(hahaha steroids matter more than gay marriage you wont convince me otherwise). I like his stand on government(very un-republican). And this man is full of not-give-a-fuckery. What can you do to a man that has been a fucking prisoner of war. You cant rattle him. Congress doesnt scare him. He will be able to make principled, informed decisions and not be swayed...or I may just vote for Nader. Fuck it.

Man, I really didnt think this LL post was gonna end with a McCain reference. There wasnt a lot of levity in this one, but hey thats what you get when you freestyle blog...

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

"We dont believe you. You need more people"-Jay-z

2008-01-25T14:03:00.001-05:00

Roger Clemmons as a non-juicer...sorry, you need more people...

Hilary Clinton as the President...sorry, you need more people...(not hating but lets be feasible. Every year the democrats trot out minority candidates that have no shot in hell at being elected...If they f this election up...ima libertarian from now on...)

Barack Obama as the President...sorry, you need more people...(really now...i hate to be down on my people but really now...)

Chris Benoit as a murderer...sorry, you need more people...(ok, so all the evidence is to the contrary, but this was one of my fav wrestlers EVER...so nope im not gonna believe it!!!)

That oxy clean guy as the ron popeil of the new millenium... sorry, you need more people...

Jessica Alba as an actress...sorry, you need more people...

Matrix Reloaded as not one of the hottest movies ever...sorry, you need more people...(i mean everything came together in this one the action the dialogue, not unbearable...One was groundbreaking, granted, but had too much story and not enough ass-whooping. Three was alright; slightly anticlimactic fight scene with Smith and Neo, but the 2nd had it all...They built a entire highway set for the chase scene for Christ Sake...)

Denzel as an actor not stuck in the same 1 or 2 type roles for the last 10 years...sorry, you need more people...

Coke as being better than pepsi...sorry, you need more people...(seriously though yall niggas just hating on NC...sheesh, coke?...cane maybe but not cola)

The big mac as actually being delicious...sorry, you need more people...(how the hell does a sandwich that nasty survive so long...but a brother cant get a McRib though)

Chingy as a rapper...sorry, you need more people...

Any athelte as a rapper...sorry, you need more people...

Any rapper as a singer...sorry, you need more people...

OJ Simpson as an innocent man...F-IT ima stick with you, juice!!!!

Patriots as the best team ever...sorry, you need more people...

Mary-ju-wanna as any thing other than a giggle inducing appetite enhancer...sorry, you need more people...

Dogfighting as being worse than hunting...sorry, you need more people...

Lupe Fiasco as the next big thing...ok so you got me, but you get the point...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Loquacious Levity 1-25-08

2008-01-25T13:46:00.000-05:00

Every year during March Madness we get this crazy stat on the monetary value of lost productivity due to brackets, pools, and the like. How the hell do you get that number? Who is doing this math? Its always something like "companies are losing close to 100 billion dollars in lost productivity..." Aren't the people working these numbers being unproductive in producing a possibly inaccurate, unproductive stat? Gotta love that.

I wonder has Michael Vick found himself someone nice and settled down by now? Tee-hee

Ive tasted many a fine meal, but nothing compares to a nice hot ham and cheese sandwich. Hands down.

Im not really into the supernatural and whatnot, but ill admit the fact that the redskins won by 21 pts (Sean Taylors jersey number) in a game they needed to win to get into the playoffs was a bit too coincidental

Ode to Kurt Vonnegut: HI-H O!

But seriously though, is Flight of the Concords not the funniest show on TV? DONT MESS THIS UP PPL. Watch the damn show!!! But thats kinda like preaching to the choir b/c if you are able to answer that question then you are already looking at the show. But hey, technically unsound journalism isnt exactly nouveau. Seriously though, if you arent looking at it just give it a try. I still havent forgiven you all for letting Arrested Development go off the air. Yep, it was YOUR fault!!!

On that note, is it just me or when TV Guide labels a show "the best show youre not watching", thats pretty much the end of that show. Its like the madden curse. I think the only time it worked was for Seinfeld and Curb...

People say "aint" isnt a word. How is that? Everyone says it. Everyone knows what it means. Its a freaking word. This isnt science. This is language, ever evolving (or devolving depending on how you look at it.) I dont think the word internet was in the ol' lexicon in the 1600s. Cant tell you how much this bothers me...

This just in: It is estimated that companies will lose up to 100 trillion dollars due to employees having an exorbitant amount of bowel movements on the clock.

HI-H O! (Oh not you Lindsay I was just saying...Have we put a moratorium on Lohan jokes? We have?...hmm oh not you Mrs. Rutgers Point Guard. Hahaha that wont right. But really though every black person said to themselves "Callin' 'em them h-o-es wont right, but they COULD use a perm")

I dont mean to sound like a little snot here(this may be a little late given we are about to watch the superbowl in a week) but THE PANTHERS GOT ROBBED against the Cowboys...Did you see that missed pass interference call. If not for that missed call we would have converted. We ended up punting out of our endzone giving Dallas the ball on the 50 or so...I know we had to have a lot of cards fall the right way for us to make the wild card, but damn that hurt...

Random Nas Quote #1: "Im [like] Jesse Jackson on the balcony when King got kil't. I survived the livest niggas around."

Random Nas Quote #2: "Of pain, im like Saddam Hussein, still alive, looking at his dead children's burnt remains". Dah-mn.

Those were two rather macabre quotes. Weren't they?

And, technically the second one wasn't random

There have been many sites that have changed my life. YouTube, MySpace, and Google for instance. But there is this one site called getyourboobsout.com that has raised the bar for the internet...you can tell what site it is by the name...gotta love titties...

It's 2008. How long will it take for me to stop putting 2007 as the date? May? June?

Looking back on it...We acted real silly about Y2K. How much money was made of that?!

First, Humans are animals too. Just because we are self-aware doesnt change that fact. Second, any female of many mammalian(i LOVE that word i just dont really get a chance to use it) species is predisposed to conceive, bear, and nurture its offspring. Any male (outside of the seahorse, the most whipped creature on earth, and some spider on the ocean floor. Oh i know a seahorse isnt a mammal smart ass, just bear with me Mr. Darwin) is predisposed to protect and feed its species/pack/pride, etc(whoops forgot lions. Their females hunt. How lazy are freaking male lions? What, they dont wanna mess up their hair or something). Now, a lot of female predisposition translates from the wild to civilization. The emotion. The caring. The love. The nurturing. Even righteous anger when their young are threatened. (Oh and lets stop with that whole intuition thing. If you aint a mother you dont have it. You just got lucky.) I hear females saying the phrase "its b/c im a woman" or something to that effect. Hey, I feel you. I dont know what its like so ima take your word. But, why dont men get that same treatment? Monogamy is explicitly a human creation. It goes against the laws of nature. And before you go all Jack hanna on me, I know there are some monogamous relationships in the wild but come on...that bull wants NEW COW!!! Males of a species are meant to spread the seed if you will. So, why dont men get that leeway? Why did I buy that hooker? Its b/c I am a man! Damn it. We just get "all men are dogs"... Im just saying ladies

Oh and babycakes, if you are reading this, the preceding paragraph was just theory and hypothesis. I dont wanna cheat. I am happy with you. You are the best woman in the world. Matter of a fact, why dont I cook dinner tonight...

Bruce Eagle the Seahorse. Peace!!!

Slapstick...

2008-01-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

A little more of what you can expect from this blog...I am a narcissitic, megalomanic, that can't spell, doesnt capitalize "I"and gives mostly opinions(hey, that way i am never wrong).
And each post may contain various topics or just one depending on my level of sobriety, how i feel that day, and my level of sleep the night before(i cant articulate without a lack of sleep). I am dichotomous(sp, see i told you). I may drop a word like circumlocutionary(lo ok it up!!!) and shizzle in the same paragraph. like this post i decided to list my top five rappers for debate...by time i finish i may drop a verse who knows, but here we go:

1. Nasir Bin Olu Dara Jones(yes i broke out the whole name)
2. Ghost(face that is)
3. Mos Def
4. Jay-z/Common( this slot tends to fluctuate depending on how these dudes decide to spit...the last Jay album was a bit slack but this new one is FIRE which puts him back at a solid "4", common is slipping since the "BE" album, but im sure he'll get back to 4 eventually. This list isnt set in stone dang it!!!)
5. MF Doom(he is just too clever not to be here...)

6th man is Cormega...he isnt nice enough for the top five but he is my guilty pleasure he just puts so much hubris and pathos in his songs you just have to feel him
7. Andre 3000-what can i say? the man is a beast. Wished he rapped more but ill take what i can get.
8. Eminem-oh my god this man was crazy lyrically. Check his earlier rhyme schemes and lyrics...crazy
9. Black Thought-this mans flow is ridiculous
10. Biggie(This is the only permanent spot on the list. The rest is pretty static. i cant put him higher b/c he, of course, cant make any new records(unless he hooks up with Pac's agent), but the ones he has are timeless so he rounds out the list. Long Kiss goodnight, whew, "ya burn when you creep me/rest where the worms and the weak be..."

Honorable mention:
Vinnie Paz from Jedi Mind Tricks(can't really explain this one. He just gets it in! "its a passionate thing the way we make classics/genuine brilliance or inate madness"
Kno from Cunninglynguists(careful how you say this you may be lascivious if you pronounce it wrong. "Prisoner of love I give her my cell number...")
Prodigy from Mobb Deep(probably the most voice sampled rapper. The man's quotes are crazy) Kweli(cant make a consistent album but I like his heart)..

umm..thats about it...
What do you think? Sorry no old school while i respect the contributions, I dont like the rhyme schemes(outside of Rakim, Kane, and Kool G, of course), call me a youngin if you want...

BruceEagle the full metal. Peace!!!!

Loquacious Levity 1-23-08

2008-01-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

I have two words for all patriots fans that thought the SPYGATE talk would stop once Goodell levied his judgement and subsequent penalty: OJ Simpson

Witnesses in a trial swear on the Bible to tell the whole truth. What if a witness is not Christian? No offense, but to me, the Torah and the Koran, for instance, are just good books filled with words to live by, not sacred documents. With that said, what weight does the Bible hold for for non-christian witnesses? Whats to stop them from lying?

Oh, i forgot...A federal grand jury indictment. My bad, nevermind.

Say what you want about Andy Petitte and Jason Giambi. At least, they EVENTUALLY told the truth about steroids...So, um, Roger, what's it gonna be?

Speaking of that, how silly were Curt Schilling's comments awhile ago about suing if someone falsely accused you of steroid use. Adding, anything other than a lawsuit is a tacit admission of steroid use. Are you serious? Do you know the kind of dirt that comes out at a trial? Ask James and Isaiah about that one...

Hey if it means a hooker is gonna testify I injected steroids in her presence(or his depending on your preference. I think male hookers are gigolos...) with my wife in the courtroom...Say i used steroids all day...

How crazy is Eli Manning? This man could have gone to sunny Southern Cal, but instead chose to go to NY(b/f any NY'ers comment, think about it. Its like 70 degrees in San Diego right now...How have those nor'easters been treating ya?).

Eli isnt really that bad of quaterback. He just has a few things working against him:
1. His brother
2. His Brother
3. The high standards of NY
4. His Pops

The music industry complains about downloading illegally but will not produce a decent album. When is the last time you bought a mainstream album and could listen all the way through? Not even all the way, just more that 2 good tracks out of 13. I mean, what the hell do they expect from us? To pay for garbage? If they start coming out with CD singles again, Ill buy, but until then you will not get a DIME from me until i see some thought, some heart, and for God Sake's, some talent.

Although i realize, that could be one of those chicken or the egg type things. Like, is music bad b/c no one is buying it or vice versa?

By the way, it was the chicken that came first...animals don't evolve into eggs...that wouldnt make any sense...that is if you believe in evolution...if not, then God didn't make just an egg. It was definitely the chicken.

Oh and there is not much difference, in theory, between science and religion. Both are man's way of explaining the world and its existence...For instance, the bible has the Garden of Eden and Science has "the big bang" theory. Both are, in essence, something from nothing.

Was anybody really suprised by the collapse of Britney Spears? She was like that old milk in the fridge thats a few days past the expiration. You sniff and are suprised it isnt soured and you use it, but you know any day further could be the last...

The hypocrisy of Bruce: I am pro-choice when it comes to the law, but pro-life in any situation that would involve me. Explanation: the way i figure with the steps i take for a baby NOT to be born, if i happen to conceive, that baby is meant to be here. Its just that i cant honestly sit back and tell someone else what to do with their situation. Now my situation on the other hand...we are gonna at least have a discussion.

Is there a such thing as political prostitution? If not, this years democratic presidential candidates just invented it...

Some ppl respond with "if you dont like it, you can leave" to any comment that would even suggest a change in US law or policies. For instance, the hypocrisy of dog fighting and hunting laws, marijuana and alcohol, etc, etc. First off, just b/c you feel the need to complain, doesnt mean you dont like it here. Matter of fact, apathy would be a worse crime. We complain b/c we want things to change. Not b/c we dont realize this is the best situation for us. Second, you think cats have dough like that to move from state to state, let alone internationally? Third, what if the colonies had decided to leave instead of trying to effect change? There wouldnt be a nation to begin with. There is no perfect situation. There will always be things we wish we could change. Stop thinking in absolutes and start listening. If a suggestion hits enough ears, maybe someone will listen to it...

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

Blah, Blah, Blah

2008-01-18T16:25:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or does there seem to be a complete lack of authenticity in our current culture? It just feels like everyone is just going through the motions at this point. In a world where every action has a sponsor, how do we find the genuine article? Have our minds been atrophied to the point that we wouldn’t be able to read it if we did. Oh, that reminds me: this blog is brought to you by Goldschlager and Marty’s Good Time Crab Shack.

When I say “genuine”, I am referring to a television show, movie, book, album, flyer, or car that isn’t just geared, made, or said to garner profit. The word altruism is now just something that writers throw around to sound educated. I understand capitalism. It’s the foundation of the American Dream. I get that and I also get that no one plays to lose (i.e. not making money). However, this tarnishes the final product for me when it is so obvious that it was done solely for profit. Everything feels profit-driven; everything feels fake. There are no more “for the love” acts. Everyone is searching for that big break, that elusive, ever-so-addictive 15 minutes of fame. What ever happened to “just for the hell of it?”

Take the internet. In its infancy, it was a wild, disorganized mess similar to Drew Barrymore in her teens. There was a wealth of information, activities, and blogs (not named “blogs” at the time but the same design) for free. No one was getting paid. It was the essence of “just for the hell of it”. You see, when you take profit and self-aggrandizement out of the equation, there is nothing to get in the way of love and respect. Would you rather root for the basketball player that takes a pay cut just to help a team win a championship or a mercenary for hire that plays for the checks? Ill give you a sec…….Yep, I thought so. When the cost of living goes up and that paycheck doesn’t have the same impact it once did, you get a professional athlete putting up bush league performances.

That is one of the reasons “Seinfeld” was so popular. It perfectly captured the zeitgeist of nothingness. There were no motives for the characters, just living life. And so came off as genuine because it had that “just for the hell of it” appeal. But, you say, “It IS a superior product and Larry David and the rest of the cast were insanely paid for it.”

Well, you are right. Like I mentioned before no one plays to lose; not to mention that I AM indirectly getting paid for this blog (*cough* click the banner ads *cough*). Maybe it’s not the money-grubbing mentality of our nation. That’s just the effect. The cause of the problem is apathy. The “there’s no point in doing anything if it’s not for the money” mentality. To quote the well-known street professor, Curtis Jackson (50 cent), “if you ain’t talking about money homie, I ain’t concerned.” BINGO! The total lack of caring in our culture is robbing us of emotional enrichment, satisfaction, and comfort. So much so that everything is just business now. And, THAT’S what’s making me feel so empty. Without heart, soul, and love, everything just comes off as blah, blah, blah. And, what better illustration is there than 1,500 or so words about absolutely nothing. I guess content is pretty important too.

Charity work for college grads

2008-01-18T15:18:00.000-05:00

If you are a college grad out in the workforce, you have a civic duty to fulfill. Go back to your alma mater, or talk to your college-aged friends and relatives, or even your local high-schoolers. Tell everyone to enjoy their college experience no matter what situation they’re in. Tell everyone to relish the moment while they can. Scream it from the hills, the steeples, and valleys. I know, I know. When you are counting pennies to buy a 25 cent bag of chips or emptying your bank account by withdrawing $5.73 cents, it’s kind of hard to see the benefit in college life. But, put this is in your pipe and smoke it (see, you could even get away with doing THAT in school!).When is the last time you just didn’t show up for work? Hmm? No calls, No emails, just didn’t come in. I am not saying try this, after all, you do need money to pay for the internet or library fees, depending on your situation, to view this blog(can anyone say "comma fault"?). Now, think about that 8 o’clock class where you copied the notes from classmates and only showed up for tests. Yep, that would be nice right about now right, huh? College is the most free you will ever be. And the sad thing is many students never realize this.

Besides, no matter how happy you are at your job, every one of us has pined for those one-class days, drunken escapades, and utter abandon that only college life can provide. I was too focused on grades (not that there’s anything wrong with that. That’s what you are there for) and too scared to do any partying for fear of ending up like a Valerie-Bertinelli after-school special. That was up until my sophomore year when one of my college buddies graduated. There was nothing sadder than the first time I called him to hang out and he hit me with this bombshell: “No, I can’t play Madden ’03 and spades until 3 o’clock in the morning tonight. I have to work tomorrow.” Devastating, just plain devastating. After that, I took the bull by the horns and enjoyed the rest of my tenure, but I couldn’t help feeling I had missed too many hangovers and one-night stands.

When you talk to the kids, tell them they don’t have to make a drunken idiot of themselves (very underrated, by the way). Tell them they don’t have to get into drugs or have salacious one night stands(again, very underrated). They could just study and go to class. But, be especially sure to tell them: whatever you do, relish this moment. Stop and smell the flowers because before you know it, the petals are dead and nothing is left but thorns (don’t you just love a good Rose metaphor?). Do your part my friends. I will definitely do mine!

Bruce Eagle the full metal. Peace!!!

JACK DANIELS!!!!

2008-01-18T15:08:00.000-05:00

No post really. I just wanted to give my drinking buddy a shout-out.

Bruce Eagle the Full Metal. Peace!!!

Equivalent Exchange

Puerile Passages(aka Loquacious Levity) 6-5-2009

"We don't believe you...

"It's not a hobby..."

Loquacious Levity 5-8-2009

Loquacious Levity 4-13-2009

"You can quote me on that"-Friends and Family Edition

Loquacious Levity 3.5.2009

Vivid Vignettes: "Hyperbole Aside"

"You can quote me on that"-Family and Friends Edition

Loquacious Levity 1-9-2009

You can quote me on that

"We don't believe you...

"Out Damned Spot!"

Loquacious Levity 10-15-2008

Call me Part II

Laconic Levity 9/10/2008

Call me Part I

Loquacious Levity 8-22-2008

So this is what counts for a post these days...

Talking that Blog Smiggidy...

"When will Jesus bring the porkchops...?"-George Carlin

Gonna party like....

This one's for the Commish...

Obama: Mama We made it...

Loquacious Levity-5/22/2008

Versus: Not giving a S**t vs. Not giving a F**K

You can quote me on that...Life imitates Art Edition

Fighting Tyler Durden-Ghostwriting in Hip-hop

Loquacious Levity 4-22-2008

Obscure countdown week: "Punch a nucca on sight" countdown

Requiem for a Rut

The Second Knock...

Loquacious Levity 3-28-2008

A drop of paint...

Ummm...yeah about that...

Quick thought...

Headlines...

Desiderata...

Loquacious Levity 3-11-08

The Grand Arcanum...

Headlines...

National Bigotry Assoc.

Loquacious Levity 3-4-2008

125th and Lenox Ave.

Anesthesia part 1...

Letter to Shareholders-Acme Industries's

"We don't believe you...

Loquacious Levity 2-25-2008

Office of Urinal Ethics and Responsibility

F-ING "A"!

Loquacious Levity 2-19-2008

"Artists use LIES to tell the truth"-Evie Hammond

"You can quote me on that" -Friends and family edition

All I'm saying is..

Oh and...

"What you know about dat"

"We don't believe you...

Loquacious Levity 2-11-08

Mythbuster:Mary-Ju-Wanna

Mythbuster: Female Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton

Loquacious Levity 2-5-2008

"You tried your very best...

"You can quote me on that!!!"

Pinky is very disappointed in you...

Need a Lift?

Loquacious Levity 1-29-08

"We dont believe you. You need more people"-Jay-z

Loquacious Levity 1-25-08

Slapstick...

Loquacious Levity 1-23-08

Blah, Blah, Blah

Charity work for college grads

JACK DANIELS!!!!

Versus: Not giving a St vs. Not giving a FK